new_entries_january

I'm in a mad panic trying to figure out how i'm gonna get home for guard tonight! i have a feeling i'm either gonna go home with marcie's parents or have my mom come get me, but by the time i get to Katy, practice will be over or almost over, especially since practice is in Channelview which is another 45 minutes to an hour away, so i'm not happy, and i know Barry and the guard wont be either. and my head is pounding b/c i hit it on Marcie's loft bed. it was too funny! i was getting something out of the refridgerator, which is under her bed, and sarah said something to me, so not even thinking about it, i stood up. sarah and marcie are still picking on me about it. and then my life's taken a turn for the crazy the past couple of days. since i've been back in Brenham, i've been hanging out at the guy's apartments. well i had a crush on one of them a while back, and i didn't say anything to him, so he started dating one of my friends. well since i've been back and hanging around him a lot and i've started liking him again. but since he's dating my friend, i can't make any moves and i thought he didn't like me anyway. well the other night he told Sarah that if i'd of said something about liking him, he would've hooked up with me...WTF?! it makes no difference now b/c even if i told him i still liked him, he's still dating my friend, and i'm getting frustrated b/c i seem to be every guys 2nd choice! they never like me enough to break up with their girlfriends or to date me instead of some other girl they like too. am i THAT pathetic?! it's driving me crazy that guys don't think of me as a girl...i'm everyone's friend or "the bass drummer girl that had pink hair." they think i'm fun to hang out with, but no guys actually want to date me...it really sucks. and then, the other night there was this kind of drug/alcohol party over at the apartments, and there was a time of craziness where everyone was making out or doing LORD KNOWS what, and one of them was the current crush and the one that i was totally in love with, and it hit me hard to where i dreamt about HIM. i keep telling myself i'm over him, but i know i'm not, but i'll live with it. i'm not as happy when i'm with HIM as i am when i'm with the other guy. he makes me happy and i have fun when i'm with him, but i can't do anything till he's available, so i'll just have to wait. plus, there's about 4 other guys that i like, but they all either like someone else or wouldn't like me anyway, so i give up! guys suck!

"Farewell" by Ginger Owen
Farewell, adieu, or must i utter so long unto you. But what constitites closure? A glance, an act, or simply a phrase i have once been aquaintanced with? Could my existance be so futile as which you could dismiss me this facilely? I maintain thy truth within the deepest reaches of my soul. From my lips outpour the hidden light from my formerly darkened heart. My desires now flourish only in the unseen imagination of thy present admirer. And so unto the I grant a serenity of the conscience. I now perish, wallowing in a sea of regret, hoping that my departure will bring forth rest to my disquieted spirit eternally into the heavens above.

HI ANNETTE!! "Nut's" in here and being her usual silly self...I LOVE HER! She rocks! YAY FOR BRENHAM! Can I say AGAIN how much I love being back here! I had my interview for Kappa Kappa Psi yesterday and I think it went really well. I think I have a good chance of making it. They tell us tomorrow at 10pm. YAY FOR K-PSI! i hope i get in. this weekend was the exhibition at cy-creek...it was a never-ended stress cycle! but i had a good show, so it was cool. i'm getting taken off rifle, which is just fine with me b/c it was stressing me out WAY too much, and i don't need anymore stress right now! and i think that not being on rifle will help the guard b/c i was suckin at it! our first official show is this saturday in Austin at Bowie HS. MEGA excited! Derrick might come, and maybe Sarah, and then Ben's coming!! YAY FOR BLINN PEOPLE! OMG! My friend Gina from Katy just told me she might go to Blinn!!! FUN!!!! I LOVE MY GINA RAY! anyway...i'm gonna sign off b/c it's midnight and the smoke out-sleepies are sinkin' in (i went and smoked with ma girl Wendy). catch ya lata!

Wow am i behind in my updates!! ok so it's been the craziest 2 weeks of my life! to start, i was given a ride home last Friday by Joe and Sean (two of my best friends at Blinn) so i could get to guard practice. there's an unfinished subdivision near my house and some workers had a surveying tripod in the road. the tripod was only marked with 3 cones, so Joe didn't see it in time, so he swerved to miss it and we ended up going off the road and hitting a tree. well i was sitting in the back-right side of the car, and that's exactly where we hit the tree, so i was pretty banged up. i still have a lot of bruises on my back right hip (basically on my ass) that hurt quite a lot, a pretty big, deep bruise of my right thigh, and i had hit my head (and apparently shattered the window), so i had a mega headache for about 2 days. i spent that night in the hospital and missed the whole weekend of guard. there's bits and pieces of the accident and the happenings right after, but one thing that is still vivid in my mind was that as the car was swerving and spinning, i was thinking "Barry's gonna be mad if i miss practice b/c of this," and that upset me i realized that i wasn't having fun in guard anymore. i love spinning, i love putting on a show, i love being with my friends there, but it occurred to me that i wasn't in Ascension for myself anymore, and i wasn't happy at all, so i quit/got "dismissed." i know i'll probably be in winterguard next year, whether it's with Ascension or another, but my life is too crazy and stressful right now, so i need to take some time off. i wish the remaining Ascensionites a lot of luck and i love y'all. while i'm glad to be out of it, i'm still sad about not being there for State and Nationals and pensicola, and i'll miss standing with Scott in our opening set, and i miss laughing at something goofy that Barry or Liz O. would say to each other. i miss laughing at David b/c of his dancing (i love ya David, you're too cute). i miss listening to Liz and Dana's cds on the way to practice. i miss spinning...but oh well. the time was right. so anyway, i've been having a lot of fun this week with Charlie and Bobbi. they're awesome! we've been hanging out, getting high on triple c's, chillin at the guy's apartments, and going to College Station on "shopping" sprees. i've been on c's 3 times now and i love it! the first time, the come-down the next day was horrible! i was shaky and dehydrated and my stomach hurt...it was crazy! by the 2nd and 3rd time, it was awesome! also, i kinda started liking this guy from the apartments, and we made out and fooled around (but no sex, yay for virgins!), but i've been slowly realizing that i don't like him as much as i wanted to. i dunno what's gonna happen with me and him, but i know that i'm not ready for a serious relationship, and definetely not one with him. i feel really bad about kinda kissing and running, but i was confused. and the worst part of all this is that a huge part of me still likes those 2 guys i've been crushin on all year. but no matter what, i know that i probably wouldn't want a serious relationship with them anyway, at least not right now. but we'll see what happens...yay for swingin singles! viva punk boys!