EVE of Destruction

Doesn't she look like Geena Davis on the box?
I was immensely dissapointed.

Stats
FOUND AT: Big Lots.
PRICE: $3.99 US
DIRECTOR: Duncan Gibbins
SCREENPLAY: Duncan Gibbins Yale Udoff
STARRING: Gregory Hines, Renee Soutenduk,
YEAR: 1991
RATING: R for robot nudity and Hines' dirty mouth.
AVAILABILITY: VHS, DVD, and CD soundtrack, you masochistic bastards.
IMDB FUN FACT!:
Gregory Hines still manages to have a career of sorts after this.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
(From Amazon.com)

" EXCELLENT FLICK, December 26, 1999

Great movie. Very underrated. The scene with the policemen in their yellow rain slickers gives me a big woodie! --This text refers to the VHS Tape edition. "

I really wish I didn't pay money for this. That $3.99 (at least I bought it at Big Lots) would have been much better spent on comics or going toward college... most likely comics. To hell with college. Anyways, Eve of Destruction was directed by Duncan Gibbins (whose life was cut short after directing 3 movies and writing 3 screenplays, two of each for the same movies), and starred Gregory Hines, of "The Gregory Hines Show," where he played Ben Stevenson, and Renee Soutenduk, most recently of the TV series "Meiden van de Wit." Here's your first indication that this movie will suck... Gregory Hines as an action hero. Once you realize the title is a hilarious pun, you have a second indication, at least for serious films.

The movie starts abuptly, as if you were flipping channels before deciding to stop on this particular movie. We're welcomed by a guy in a business suit combing his hair, possibly in preparation for a hot date or a business meeting. Either way, he's probably hoping the night will end in oral sex. We then find out (and not by his acting, surprisingly enough) that this man is a robot: an artificial human replica robot thing.

Then we cut to a female scientist watching video of more scientists dressing a female robot who looks exactly like Dr. Voyeur. The robot's wooden dialogue led me to believe that Dr. Voyeur might be watching a porno flick. Either way, those scientists were probably enjoying dressing the robot way too much. What follows is the opening credits... mere words on footage of a train going through a subway. Nothing too spectacular. After that, there's a scene in a subway in which a guy who looks suspiciously like Richard (Mikey T. Weiss, of "The Pretender") from Howling 4: The Original Nightmare talking to the robot woman. Whatever they said isn't worth remembering, nor does it have any revelance to the rest of the movie. Meanwhile, some guy who may or may not be a government agent (the movie doesn't bother to inform us of such things) watches closely...

We then follow the robo-woman to a bank. We have no idea why she's there, nor is it important. In a very cliche fashion, bank robbers come, shoot the government agent stalker (so much for that loose end), and then blow a few holes in robo-woman. She then proceeds, as if you didn't see this coming, to beat the crap out of the robbers. She then takes a bag the robbers dropped, leading me to wonder if it was staged or not. But, not surprisingly, the movie doesn't make that clear. Notice a trend here?

It didn't happen like this, but it looks a lot cooler.

Now we change locales as some soldiers (we don't find out until much later in the movie that they're Marines) shoot up some terrorists as Mexican trumpet music plays. After turning the poor terrorists into swiss cheese, the Marines free the hostages. One of them turns out to be Gregory Hines and shoots all the soldiers, who, strangely enough, don't even attempt shooting back. It's revealed that this was just training, and the trainees really screwed up, so Gregory Hines yells at them until a Helicopter interrupts him and one of the men inside tells him he's needed. So he leaves, without a word to his Marine students.

