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How to Not Get Laid, By Matt Holt 1) Compliment the girl. One or two a night is good enough. After that your penis gets further and further from her cooter with every flattering outburst. You have to show her that you aren�t Mr. Nice Pee-Pee who lives next door, who cant hump his way out of a paper bag. 2) Being full of yourself. Be confident, but not a egotistical douche. If I am being cocky, usually I do it so over the top the girl knows I am totally joking. Like boasting about how hot I am, how wealthy I am, or how big my dick is. All obvious lies. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT SHOW HER YOUR 7TH GRADE FOOTBALL VIDEO. Guaranteed disaster. Do not explain your history of wrestling, from age 5 to your stunning 6th place finish at state. Also, it may work at Florida state, but just the fact you can boast you are on the SOU football team isn�t going to work. Sorry big guy, looks like you are going to have to rely on your ripped six pack abs and great personality. 3) Dress like a total slob. I know, I know, but I am a total anomaly in this category. My jeans and t-shirt get me by I guess. Things such as sweatpants on a Friday night, the quadruple XL cut-off summer camp t-shirt, or your awesome McKay mesh football shorts aren�t going to be wooing any models this century. Shaving probably doesn�t hurt either. Face, not back. Just thought I would clarify. 4) Call her a slut, ho, whore, cunt or bitch. I know I said don�t compliment, but some things women don�t react to very well. I did not learn this one the hard way, I only had to sit back and watch Trique Meininger. 5) Get really drunk. I have learned this one first hand, many, many times. I have gotten sex way too drunk, but I had to work real hard. The booze makes you smooth as a baby�s ass, but after a point, you think you are like ice, but you are really coming off like Steve Urkel�s drunken uncle. Once you puke in front of the girl, not only is the taco bell you had earlier spewed all over the concrete, but you chances of getting laid just got vomited out as well. This has become known as "The Thomas." 6) Talk about your ex or past relationship. No one wants to hear this crap. Great, it was good when it lasted and "you got burned." the girl doesn�t care. In reality it was probably because you were a loser in the first place. I know making mom feel sorry for you got you things in the past, but you weren�t trying to fuck mom. Unless you lived in Sweet Home. The girl is going to view you as pathetic, not a the alpha male lion in the jungle, like the ones on Appleton�s wall. 7) Live in the dorms. Your roommate is pretty cool, but a girl doesn�t want to hit "the wheelbarrow" with him playing Madden 2005 3 ft away. If you have a cool room, it could make or break your chances of getting laid. A shit-hole slum isn�t going to work. I have never seen a cool dorm room, because they don�t exist. Also, Massey�s trailor will never work, unless its parked in the woods, and Massey is camping. 8) Living at home. Rent is cheap, like free cheap. Laundry service is great. The personal chef is fabulous. Life is awesome, besides the fact that you are 22 years old and still living with mom and dad. I haven�t lived at home with my mother since I was in high school, and I never got laid. Sneaking a girl in through the window was a slick move, when you were 14. The hot 24 year old you met at the club probably doesn�t think its all that slick. My friend Shane still lives at home and he can get laid whenever he wants. It usually involves 200 bucks and a trip to Reno. 9) Falling into friend zone. Also known as "The Stutz" or "Pulling an Alex." Things are going great at first, but then you get too scared to pull the trigger. Sorry, you have fallen into friend zone, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Proceed straight to Notgettinglaidville. Your manly cock needs to be seen as a threat to her hot little cooze, not the little pee-pee that couldn�t. what I mean is, let her know that you view her as more than a friend, that you have more than friend feelings for her. If you cant do that, you can at least be the friend who knows all the hot chicks. You come in handy for guys who�s wieners don�t have more dust than the moon. 10) Go by the name Alex, Joey, Jerry, Rich, Shane, Simmons, Troy, Shawn, Lewis, Ricky or Massey. Saving it for marriage is a great concept, if you are a pilgrim circa 1781, where people got married at age 11 and lived to be 42 years old. Otherwise, call a spade a spade and face the fact that you are just scared of pussy. I have faith that this list will get cut in half by June of this year, I mean I cant fuck all the girls in Ashland by myself.
