JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

Yes, that is a real quote. Due to the lack of a decent cover, I made my own.

Stats
FOUND AT: Comic Convention
PRICE: 5 Bucks
DIRECTOR: Félix Enríquez Alcalá and Lewis Teague
SCREENPLAY: David Hoselton and Scott Shepherd.
STARRING: David Ogden Stiers, Kim Oja, Miguel Ferrer.
RATING: Not rated. Not that there's anything objectionable. Unless superheroes offend you. But Jesus was a superhero. Does Jesus offend you? You know, turning water to wine isn't exactly a good deed. Jesus spikes the punch while the Flash just runs really fast. So who's the supervillain?
YEAR: 1997
AVAILABILITY: Yeah, if you don't mind checking comic conventions or going to foreign countries.
IMDB FUN FACT!:
Um... the film is 68 minutes. Felt longer to me.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(from IMDB)

"Daniel Mckinney ([email protected])
Niceville,Florida

Date: 24 February 1999
Summary: "JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA VS. THE LEGION OF DOOM"

"I Wish there will be a JLA TV Series Pilot coming out with Episode Seasons just like other Superhero TV Shows." Now KidsWB! announces that there will be a JLA Animated series coming out first along with The Batman/Superman Adventures had come out first.So is The Legion of Super-Heroes" getting their animated series.

But I can't wait to see Justice League of America to have Supes! Bats! Wonder! and all Superhero team up battling the Legion of Doom fighting of Darkseid.

JLA TV Series Pilot CAST:

Brad Johnson to play Superman David Hasselhof "Baywatch" to play Batman Julie Strain "Star Trek:The Next Voyager" to play Wonder Woman David Charvet "Baywatch","Melrose Place" to play Green Lantern Hulk Hogan to play Aquaman Penelope Ann Miller to play Black Canary Renee O'Connor "Xena:Warrior Princess" to play Supergirl"

This review is dedicated to my closest pal, Chris Heck. Why don't YOU go do something fucking constructive, you judgemental prick?

Before I get into the movie, I'd like to say that I am a big Justice League fan. I've avidly read the comics since the current JLA series started, I enjoy the Cartoon Network show (very much). Needless to say, I nearly pissed my self 4 or 5 years ago when I read in an issue of Wizard Magazine that there were plans for a Justice League of America TV pilot movie, based on the humorous era of the series written by Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. Some time later, I find out that it won't be aired, and it's incredibly awful, but available in bootleg form at various comic conventions. A week ago, I go to a local small comic convention, where I find a copy of the video for 5 bucks. Lucky me! I buy it, with all the intention of writing a review for it, knowing how atrocious it's going to be.

Made in 1997, Justice League of America was directed by Félix Enríquez Alcalá (director of TV's "Taken," "Hack," and "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman") and Lewis Teague (director of Stephen King's Cujo and Cat's Eyes, in addition to Navy SEALs and The Dukes of Hazzard Reuinion TV movie). Yep, it took two directors to direct this piece of shit. It was written by David Hoselton (writer of The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave and Catch Me If You Can... no, not the Spielberg Flick) and Scott Shepherd (executive producer of TV's "Haunted" and producer/writer on TV's "The New Outer Limits"). Yep, it took two people to write this piece of shit, too. So take a moment and add the four of them to your people to kill list. The movie starts out with an interview with Tori (Tora in the comics) Olafsdotter, known to fans of the comic as Ice. Here she's played Kim Oja, of TV's "Son of the Beach." No, you're thinking of the wrong girl. She's Kimberlee Clark, the blonde one with not big breastesses. She was most recently in Deliver us from Eva, where she played Colette. In the interview, Tori talks about being a superhero or something. It's not very important. We're then treated to the credits while the title sequence consists of clouds moving quickly over those neat mirror reflective buildings.

Left: movie Ice. Right: comic Ice.
Far left: Green Lantern's arm.

