dThe Punisher

Hasta la vista, Baby.

Stats
FOUND AT: Big Lots
PRICE: $ 3.99 US
DIRECTOR: Mark Golblatt
SCREENPLAY: Boaz Yakin, who I've found isn't clueless about comics.
STARRING: Dolph Lundren, Louis Gossett, Jr.
RATING: R for rowdy.
YEAR: 1989
AVAILABILITY: Easy to find. And affordable!
IMDB FUN FACT!:
Ninety-one people are killed individually during the course of the movie.
It was banned in South Africa (fucking South Africans... this is worse than those dirty rich white interlopers supressing the original inhabitants) and then released on video 2 years later.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(from IMDB)

"Draxx
Toronto, Canada

Date: 21 April 1999
Summary: This movie has it all...

This movie has it all: terrible acting, stupid story and script so poor that only a writer like Boaz Yakin could have written it. Avoid it like a plaque and you'll thank me for saving you two hours of your life."

Ok, I couldn't find any screen captures. Let's just use scenes from the comic.

I love comic books. Unfortunately, comic books usually don't get made into good movies, especially before Blade, a.k.a. the little movie that could, showed us that a comic book movie doesn't have to totally suck (note the hilarious vampire pun). "The Punisher" is one of those movies that have been severely mishandled and was probably made by people who never read a comic and don't care to. Directed by Mark Golblatt, who directed only one other movie and some of the very neat FOX TV series "Eerie, Indiana", but has had a nice career as editor, it was written by Boaz Yakin, director of the manipulative "Remember the Titans" and writer of the memorable "From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money," and starred Dolph Lundren, of cinematic classics "Masters of the Universe" and "Rocky IV", and Lois Gossett Jr, of "Enemy Mine." For those of you unfamiliar with the comic book, "The Punisher" is about a man whose family was accidentally killed in the crossfire of a gang war in a park. This turned him into a complete lunatic who kills criminals with an arsenal of weapons.

The opening credits consist of shots of drawings of criminals alternating with stock photos of 1920s hookers and the like. Every so often, yellow-tint footage of the Punisher shooting would appear, followed by the criminal drawings shattering like stained glass windows. After the credits, the movie starts off with a news report, giving us some backstory and mentioning the Punisher's reign of terror upon the dark underbelly of the city, which we can assume is New York, since most Marvel Comics characters live in New York. Instead of having us experience the Punisher's origin first hand, in this movie he's already been established for 5 years, having killed 125 criminals so far and counting. The reporter informs us of the Franco crime family, which has assassinated numerous people, including police officer Frank Castle and his family, Frank Castle being the main character. It's obvious that he was only mentioned to hint at the character's origin a bit. After reporters throw questions at the interim head of the Franco family as he gets into a car and drives off, a mysterious guy on a motorcycle follows. I think it's obvious who he is, since the news report mentioned the Punisher mere moments before.

The head (let's call him Mr. Head, since he won't be appearing in the movie for much longer) arrives home as the Punisher sneaks in and takes out his bodyguards, killing most of them with a knife taped to his boot. We're treated to watching from Punisher's POV as he approaches Mr. Head from behind, causing Mr. Head to point his gun at the camera. Outside, the reporters in front of Mr. Head's mansion-like house hear a gunshot and run toward the house as it explodes. It doesn't really explode... fire just erupts through the windows. Then Mr. Head stumbles out, smoke-stained like Daffy Duck after being shot by Elmer Fudd, and falls forward, showing us the knife (with a skull handle) in his back. The Punisher appears in the doorway, flames in front of him, poses for the cameras, and walks off. Then the house really explodes.

This is what practically every cover
of the Punisher comics look like.

What follows next is a silly voice over by the Punisher as the camera looks for him in the sewers. The Punisher, sounding hung-over, talks to God, asking him if what he's doing is right or somesuch, and says how God never answers him. When the camera guy finally finds the Punisher and approaches from behind. He's sitting indian-style and completely naked. This is obviously to show that he's a complete nutcase, just like the villain in Die Hard 2. Then we're given a choppily edited flashback, showing us the assassination that killed Punisher's family. His wife and two daughters go into a car, and it explodes as Castle (Punisher, for those of you who are skimming... lazy bastiches) drives up to his house. Magically, he's already at the car, to find it and his wife inside intact, albeit smoke-stained (back to the Daffy Duck simile). Then the car really explodes. What's utterly ridiculous is that Castle somehow survives this with no permanent scarring or anything. What I've realized during the course of the movie is that it doesn't bother to explain anything, like how Punisher gets away right before something occurs a second later that would logically kill him due to a lack of escape time.