Meanwhile, at the female scientist's house, the scientist is talking to her son. This riveting and absolutely normal conversation consists of the son pointing at various parts of an anatomy book and naming whatever he's pointing at.
"This is a man, this is a woman, this is a vagina."
"A what?"
"Mom, there's nothing to be embarrased about."
No, I did not make that up. That was the actual dialogue. The scientist says that he must have learned it from his father (we later see the father and he doesn't look like the type that even knows what a vagina is). This awkward and almost embarrasing conversation ends with:
"You know what those are?"
"What?"
"BALLS!"
Thankfully the scientist's maid interrupts to tell her she has a phone call. She finds out she has to leave. After kissing her son goodbye, she leaves him with these profound words of wisdom: "They're called testicles." She's a government worker, so she can afford the therapist's bills she'll have to pay 10 years from now.

The doctor's son, both during child hood and during
adulthood.

We now follow Hines to some government building, where he learns of PROJECT ROB, a project to create robots that can pass off as humans. They don't give a reason, but it's not that important. The footage we're shown of a primitive robot that looks like Kryten from "Red Dwarf" would have made a more interesting movie than this one, I think. We're then formally introduced to EVE VII (or is it EVE VIII?), the female ass-kicking robot from earlier, the newest and most human-like robot yet. The movie then cuts to a scene of EVE walking past a sign that says "Guns: Whollsale" [sic], then back to Hines and the government guys he's talking to. Because it's not incredibly obvious, we learn that the shotgun blast from the bank robber caused EVE to malfunction and go AWOL, assuming robots are required to receive permission to leave. One of the government guys debriefing Hines is played by Karl Fuller, who the unfortunate will recognize as Karl, the President's assistant from the flat "That's My Bush," and the less unfortunate might remember him as Dean Widehead from the amusing Comedy Central TV movie Porn N' Chicken. But this time, he's got a full head of hair (a toupee, I bet)!

Meanwhile, EVE checks out clothing at a clothing store with childlike wonder. At this point I expected a cliche "character(s) trying on clothing" montage, and thankfully, it did not happen. Then we're treated to Hines (who at this point I find out that his name is McQuade... ok, just his last name) meeting Dr. Eve, the female scientist who just gave her son an Oedipus complex a couple scenes back. Dr. Eve asks Hines what his specialty is, to which Hines replies "A spinach lasagna in a light tomato and basil sauce." Hardy har! Meanwhile, we jump over to an unknown location (a motel?) where a TV news report informs us that EVE killed people in the clothing store and took some merchandise (an act that would have been impossible to film, considering that the film's budget hindered the hiring of a few more actors) as EVE cleans the shotgun wound on her stomach topless. Enjoy it while you can, that's the only boobies you'll see in this movie. They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Gregory Hines clog dances as he plays the
triangle and thinks about lasagna.

We then jump back to Dr. Eve and Hines as the discuss how to kill EVE: go for the eyes. Y'know, on the video box, EVE looked a hell of a lot like Geena Davis... I'm disappointed. I have a feeling this movie might end up in a "which is the real Dr. Eve?" standoff as Hines has a gun pointed at both of them. I find this unlikely, since they're both wearing different-looking clothing. Then again, Hines isn't too bright. In fact, he must be quite forgetful, considering he ends up repeating the same joke over and over throughout the movie. There's a difference between being repetitive and a running gag, you fucking moron. In addition to having memory worse than a goldfish, Hines, as usual, looks like he's severely sleep deprived.

EVE then arrives at a motel bar, which, shockingly, is full of drunken hicks. One of these drunken hicks approach EVE, causing us to expect her to kick his ass, as is the cliche. Instead, she invites him to get a room. Meanwhile (jeez, I'm overusing that), Hines and Dr. Eve talk in a helicopter. Hines reveals her whole backstory to her for some reason, while we never learn his. Maybe he forgot. It is then revealed that Hines hates machines (ooh! what a revelation!), and expresses his shock that the government secretly spent all the taxpayers' money to make something that "doesn't even have a fucking off switch." Get used to that mildly amusing line, it'll come back to haunt you. We then return to EVE and her unattractive, drunken hick suitor, as we're almost treated to a sex scene, but instead, after calling her a bitch (big friggin mistake when you want sex and have a woman near the last place you want someone to wound), she bites his winky off and beats up his drunken hick friends. One of the friends runs into the cops outside, who put him into a cop car for some reason. EVE then comes outside and shoots the cops with an Uzi and drives off.