Instead of some clever comics reference, this movie takes place in "New Metro USA," a completely made up place, at the "Eno Meteological Institute." Cut to Dr. Eno, who owns the place, as if it isn't obvious, yelling at one of his employees, Arliss, a nerdy wimp boy. Eno is played by Miguel Ferrer, who played FBI Forensic Specialist Albert Rosenfield in "Twin Peaks" and the the subsequent movie, not to mentioned playing numerous roles in the "Superman" animated series, such as Aquaman and The Weather Wizard (heh.). He can also be seen in the first Robocop movie, Traffic, and Brave New World, the almost softcore porn TV movie based on the great Aldous Huxley novel. After Arliss is chewed out, Tori enters and drops her papers and then talks to Dr. Eno, screwing up totally. Her thing is that she's clumsy with stacks of paper and words... I'd feel sorry for her if I cared. She's the complete opposite of her "Son of the Beach" character: instead of being a strong smart woman, she's a clutzy and absent minded.

It's then that we meet the Justice League. First we're introduced to Barry Allen, the Flash (superpower: superspeed), played by Kenny Johnston, who, according to the back of this bootleg, was Michael Lacey in "Cagney and Lacey: The Return," and had a part in an episode of "Law and Order." I'm not sure if this role is an improvement or not. Anyway, he's got a New York accent for no reason, unemployed, and is incredibly dumb. First we're shown an interview with him not in costume, then him in action in his civilian identity, where his landlord throws his stuff out of his apartment. Instead of beating him to death, Flash hears a beeping noise (his JLA alert!) and runs off just as his landlord tosses his VCR down to the ground from the second floor. There goes most of the movie's budget right there.

Seems like movie Flash's suit is a bit too tight
for him. His cowl was stolen from the set of
Batman and Robin.

Next we meet Guy Gardner, the Green Lantern (superpower: a ring that creates whatever green object he wants), played by Matthew Settle, who played Brian Westlake in a bunch of episodes of "ER," not to mention was Capt. Ronald Speirs in "Band of Brothers" and Jack in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. He seems to be a composite of Green Lanterns Guy Gardner, Hal Jordan (the most popular), and Kyle Rayner (the current one). Now we return to Tori, who reports bizarre weather anomalies to Dr. Eno, and then we're shown a broadcast from "Weather Man," our villain for the hour and twenty seven minutes. To make his unoriginal name look good, he looks like he's been wrapped in tinfoil and wearing cheap black plastic sunglasses to create a sense of "coolness." His voice is distorted like he's kidnapped someone and is making a call to the kidnappee's family. Then we return to Green Lantern, who is singing operatic for his girlfriend, played by Elisa Donovan, who played Amber in Clueless (both the TV show and the movie) at a restaurant. His JLA alert! beeps, and he also has to leave. He's now in the doghouse.

Far left: movie Green Lantern. Prettyboy: Hal Jordan GL.
Mop top: Guy Gardner GL. Angry in your face!: Kyle Rayner.

After that, we're introduced to B.B. Dacosta (Beatriz Dacosta in the comicses), Fire (superpower: creates fire), played by Michelle Ward, of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit," where she played Detective Monique Jefferies, and that interesting sounding Showtime series "Leap Years," where the characters jumped around several years. I wonder how good that show was... Anyway, instead of being a hot Brazillian bombshell with green hair as in the comics, she's blonde, and not that hot. We then cut to her in a banana suit, causing me to wonder if that bizarre sexual innuendo was on purpose. She's supposed to be an up-and-coming actress. Like the last two, she hears a beep and leaves her fruit audition or whatever the hell she's doing.

This is Fire. I'll let you figure out which is the movie
and which is the comic Fire.
This is lazy image editing at it's best, folks

Finally, we meet the Atom (superpower: he can shrink into a very small size. I tried to come up with a good shrinkage joke, but I failed), Ray Palmer, played by John Kassir, who did the voice of the Cryptkeeper on all the Tales from the Crypt movies, TV show, etc. and is also an actor/comedian. He's had a lot of parts, so I won't go into any further detail. As opposed to the comics' Atom, a rather attractive scientist fellow, he's a very geeky high school biology teacher. Answering his JLA Alert!, he leaves in the middle of class... boy, he's gonna get fired.

The Atom. Notice how bad that foam mess of a costume is.
Background: J'onn J'onzz, looking like he just soiled himself, and
is damn proud of it.