We then return to the present, specifically in the rubble of Mr. Head's mansion. Here we're introduced to Jake Berkowitz, played by Louis Gossett, Jr. I heard at a Comic Convention that his role was meant for a white guy, hence the Jewish surname "Berkowitz." Anyway, Berkowitz is being interviewed by a reporter. He says that he believes Frank Castle is the Punisher. We then find out that everyone else thinks he's a nutcase for his beliefs and his obsession with the Punisher. Apparently everyone thinks he a myth despite footage of him. Berkowitz uses the Gregory Hines "Eve of Destruction" approach to sounding like a hardass: curse a lot. And yell at people. Why would Berkowitz think Castle was the Punisher? Seems kinda non-sequitur to me. "They didn't find a body when Castle was supposedly killed, so therefore he's the Punisher. And because Sean Connery used to play James Bond, Jennifer Lopez is really a succubus sucking Ben Affleck's soul dry." As Berkowitz is about to leave, he is approached by young female cop Sam Leary, played by the sorta lovely Nancy Everhard, who was also in "The Trial of the Incredible Hulk" and was last seen (at least in movies) in "The Untouchables," where she played Catherine Ness. She states her wishes to be his partner, to which Berkowitz rejects her. Then she employs the one secret weapon that will make any crazy person do what you want: tell them you believe them.

The movie then cuts to some reporters talking to the real head of the Franco Crime Family, Gianni Franco, played by Jeroen Krabbé, who played Satan in the "Jesus" TV movie... or was that Jesus in the "Satan" TV movie? Anyway, he tells the Reporters that stress is killing his associates, and that he thinks the Punisher is a myth. Then Berkowitz gets his attention from his car, and tells him that he's no more than just bait for the Punisher. Then Franco talks with his 2nd in command about a drug shipment. I don't know where he did this, cause I didn't specify in my notes. Ah, well.

We then jump over to a bar, where we meet Shake (at least I think his name's Shake... had to do some process of elimination on IMDB), Punisher's sidekick. He's asking another guy for money so he can get piss drunk. When the bartender notices this, he has a bouncer throw him out. As he's thrown out (literally), he screams "I'M AN ACTOR!" At least he got the money. Come to think of it, that might have been how much he got paid to do this flick. Suddenly a little toy car drives up with a beer bottle on it. Shake follows the car and eventually runs into the Punisher. We find out they were supposed to meet 4 hours ago. Whoopsie. At this point I realized that instead of sounding bad ass (Lundren's really trying, here) Punisher sounds very hung over. Shake tells Punisher about the drug shipment from the last scene, and, as a reward, Punisher gives him the beer, and the remote control to the car. What I'm wondering is where the hell did he get a toy car? Did he just walk into a toy store and buy one?

We're now at the pier, where the shipment of drugs is coming. There are a few Mafia guys in one area. One checks some remote-control device. One says "It's not that hard," and the other one pulls out his gun, preparing to shoot him, only to have intervention from the third man. What the hell? I'm sure Mafia men don't shoot each other over stupid crap like that. In fact, I'm positive. The third guy then calls another Mafia fellow in a car. The guy in the car tells him that everything's alright and, after hanging up, a sword pierces his chest through the windshield. Then the movie cuts to another Mafia guy pissing into the water. He then gets shot and falls in.

Cut to the French drug shippers. The Coast Guard stops them and shoots one of them for no reason as scuba guys come aboard and kill the others with very improbable weapons such as a spiky ball. Throughout the movie, when someone throws something, the camera follows it as it flies way too slowly for a projectile. During this attack scene we have another instance of someone using a shoeblade. Then the mafia guys approach the boat, ready to attack. Punisher snipes them out from a rooftop. The scubas use flying knifes to kill them, then switch to guns. You'd think it would be the other way around. Meanwhile, Punisher takes out a harpoon gun, spears a guy to a van (once again the slowly flying projectile shot), and slides down the rope attached to the harpoon. That was actually kinda cool, but seemed more like something to use in a satire/parody than a serious action flick. After shooting up some more scuba guys, he jumps onto a van (a drug van, most likely), stabs the driver, and jumps off as the van drives into the water. We're treated to another slowly flying projectile shot as a knife flies into the Punisher. He then falls into the water and the scubas shoot into the water.

