PHANTOM SOLDIERS

It's movies like this that make you
want to gouge your eyes out.

OR:

Fidel Castro makes his acting debut.

Stats
FOUND AT: Dollar Store
PRICE: One frickin dollar.
DIRECTOR: Irvin Johnson
SCREENPLAY: No screenwriter credited. I doubt there was a script.
STARRING: Max Thayer, Jack Yates, Corwin Sperry (Yes, I'm thinking "Who?!" as well.)
RATING: No rating. But that doesn't matter. No one of any age should watch this movie.
YEAR: 1987
AVAILABILITY: Thankfully, impossible to find.
IMDB FUN FACT!:
I added hilarious quotes to IMDB for this shitfest: http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0222269
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(from IMDB)

"paulcooke37
England

Date: 19 June 2001
Summary: An overlooked late entry stylish Vietnam combat movie

From the opening fifteen minutes of action packed carnage the on screen style of the 'Phantom Soldiers' garbed in black biochemical warfare outfits equipped with the unforgettable image of gas masks adorned with protrusions are the stuff of apocalyptic nightmares. "

It goes on like that, ending with:

"The style of film making is excellent & the superb use of full frame material is extremely well realised as Director Irvin Johnson produces scene after scene of solid actor dialogue delivery & spectacular head & body multiple bullet hits in bloody & gory detail. This is one movie that clearly came at the end of the Vietnam war action film stable & was overlooked cinematically even on its shamelessly low video release issuing which is a great shame as this stands out as a real highlight & even dares to contain original themes previously unseen as a result of its low profile exposure. "

Because It's impossible to find screenshots for this, I decided to remake the movie, and have it make more sense. I titled it "Phantom Soldiers: Stream of Shallow Brooks. The idea of using a sock comes from my friend/crazy anime geek, Elly. She said she'd dress me up as a female robot that shoots phallic missles out of her crotch if I didn't."

The phrase "worst movie I've ever seen" is thrown around quite a bit these days. This is partly due to Frisbees having phrases printed on them nowadays and people who think a film that doesn't quite meet their elitist criteria is the "worst movie ever." Well, just let me start off by saying "Phantom Soldiers" might be the worst movie I've ever seen. Directed by Irving Johnson, who directed some other crappy action flicks, it stars... It's not important. Now, I'm no expert on movies, but movies tend to have scripts. Even my school's production company has a script for the uninspired crap-fest they're making now. IMDB doesn't even mention the presence of a screenwriter. In fact, I'd venture to guess that this movie didn't have a script. I'd even further venture to say that the director had notes sprawled on crumpled napkins in crayon, informing him of what he wants to happen in this movie. You know how forgetful those directors are.

This is a poster from Ghana. To see more
hilariously drawn classic movie posters, such as House Party 3
(that wasn't a joke... there really is one), go to
http://www.materialculture.com/movieposters.html

On a website, I found a plot description of this movie in German (and I use the terms "plot," "movie," and "German" loosely) which, after putting it in a translator, read: "North Vietnam. A mysterious group by soldiers, camouflaged and with most modern weapons equipped, organizes bloody Gemetzel. An American special-purpose force, which takes up pursuit, comes into the force of the mysterioesen troop and is considered from now on as missed." That actually makes more sense than the entire movie.

A Vietnamese soldier wakes up in the afternoon sun, tanned by
the scorching sun.

I found this little gem at a dollar store, so I knew it would suck. The thing is, it came in the wrong box, AND THE PLASTIC WRAPPING WAS STILL ON IT. Instead of "The Day they Robbed America," which is a much more hilarious title, I get a completely different movie. Usually there'd be a sticker or printing on the cassette tape that says the title of the movie, but all mine did was recommend that I use tracking if I experience picture problems. So I put it in my VCR, and I see that the movie has already started. I stop and rewind. The thing is, it's already at the beginning. So the movie starts right in the middle of the action. I'd attribute it to a mistake in the video transfer, but considering the quality of the movie itself, it makes sense.

Suddenly the Vietnamese man meets Jesus... yep, he's been in 'Nam the
whole time, and no one noticed.