Cut to scenes of "destruction" caused by a hurricane. This movie's definition of destruction is breeze while a kid hangs on to a mailbox. Green Lantern saves them from a falling telephone pole, by way of horrendous special effects. Fire saves some construction workers from a wall that fell on them, adding some forgettable one liner that I didn't bother to listen to. Atom shrinks and saves a cat under a house for an old woman. It would help to realize that it's supposed to be somewhat humorous, even though it's not that funny to begin with. Atom's special effect is bizarre: he shatters into a million pieces like glass and the shards disappear while the white oval outline around him shrinks and he reappears as a tiny fellow. To stop the hurricane, Flash runs around in circles. To explain this, we cut to TV news footage explaining that he's slowing it down by creating a counter current by running in the opposite direction that the hurricane is spinning or whatever the hell hurricanes do. As a Floridian, I should know what hurricanes do, but I don't. Ah, well. As Tori and Dr. Eno watch the superheroes in action, Tori is VERY turned on... for a second I was hoping it would be a porno parody... I mean, it was THAT badly made. Anyway, the Flash stops running, out of breath. I don't know why he's out of breath, nor does it matter. You'd think the Flash interview scene that follows would explain it, but all it says is that Flash likes bowling. Good for him!

Cut to the JLA changing clothes in an alley... boy, that's sad. Flash reveals that he's been thrown out and no one will let him stay over their house... for some reason everyone but Flash shares one house. I'm guessing Flash is a sex offender or something. Anyway, later, Fire returns to her Fruit Audition, to find that it's over. Everyone left. There she meets Martin, a young fellow with the hots for her. He looks very familiar... but I can't figure out where he's from. Needless to say, Martin gets shot down. Fire leaves, forgetting her profile photo. We can assume Martin wanks the night away to it.

Ever seen a grown man naked, Barry?

Elsewhere, Green Lantern returns to the Real World-like house that him and the rest of the League (except Flash) live in. Green Lantern checks the phone, which is really a pay phone attached to the wall. I'm willing to wager that one of them stole a payphone. Atom is already home, and reveals that he let Flash stay there. To thank them, Flash makes them a meal of some sort... probably lunch. He eats his share, which is very large, since Flash has a fast metabolism, extremely fast, and hilarity ensues as Green Lantern and Atom watch as if this is the first time they met him. Next we have some drama as the Flash talks about how he promises he'll get a job.

Back to Tori. She runs into pansy glasses guy Arliss, who has been working after hours, and shares the name of a very shitty HBO sitcom. Arliss is up to no good, probably. Next we have Fire returning home. Green Lantern calls his girlfriend. He's been dumped. We then cut to Tori again, as she displays clumsyness in a lab full of machines that look like they were stolen off of the 60s "Batman" set. She finds a mysterious briefcase, drops a bottle of water in it, and gets sprayed with some blue gas. She touches a flask and it freezes. Shocked, she leaves, freezing the doorknob as she touches it. Fade out. This is where the commercials would be, if there were any. Once we return, there's more Tori hilarity as she leaves a trail of ice behind her, which causes a random roller blader to slip into a lake. He's not in any particular danger... he seems to be floating just fine. Tori walks into the water to "save" him, which causes the lake to freeze. The roller blader is obviously a stoner, since his only reaction is "Whoa!" Keanu Reeves has competition. I wouldn't be surprised if the line was "Cool!" That would make me vomit scorpions.

Green Lantern and Flash sure do appear together a lot... I wonder if they're gay.

Next we have JLA hilarity, as a very tiny Atom tries to fix their TV. "Hurry up, we're gonna miss 'Touched by an Angel!'" Flash says. Fire asks how they can help him out, which is followed by a spark from the TV. Atom tells them to unplug the goddamn TV, but not in those words. What kind of dumbass doesn't unplug a TV before cracking it open and playing with it? Cut to a repairman fixing it by sticking gum in it, just in time for the JLA to catch a news report of the frozen lake. Atom sees Tori in the background, walking off, and is enchanted by her.

