Chapter 13
”You could never understand how sorry I am for this, but I had to do it. I love you, both of you. You’ve been wonderful to me, but I could not return that and I am sorry. This is what I have to do. We all will be much better off this way and in time you will see it too. I have found a peace I have searched for with all of myself until I ached all over. I am okay now, and I want you to be okay too. Never forget me, and how much I truly loved you.”
For the first time in days Walker was able to read Taylor’s words without fighting tears. There had not been much change in him since the doctors stabilized him the first night. His heart continued to beat, no matter how quietly, and his lungs continued to function, no matter how weakly. The doctors were not exactly sure about what would happen to him because it was unclear if in his mysterious comatose world he was fighting to stay alive, or trying to slowly let go. His body rhythms never changed; his vital statistics went virtually unchanged day by day.
Isaac was overcome by grief-stricken guilt. He could barely look at Taylor without becoming hysterical, but he never left the hospital. Everyone had told him to go home, and get some rest, but he refused, spending the night in the waiting room just down the hall from Taylor. Isaac’s pain made him think even more about when Jordan died because there was no suffering, at least not this kind. Jordan never even made it to the hospital, but Taylor lingered on endlessly, not living and not dying, giving no solace to anyone who loved him, but giving hope that tomorrow he might still be alive to love in return.
Rarely did anyone go into Taylor’s room with someone else because everyone had their own private words to whisper into the black room, hoping their words could grope through all of the darkness and reach Taylor. Walker had been trying for two days now to find the words to reach Taylor; the words that Jordan pleaded with him to say.
“Taylor, I know that when you could…I know that we don’t talk much anymore. Your mother says I run from you, and unfortunately this is one of the many times she is right, but there’s a reason for it, that I hope you can understand, and forgive,” he said taking a deep breath, “You have an uncle, who you have never met, and in this life never will. His name was Jordan, and he was my younger brother, and when he was about your age, a little older, he took his own life. I was devastated, but I did not really have time to grieve, because shortly after he died, you were born. Naming you after him seemed to be the right thing to do, but I cursed you with it. You grew up to be just like him, and while he was a wonderful person who I loved very much, it became very hard for me to see you grow to look like him, and sound like him, and be like him, but I know now that I was being a fool. You are not him, and I refuse to lose you the same way. You have to fight this Taylor, please, fight this and be the wonderful, strong person that you are meant to be.”
“You look like you could use this.” Dawn said handing Isaac a cup of coffee.
He smiled back weakly; “Thanks…I need a boost. I’ve been up almost four days straight.”
“I know. You should go home and get some rest.”
“I can’t sleep. Not after this. I may never sleep again.”
Dawn took a seat beside him. He looked like hell, and she totally understood why. She knew the kind of pain he was in, but he had to live it in front of the watchful eye of the media. Within hours of Walker’s 911 call reports circumnavigated the world about Taylor. At first the stories were wild and untrue, claiming everything from Taylor’s death by a heroine-induced overdose to a brutal attack by an obsessed fan. One newspaper even reported that Taylor had been in a loud argument with Isaac at a local club that ended with gunshots at the family house later in the evening. Isaac and a silent Zac gave their only press conference without their brother late the next evening where they explained the reason for Taylor’s release, asked for the prayers of the people, and thanked everyone who had supported them in this most difficult time.
“You know that this isn’t your fault Isaac.”
“I know now that Taylor was going through personal pain that had nothing to do with me,” Isaac sighed, “but I should have seen it. I should have known that he was suffering. I caught him sneaking back into his room one night. He was crying and he reeked of alcohol, but I took his word that he was okay, even though I knew in my heart that he was in trouble.”
“We all failed him Isaac, there was nothing you could have done to stop this.”
“I know, at least we are all here now,” he said looking into Dawn’s dark eyes, “Do you mind me asking what you two were fighting about?”
“We just blew up one night on the phone. He said I was spending all my time with a stranger and forgetting all about him, and he was right, but he wasn’t letting me get near him anymore and it was just so hard…I just wish I had listened to him.”
“You did what you could.”
“No…I didn’t.”
Isaac looked over at her once more; “Can I ask you something else?”
“Of course.”
“Do you love him?”
“He’s my best friend, of course I love him.”
“No, I mean, are you in love with him?”
Dawn tried to keep from crying as she whispered, “Yes.”
“Maybe someday you should tell him that,” he said softly putting his arm around her shoulders.
“Maybe someday…but not today.”
At this moment, Walker entered the room. Isaac and Dawn looked up at him, with anxious expressions on their faces and fear in their eyes.
“He regained consciousness.”
From the moment Taylor’s eyes first opened he was engulfed with confusion. He shook; he did not recognize this place, or remember how he had gotten here. He wondered if he was dead, until he saw his father sitting beside him. He couldn’t breathe; a tube forced air inside him and he was choking. Things were getting fuzzy until someone yanked the plastic from this throat; he laid back down and everything came into focus.
“Taylor, how do you feel?” a tall, black man wearing scrubs and a white lab coat asked him.
Taylor nodded weakly, and began to close his eyes when the doctor called to him “Taylor! Can you talk?”
“Yes,” he said hoarsely.
“Do you know why you’re here?”
“I took pills, didn’t I?”
“Yes, you did, and you’ve been unconscious for the last four days.”
“Oh…”
“Taylor I am going to let you wake up a bit, and see your family, but we are going to have to have a talk in a little bit just you and I,” the doctor explained.
“Alright,” Taylor said putting his head back on the pillow once more.
Taylor was not sure how to react to his family until his parents came into the room; “I’m sorry,” he moaned in his soft, weak voice before beginning to cry. The fear, the worry, and the pain they tried to mask showed through in their expressions and that was too much for him to take.
“It’s alright Tay, it’s alright,” Walker said putting his hand on Taylor’s, “Don’t cry.”
“I guess you know everything now, don’t you…”
“You don’t have to talk about that right now honey,” his mother said smoothing back his hair, “Right now we’re just happy to see you alive.”
Taylor only smiled because he was not sure he was so happy to be alive, “Can I ask a question?”
Walker smiled, “You just did.”
“No,” Taylor smiled sleepily, “Another question.”
“Of course…”
“How did I get here? I really don’t remember anything after…”
“I came home,” Walker whispered, “I found you and I called for help.”
“Oh…”
Isaac walked into the room at this moment, the perfect distraction for the lack of gratitude in Taylor’s response. Their eyes met, and Walker and Diana left the room. There was not space enough for all of them, and the feelings that were about to be shared.