Now it's day. The van is being pulled out of the water as Berkowitz and Leary investigate. The driver falls out with a skull knife on his chest... the Punisher's unintentional calling card. DUN DUN DUUUN! Where the hell does he get all those knives? Berkowitz could have found Punisher if he checked all the weapons shops that sell skull knives... stupid ass.

At the same time, Punisher is still traveling through the sewers to get to his lair. It's pretty inaccurate for a sewer... I didn't see any turtles. What doesn't make sense is that it's been several hours since his faked death, and he's still traveling. Maybe his lair is under Jersey. Anyway, he heals the wound on his chest with a hot knife, though it seems like he put the knife on the wrong side of his chest. D'oh!

The film cuts to the Franco and his associates talking about Lady Tanaka, a female member of the Yakuza. As in every first mentioning of the Yakuza in anything (23rd Rule of Filmmaking: Never assume your audience knows anything), eventually the speaker follows up by saying Yakuza is the Japanese Mafia. In this case, one of his associates says "Yaku-what?" prompting the explanation. Of course, my reply would have been "YakuZA. How the hell do you miss one fucking syllable at the end of a word?" Lady Tanaka then enters the meeting room (speak of the devil!) through a very unrealistic door consisting of round, moving plates. How the hell does Tanaka gain access to the building? I'm not sure if they let her in or (the more likely case for this movie) she just came uninvited and the movie didn't bother to explain how. Tanaka then has a speech, where she reveals that the Scuba Squad was the Yakuza, the Japanese Mafia. This is one of those speeches where you expect the speaker to kill someone to set an example. Prepare to be undisappointed. She proposes a partnership, with a 75-25 split of the cash (the 75 going to the Yakuza (the Japanese Mafia), of course). One of Franco's men objects, saying "No way am I gonna be salary boy for a buncha Nips!" Nips? What the hell is a Nip? I'm guessing that it's a shortening of "Nippon," an old nationalist name for Japan (they use "Nihon," now that there's a lack of nationalism, post-WW II) in Japanese. So Tanaka kills him (or at least gives him a puncture wound) of some sort with a pointy thing on her wrist. I think later in the movie I found out that it was a pointy finger thing, like a thimble, but deadly. At this point I realized this is the longest review I've ever written, for a movie that I think doesn't have as much comedic material as the others. Jesus.

Meanwhile, that whole conversation was being heard by Punisher through some speakers and tapping of some sort. What the hell? How did he do that? Once again, another thing in the movie that doesn't make sense. While listening in on this, Franco reveals that he's going to war with the Yakuza... the Japanese Mafia.

We now return to Leary and Berkowitz as Leary is using a computer as Berkowitz watches over her computer work like the old dog he is. Berkowitz laughs at her for using such archaic technology and shows her an even more advanced device: a map with pins in it, each pin representing a Punisher hit. It's exactly what Leary showed him on the computer, except you can draw blood with this one. To show that he's even more of a nut, Berkowitz shows her his evidence collection (why it's in his desk, I don't know... he's been stealing from the evidence room?): some skull knives and bullet casing (the cylinder things that fall out of machine guns). Leary then proposes that instead of coming the city, they comb UNDER the city... how the hell does a rookie think of something hilariously obvious that a veteran can't?

In what can only be described as a pointless interlude (like in The Beatles' "Help," only far less funny) we're treated to 5 seconds of the Punisher riding his motorcycle in the sewer, looking stoned out of his mind. After that, we see some kids being kidnapped. In one scene a mother or a nanny is playing with some kids, holding up a toy panda, gets shot through the panda, and the kids are taken away. The odd thing is that the bullets look like they were coming from right in front of her. Maybe the kids were just tired of listening to her talk. And why the hell shoot her? As if she's some super soldier ninja nanny or something.

Meanwhile, Shake (That's his name, right? I don't remember.) searches for Punisher in the sewer (and what a strangely cleanly sewer it is). When he finally finds him, we're treated to a terribly delivered dialogue exchange (at least on Lundren's part):
Shake: "You know, with your flare for entrances, you should consider a career in the theatre."
Punisher: "I'll think about it."
Then we get the news that everyone (at least the crime folks) thinks Punisher is dead. Punisher replies to this news by saying that they'll just kill each other now. When Shake asks what he'll do now, Punisher replies with "Take a vacation." My ass. He's too much of an obsessive nut. He'll just end up killing jaywalkers on South Beach. We then learn from Shake that the kids that were kidnapped were the children of the Mafia guys, and are being held for ransom. What the Mafia fellows don't know is that the kids will be tossed into the slave trade after the money is paid. You don't hear much about the slave trade anymore... Anyway, the Punisher is about to leave, then Shake does some Etrigan-like rhyming to persuade him. I don't quite remember, but I think Shake gets on and they drive off, which makes me wonder where he gets gas for his bike. Picture the big morose lug sucking gas out of a sedan... heh.

