FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY

Get used to this pose... it's in ALL the stills.

Stats
FOUND AT: HBO
PRICE: Free
DIRECTOR: Robert Iscove (dude, "The Flash"
SCREENPLAY: Kim Fuller (dude, SPICE WORLD)
STARRING: Justin Guadalupeini, the adorable (or should I say... adorkable?) Kelly Clarkson
RATING: PG... lame.
YEAR: 2003
AVAILABILITY: Video and DVD, unfortunately.
IMDB FUN FACT!: It's #5 on IMDb's bottom 100 films
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(from IMDb)
"rockprincess173
Atl, Ga

Date: 20 September 2003
Summary: *loved it*

I LOVED "from J2K". i saw it and automatically fell in love with justin guarini. i admit that the other actors aside from justin and kelly weren't exactly great, (alexa was ANNOYIN!) but j and k rocked the screen with their amazing voices. i loved the music and the dancing, tho the acting wasnt amazing. i hated how they made kelly wear all those big pants. shes an average sized girl! not a stick! geez! it's a shame there's no soundtrack..i signed the petition and you should too! ~*~Rinn~*~ "

Justin... it's your baby.

Wednesday, I decided to watch From Justin to Kelly for free on HBO, because it was on and free and I knew I would enjoy it in some sick and twisted way. Surprisingly, I managed to keep my pants on.


Gay. The only adjective to effectively describe this still.

The movie starts with the adorable (or should I say.. "adorkable?") Kelly Clarkson singing at the trashiest stereotypical country western Texas bar ever put on film. There's only one other guy in the entire bar... the unrequieted love that the adorable (or should I say.. "adorkable?") Kelly Clarkson supposedly turns down on a daily basis. She may be a good singer (not my opinion, for I don't really care), but she's a terrible actor, which was hilarious at first. She makes Quentin Tarantino look like Samuel L. Jackson (where the fuck is his Oscar®?!). Seriously.


Three kinds of people I hate: Texans, shallow
blondes, and non-black guys with afros. Actually make that four:
guys in sleeveless shirts who point at themselves.

Anyway, suddenly her two best friends enter the bar, prepared for a drunken grope fest, I assume. Best friend #1: the black one. She's loyal, dependable(Redundant? You bet your ass.) friend and has a less annoying accent than the adorable (or should I say.. "adorkable?") Kelly Clarkson. Then there's best friend #2: the insatiable slutwhore blonde who has the most annoying voice ever. She reminds me of Paris Hilton, which should give you an impression of how evil the character is supposed to be. Anyway, they persuade her to go to South Florida (that's MY HOUSE!) with them for Spring Break. Probably because they're parasitic whores.


Kelly's friends.
That's right, they're lipsynching.

So they go down to South Florda, specifically Miami (there's a sign for Ft Lauderdale Beach shown in the movie, which only serves to confuse). As someone who lives vaguely near Ft Lauderdale, I personally apologize for this movie. You might be asking yourself "Who else would be partying during Spring Break in Florida?" Justin Guaraghaejhrasubini, that's who (well, he's actually got some kind of woman-objectifying business to exploit during Spring Break, but it involves partying. Close enough.). And he's brought two friends. Here's the twist... they don't hook up with the adorable (or should I say... "adorkable?") Kelly Clarkson's friends. Justin's Friend #1 is a player. He wants to make money and have sex with everybody. Unfortunately, he's cursed with the horrible running gag of being ticketed by a female beach cop throughout the movie until he hooks up, impregnates her, and leaves her with an ugly baby (I'm predicting the outcome, here.). Friend #2 the dorky one, looking for some chick he met on the internet who happened to be interested in him. His running gag involves constantly missing her by like THAT much. Not that we care. The movie simply won't let us.


Justin 'n' pals, watching sexy men on the beach.

Ok, I'm not going to go through the movie frame by frame as usual. Let's just say this. Most of the plot is concerned with Slutty friend misleading both Justin and Kelly in order to prove she's not a shallow whore. I'm not sure how decieving your best friend and her true love is going to prove this, but she does it anyway. She gets no sympathy. Meanwhile, less dislikable friend meets a busboy named Carlos. Ah, racism in modern cinema. Anyway, she gets him fired. He's mad at her. Then they hook up again at the end. It's adorable (or should I say... "adorkable?")...


Unfortunately, this doesn't turn into a knife fight.

You know what I forgot to mention? That this monstrosity is a musical. For real. It's not a very good musical. Usually when someone breaks into song, they do it immediately as the lyrics start, not a few lines into it. It's just lazy, for one thing. For another thing, it gives the impression that they're just singing along with background music, which is retarded. That's right. I said retarded. I'm dedicating this review to Lindsay Lohan for her fearlessness in using the word "retarded" in interviews, offending every mentally deficient person-lover in the country, but not her apology for use of the word. In fact, I'll put a dedication at the bottom of the review when I'm done. Just you watch me.


One last look at the adorable (or should I say... adorkable?) pair.

The biggest problem with the movie is that it just doesn't try. It gives us a story that we can predict without watching the movie. It doesn't attempt to make us laugh or do anything different. Even the music was throwaway. The only time it was ever clever was when the adorable (or should I say... "ADORKABLE?") Kelly Clarkson's Texas unrequited love pops in and challenges Justin to some utterly retarded (there's that word again) competition that involves two small color-coded hover crafts, two color-coded volleyballs, and two color-coded baskets. In all honesty, it's something I could have written better. And for once, I mean it this time. I could have written this crap, and it would have been a lot better. That's why I've taken it upon myself to write the sequel, "From Ruben to Clay." Ruben, prepare for a lot of interracial homoeroticism!


From the cut orgy sequence.

REAL MOVIE GRADE: 1/2
CRAP MOVIE GRADE:

So bad, you'd prefer to listen to Simon Cowell make fun of ANOTHER person who can't sing. You invited them to try out, you douchebag.

This review is dedicated to LINDSAY LOHAN
Thanks for teaching us to dream again!

(click on sexy Miss Lohan to go back)