The movie starts out (at least for me) in a Vietnamese village. Scary-ass black-clad soldiers (let's just call them Phantom Soldiers so I don't have to call them "scary-ass soldiers" until I get to the part in the movie where they're finally called Phantom Soldiers) wearing neo-World War I-looking gas masks and bullet proof vests armed with AK-47s, grenade launchers, tear gas, and very antiquated looking grenades massacre the villagers. Some of the villagers have machine guns for some bizarre reason, and everyone wears the neat cone hats. The Phantom Soldiers never get hit in this sequence. A villager hits one with a shoulder causing no effect. The Phantom Soldier shoots him way too many times, blood gushing like he was full of water balloons. They also blow up multiple huts for no apparent reason. Most of the scene is mobs of Vietnamese people running and falling down while Phantom Soldiers shoot and huts explode.

Suddenly, the Vietnamese man is shot and his village is exploded offscreen.
It is also revealed that my skin, not to mention the posters on my wall, are
visible in the shot, dammit.

And now for something completely different. We're with a group of guys in a helicopter over the "Mexico/Texas Boarder" with some badly dubbed dialogue. Better get used to it... there's a lot of badly dubbed dialogue throughout... at least I think it's badly dubbed. I can't be too sure. Anyway, the guys in it get out. Though the movie doesn't explain it (better get used to that...) they might be Texas Rangers (not a single Chuck Norris among them) and they're raid someplace that isn't really explained. This is where we meet Dan Custard our main character (I think... I don't remember him in the scene and we don't realize he's the main character until half way though the movie). Before the raid, Dan (once again assuming it's him) manages to locate the base by checking a can of soda ("Still cool. They're close by. These folks'll learn not to litter."). When they arrive at the base, he gets the Mexican guards' attention by stumbling around (I'm not sure if the stumbling is on purpose or not, he just might be drunk.), causing a guard to exclaim "Ah! El Gringo!" which I'll just assume translates to "Ah! The Gringo!" which makes it sound like he was expecting him.

What follows next is another shootout scene. It's exactly like the one in Vietnam (falling down, exploding buildings, and all), except with Mexicans and Texas Rangers. They capture the leader of the group. As he captures him, Dan says "Hold it right there Castro, I'll cut you in half!" which is weird, since all he has is a gun (which he reveals to be empty, by the way) that doesn't really cut things. "This barrel is really sharp!" No, that whole scene has little bearing on the film.

Stealing two gimmicks from the 60s Batman TV series, tilted cameras and
accidental blurryness, we reveal Ah-Nold to be the killer.

Next we have some Green Berets parachuting from a helicopter in Vietnam. They find the massacred village and that near the mass of bodies, there's a skull on a stick. What's weird is that the tear gas in the air doesn't affect them much. The Berets reactions to the dead bodies are very poorly acted. Not Cinemax porn flick bad, but far, far, far, worse. I almost thought it was a porn flick for second. "It's hot in Vietnam... and in my pants." Anyway, later we have Lt. Michael Custard, brother of Dan Custard, talking to some random higher-up. He shows him the skull he and the other Berets found in the village. The higher-up replies with something that sounds like "Like Phantom comic hero, another addition to my collection." After watching this scene, I think it's the same guy dubbing every voice...

Meanwhile, Dan meets some guy on a shooting range and they go have lunch. Dan is wearing an NFL hat. We can assume gay sex ensues later. Once again, this scene has no bearing on the movie.

Ah-Nold confronts Jesus in a John Woo-style Mexican Standoff. Ah-Nold
is bound to miss, since Jesus is so damn short. Gee, I wonder who will win:
Jesus pointing or an evil robot with a gigantic hole in his chest?

Back to the Green Berets. One sees a Phantom Soldier in the jungle/forest. He screams and shoots it, Starship Troopers-style. Then all his buddies come and shoot up the area and then run away. Then we have more Vietnamese massacre by the Phantom Soldiers. One gets shot in the leg (finally!) and the Green Berets follow the trail of blood and have a stand off with the Phantom Soldiers. One of them reveals to the Green Berets in a muffled voice that he's CIA, and they're executing a covert operation. I dunno, does the CIA usually operate outside the US, and look like they're in the army? I'm doubtful about the latter...

