Spoooooky Haaaalooooweeeen Extraaaavaaaaagaaaanzaaaa

I spent all of Halloween either walking to Blockbuster to rent videos or watching horror flicks to celebrate, as I am banned from Trick-Or-Treating after being arrested for indecent exposure. I was making a political statement, dammit.

I still wore a costume, though. Here it is:

That's right, I'm coming out of the closet.

Anyway, here are the reviews, in the order I watched them, donning an eyepatch and a "JESUS" nametag.

1. THE SHINING

Jack Nicholson goes on a killing spree. Surprisingly, it wasn't a documentary.

Found at: Blockbuster

Year: 1980

Director: Stanley Kubrick

Screenplay: Stanley Kubrick and Diane Johnson, from the Stephen King novel

Starring: Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, Danny Lloyd, Scatman Crothers

Availability: Yes, VHS and DVD.

IMDB Fun Fact!: "During the making of the movie, Kubrick would call King at 3am and ask him questions like "Do you believe in God?""

The Good: Jack Nicholson. He really shines (shit, a pun...) in roles where he plays himself.

The Bad: Takes a while to get where it's going.

The Ugly: Shelley Duvall. She manages to outdo the British in oral hygene (or lack thereof)...

Gore Factor: A decent amount.

Sex Factor: Some bits of nudity.

Memorable Scene: A tidal wave of blood pouring out of an elevator at the end of a hallway.

What idiots will think: "That's not a horror movie!"

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): This is the best Stephen King movie ever, which, unfortunately, doesn't say much. What are you doing reading my crappy website? Go watch it.

Grade: 1/2

2. RETURN OF THE FLY

Uh... the Fly Returns.

Found at: Big Lots

Year: 1959

Director: Edward Bernds

Screenplay: Edward Bernds, from the George Langelaan novel

Starring: Vincent Price, Brett Halsey

Availability: VHS and DVD

IMDB Fun Fact!: "The script was written specifically to use the standing sets from Fly, The (1958)."

The Good: Vincent Price. He just might be the greatest actor that ever lived.

The Bad: Not nearly enough of the Fly.

The Ugly: The fly's giant fiberglass head. Does it have a vagina for a mouth?

Gore Factor: You like stepping on rodents? This movie is for you.

Sex Factor: Vincent Price's left nipple. Hott!

Memorable Scene: The soon-to-be Fly's partner puts a cop and a gerbil in the Disintegrator-Integrator (read: Teleporter thingie) at them same time with bizarre results.

What idiots will think: "This movie needs color."

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): This was an enjoyable sequel to a movie I've never seen. RETURN OF THE FLY follows the son of the scientist in the original movie as he tries to work on his father's teleportation device, only to suffer the same fate as his father due to a double-cross. Running at a scant 78 minutes, I'm surprised I even remembered that I saw this movie when I sat down to type up this article. That's not to slam the quality of the movie, though. If you're looking for another fix of The Fly but hate Eric Stoltz, this is the movie for you.

Grade: 1/2


3. NOSFERATU: PHANTOM DER NACHT
(English Version: NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE)

Best. Vampire Movie. Ever.

Found at: Big Lots

Year: 1979

Director: Werner Herzog

Screenplay: Werner Herzog, from the Bram Stoker Novel

Starring: Klaus Kinski, Isabelle Adjani, Bruno Ganz

Availability: Yes. VHS and DVD. Beware, there's a German version and an English-language version.

IMDB Fun Fact!: "The scene where Nosferatu arrives in the city required thousands of grey rats. Real grey rats were unavailable and therefore white ones were painted grey and used instead."

The Good: Everything.

The Bad: The English version. It includes numerous groin-grabbingly long shots of things like a sun setting and a ship going into harbor that either don't exist in the German version or aren't 4 hours long in it.

The Ugly: Klaus Kinski as Dracula. There's a face only Liza Minelli could love.

Gore Factor: None.

Sex Factor: None.