Spare a steroid or two?

We then return to find those Mafia guys in the same exact room, but with lots of smoke and mugs of coffee. In this scene we learn how evil Lady Tanaka really is: to show her loyalty to the Yakuza, Yakuza being the Japanese Mafia, she kills her very close (if you catch my drift...) twin brother. That's two stereotypes: a Japanese person that's evil and sexually perverse.

Cut to footage two Japanese guys with a couple briefcases walking into a building inter-cut with guys doing Kendo (Japanese fencing... they use wooden sticks called "Shinai" instead of swords) inside. Eventually the two enter that room and walk past the Kendo guys, and then past Lady Tanaka's daughter doing kick boxing daughter to give those suitcases, which are revealed to be full of money, to Tanaka.

We then get to watch the Mafia kids. They're talking to each other, mentioning that they're here because of their respective fathers. Now, I'm no expert on the Mafia, but I kinda doubt that their fathers would tell them that they commit crimes for a living. As I watched this scene I thought, "What is this, Lord of the Flies?" Anyway, two of the kids argue and fight. Tanaka then enters and talks to them, giving one of the girls a candy and beckoning her to come with her. One of the kids that fought pushes Tanaka over to keep her away from the girl. He then gets hit by a guard. The kid then proceeds to hit the guard on the back with a chair, causing the guard (nope the chair didn't hurt him at all) to hit him and take him away.

In the next scene Punisher crashes through a skylight into an illegal Yakuza (the Japanese Mafia) casino, kills a couple of guards, and shoots slot machines with a stupid look on his face. Now, I'm no expert on illegally operating casinos, but I don't think I'd put a skylight in a building where prostitution, drugs, and craps is occuring. What's good is that my notes on that scene took up half a 91/2 by 6 inch notebook and I condensed it into a sentence. The next day, Berkowitz and Leary investigate the scene. The ripping off of a Japanese guy's shirt reveals that he's part of the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. When Berkowitz takes out a picture of Punisher's kids (I honestly don't remember why), it's made obvious that either Frank Castle was his old partner or he's a lot like Robin Williams in "One Hour Photo."

Pretend that this is a skylight, the guys inside are
Japanese and playing craps, and Punisher isn't wearing white
boots and gloves, and then you'll feel my pain.

Next, Punisher and Shake arrive at the fairgrounds. After leaving Shake in front, Punisher drives around the abandoned fairgrounds, goes into a funhouse, where a shootout ensues. Eventually he gets surrounded by the Scuba guys from earlier and the female one kicks the crap out of him by kick boxing. Now, if it isn't obvious, Lady Tanaka's daughter is the female Scuba guy. She reveals herself by removing her mask (as if he'd recognize her), as opposed to showing him her memorable birthmark, and Punisher passes out. At this point you can tell this is the 2nd act, since in most superhero movies the hero gets his ass kicked in the 2nd arc. Don't believe me? Go see "Batman Forever" again. Better yet, don't. It's really not worth the pain.

Punisher then wakes up, chained to a torture rack. Lady Tanaka and her Daughter (who's only billed as "Tanaka's Daughter" in the credits) are in leather suits, prepared to "interrogate" him. Here's some actual dialogue:
Lady Tanaka: "How much pain do you think that buys?"
Punisher: "Is the question true/false, or multiple choice?"
Lady Tanaka: "Neither."
She turns the rack on.
Lady Tanaka: "Who sent you?"
Punisher: "Batman."
Rack.
Lady Tanaka: "Do you get the impression that I don't believe you?"
Punisher: "Do you think I give a shit?"
Such witticisms... Anyway, she decides to remove a giant white sheet on the other torture rack to reveal Shake, who's being racked. Punisher still doesn't talk, so the Tanakas (kinda like the Judds, I guess) leave, leaving the rack operator (who looks like a scientist) and two guards. Punisher says, "Have a nice day" as they leave. At least he's polite. Punisher tells them to come to him as he unscrews the screws on his shackles with his fingers. The operator says "Nan desu ka? Asoko desu!" to the guards, which translates to "What is that? Over there!" He finally undoes the shackle, takes the gun from the guard, shoots the guards, and says "Sayonaro [sic]." We then cut to the operator (wearing red pumps) on the rack. "I don't want to stretch this out..." Punisher says before he asks where the kids are, which the operator replies to in perfect English. Punisher turns the rack on anyway and leaves.

