BLISS

One of those times I'll disagree with Roger Ebert.
I think we both know who has more credability...

Stats
FOUND AT: HBO (That's the channel that has "The Sopranos" and "Square Pegs Grown Up," still starring an unbearable-to-watch Sarah Jessica Parker.)
PRICE: Free, due to a cable company mistake
DIRECTOR: Lance Young
SCREENPLAY: Lance Young
STARRING: Craig Sheffer, Sheryl Lee, Terence Fucking Stamp.
RATING: R (originally NC-17) for sex scenes with severe emotional baggage and General Zod's use of the word "injaculate."
YEAR: 1997
AVAILABILITY: Yes. DVD contains original theatrical trailer and full screen anamorphic format (ooooooh...)
IMDB FUN FACT!: Some of the explicit shots during the sex scenes were cut out to reduce the NC-17 rating to an R.
HILARIOUS REVIEW:
"It may not be a great movie, but Bliss could be one of the greatest marriage-boosters ever filmed."
-Robert Horton, Amazon.com


I taped this off of HBO (Thank you, cable company), hoping it was Cinemax-styled softcore porn. It wasn't porn, but it was close. It certainly starts like a porn, with the credits appearing as a white font over a black screen. For the first few actor credits, I didn't recognize any names. I wish I had watched "Twin Peaks." Besides experiencing the genius of David Lynch, I would know that Sheryl Lee played Laura Palmer, not to mention "Madeleine 'Maddy' Ferguson," whomever that may be. Sorry, Sheryl. Same to winner of the David Boreaniz lookalike contest, Craig Sheffer, though I have no intention to see A River Runs Though It or Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal. It was when I saw "Terence Stamp" in the opening credits that my bubble was burst and I could feel free to curse. Unless Terence Stamp suddenly was getting into softcore porn. That would be... different. Bliss was writer/director Lance Young's first and only film. But he was "production associate" on E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, a movie you better have heard of.

It starts off with the wedding day of the two main characters, Joseph and Maria (Joseph and Mary? Hurm.). Joseph rides in one limo with his friend Tanner while Maria rides with her mother and father. Joseph and Tanner talk about how fucked up Maria is. Joseph reveals her deepest darkest secrets while Tanner plays the stereotypical idiot male:

"She sleeps with a flyswatter."
"If I looked like that, I'd sleep with a bazooka!"

What? And we can't forget this one:

"Sometimes she's... suicidal."
"Oh, they're all like that."

Maria, on the other hand seems to be about to vomit while her parents are completely insensitive. "Mind your dress, dear," her mother says. Bitch.

After they step out of their respective limousines, we cut to six months later. They are at a marriage counselor, talking about their various problems. As expected, the scene is intercut with shots of the two having sex. Also to be expected, Maria reveals that she fakes her orgasms. Of course, being a man, Joseph has a shit fit about it. Seems he isn't the supreme alpha male he thought he was. Considering the actors' line deliveries in this scene, it seems like a comedy. But we will soon find out it is nowhere near a comedy, at least by creator intent. Later, we see them lying in bed. There is a fly walking around on top of the dresser where the camera is positioned. As noted by the flyswatter reference, Maria has a bizarre obsession with getting rid of the bugs in the house. This is clearly symbolic of something. No, I'm not going to tell you. You're going to have to figure it out... ok, I don't know either.

I'm going to be quick about this. Joseph works at a construction company. I don't know what he does, but he has an office. For some reason one of those binocular things on a tripod is present at one of the current projects, and pointed at the window of a building. I guess some of the workers saw some neat stuff going on in there and frequently check it out to see what could happen next. In fact, that might be exactly it. Anyway, Joseph sees his wife go into the building. He immediately acts like his wife is cheating on him. He goes in, somehow manages to find the right room, and hears horrible moaning and (though the movie doesn't make it exactly clear) sees someone committing some atrocity against his wife.

After demanding information about "Balthazar," the man doing whatever the hell he was going to Maria, from the Marriage Counselor, he goes to confront Balthazar. At first, Joseph sounds slightly annoyed. And five second later he goes into a berserker rage. When I say berserker rage, I mean he knocks everything off of Balthazar's desk in a completely inhuman fashion. "That wasn't sex. That wasn't love. That was sadistic torture," Joseph says. "You expect love from Zod, son of Jor-El? KNEEL!" Balthazar shouts in that great way that only British actors like Ian McKellan can do, and proceeds to reveal all of Maria's deepest darkest secrets. This is where we find out that she has a "borderline personality," which means, in psychological terms, she's "totally fucked up." This explains the obsession with bugs in the house for some reason, so says Balthazar.

After an angry confrontation with his wife, Joseph returns to Balthazar's home/sex emporium to wrap Balthazar in a giant cellophane S-shield logo. I swear, that's the only weak point of the movie. Except when Clark tried to kill Lois with his freeze breath at the end. I still have no idea how that would take away her memory. Makes a bit more sense than spinning the world to make time go backwards. Everyone should have died. Anyway, Joseph is recruited as Balthazar's protege, his padawan learner, his idiot trainee who can't get my order of "small fucking fries" right. This is when the movie is at its funniest. They both strip down to boxers of the exact same color and Balthazar asks him personal questions. It's worth it just to hear Terence Stamp say "Tell me about your penis, Joseph."


KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!

In addition to being made very uncomfortable, Joseph has rules to follow. No sex with Maria, no matter what a stripper tells you. Actually, I think that is the only rule, aside from "Always KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" Joseph is made to do various exercises to increase his life energy and other such energies related to his sexuality called things like "Chakra" by Balthazar, not to mention acts to help "heal" Maria. For example, he is supposed to masturbate while thinking about himself. Then there's spooning Maria in bed. And gliding his hand over her body just barely touching her to increase her sensitivity. Now, to normal people, this would just be irritating and we'd get the urge to scratch. But these aren't normal people. One of the funniest scenes in the movie has Balthazar and Joseph walking down a dock for some reason packed with people fishing while Balthazar talks more about sex. He says Joseph must learn to "injaculate" instead of the normal "ejaculate." I don't know what the hell "injaculate" means, but it sounds incredibly painful. Maybe it's his term for cerebral hemorrages.

Over the course of Joseph's training, we find that Balthazar can do anything. Not only a primo sex therapist, he is also a primo violin player, primo scholar (seen getting a book from an attractive intelligent redhead played by Leigh Taylor-Young (sister of the director) or Lois Chiles... I'm not sure which), and a primo auto mechanic. Poor Joseph. He can't even stick his penis in things right. Hell, the day he's finally allowed to have sex with Maria (not just do other sexual things that do nothing for him other than enjoy the fact that he gets to touch things), Maria agrees to do it so long as they do it her way, which ends up being her tying him to the bed and doing all the work herself. I thought she said HER way. That does her no good! Meanwhile, Joseph whines about the different levels of orgasm (Yep, I forgot to mention that. There's nine! Collect them all!) and doing it this way will just be wasting his life energy:

JOSEPH: I can't come!
MARIA: Too bad, mother fucker!!

Heh.


Balthazar stands outside Joseph's window
and watches his wife horse whip him into a coma.

Later, Balthazar reveals to him that all this work was all for Joseph and not Maria and that Joseph's intentions were to selfishly mold Maria into the woman he wants her to be. Well, wasn't that a big waste of fucking time. Now the true healing can begin. While Joseph is doing one of these healing sessions with Maria, she envisions Joseph as her father. If that wasn't bad enough, her throat closes up, so she can't breathe. She's taken to the hospital. At the hospital, in a meeting room talking with the doctor (played by Principal Kwan of TV's "Smallville!" How's that for irony?), Joseph is accompanied by Balthazar and the Marriage Counselor. I find the fact that when his wife is about to die, he calls his Sex Therapist and his Marriage Counselor over for support very funny for some reason.

After Maria leaves the hospital, her and Joseph are farther apart than they have ever been before. Maybe it's because she's talking showers all the time. Who knows? Anyway, when they realize that things can't work between them at the moment, Joseph moves out and gets his own apartment. There's a confrontation between Joseph and Balthazar where Joseph, having already been established as an idiot male, accuses Balthazar of just rounding up women with psychological problems for easy sex. There's really not much after this point. Joseph yells at Tanner for talking about a woman he sees in a bar in a way which offends Joseph, Joseph starts accompanying Maria to her Incest/Sexual Abused Persons support group meetings, and they have a reconciliation on a park bench. Yes, things are that simple.


He was also in those crappy Star Wars prequels.
Somehow, they're a lot sexier than this movie.

Then Joseph visits Balthazar again, only to find that the attractive redhead librarian is there, having just probably had sex with Balthazar. He's been lying to her and saying he gives violin lessons, being uncomfortable with divulging his current occupation of "fucking fucked up chicks," as Joseph might have said earlier in the movie. Then as they sit down, Joseph, smoking a cigar, asks him a question to the effect of "Can you smell her when she's not there? Do you ever know what she's thinking before she even says anything, and dread the moments in between?" No, I don't know what the hell that last part means, either. When Balthazar doesn't reply and smiles politely, Joseph says "Well too bad for you," and leaves. What a prick. This man taught you how to not be a better lover. You owe him, buddy. After some more footage of Joseph walking outside and Balthazar still sitting in his chair, the movie ends on a shot of Joseph spooning Maria, nude as Wednesday pie. Cut to credits.

In all honesty, the movie isn't as bad as I expected. It's really just unintentionally laughable and kind of silly, if anything. Balthazar is quite likeable and well acted by the underrated (probably) Terence Stamp. It's one of those movies that could easily be a softcore porn movie if written differently, given the plot essentially being about an attempt to improve a bored married couple's sex life. In fact, I'm sure there are lots of porn movies like that. Only thing is that they don't have General Zod in them.

For more information about Borderline Personalities, check your local library. That is, assuming they exist.


NORMAL MOVIE GRADE:
CRAP MOVIE GRADE:

So bad... well, it's not really THAT bad. But you wouldn't want to talk to General Zod about your genitals, now, would you?

P.S. I'd apologize for the gratuitous General Zod references, but I found making them too funny when I was watching the movie.

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