Memorable Scene: Shots of the town after Dracula comes. Hilarious and distubing at the same time.

What idiots will think: "Boring."

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): I rented the English version a couple years ago, and found myself incredibly bored (see above). Yet I see a limited edition two-pack containing both the English and German versions at Big Lots, and just had to buy it, despite disliking it so much. Now that I've seen both versions, I'm glad I did. This is truly a great movie (At least the German version. I'd have to see the English again.). A remake of the 1922 silent film of a similar name (NOSFERATU: A SYMPHONY OF TERROR), NOSFERATU is a retelling of Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula. I won't insult your intelligence by telling you who Dracula is.

Grade:

4. THE SIXTH SENSE

Haley Joel Osment sees things that
aren't there, like Bruce Willis with hair.
Yes, I just ripped off a Billy Crystal gag.

Found at: Borrowed from my friend Chris

Year: 1999

Director: M. Night Shylaman

Screenplay: M. Night Shylaman

Starring: Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, Toni Collette

Availability: VHS and DVD. Not hard to find.

IMDB Fun Fact!: "This is the second movie with Bruce Willis in a leading role where one of the main characters is named "Cole", whom nobody believes and is considered to be insane or unusual. The other was Twelve Monkeys - in which Cole says, "All I see arre dead people". Also, both movies have a number in the title, and both take place in Philadelphia."

The Good: The whole movie.

The Bad: Shylaman's acting ability. Nice try, Hitcock Jr.

The Ugly: Donnie Wahlberg. This guy was a New Kid on the Block?!

Gore Factor: Only in the form of corpses walking around.

Sex Factor: None.

Memorable Scene: Cole reveals his secret to Malcolm.

What idiots will think: It was a huge hit, so I guess we already know.

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion):

Grade:


5. THE EXORCIST

Preists teach a possesed girl to exercise.
Lets get physical! Physical!

Found at: Blockbuster

Year: 1973

Director: William Friedkin

Screenplay: William Peter Blatty, from the William Peter Blatty novel

Starring: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn ,Max von Sydow, Jason Miller

Availability: VHS and DVD

IMDB Fun Fact!: "The crew was the only American film crew ever allowed to film in Iraq. They were allowed to film on conditions that included teaching Iraqi filmmakers advanced film techniques as well as how to make fake blood."

The Good: Linda Blair's performance is downright creepy.

The Bad: Could easily have been played for laughs, a la DR. STRANGELOVE

The Ugly: Christian Evangelist/Closet Homosexual (you know he is...) Billy "I'm a walking retard" Graham has proclaimed that a demon actually lived inside the film prints for this movie.

Gore Factor: Blood and pea soup.

Sex Factor: Not really.

Memorable Scene: Reagan (the possessed little girl) violently masturbates with a silver crucifix.

What idiots will think: "That movie sucked."

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion):
For some reason, I didn't find myself riveted by this movie. It didn't scare the crap out of me like it was supposed to. It was a good movie, that's for sure, but didn't do its job for me. I guess I have no soul.

Grade:


6. DEAD ALIVE (a.k.a. BRAIN DEAD)

Zombies in New Zealand. Yes, I know it's redundant.

Found at: Blockbuster, at my friend Cobb's reccomendation

Year: 1992

Director: Peter Fucking Jackson

Screenplay: Stephen Sinclair, Frances Walsh, & Peter Jackson

Starring: Timothy Balme, Diana Peñalver

Availability: VHS and DVD, but make sure you get the uncut Unrated Edition. I didn't...

IMDB Fun Fact!: "The rental in Sweden (and probably other countries as well) came with supplemental vomitbags."

The Good: It's splattering fun!

The Bad: The R-Rated edition. Dammit.

The Ugly: The monster at the climax. Nice boobies.

Gore Factor: To say that it is the goriest movie you'll ever see in your life would be an understatement.

Sex Factor: None.

Memorable Scene: Lionel, the main character, beats the shit out of a zombie baby in the middle of a park, infront of numerous parents and children.