Cut to Tori in bed, waking up. She is then gassed by one of those anaesthetic gas mask things. Dental work is then done on her. Immediately cut to a dark room where Tori is in a spinning chair talking to a mysterious voice that questions her about her being the Weather Man. She then talks to a cup, and it freezes. Suddenly lights flash over her, which somehow knock her out. I don't understand either. Suddenly the JLA walk up and discuss her, but nothing is said about groping her while she's asleep. The mysterious voice speaks some more. I'm not sure if the JLA pay attention to it or not. Cut to Tori in bed again. She's frozen in an awkward position, with her forearms sticking straight up. Cut to Tori in bed again, not frozen. Turns out that bizarre frozen Tori was just a dream... symbolic of her acting ability, no doubt. She says to herself, "No more pepperoni pizza before bed!" It's at this point that I attempt to puncture my eardrum.

On to the next day. Flash has a job now. He's the fastest mailman alive. He arrives back at the post office, where one of his colleagues chastises him for being late for work. Flash says that he was done with work already, to which his colleague says to his buddies "We gotta have a meeting." What the hell? What kind of meeting. "This Barry Allen guy, he's a hard worker... meeting adjourned." Or maybe it's some kind of crappy mail service conspiracy, like in "Seinfeld."

Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends accept a cartoon award.
Boy, the woman playing Firestar is fucking hideous.

We then head over to the Meteological Institute. Eno, concerned with Weatherman's shenanigans. It's obvious that this isn't the real Eno, since he has no idea who Arliss is when Tori mentions him. Also hinting at the possibility that he isn't the real Eno might be when his hand turns green and when he hides when he sees the real Dr. Eno.

Next we have Fire in an office, talking to her agent, a fellow who is wearing a suit that is too big for him. He stereotypically invites her to "do lunch," to which Fire replies ecstatically, "You'll do lunch with me?" which is probably thinly veiled sexual innuendo. By "lunch" he must mean "oral sex." Upon leaving the office, she runs into Martin again. Trivial dialogue ensues, revealing that Martin will do anything for her, no matter how dumb and/or ineffectual.

After that we jump over to Green Lantern and Cheryl. They're walking together, talking. Green Lantern walks by an ice cream vendor, grabbing two cones that he's holding out for no reason, and doesn't pay for them. I guess when you're a crappy superhero/soccer ball salesman (I think that's what he is... the movie mentioned it once or twice, but I found it not important enough to actually rewind the tape to hear) you can steal whatever you please. Corrupt bastard. In the middle of their dramatic dialogue exchange, there's another Weatherman broadcast, which appears on a giant mirror building... yep, a video image of Captain Tinfoil Surgical Mask just superimposed over a building like that. Suddenly it begins to hail, assuming your definition of hail is falling golfball-like objects that don't crack your head open. He runs off, and returns to his girlfriend seconds later in costume. She can't tell the difference. Besides the bright green costume, the only thing keeping her from noticing that he's the same damn person is a tiny mask thing. I'll argue to no end about how Lois Lane can't tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman, but this is just ridiculous. "At least there's one gentleman left," Cheryl says to Green Lantern. Gentleman? All he did was walk up to her. I guess she'll date (read: fuck) anyone that enters her range of vision. Anyway, after the obligatory "I wish I could meet a guy like you" dialogue, the rest of the Justice League arrives. Fire melts the hail and snow into rain, as explained by Flash talking to Atom in the background as it occurs. That is so bad it would make a "Superfriends" writer cringe. Maybe the writers assumed that people who watch CBS are the dumbest people alive. After the danger of chilliness is over, Green Lantern persuades Cheryl to give his secret identity another chance. How does he do it? One sentence and suddenly she decides that she's being too hard on him. Boy, she must be a salesman's dream. I think I could persuade her to pay for access to this website.

Fire melts golfballs into rain while ruining the shot by
looking at the camera.

Later, we have the JLA at home, where that strange voice is talking to them through the TV. It doesn't matter what he says. In fact, I believe the entire League might be insane asylum escapees who thought they were superheroes. Just like the Tick, but less funny.

Hello, gorgeous. Do the carpets match the curtains?
Cause I'm a discount carpet salesman...

To further investigate Weather Man, the JLA heads over to the Eno Meteological Institute, where some party is being held. They sneak into the party by either running really fast, stealing invitations, shrinking and hiding in Fire's purse, or offering sex to the bouncers. We're given more drama as Eno and Tori talk about something and Eno offers to promote her for some reason. I forgot what, but it doesn't matter. As she leaves, she accidentally freezes some glasses of champagne, causing Eno to realize that Tori is more than she seems...