Once again, a picture that's better than the scene it's representing. If this is too violent for
you, be glad I forgot to draw a picture of EVE biting off Drunken Hick #2's winky.

Dr. Eve and Hines, the Abbot and Costello of 1991, arrive at the crime scene to investigate. Dr. Eve reveals that going into the motel bar, which she had never been to before and having sex with a random bearded stranger was a fantasy of hers when she was a teen, revealing that somehow Dr. Eve and EVE think alike. So EVE is acting out Dr. Eve's fantasies for her. Vicariously experiencing your fantasies kinda defeats the purpose of acting out your fantasies, I think. This leads me to believe that this might have made a better Cinemax movie than a theatrical release. Of course, Hines' presence in a softcore porn flick would kind of sour the whole experience. And it's more likely to happen now that his career is farther down the toilet than Dom Deluise's, bless his adorable heart. As Hines tries to talk some sense into Dr. Eve, who, if I remember correctly, is weeping hysterically, he goes on and on about the dead cops. This movie really wants us to feel bad about those cops. But not about the drunken hick that will have to live through life like Herr Starr, of the "Preacher" comic book.

Later (it's obviously later, since it was night at the motel, and now it appears to be in the afternoon), Eve is driving down the road way, way too slowly for a robot on the run from the government. The guy behind her gets frustrated and passes her, giving her the finger and calling her a bitch. As we've learned before, calling her a bitch is not a good idea. I'm surprised the taglines isn't "Brains. Strength. Beauty. Just don't call her a bitch," rather than "They Gave Her Looks. Brains. Nuclear Capabilities. Everything But An Off Switch." See? They even used that damn repetitive joke in the tagline. Anyway, this scene is actually noteworthy: it's the first time someone used windshield wiper fluid in a movie. Not to injure anybody or anything like that, I mean used it at all, in this case to clean a windshield. So EVE decides to rear-end this guy, causing a giant yellow airbag to pop out of the steering wheel (now that I realize it, I'm kinda surprised that they had airbags in cars in 1991) and hit the driver in the face. The impact from crashing the two cars causes EVE to be armed to detonate (nuclearly) in 24 hours. Now EVE hitchhikes, and causes an ancient-looking red jeep to pull over. EVE asks the driver for his car, and he says no. The movie then cuts to EVE driving the jeep. I think it's obvious what just happened.

EVE then finds Dr. Eve's abusive father, who partially caused her mother's death. At the same time, Hines talks with local cops about the crisis. Suddenly, Hines' Marines from the beginning of the movie arrive to kick some ass (read: be cannon fodder). At the house, Hines sneaks around the house and finds Dr. Eve's father's barely conscious body. What follows next is a fight scene between EVE and Hines. I find it hard to believe that EVE kept from tearing Hines apart like a fresh bread while Dr. Eve attempts to talk some sense into EVE. No such luck. EVE escapes, after killing Dr. Eve's father and 3 Marines, who still have a negative reaction time. We're then treated to an exciting (or exiting, depending on how you look at it) flashback in which Dr. Eve's abusive father pushes her mother in front of a car in a drunken stupor. After that, Dr. Eve guesses EVE will head over to New York City to see her son, Timmy. You gotta hand it to the writers for coming up with original names. At least his name isn't "Junior." At some point in that scene, Hines forgives Dr. Eve for forgetting to put in the aformentioned "fucking off-switch." In preparation for EVE's arrival, Dr. Eve's husband and son are being watched by government agents with giant binoculars, Dr. Eve, and Hines. When they find the agent posing as a doorman dead, they know EVE is in the building.

