Harrison Ford and James Earl Jones were the only survivors.
The Star Wars Holiday Special!
Harrison Ford and James Earl Jones were the only survivors.
Stats
FOUND AT: Comic Convention
PRICE: Free in exchange for "work" (nonsexual, for
once)
DIRECTOR: David Acomba and Steve Binder
SCREENPLAY: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch (Yes, THAT Bruce Vilanch), and Rod Warren
STARRING: Bea Arthur, the cast of Star Wars, Jefferson
Starship, countless others.
RATING: Not rated. Keep away from children and anyone who isn't
already blind and deaf.
YEAR: 1978
AVAILABILITY: Yes. But you must invent a time machine and go back
in time to watch it on CBS in 1978. Or find a bootleg at a comic
convention.
IMDB FUN FACT!:
George Lucas attempted (and failed) to buy all the master copies
of this trainwreck so no one would ever see it again.
He's also been heard to say "If I had the time and a
sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that
program and smash it." But he's too busy cashing in on his
most popular movie for the past almost 30 years.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(TRIPLE SHOT! This is like tequila!)
Date: 19 December 2002
Summary: Your beloved Boba Fett's Dark past...
I paid a few extra bucks for a decent copy of this at a convention a quite a few years back and I must say that I was not disappointed. I found it to be genuinely funny and entertaining. The high point was definitely the robot video instruction manual. Star Wars fans love to trash this movie, but it is the true first appearance of Boba Fett and it is far better than anything George Lucas serves up these days."
Date: 18 July 2001
Summary: Cheerier Than Empire - One Of The Best
I would say that this is not the worst of all the Star Wars films and should be treated with respect.
I'm a massive Star Wars fan and I actually think that this (apart from one of the songs) is way better than Empire Strikes Back as it has more fun and color - the way Star Wars should be.
Don't listen to all the misery guts - if you have a chance watch it. You'll enjoy it as much as the movies, and definitely more than the dour Empire!"
Date: 12 August 1999
Summary: The Greatest cartoon holiday special ever
i love this repeat love this. when i saw it the first time in 1989 i loved it loved it as any star wars fan.
The greatest cartoon ever besides the droid cartoons that is George Lucus is god "
Ok, I know this isn't a movie. But
I had to suffer through the whole damn thing and didn't go
insane, so being able to write about it is the reward. At least I
didn't pay for this one: I got it on DVD for free at a South
Florida comic convention after my friend and I helped a dealer
that was selling bootlegged videos, like the infamous Fantastic
Four movie, or the infamous Japanese Spider-Man TV series, or
this infamous piece of crap. The Star Wars Holiday Special aired
on CBS in 1978. The version I have was video-taped in Baltimore,
so the commercials may differ from any other version, assuming
that there are other people who decided to record this horrible,
horrible abomination.
The special starts off with extremely long opening credits that
name everyone in it, a la Saturday Night live. Oddly enough, the
actors who play R2D2 and the wookies (yes, there's more than one
in this) are not credited. Maybe these guys should have formed
unions. After the credits, there's an extremely long opening
scene that introduces Chewbacca's family: his wife Mala, his
father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. No, I did not make those names
up. It takes place on "Life Day," the Wookie version of
Christmas, and begins with an exterior shot, which is obviously a
drawing, of the tree house that they live in. In the opening
scene, Lumpy, who's very fat, is running around the house and
misbehaving, committing such horrid acts as stealing a giant
cashew from a bowl of giant cashews, which causes his mother and
grandfather to yell at him. All three of them look very bad. To
make matters worse, the whole scene consists of unintelligible
wookie dialogue. To calm the little bastard down, Itchy shows him
a hologram of an alien dancer that looks a hell of a lot like DC
Comics character Ambush Bug. Eventually the dancer is joined by
jugglers and musicans. The music sounds like the music from early
Sega Genesis video games that are supposed to be horn instrument
music, and the alien dancers look more like guys in green and
purple tights. Regardless, the dance sequence is way too long.
