| man.these.are.funny. |
| A rope walks into a bar. Just as he sits down, the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, we don't serve ropes here". So the rope leaves the bar and goes out back. He then loops his middle around his head a few times until he's twisted pretty good. Then, he starts bashing his head around on the floor until his strands are sticking up every which way. An hour later, he walks back into the bar. The bartender, upon seeing him, instantly recognizes him and asks, "Aren't you the rope I told to leave about an hour ago? And the rope says, "Nope. Frayed Knot." |
| THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY... 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "Damn, there go the lights again...." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" |
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| CORKSCREW Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." |
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| YOU KNOW YER BROKE WHEN..... *American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" *Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. *You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. *You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. *Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore. *You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. *You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. *Your bologna has no first name. *You give blood every day ... just for the orange juice. *Sally Struther's sends you food. *McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. |
| THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A COP... 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
| FUNNY ANAGRAMS Word - When you rearrange the letters ---------------------------------------- Dormitory - Dirty Room Desperation - A Rope Ends It The Morse Code - Here come Dots Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em Animosity - Is No Amity Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler Snooze Alarm; - No More Z's Alec Guinness - Genuine Class Semolina - Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one Contradiction - Accord not in it Astronomer - Moon Starer Princess Diana - End Is A Car Spin Evangelist - Evil's Agent |
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| heh heh...i luv this next one... |
| BEARS If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs. Yup..... I wanna be a bear. |
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| heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh.heh. |
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