EVE then arrives at the apartment, shrieking and asking where Timmy is. Dr. Eve's husband, Peter, looks vaguely like Kevin Spacey, but without the personality and charm. Eventually he gets a call from the real Eve, telling him that that woman in his apartment isn't her: it's one of her robots. Peter's reaction gives one the impression that he's pretty thick. The idea of a scientist working on a secret government project would tell her husband anything about what she does seems pretty ludicrous.

Next, Hines finds Peter's unconscious body in an elevator. I find it odd that he was the only person that wasn't killed in EVE's rampage... damn character bias. So then there's a shootout of somesort... I don't remember what happened and didn't describe it farther than "shootout" in my notes. Ah, well. The 24-hour timer is down to 15-minutes by this time. What's odd is that there are no snipers awaiting EVE's eluding of the ground agents... that might have helped.

Soon EVE finds herself underground with Timmy in her arms, in the subway area. She pushes a guy out of the way, he calls her a bitch, and she shoots him up. Hines follows her through the tunnels (on the tracks...), gets shot, and follows. Persistent bastard! At this point there's 5 minutes left. Sure didn't feel like 10 minutes passed. Hines finally reaches her. There's some unmemorable dialogue exchange, in which EVE says "No one will ever shut the door on you!" referring to some horrible childhood memory involving Dr. Eve's father closing a door in front of her to keep her from seeing him fight with her mother.

What follows is a standoff. Hines has a pistol (with a laser pointer... another thing I wouldn't expect to see in 1991) pointed at EVE's head, with Timmy's head blocking her head as a train approaches. Dr. Eve is on the platform, begging EVE to toss Timmy over to her. The train approaches right behind Hines and somehow he has enough time to shoot her in the eye and "kiss the ground" so that he's under the train. At first I was amazed at how they could have a train approach Hines from behind at that speed and then remembered what they did in the Evil Dead flicks: film it backwards, and reverse it so that it looks like that skeleton's hand is really going into Bruce Campbell's mouth and playing dice in his stomach, or in this case that a train is about to turn Gregory Hines into a soup-like substance. And that's how I became disillusioned with the film industry.

Before and aftershots of EVE. Notice the arm-like lump on the right side
of her jacket and the fact that she's pretty intact for a person that's been
run over by a train.

No one's favorite evil robot, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. She get's run over by the wheels of the train. But then we find out EVE is still alive, except she's missing an eye and an arm, but you can tell the actress' arm is in her jacket. How unrealistic for something run over by a train. They could come up with something way cooler-looking. Anyway, she's approaching Dr. Eve, who unloads the entire clip of ammo in Hines' pistol. To get her attention, Hines says "Hey, Bitch!" allowing Dr. Eve to stab her in the eye with the chamber that protrudes out of an gun when it's empty. The timer stops with ninse seconds to spare. Hines quips to Dr. Eve, "I guess you found the fucking off switch," and the movie cuts to the credits. That's right, no real denoument.

Batman teams up with Pikachu to defeat the Joker, Team Rocket, and a giant Joker head balloon.

Eve of Destruction is almost like a variation on Frankenstein (the book, not the movie) without the questioning of man playing god, which was the most significant aspect of Mary Shelly's suberb novel. The whole movie is very anti-feminist. Also, notice that almost every male character in this movie isn't very likeable, to put it nicely. For example, anyone who EVE killed. The idea was moderately interesting, but the execution is atrocious. Hines makes a better tapdancing superstar than he does a hardass soldier. Maybe that's why this is his only movie in which he plays a guy whose specialty is killing things. Hm... this is another piece of crap I really don't want to own. On the bright side, Howling 4: The Original Nightmare won't be so lonely on my shelf anymore. Too bad the other (hopefully bad) movie I bought at the same time Nightmaster, starring a young Nicole Kidman, kept switching between normal and EP speed, causing the video and sound to speed up, rendering it even more unwatchable than it probably already would be. Damn.

Real Movie Grade:
Crap Movie Grade: 1/2

So crappy, you'd rather have a kid screaming out various parts of anatomy in your ear.

BACK