What idiots will think: In all honesty, I have no idea.

Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): This is a fun flick. Any movie that features zombies having sex and giving birth a nutty zombie baby has to have something special going on. Keep in mind that this is the same guy who directed Lord of the Rings, the most expensive low-budget film ever. Wow.

Grade: 1/2 (the R-rated version, mind you.)


7. EVIL DEAD II

Quite possibly the greatest movie ever made.
Found at: Half.com
Year: 1987
Director: Sam Raimi
Screenplay: Sam Raimi and Scott Spiegel
Starring: Bruce Campbell
Availability: VHS and DVD. Buy it now.
IMDB Fun Fact!: "The recap of the previous film includes a shot where the "evil force" runs through the cabin and rams into Ash. When this shot was filmed, Bruce Campbell suffered a broken jaw when Sam Raimi (who was operating the camera) crashed into him with a bicycle. Or so people were led to believe. This was a story concocted by Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell as a gag to see how many people would believe it actually happened."
The Good: Everything. Seriously.
The Bad: Lots of revealing mistakes, even more than the first one, surprisingly.
The Ugly: Ted Raimi in the giant rubber Henrietta costume.
Gore Factor: Lots.
Sex Factor: None. Sorry, no Tree Rape scene this time.
Memorable Scene: Ash cuts off his own hand with a chainsaw.
What idiots will think: "It's stupid."
Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): Have I mentioned that this is the greatest movie ever? Because it is. It's funny, energetic, and features great special effects. Bruce Campbell is at his best when he plays Ash and recieves much physical abuse by doing his own stunts, most of which involve Sam Raimi hitting him with something from off-screen. Great stuff.
Grade:



8. ZOMBI 3

Utter fucking torture.
Found at: Blockbuster, the landfill
Year: 1988
Director: Lucio Fulci directed 15 minutes of the movie before the producers hired Bruno Mattei (a former housepainter!?) to take over.
Screenplay: Claudio Fragasso. He wrote TROLL 2, #9 on IMDB's bottom 100 movies. I bet that movie is better than this one.
Starring: A bunch of vacuous excuses for human beings.
Availability: VHS and DVD. Why would you want to know that, though?
IMDB Fun Fact!: "Originally filmed in ArriVision 3-D and completed in 1984. The film was never shown in 3-D outside of Italy." Trust me, not even 3D strippers could save this movie.
The Good: Lots of gore.
The Bad: This movie exists.
The Ugly: One of your main male characters is named Kenny, and the other Roger. Ouch.
Gore Factor: Very much. Not that you'll care.
Sex Factor: Not really.
Memorable Scene: One of our cannon fodder characters attends to a pregnant woman she finds only to be attacked by a zombie from behind and a zombie fetus popping out of the pregnant woman's womb. No, I wasn't surprised by that at all.
What idiots will think: What I tell them to think.
Disco's Opinion (A different idiot's opinion): This movie made me hate Italians all over again. The Zombi series started as an Italian sequel to the brilliant DAWN OF THE DEAD (the exact opposite of Zombi 3), which was retitled ZOMBI and retooled by legendary director Dario Argento in Italy. The bad part is, someone missed the point of that movie. The social commentary was as equally important as the gore and mayhem. Here, the gore takes precedence, while the commentary is supplied by some idiot radio DJ from time to time, and the plot is just cast aside after the first 15 minutes of the movie. I have never felt so repulsed by a movie in my entire life. Your characters are practically nameless and exist only to die and the gore, albeit plentiful, is neither entertaining or gross... just gratuitous. Needless to say, my marathon ended on a sour note. I wish I wasn't so sleep deprived. Otherwise I would have ended with Dario Argento's PHENOMENA (not the Travolta flick... this one has Jennifer Connelly), which would come off as even better than it already is after ZOMBI 3.
Grade: None. Oh my Christ.

Now, so your enjoyment of my review (yeah, right...) doesn't end on a down note, here's a foreign EVIL DEAD 2 poster (click on it to return to the homepage).