He then leads them to a waterfall-like area. The CIA guy now looks like a Nazi soldier, and leaves the Green Berets alone, allowing for the other Phantom Soldiers that are hiding to shoot up the Berets. Yep, it's a trap. How shocking. Only three survive: Michael Custard, a.k.a. Mustache Guy, Black Guy, and Young Guy.

Cut to Dan's house. He learns that his brother is missing in action. He goes to talk to his Texas Ranger superior, and tells him, "If I gotta run through hell in gasoline-soaked trousers, I will." If there's one thing this movie has, it's great lines. Doesn't make up for the rest of this travesty, though. Later, Dan arrives at a military base, posing as a Colonel. Yeah, that's real believable. A General yells at him for wearing a hat. After that, we're treated to a pointless helicopter scene with Dan and the machine gun operator.

Just then Jesus' Gran'ma, Gran'ma Ben, arrives.

Then, at a military base, the US soldiers there are attacked by Vietnamese soldiers (who are attacking because reports say the Phantom Soldiers are American Soldiers, which is shocking, because there's an actual reason, albeit a silly one), in a flurry of bad editing and pointy cone hats. Vietnamese soldiers fall on barbed wire, immediately die, and then explode. Others toss exploding back packs. Suddenly Dan's helicopter arrives. The machine gunner gets shot (from that high up? I doubt it) and Dan takes control, shooting up everything in sight. Then the movie cuts to black for no reason, then cuts back to the action. Once the helicopter lands, Dan gets out and takes out all the remaining Viet soldiers all by himself.

"Put up your fists," barked Gran'ma Ben, "And soon we'll see the cut of your jib!"

Later he is taken to question a captured Viet soldier. The translator yells at the prisoner in really really bad Vietnamese and "asshole!" follows a couple of his probably fake Vietnamese orders. I mean, the whole movie is obviously not researched... why would they provide real Vietnamese? Dan, growing tired of playing games, shoots at the soldier and he decides to squeal. I'm no expert on military, but I don't think that's good military conduct to shoot at a prisoner.

Gran'ma Ben hits Ah-Nold and he flies into the former science project board
I put up to make sure the posters on my wall aren't visible.

After that, Dan heads over to a naval base. Where ever he walks, Vietnamese civilians surround him like he's Jesus and wail for no reason. He meets a pal in the Navy and requests some people to go with him to find his brother. When his pal denies him an A-Team to kick some ass, Dan responds with "You know what follows 'testicle' in the dictionary? 'Testify!'" Actually, Dan, it's "testiculate." Suddenly, we're treated to another Vietnamese attack. Jesus Christ, that's gratuitous. Dan's pal gets shot, and Dan gets the hell out of there. Dan then goes to a strip club. He approaches some random soldier-looking folk about going with him to North Vietnam, and they get offended. "You jiving me?" the black one stereotypically asks. Dan beats the crap out of them and leaves.

Oh no! The New Legion of Doom featuring The Joker, Racer X, Tetsuo,
Evil Ash, and Large-Headed Midget Undertaker have arrived! What will
Gran'ma Ben do?

Instead of B.A. Baracus, Face, and that crazy fool Murdoch, Dan, who, coincidentally, looks sorta like Hannibal without the personality, takes the Vietnamese Prisoner with him. On the way, Dan offers him some chocolate and some porn. Suddenly the prisoner can speak perfect English and shows him the way. Once Dan decides to go off his own, he makes the prisoner promise not to fight in the war (not sure what war he's referring to), and then gives him some money and his porn mag. Dan then goes on the trail and gets knocked out by a Phantom Soldier.

She makes "An Evening with Kevin Smith," DVD fall on them! And now
they're all dead, probably.

