SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS

Oh my God! Someone acutally
thought of this shit?

Stats
FOUND AT: Dollar Store
PRICE: $1.00, surprisingly
DIRECTOR: David Lowell Rich
SCREENPLAY: Arthur A. Ross
STARRING: Pamela Franklin, Kate Jackson, Lloyd Bochner
RATING: Not rated.
YEAR: 1973
AVAILABILITY: VHS and DVD.
IMDB FUN FACT!:
Um... produced by Aaron Spelling? I dunno, there's no trivia for it.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:

Seeing so many bad movies must do something to your health. I'm thinking of suing Dollar Stores and Big Lots for supplying me with crap. I have a chance, right? Anyway, "Satan's School for Girls" is a 1973 TV movie. I know, I know, one look at the title and you're thinking it's a porno. It's just as trashy and the acting is just as bad. It was co-produced by Aaron Spelling, after all. It was directed by David Lowell Rich, who has a long, forgettable filmography, and written by Arthur A. Ross, who wrote "The Creature from the Black Lagoon". What really gets me is that for some imexplicable reason it was remade in 2000 as a Shannon Doherty movie (also written by Ross). If there's one thing worse than an Aaron Spelling production, it's a movie starring Shannon Doherty.

The movie wastes no time in displaying its clever yellow title. After that, a car speeds by. Its driver is a young blonde woman, who's in great distress for some reason. She looks like she's being chased. As she stops near an abandoned gas station, dramatic music starts. She goes to a payphone, asks the operator to call "Elizabeth's" house. When there is no answer, the girl screams at the operator, "She has to be there!" As if it's her fault. That bitch. She then sees a scruffy looking drunk in a suit. It looks a lot like Columbo to me. The girl screams and runs away. Columbo picks up the cigarette she dropped and begins to smoke it. Looking back, that made no sense.

The girl then arrives at the house of "Elizabeth," screaming her name. An old guy, who looks like he's about to say "We don't take too kindly to strangers around here" but doesn't, comes and hands her a key. She accepts it as if it were a scorpion. She locks herself in the house and closes the curtains, making herself at home. I'm not sure "Elizabeth," assuming she's not an imaginary friend, would approve. We're then treated to more dramatic music (which can only be described as "overkill") plays as the camera zooms in on the girl. She screams twice (she ran out of breath in the middle of it) as she really attempts to look frightened at something off-screen. The face she made was nothing but hilarious. I laughed.

Cut to some time later. Police cars arrive, followed by a short haired brunette, revealing to us that Elizabeth is her and not an imaginary friend. Or maybe it's a "Cloak and Dagger" thing. I cried with Action Bob (or whatever his name was) died. Anyway, they break into the house and find that the girl, her sister Martha, hung herself. It's obviously a fake body: the feet are bent as if she was still standing on ground and her arms are curved, making a shape like the curve of the letter D, when in reality her body would be completely limp.

Later, we're at the police station, as noted by the sign on the building and the sign on a pole that says POLICE. I really don't see the point of panning over and zooming in on the sign when the sign on the building made it perfectly clear. I expected to see a sign below that says "No Vacancy." Anyway, the cops rule Martha's death as suicide. Elizabeth, having not seen her sister in a couple years, knows better than that and sets out to investigate the same exact things that the police checked out.

After a transition clip of a plane flying, Elizabeth meets with Lucy, Martha's Ex-Roommate. Liz is wearing a horrid green and white plaid dress, which looks like a little girl's Church clothes than anything someone would be caught wearing, even in the 1970s. Lucy offers her vodka (a result of the dress, I'm sure. even after seeing that dress I think I need a drink), yet drinks a brown liquor. Hurm. When Elizabeth states her intention to do some investigating on her sister's school, Lucy says "You'll find nothing, nothing, nothing!" If I heard that, I think I'd be even more inclined to check out the school.

Shameless product placement!

So Elizabeth heads over to the Salem Academy for Women, Salem being famous for the Salem Witch Trials, trying to establish a direct link between Witchcraft and Satan, even though the two are unrelated. At this point I checked the time on the tape and thought to myself, "Only 11 minutes so far? Shit! 63 to go..." As Elizabeth exits the car, she is greeted by the school's welcoming committee... three girls. The mention the "Dragon Lady" multiple times. Still sounds like a porno to me. This is obviously the Headmistress, which, even if they used Headmistress, still makes it sound like a porno.