Meanwhile, Flash, wearing a hideous bright red suit, reminding me of how each Power Ranger's civilian clothing was color coordinated to their Power Ranger identity in "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers," is talking to a waiter, saying that he's an "Archeopologist," whatever the hell that is. Then he asks the waiter if there's an opening for a waitering job for him. You reminded me of Power Rangers, Flash. You don't deserve a job.

The JLA. Left to right: Malnourished Superman, Unrecognizable black thing,
Robin Crossdressing as Batgirl, Midget in stolen Flash costume, Fat Aquaman.

Tori, after leaving Eno, runs into Atom, wearing a red bowtie. You won't be getting a girl that way, son. After some romantic interest is built, Green Lantern arrives and spoils it. As they walk away we have more hilarity:

ATOM: She's More than just a pretty girl, Guy.
GREEN LANTERN (GUY GARDNER): Guy?
ATOM: "Girl, Guy. Girl."

Yes, that was actual dialogue.
After Green Lantern and Atom split up, Green Lantern runs into Cheryl, who, if you don't remember, is his now ex-girlfriend.
Meanwhile, Atom finds a room with a computer, blocked off by red laser trip wire. Atom shrinks, goes under it. He then goes back out and limbos under it, causing limbo music to play. Jesus Christ...
While Atom is fooling around like a complete idiot, Green Lantern runs into Cheryl once again... but this time she's with her date. Fire walks up and pretends to be Green Lantern's date. How sweet...

We then see Arliss and Dr. Eno talking. Once again, Eno is yelling at him, cause that's what bosses do. After saying something other than what Arliss is doing is a priority and walking off, Arliss says under his breath, "I'll give you a priority." Ooh... If it was me, I woulda said "Your mother's a priority!" I guess he's going to kill him now.

Back to Tori, snooping around the building. She walks in on Atom hacking into the computer... at least he wasn't wanking. Like an complete fucking idiot, she walks through the laser trip wire, alerting security. Atom shrinks and hides when they arrive.

Kim Oja watches the movie in utter horror.

Cut to Flash, now in costume. He watches Arliss lug a giant box into his car and drive off. Flash follows him to someone's house. It might be Eno's, not that it matters. Anyway, Flash catches him.
Here's some more dialogue:

FLASH: Not so fast, Weather Man!"
ARLISS: What are you talking about?
FLASH: I'm talking about this!
(He opens the box and picks up some device)
...what's this?

Yep, the Flash is a complete and utter moron. The device is unrelated to Weather Man's reign of terror. Yes, that hilarious pun was on purpose... very appropriate, I think.


We resume Tori's snooping. She finds that that bizarre smoke filled briefcase that gave her her powers is gone! Then she sees a monitor with Weather Man doing his usual Extreme Championship Wrestling-like inappropriate face close-up as he rants. Tori goes into another room and ends up walking in on Eno with a camera in front of him as he's doing a Weatherman broadcast. Oddly enough, he isn't wearing his "mask" while the monitor shows him wearing it. Tori runs away. What is it with her and walking in on people at embarrassing moments?

The JLA in widescreen. By widescreen, I mean very large image that will take forever to load, which will most likely annoy the crap out of you.

Later, at the JLA house, Tori visits. She must be a crazy stalker if she actually looked up Atom to find out where he lives. Anyway, she informs him of Weather Man's identity, as if he can do anything about it. All she knows is that he's a high school science teacher.

Then we resume the insipid subplot with Fire and her stalker, Martin, who looks very familiar. About to go on a picnic date with Fire, Martin starts off by giving her tickets for a sold out stage show and GOLD FRICKIN' EARRINGS. Fire's JLA alert! sounds and Fire has to leave.

I really don't remember what happens next, nor do I care. All my notes say is "Saved something, Tori arrives." So I'm assuming they do some more half-witted superheroing, then Tori arrives. They blindfold her and take it to their secret underwater base, which is really just a spaceship that crashed and sank into the ocean. We're shown the exterior of the base by very cheap CGI... though that goes without saying that the CGI in here is very cheap. It's at this point that I realize the movie can end now as far as I'm concerned. I don't care anymore.