After the dance sequence, Lumpy calls Luke Skywalker on a video
communicator. I find it very unlikely that Wookies have such
technology in their own homes. Luke is obviously wearing make-up
(eyeliner at the very least) and looks like he did before that
horrible accident that turned Mark Hamil into Two-Face, and then
after a few defeats at the hands of Batman, getting cosmetic
sugery and having to have Skywalker get mauled by a Wampa at the
beginning of Empire Strikes Back. The make-up makes him look like
the Joker (Jack Nicholson) whenever he wore make-up to make him
look like a non-clown in "Batman." As Luke talks to
Lumpy, he and R2D2 attempt to fix a giant phallic symbol, which
starts smoking at the end of the scene. Looks like someone needs
to see a doctor.
The resemblance is uncanny, I think.
Meanwhile, an Imperial Guard inspects the shop of the Chewbacca
family's neighbor, played by Art Karney. I never heard the
character's name, so he'll be referred to as Art Carney. The
guard, whose very grim voice doesn't match his goofy face,
insults Carney's customers by using incredibly stupid insults.
Next, we're treated to the only non-atrocious set in the movie:
the interior of what looks to be the Death Star, probably
recycled from the movie. In this scene, Darth Vader talks to one
of his subordinates about something which I don't remember, and
probably has no relevance to the show.
You didn't bother to read the script
either?
Now, we return to the Chewbacca family's tree house (gained after
mauling Tarzan and causing Jane to fall to her doom) for another
long-ass scene in which Mala is watching a cooking show. The
host, a man in drag (and with four arms) doing a Charles Emerson
Winchester III (of M*A*S*H, for those of you who are
taste-deficient) impression, is making something (I have no idea
what) as Mala follows along. He/she pretends to stir the contents
of a bowl (it's obvious there's nothing in there) screaming
"stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir" for more
than 5 minutes. Near the end she/he goes quite crazy in the
process and his/her hairdo becomes undone. I honestly do not see
the point of this scene, or many of the scenes that follow.
I've begun to realize that these pictures
can stand on their own...
We then visit Han Solo and Chewbaca in the Millenium Falcon
(which isn't the original set, I don't think). They're attacked
by TIE Fighters, and the space dogfights that ensue are recycled
from the first movie. Martial Law is declared in all areas where
the Empire has jurisdiction. Back at the Chewbacca residence, the
family is visited by Art Carney, bearing presents, the Santa
Claus-like person that he is. Lumpy gets a box, Mala gets a
boombox, and Itchy recieves a hairdresser chair and helmet.
Itchy's present is used first, and it sends him on an acid trip
of some sort, where he meets a woman. It's either God or an
ethereal hooker. Either way, she's played by Diane Carroll. At
this point, I thought to myself, "I really hope she doesn't
sing." Lo and behold, she sings. It's fucking horrendous,
and I don't remember any of the lyrics. Lucky for you!
Hi, my name's Emmanuelle. And welcome to
the Erotic Space Hotel...
While Itchy is convulsing violently (probably an epileptic
seizure), Mala gets a call from Princess Leia and C3PO on the
aforementioned video phone. I don't remember what it said, but
the sound was out of sync with the video by a couple of seconds.
I don't know if this was the DVD or the actual show, but either
way I think that her voice was dubbed over. After then returning
to see what those magicians in the Millenium Falcon are cooking
up now, I realize that it must be a screw up with the DVD
transfer, because Han Solo is also out of sync. Meanwhile, at the
wookie household, the wookies run to the front door expecting Han
and Chewy, and are greeted by Stormtroopers! DUM DUM DUM!
What follows is the commercials, containing an ad I will never
forget. It's an advertisement for the International Ladies
Garment Workers Union. The commercial consists of a toothless man
talking about the evils of foreign-made clothing taking work away
from the American workers, and advising us to look for the
Union's label on clothing, so we can be reassured it's made in
America and not by a Malaysian sweatshop. Here comes the
memorable part: there's a song to go with it. It's a group of
supposedly Union members singing "Look for... the Union
Label... when you are buying a coatdress [said as if one word] or
blouse... remember somewhere, our union sewing [?], our wages
growing to free the kids---" and the rest is unintelligible.