We're then treated to a 5-second scene in which Elizabeth drinks from a GIGANTIC glass, after being told that she'll need it if she's going to meet the Dragon Lady. We can only assume (and hope) group sex ensued after that much alcohol. So then the movie cuts to the Headmistress' office, where she is talking to Elizabeth. It's at this point that we're given our indication that this isn't a porno: the Headmistress is not attractive, even in the least bit. The Headmistress, played by Jo Van Fleet, says that the school's purpose is the make young ladies into cultured and refines women (prostitutes?), and goes on to editorialize about how artists today have no regard for tradition. Duh. If we kept following tradition, we'd be running around with no regard for posture grunting at each other. Since this is a school for the fine arts, does this "movie" mean to tell us that Fine Arts are wicked products of Satan? Hurm... Anyway, at the end of the scene, I realized that Elizabeth is enrolling in the school "under an assumed name," as the video box states. It would have helped to make that more obvious earlier, dammit. After Elizabeth leaves, the phone rings. The Headmistress answers and (cue overdone dramatic music) is shocked. I am apathetic! Y'know, I have no idea what the phone call is about, nor is it important.

After yet another transition scene, this time with two girls running to class, the movie cuts to an art class. The mildly attractive teacher, Joseph Clampett (notice the same initials as Jesus, which I'm sure is completely coincidental) teaches his class, then proceeds to make fun of a blond student named Debbie's painting of a scared girl that looks like Martha. Ooooooooh... Anyway, after class, Elizabeth talks with the girl who painted it (I don't remember what they said, but who cares?) and head over to Behavioral Psychology class, which one of Elizabeth's new friends calls "Rats." Stupid airhead, the man isn't torturing rats in a maze for fun. He's trying to show how the human mind works. Going by that, then she should call Art class "guy I'd like to fuck class." Looks like that whole "cultured and refined" thing isn't quite working.

In class, students are bored out of their minds as their teacher (let's call him Dr. Psych) goes on and on about the mice. We're shown that he's a complete schmuck by how he questions his students. After class ends, Debbie, who seemed to get all the flack from Dr. Psych, starts to make fun of him out of frustration in the hallways. She then freaks out. Elizabeth and some other girl take care of her.

What a wonderful performance. She's going to be a star someday.

Later, we're at some party in the art classroom. I guess Mr. Clampett wants some schoolgirl ass, which leads me to wonder, since there's such a concern for notifying the girls parents at one point, why are they allowed to drink? Anyway, Jodie (played by Cheryl Ladd!), another blond student, bursts in and delivers some news about Lucy. I paused at this point and guessed that Lucy is dead, probably a result of drinking herself to death after seeing that awful plaid green dress, and I was right. They say it's suicide, but we know better.

Later, at night, Elizabeth can't sleep because it's all windy and thundery (It was a dark and stormy night...), so she gets up and finds that the electricity doesn't work for some reason. She grabs the conveniently placed lantern and lights it with some conveniently placed matches. Then she heads over to talk to Debbie in her dorm. Elizabeth asks her, "What do you think made them do it?" in reference to the two suicides (Martha and Lucy) and before Debbie can answer, thunder is heard. So Zeus made them do it? What follows is boring chatter about her painting of Martha. Elizabeth asks what room of the school is she supposed to be in and thunder is heard once again before Debbie can answer. So in the painting, Martha is supposed to be in the Thunder Room.

After Elizabeth leaves, she heads over to the Salem Hall building of the school (in slippers and a nightgown) and goes down into the basement after grabbing the painting of Martha so she can successfully identify the room. The lighting in the basement is terribly done. Whenever Elizabeth moves to a certain part of the room, the very bright light shining at her shuts off and a new one shines at her in the next spot she's in, casting a shadow of the lantern on her, whereas if the light were really coming from the lantern, that effect would not happen. This is a 70s TV movie, and we all know because of lower budgets, we can't do things correctly. She eventually finds the matching room: a wine cellar. She then sees an arm holding a machete and runs away. After she's outside, we cut back to the wine cellar, revealing to us that the man is none other than Dr. Psych.

Later, in the Psych classroom, there's more lab rat study. The rats are freaking out. Dr. Psych comments on this by saying "Humans don't show their terror like rodents, running and screeching." I guess Dr. Psych hasn't seen many horror movies. He gets frustrated as he realizes no one has any idea what he's talking about and that everyone is incredibly bored. As the girls leave one comments on his weirdness. He's not that weird, you stupid airhead. He's just trying to teach you fucking morons about behavioral psychology.