When he wakes up, he's greeted by the pretend-CIA guys, including the one that lead the Berets to their deaths and a fat guy named Wayne who's an "AP" and a "cook." I think the term was "AP." Anyway, they pretend that the Phantom Soldiers aren't them and describe them as "damn good," the second time that eloquent expression is used to describe them in this movie. While playing baseball with the soldiers, he hits a ball out, causing a landmine to explode. On M*A*S*H, that would be hilarious, but in this movie it serves to show that it's a way to keep prisoners from escaping. Only the soldiers know the path that will result in no lost limbs. Now, in a normal movie, that would be regarded as important information. Not here, it isn't. The presence of landmines is almost completely forgotten for the rest of the movie.

D'oh! Finally the camera decided to work after numerous button pressings
while I was changing positions!

Later, Dan does some snooping and finds his brother's Texas Ranger badge. He yells at the pretend-CIA for no reason. Then he does some more skulking around. He watches Wayne cook, a look of desire on his face. His lips curl in passion and his mouth waters as he watches him slice something, cut himself, and curse in Russian. That reveals their secret... they're Russian revolutionaries or something. What the hell are they doing in Vietnam? And why are they running around killing Vietnamese folk? Anyway, this food is taken to the three prisoners. Remember them? Mike, a.k.a. Mustache Guy, Black Guy, and Young Guy. The guards spill the food into the submerged bamboo cage (think "Deer Hunter").

Jesus and Gran'ma Ben pose for a picture infront of a dead Vietnamese man.

Before the Russian Revolutionaries/pretend-CIA/Phantom Soldiers can execute the prisoners, Dan frees them, but neither him nor his brother react to seeing each other. No surprise. Meanwhile, the head Russian guy sees a skull on his desk, and freaks out, sending soldiers to shoot everything in sight. Somehow the four of them are able to kill tons of Phantom Soldiers and ordinary-looking soldiers. More exploding and people falling down. A soldier gets hit with a bazooka blast and explodes.

Suddenly God appears before His son and mother and they pose in front
of the people they killed.

Now the movie throws in one of the biggest cliches in the book: the black dude dying first. Then we have another cliche: the wounded guy sitting down and taking out a chunk of the enemy forces. While he does that, Mike, a.k.a. Mustache Guy, and Young Guy run around and shoot some more soldiers. Sometimes they kill them in very silly ways, like knocking a Phantom Soldier down and putting a grenade in his gas mask while it's on his face.

Meanwhile, Dan is chased by a couple tanks and the head pretend-CIA guy in a helicopter... AND THEY ALL MISS HIM. Now if this were like Charlie's Angels Reloaded: Revenge of the Imperiex Drone, I'd get it, but this is supposed to be a realistic action war flick. Anyway, Young Guy gets wounded while Mustache Guy (I like "Mustache Guy" better than "Mike") shoots a Phantom Soldier in the eyes. Dan manages to beat the tank and puts a couple holes in the helicopter as more explosions and shooting occur. As a Phantom Soldier does a rain dance while on fire, Dan finally blows up the helicopter with a bazooka, and then says "Nobody's above the law... nobody."

Wind up Shaft and Robot Chick from Metropolis get down with their bad selves.

Then Mustache Guy and Young Guy walk up. There's a brief aerial shot of the three (I think that's what it is) with the same crappy 80s synthesized music as we've been hearing throughout the whole damn movie. Then the movie suddenly cuts to a blue screen with "THE END" in red letters. What the hell? That's it. The movie's over. No credits or anything. I think we can blame the video company. Someone needs to take the blame... I find the idea that it's the wrong video in the package to be more bizarre, though.

Boy did that movie suck. I mean, all the movies I review suck, but this was just horrible. You have horrid acting, a plot that doesn't make any sense, terrible music, crappy editing and poor sound, not to mention the atrocious dialogue. Now here's the part that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Someone actually made this. Someone came up with the idea, someone thought it was a good idea. And then someone paid money to have this movie made. Assuming there was a script, there were probably constant rewrites, and this was the best the writer(s) could give us. That will be sure to give you more nightmares than any Freddy Cougar or Barbara Streisand flick.

REAL MOVIE GRADE: NO S... NONE

CRAP MOVIE GRADE:

So unbelievably crappy, you'll wish that you were playing Russian Roulette with Christopher Walken, surrounded by VC guards.