"We are the world," this ain't. The next ad is for Bell
System, which I assume is a telephone company. It advises us to
"Be Choosy" (actual tagline) when buying phones for our
loved ones for Christmas, and is prefaced by people giving people
phones as gifts. I honestly don't understand.
Anyway, back to the show. The stormtroopers, followed by a higher
up (Lieutenant?) and a guy in a black suit with a Vader-like
helmet without the faceplate, have arrived at the wookie house,
pointing guns at the wookies and Art Carney. There's no dialogue
for a while, just the Lieutenant, who's a bit too big for the
suit, walking back and forth and glaring at nothing in
particular. When he does talk , he sounds like an SS officer:
"Where is the other wookie!"
"GRAWL!"
(actual dialogue)
Art Carney then decides to stall by showing Vader Jr. the boombox
he got Mala. Since it's just a box and not very machine-looking,
he pretends to be pushing buttons. Next we have our proof that
it's the worst gift ever given from one person to another: it
plays a performance by Jefferson Starship. The band is dressed
very poorly, trying to look like they're from another planet by
wearing capes. All the instruments are glowing purple, making it
more outer-spacey! It frequently cuts back to Vader Jr. watching
like a crazed drug addict and tapping his fingers out of rhythym.
During this performance I wondered what the hell this had to do
with Star Wars.
Hm... I wonder if these walking carpets
would mind
if I masturbated to Jefferson Starship in their home...
After that, Lumpy watches a cartoon about his dad's rebel pals as
stormtroopers search the house to find any evidence of rebel
presence. This is the second best part of this travesty of a TV
special. It's significant in that it contains the first
appearence of bounty hunter Boba Fett, a popular character who is
supposed to be quite a badass, despite his very lame death
(which, after seeing "Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the
Clones," seems to run in the family). The animation is
decent, especially for 1970s TV animation. The character designs
are pretty good, especially Han Solo's, whose eyes are
permanently squinting, like Clint Eastwood. Lumpy gets a bit too
excited while watching this, and catches the attention of the
Lieutenant as a result. To milk as much suspence as possible, it
cuts to a commercial. Once the commercials are over, we find out
what happens: the toon switches to a video game of some sort that
consists of numbers and charts flashing on a screen. It returns
to the cartoon.
"Star Wars?" What is this shit?
It'll never fly...
After the animated sequence is over, the Lieutenant approaches
Lumpy. "Go clean up your room," he says in the same
tone of voice he's said all of his other lines in. Lumpy goes up
to his room and finds a big mess, a result of the searching. Here
comes the sad part: they decapitated his Bantha doll. He sadly
carries it across the room and covers it with a sheet. Then he
watches some a video about how to use a transmitter as he follows
along with his transmitter. The host is a robot that constantly
malfunctions during the video. It's extremely long and
unnecessary. I weeped.
C3PO is heartbroken as Han Solo and the
gang mock his sexuality.
After some more commercials, we're treated to some Imperial
propaganda (and the best part of this train wreck) as the
soldiers in the wookie house watch a program about how horrible
Tatooine is. It takes place in the Cantina from the first movie.
Ponda Baba (with his arm!) and Greedo (not dead!) are dancing as
the band (same chick-pea heads as the movie) plays the same exact
song from the movie. I had no idea Greedo was gay. It was obvious
Ponda Baba was: he did hang out with Dr. Ezavan ("You'll be
dead!") a bit too much. I guess Baba's assmouth had to be
good for something. There are multiple shots of various barfly
creatures looking at things offscreen. Then we finally meet the
main character of the scene: Bea Arthur (that's right, Maude
herself), the bartender of the Cantina. Throughout the first few
minutes after her first appearence she's muscling people to order
a drink. Eventually a gay man about Bea's age arrives and orders
a drink. He's got a volcano-like opening on top of his head,
which is where he pours the drink. He's played by Harvey Korman,
who has a nice film career, most significantly (in my screwed-up
head) playing The Great Gazoo in "The Flintstones" (the
TV show). Meanwhile, Bea Arthur gives a Hammerhead (look it up) a
drink and starts to stroke his head. Hurm... The volcano head
guy, whose name is revealed to be Krelman, gives Bea some flowers
and pours his heart out to him, and she turns him down. To shut
him up, probably by causing him to pass out, she pours the whole
pitcher of lemonaide-looking liquid in his hole, causing a sound
effect that sounds a lot like a toilet bowl flushing to be heard.