Later at night, Debbie goes loopy and runs outside. Meanwhile, Elizabeth and her new brunette friend, Roberta, investigate the wine cellar once more and find Debbie's corpse, which for some reason has panty hose on her head. Liz looks incredibly disgusted while Roberta grins. Hurm... I think the director might have told them to picture Debbie naked and react to that or something. They tell the Headmistress and say that they think it's suicide. A girl dies with panty hose on her head and you call it suicide? The hell? Anyway, Headmistress pretends to call the police with her finger on the hang up button thing. Uh-oh!

After the Headmistress leaves the room, they snoop around and look for files on the dead girls. The files are missing, so naturally, they head over to Dr. Psych's classroom, where they find it sticking out like a sore thumb near the rat cages. Upon further inspection, they find that all the rats are dead. Suddenly Dr. Psych appears. "They were slaughtered," he tells them, gun in hand. "THEY WERE SLAUGHTERED." Dr. Psych tells Elizabeth, who looks wide-eyed as he points the gun at her, which doesn't say much since she's wide-eyed throughout the whole damn movie, that the killer isn't a person. He then jumps out the nearby window (they're on the 2nd floor, mind you) and runs away. The two girls run into Mr. Clampett and tell him what's going on and he follows Dr. Psych. I think it's obvious that Mr. Clampett's evil. As he runs away, Dr. Psych trips into water and is surrounded by girls with long sticks. I think they drown him... the movie cuts away before that happens.

Why is this sacrifical gown soiled?

Elsewhere, Elizabeth tells Roberta who she really is. At this point I bet Roberta is in cahoots with whatever evil force is in the school. After that, Mr. Clampett arrives and she reveals her identity to him, as well. He has no reaction whatsoever and tells them to stay in his classroom. In a very un-horror movie-like occurence, they heed his orders and head over to the art room. The lights are completely out, yet a bright light is shining on them. Jeez.

PULL DA STRINGS!

Meanwhile, Mr. Clampett tells the Headmistress to evacuate the school for some reason. If it's not obvious that he's evil before, it is now. She complies to his orders and the kids are loaded into the mini buses. As they leave, Elizabeth runs out, leaving Roberta in the art room and screams "WAIT!" as she sees the mini buses (ah... those are vans). As she opens the door to her car, DR. Psych's corpse falls out. After running to Roberta again, they find the Headmistress in her office, talking like a student from the 1940s that got into deep trouble. I have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean, nor do I care at this point. The two find that the phone is dead, and, totally ignoring the Headmistress throughout most of the scene, decide to head back to the basement to get weapons. If you're expecting an Evil Dead 2-type climax, don't. It's neither that interesting nor that pleasing.

Yep, she's taking off her shirt. No, you don't see anthing.

After grabbing a single revolver (all the rifles had disappeared without explanation... maybe Dr. Psych preparing to take down Satan once and for all?) they go into the wine cellar to find the girls with long sticks in white dresses and Mr. Clampett in a black Dracula-like cape. Roberta pushes Elizabeth into the room and changes into a white dress (no, we don't get to see her change). Damn, I kinda liked her. We then find out that Mr. Clampett really is Satan and that he needs Elizabeth to be the 8th orphaned girl for some sacrifice, though we're not told why he needs to sacrifice anyone in the first place. After screaming "NO!" she tosses the lantern into the wine, causing an explosion. She runs away, then Satan exits, saying that they'll be back when he has an 8th girl. For some reason the girls stay in the flaming room. As Elizabeth runs out she grabs the Headmistress, who's watering a plant and tosses another lantern onto the stairs.

We are the world...

As they exit the building, they run into the police who have just arrived. Meanwhile, in the basement, Satan walks through the fire in the wine cellar, which looks like they just put a cape and really long sleeves (to cover fake hands) on a mannequin and pushed it in. Outside, Elizabeth tells the cops that not all the girls made it out. Elsewhere, Satan, in a black suit, enjoys a cigarette and disappears, leaving a burned spot in the grass. Cue credits.

Dunno what to make of this...

Christ, that sucked. Glad I only paid a dollar for it, and I also bought Roger Corman's "The Terror," starring Jack Nicholson and Boris Karloff. This review almost didn't happen, since the same problem with my copy of "Nightmaster" (the constant speeding up of the video/audio for no reason) occurred, which was fixed by moving to another VCR. Does that mean that my next review will be "Nightmaster?" I have no idea.

In memory of Roberta...

REAL MOVIE GRADE:

CRAP MOVIE GRADE:

So crappy, you'd rather have sex with Roberta's charred corpse*.

*Yep, that's my second burnt corpse necrophilia joke so far.

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