Left: J'onn J'onzz. Right: John Goodman
and Michael Jackson's Baby.

Once she is unblindfolded, Tori sees Dr. Eno infront of her and freaks out. Eno then transforms into a bald green fellow. This is J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter. He is played by David Ogden Stiers (not that you can tell... he's covered in cheap makeup), who played Charles Emerson Winchester III in TV's "M*A*S*H," and, coincidentally, played Solivar, a giant talking monkey, on the current "Justice League" animated series. If you haven't guessed already, he's the mysterious voice that keeps talking to the JLA through their TV. Now, a note on the pronunciation of his name: It's pronounced John Jones, with more of a "zh" instead of a J. Winchester, pronouncing it wrong, greets Tori with "I am John Jones, leader of the Justice League," making it sound completely silly that an alien has the name John Jones. I, of course, laughed. Upon asking Tori if she's met an alien, she replies "I met Leonard Nimoy once." Sorry to burst your bubble, hon, but Leonard Nimoy is an actor, not an alien. It's around this point that the movie makes a big mistake: showing Martian Manhunter sideways. He has a large protruding gut. Even that crappy Steven Segal flick Half Past Dead attempted to conceal his fat ass with big trench coats and baggy clothing, and a doo-rag to conceal his balding head (slander is fun, isn't it?). This movie attempts something similar by having his cape cover most of J'onn's body, probably more to conceal the lack of makeup on the rest of the body because they couldn't afford anymore green paint. To gain Tori's trust, Atom reveals his identity to her. Probably because there's only one costume and pulling the cowl over his head would tear it, you have Atom pulling up his mask a bit, with a cut to Tori looking shocked, then a cut back to Atom without a mask. I think Tori was shocked at his stupid-looking hair.

Top left: Charles Emerson Winchester III.
Bottom right: David Ogden Stiers.
Who is the real Darth Vader?

We then cut to an interview scene with Atom and Tori talking... I think they might be ad-libbed, because they're horrendous. If you didn't want to hit them before, you'll want to hit them now.

Back to Martin, psycho stalker of Fire. He's buying ice cream from an ice cream truck, marking the second appearance of an ice cream man in the history of this site. Martin says to the ice cream man, "Vanilla shake, make it a double." The ice cream man, a poor man's bartender, says to Martin "Lemme guess... girl trouble?" I laughed. Is this supposed to be a kid's show? Cause Martin is old enough to drink, and the presence of a TV to show Martin that Fire (in costume) is wearing the earrings that Martin gave her secret identity would have made more sense if it was in a bar. Anyway, Martin runs away in excitement.

You know when Atom's costume is onscreen? That means
you've done something horrible, and you're being punished for it.
Notice that J'onn J'onzz appears behind Atom's head a lot...

Meanwhile, Atom and Tori talk. Atom reveals his very lame origin: while doing his college dissertation in the desert, he finds a rock. It makes him shrink. In the comics he touches a piece of white dwarf star. No, that doesn't make sense either, but suspension of disbelieve comes into effect there, because it's not incredibly lame like finding a rock. He then blatantly lies to Tori by saying "I've saved hundreds of lives." Just look at him. He's lucky if it's dozens of lives.

Later, at home, while testing her powers, she freezes her dog Winston's dog bowl. Such hilarity! Then she becomes a burden on the JLA by testing her powers there, making the place very cold, much to the discomfort of everyone but J'onn and Ice, even though Mars is very hot and it being very cold. J'onn should be dead. Anyway, we're then treated to another Weather Man broadcast, which worries the JLA. Christ! His name is the Weather Man! He wears sunglasses and a surgical mask! The Atom alone could find him and kick his ass.

Of course, we need to resume the Fire/Martin subplot. As Martin reveals that he knows her identity, the JLA listen in it, those goddamn eavesdroppers. To fool Martin, J'onn turns into Fire (in costume) and approaches them, threatening him. J'onn decides to follow through with Fire's lie that she let "her" borrow the gold earrings. That's real nice. A poor sap that's in love with you gives you gold earrings and you let a friend borrow them. What's really ludicrous about this scene is that THEY BOTH LOOK THE SAME. The only difference is an atrocious green costume with green splotches of paint on her cheeks. I guess non-superpeople are required to be incredibly stupid. Anyway, Martin gets the gold earrings back and leaves, heartbroken. J'onn ruins the moment by asking Fire, "Doesn't this thing chafe your thighs?" in reference to her costume. Hilarity abounds. I could hardly contain myself.

"Now bend over, close your eyes, and think of Christmas!"

Dr. Eno then visits Tori. More dramatic dialogue exchange ensues in which Eno offers her a partnership. She blasts him with her ice powers and steals his briefcase. She brings it to the JLA. The briefcase turns out to be a tracking device. Weather Man, now knowing where they are, has a laser hit the base. Now, I'm no Meteorologist, but I don't think "laser" is not a weather anomaly of any kind. Anyway, sparks fly all over the place as the headquarters heats up. The elevator is broken, but Atom fixes the keypad with a piece of gum. Boy, that was a dumb plot point. Anyway, they all leave the headquarters, except J'onn who says "Don't worry about me. Where I come from, 300 degrees is a beach day!" Yeah, fuck you.

Green Lantern and Dr. Eno stare at something off screen... the director
giving them directions in the middle of the scene.

Once they exit the base, they abandon Tori to save the day. As Weather Man makes a giant tidal wave, Flash saves some kids whose counselor ran away, weeping and soiling himself. Green Lantern catches up to Eno and threatens him with a ring-created chainsaw. Eno, knowing that superpeople are soft little girls that wouldn't hurt flies, even if they were armed with bazookas, destroys his weather-controlling remote control. "I can't stop the wave," Green Lantern woodenly says, speaking into his shoulder, pretending that there's a communicator there. Tori then ends up being the one who saves the entire city... how sad is that? She just freezes the tidal wave just as it was about to crash down and reduce her to red sludge. I think that outcome would have been far, far better.

We're in danger! hold still while I fondle you!

But their work isn't done just yet. There's still the matter of capturing Dr. Eno, a.k.a. the Weather Man. As he runs away, Green Lantern captures him with a coil thing. "Darn weathermen, they ain't right!" he says, commenting on how weathermen are never right. He's said something trite, now everyone should laugh and we should fade out, cue the credits. Nope, that doesn't happen here. We need a denouement. Christ, the movie's awful anyway... do we have to follow the precious three-act structure?

Dr. Eno craps himself. On purpose.

Anyway, we're back at Tori's house. She hears a knock at her door and will not open it for the visitors. Suddenly there are some more bad special effects and atom crawls under the door (yep, there's a gap big enough for Atom to go under and still be visible. Anyway, he breaks into her house (some superhero!) and lets the rest of the League in. They invite her to join the JLA, offering her a costume Fire designed (poor actor and bad clothing designer... her talent is limitless). Fire tell Tori that, being the only woman on the team, she needs a sister. What she means is that, after the debacle with Martin, she's tired of men and now only another woman can satisfy her desires. Green Lantern creates a projection of J'onn's head, which probably welcomes Tori into the JLA. Flash reveals that he's now a kids' counselor... good for him. Tori asks Atom what would happen if she declined membership, now that she knows their secret identities, causing him to reply with "Don't ask," meaning that they'd probably kill her ritualistically.

Green Lantern playing a game of Grab-Ass.

Later, Tori is inducted into the JLA under the codename "Ice." She does some kind of oath with her hand up, like a frickin Boy Scout. What follows next is another interview scene with Tori. Her interview continues as a voiceover over a shot of the whole JLA sans J'onn, who is probably afraid of sunlight, walking to the camera, just like at the end of Joel Schumacher's craptacular Batman movies. After Tori finishes her stupid interview, cue the credits over the last frame of the JLA walking.

Has your brain shut down yet? It will.
I just realized they all have the same foot forward... that's bizarre.

Boy, I'm glad that's over. I'm glad that was not even aired on American TV, much less turned into a TV series. It would have been embarrassing. The movie doesn't go to waste, though. It is aired in foreign countries quite a bit. In my internet research I saw that it is aired in HBO India. I'm sorry, India.

The final frame of the movie. Thank Gob it's over.

REAL MOVIE GRADE:
CRAP MOVIE GRADE:

So bad, you'll wish that you were Jamie Farr.

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