My question is where the hell did that liquid go? Maybe Harvey
Korman has a black whole where his brain's supposed to be.There
is then an announcement that the Empire has imposed a curfew on
its people. As a result, Bea Arthur, whose character's name I
don't think is ever revealed, wants everyone to leave. They
don't, and Bea decides to give them one more round before she
shoots someone. Then she sings about giving them one more round.
The music is the same song that the band's been playing since the
beginning of the sequence. During the song, Bea sings to a giant
mouse that makes choking noises, and dances with Ponda Baba and
Greedo. After the song is over, everyone gets the hell out,
leaving Kremlin and Bea. Kremlin hand her the flowers, and the
sequence is over. We can assume hot sex on the bar ensued.
Hrm... she's actually kinda hot in this
picture...
You know, this picture doesn't really require a hilarious
caption...
We return to Lumpy's hilarious antics as he uses the transmitter
to give the soldiers a message giving them orders to leave. As a
protective measure, they leave one stormtrooper to keep an eye on
them. He hears a noise, goes to investigate, and finds Lumpy with
the transmitter playing the same message that the soldiers
recieved. Oh no! More commercials follow, one of which was for
the movie "The Wiz," an african-american version of
"The Wizard of Oz" starring Diana Ross. I paused the
DVD to look at the credits. Besides being directed by Sidney
"Dog Day Afternoon" Lumet, it was written by Joel
"Batman and Robin" Schumacher and produced by Rob
"The Fast and the Furious" Cohen, two people I would
have never guessed would have anything to do with that movie.
Small world... Anyway, back to the show. The stormtrooper breaks
the transmitter and chases Lumpy around. Chewy finally arrives,
only to be held at gunpoint by the storm trooper. Then Han Solo
arrives and causes the trooper to fall to his doom. Give Jane's
corpse my regards. Han then greets Chewy's family, who are more
excited to see Han than Chewy. There's much hugging, and Art
Carney returns, and then leaves again. Then Han leaves to either
move the Millenium Falcon somewhere else or ditch Chewy. The four
wookies then pick up gowling snowglobes. The show then cuts to a
long line of wookies, all wearing red robes and holding their
snowglobes, in space walking toward a sphere of white light and
disappearing.
Jesus, you smell, Itchy...
I thought that was the end. Oh, was I wrong. All the wookies are
in a cave, being greeted by R2D2 and C3PO. Then Han, Leia, and
Luke arrive. Leia delivers a short speech, then sings. While
singing, she looks very coked up and is leaning on Chewy the
whole time. All the wookies gang up either for a group hug or to
eat those stupid singing humans as the music from the ceremony at
the end of Star Wars plays and we're treated to a montage of
footage from the movie. Now, this is the end, I thought to
myself. I was wrong once again. After more commercials, the four
wookies are at the dinner table, looking at their snowglobes and
holding hands. Is it a seance? I have no idea. What's important
is that it's finally over. The DVD screwed up during the ending
credits, so I didn't get to see them. Boo hoo.
"Hi, I'm Carrie Fisher. You might
remember me as Paula
from Tom Hanks' magnum opus "The Man with One Red
Shoe..."
My gob. I thought that would never end. It felt like it lasted 8
hours. I was actually physically tired after seeing it. I've
heard that George Lucas was so dissapointed with this special,
that he, being the oversensitive lad that he is, destroyed all
the master copies of the Holiday Special. All we have left is the
bootlegs now. It's kinda like when Howard the Duck bombed...
Lucas didn't want to have anything to do with it. He had very
little to do with the Holiday Special anyway, and it shows. He
probably has one master copy left, so maybe one day we'll get a
"Star Wars Holiday Special Special Edition Re-release."
Sure, and maybe Episode III won't be disappointing, too.
Real Movie Grade: 1/2
Crap Movie Grade:
