Chapter 17
Dawn tapped her foot impatiently as the phone continued to ring. Taylor was not allowed to get phone calls during his first two weeks at the clinic, unless they were from members of his immediate family, and even those calls could only last five minutes, so now, exactly two weeks and one day later Isaac told Dawn it was okay to call, and she wasted no time. She missed him so much; she did not know how she had gone through all those weeks without hearing his voice.
A receptionist finally answered the phone and put her through to the wing of the building where Taylor was. A nurse at the desk told her to hold while they located him. Dawn groaned as she heard the click of phone, making her wait another moment. She wondered how he was feeling. Isaac said that he was doing better; A Dr. Turner, who was in charge of Taylor�s case, said that he had gained five pounds since he arrived; he was responding well to the medication, his stomach was accepting food, and he only threw up minimally. However, Taylor had cut his arm with a razorblade he had hidden in his room; it wasn�t a deep or serious wound, but it did land Taylor an extra visit with his psychiatrist. Dr. Kennedy could not reveal the things Taylor had confessed to him, but he did tell Walker and Diana that he was making slow progress; he was beginning to reveal details, but none that were very personal, and Dr. Kennedy felt he was still holding back the biggest part of his problem.
Finally the phone line clicked again and Taylor�s voice came through the receiver; �Hello?�
�Hi Taylor! How are you?�
�Dawn?� he said with a loud voice and a huge smile; a few people in the hall turned to look at him.
�Yeah Tay, it�s me, how are you?�
�I�m uh�I don�t know. I miss you.�
�I miss you too,� she said softly, �When are you coming home?�
�I don�t know. No one has mentioned that to me yet, so I guess it isn�t in the near future.�
�Oh, well I guess it�ll be just as long as it takes for you to get better.�
�I�m trying,� he said peering over his shoulder, �It is extremely hard, but I want to go home so much. I�m doing the best I can.�
�I know you are,� she said reassuringly, �How is it there? Are you comfortable?�
�As comfortable as can be expected. I thought everyone here would be totally insane, but most of the people aren�t, so that was a big sigh of relief.�
�Are you getting to know many people?� she asked, not sure of what answer she hoped to hear.
�Not really,� he said swallowing hard, �There�s this one girl I talk with a lot. Her name is Lee, she�s pretty nice.�
Dawn wished she hadn�t heard that; �That�s great. What is she there for?�
�I really don�t know the background information, but she�s a manic-depressive and she tried to kill herself.�
�Oh�Are you interested in her?�
�No, I mean she�s nice, but she is just someone to talk to. I need that, especially since they won�t let me talk to you very long,� he smiled, �Speaking of which, they are gesturing to me that I have to go.�
Dawn remembered Isaac�s words �maybe someday you should tell him that�� and she wanted to tell him right now, but he was fragile, and she didn�t want to interfere with his healing, so she did not change the tone of her voice when she said, �Okay Taylor, I love you.�
�I love you too Dawn,� he said biting his bottom lip, �More than anything.�
Taylor walked down the silent corridor back to his room. His boots squeaked against the tile upsetting the serene silence. He had not realized how much he truly missed Dawn until he heard her voice. There was so much to think about here that he did not have the time to miss her as much as he knew he did.
He opened the door to his room; Lee was standing by his dresser looking at the picture of him and Dawn.
�Who was that on the phone?� she asked.
He gestured at the picture, �Dawn.� Lee looked down at the picture and smiled, �She�s very pretty.�
�The picture does not do her justice.�
�Is she your girlfriend?�
�No, she�s my best friend.�
�Too bad,� she smiled, �You two look really cute together.�
Taylor blushed, �She looks cute, I look awkward.�
�Everyone should be so awkward�how long have you been in love with her?�
�What?�
�It�s in your eyes Taylor; there is this expression there like you would be perfectly happy if the only thing you could do for the rest of your life was hold her.�
Taylor put his head in his hands. He could not believe a stranger could read him that way. He tried so hard not to let anyone know how he felt about Dawn. It was his biggest secret. At least it had been, until one night on a dirt road in the backseat of that awful car.
�It�s alright,� Lee whispered smoothing down his hair, �Don�t pay any attention to me; I�m insane.�
�No, you�re not,� he croaked looking up at her, �You�re right. I would go through everything I�ve gone through all over again if I could hold her; kiss her, just once.�
�Have you ever told her?�
�I�ve wanted to, but I can�t lose her, and if I do, I will. Besides I was too fucked up for her then, and now��
Lee put her arm around his shoulder, �And now nothing�s in your way.�
�Really? I have news for you Lee; I�m not here because I heard they make a mean bowl of soup.�
�So you had a problem, big deal, everyone has a problem with something at some point in their lives. You�re here to get better.�
Taylor walked over to the window; �It�s not like that for me Lee��
�People rise and fall everyday; some people fall down, and they can�t ever get up. Sometimes they won�t get up. You can learn to stand again Taylor, if you want to badly enough you will stand. This place is your crutch, you use it until you can walk on your own, but you have to want it.�
�If that were true, you wouldn�t be here.�
�Let me tell you something,� she said coming toward him until only a few millimeters separated them, �I�ve been in and out of places like this for three years, and do you know why? Because I am one of those people who can�t get up. I want it so much, so I keep trying, I keep coming back to these places hoping to stay up; but before I know it here I am with eighteen stitches in each wrist, or getting my stomach pumped for a third time because I couldn�t stand up anymore. I wish I had your chance Taylor; how I wish I had your chance.�
Taylor stared at her unable to grasp everything that was flooding his senses. The past two weeks had barely made a dent in him because he was curling himself up in a ball and trying to draw farther back from the world. He lied to his therapist, he lied to his specialist, he lied to his family, and he lied to Dawn, and he never had any intention of telling the truth. Every single time he threw up, or cut himself, or got drunk he prayed to feel better; now he had his chance, and he was throwing it away, going on and preserving his pain. He hadn�t seen it that way though until a moment ago. He thought of Dawn, who stood by him always, and how he held back the best thing he could give to her; he thought of his father who loved him so much that he pushed him away, because to lose him, would kill him; he thought of Jordan, who would never have the chance to stand. Maybe it was time to stop lying and try to stand.
Lee put her hand on Taylor�s shoulder, worried she had hurt him; �Taylor�I didn�t mean to��
�No,� he interrupted, �You�re right. I�ve done nothing, but try to protect the thing that almost killed me since I got here. I want to stop lying Lee. I want to stand.�
Lee smiled because in her heart she knew he meant it, and because she knew he would stand again someday.
�I want to tell you something, right now, that I�ve never told anyone, and for now, you have to promise me that you won�t say anything.�
�Okay Taylor, I promise.�
�A lot of things were killing me before I tried to kill myself, and I know that everyone wants to know what set me off, what pushed me over the edge. I�ve been swearing up and down that no such event happened, but I�m lying, something terrible happened, something that changed me and my situation forever,� he said feeling the tears welling in his eyes spill over onto his cheeks, �I was raped.