See what I mean?

After a scene with Berkowitz and Leary in the sewers in which Berkowitz reveals that 1) he's an alcoholic, 2) Castle helped him out as a protege, we meet the Mafia guys in a not very fancy restaurant (it has plaid floor tiles). After Tanaka and daughter walk in , everyone else in the restaurant pull out guns with gigantic silencers and shoot the undercover Mafia guys in the restaurant. Here's another time something isn't explained that should have been. You know, the details of the Mafia guys' deaths aren't necessary to know. All you need to know is Tanaka's daughter uses her earrings as projectiles and the champagne (which, oddly enough, was in a bottle, not a box) was poisoned.

Meanwhile, Punisher steals a bus, but stops so he can let an old drunk get off. How nice of him. He then goes to the building, saves all the kids except the kid that hit Tanaka, "Tommy" (he was captured by Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) guys in the process) and drives off in a bus. My notes mention making a joke about Bus Driver Punisher (an action figure, maybe?) but it honestly doesn't seem funny now.

Next we have a car chase. One Yakuza guy hangs onto the outside of the bus as the kids lightly tap on his hands to get him to let go... how cute! After the guy falls off and gets run over by another car, Bus Driver Punisher runs an enemy car into a U-Haul, causing an immediate explosion. Sure. Then Punisher approaches a barricade of cops and gets arrested.

Then, at the police station, Berkowitz visits Punisher. The guards around his room (not your average cell) have shotguns, but it doesn't matter. We all know what it's like in these kinds of films: cops are incompetent and incapable cannon fodder. While talking to Punisher, Berkowitz moves uncomfortably close to him and starts slapping him, Three Stooges-style. Later, on the transport vehicle, Punisher is abducted by who can only be part of the Franco crime family, interrupting a very forgettable conversation between him and Leary. Then, at Franco's building place (I have no idea what it is, actually), Franco persuades Punisher to help him get his son (Tommy) back by showing him Berkowitz.

While Punisher and Shake prepare, Berkowitz has to pee. After he threatens to pee in his seat, the guards let him go and he punches them out. Then another comes with a box of pizza, he knocks him out and takes a slice of pizza.

Punisher enjoys time by the pool.

Punisher and Franco enter the building, shoot up every Japanese person in sight, and then we have a Tanaka/Franco showdown. Tanaka, who's dressed as a geisha for no apparent reason, has Tommy and wants Franco to shoot himself in the face, and she'll let him go. Meanwhile, Punisher fights Tanaka's daughter, who has no lines in the movie. She uses earring projectiles and shoe blades. Punisher snaps her neck. Then, Franco is about to shoot himself, when Punisher bursts through a porcelain wall (I think?!) and throws a knife at Tanaka's head. Then Franco and Punisher fight. Punisher shoots him in the struggle. Tommy gets the gun and threatens to shoot Punisher. Punisher tells him to grow up to be a good man, or he'll come after him. I doubt that he'll be that effective, considering he'd be like 70 at that point... the presence of an I.V. takes away from the badass-ness of a person, I think. At this point I thought to myself, "Tee-Hee. He's wearing leather pants." anyway. Berkowitz finally enters the room and finds that Punisher is gone. He runs to the roof, screams "FRANK!" And that's the end of that scene.

Yup, just Punisher looking menacing in front of a motorcycle.

Then we're treated to the same exact scene with the camera looking for Punisher, and approaching him from the back as he sits barenaked while the voiceover narration has him thinking to himself. His voice-over ends with "The guilty must be punished." Fade to black. Finally, it's over. What the hell happened to Leary? Not only was she a pointless character, we did not get any closure to her. She just gets punched in the paddy wagon and that's the last we see of her. Ah, well.

Y'know, this movie was filmed in Australia, set in New York City, and went directly to video here in the states two years after being completed. There's a reason for that. This is one of the crappy comic book flicks, but oddly enough, probably Lundren's best film. If it can be called "Film." Or "Lundren's," for that matter. Now I need a cigarette after writing this review...

Normal Movie Grade: (Barely)
Crap Movie Grade:

So crappy, you'll wish Garth Ennis controls everything that happens in your life.

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