"The Reverend" Zeke Thunder: October 12, 2001

"Beatin' back the demons of hell with a big ole stick like contraption!"

Southern ministry at its finest -- "The Reverend" Zeke Thunder

I've always thought a good way to threaten somebody would be to light a stick of dynamite, and then call the prick that's been bothering ya up. When he answers, hold the burning fuse next to the phone. "Hear that," you say, "That's dynamnite, baby." I mentioned that to Martha the other day, and she went on and on about how it'd blow up, and blah blah blah... I didn't listen to the rest, women are stupid. But that's exactly what this column is gonna be guys and goils -- dynamite. The ole attic may be a bit empty, and a bit drafty nowadays, but hey, if push comes to shove, I'll just let the whiskey do the talkin' for me. My name happens ta be the esteemed "Reverend" Zeke Thunder... an apostle of Gaaad for you curious folk out there. And my only accomplishment in journalism is that I once met Tom Brokaw... I still don't know about that for sure though. It was ole St. Patty's Day, and I was feelin' a bit tipsy, so I may have made the whole thing up, ah well, it was still fun. That Tom Brokaw... I just love the way he says "Ahhh, now to the war in Kohhhhhhhsovvo." He's a good lad.

I'm tellin' ya, rasslin' is going straight to hell in a handbasket. What happened to guys like Busta BYRD and Greendust? Now those guys were tough as NAILS I tell ya what. These scrawny faggots today... all they're good for is jumping through burnin' tables, and getting hit over tha head with a damn steel chair for twenty minutes. That ain't rasslin, that's just bein' a damned fool! Faggots, the whole lot of 'em... they all gonna burn in hell. Ole Lucifer has got a strong hold on them, that's fer sure... them and their girly earrings, and purdy little fuzzy jackets. I tell ya what, sometime during the eighties, it all went ta hell as far as I'm concerned... now ya can't even walk down tha damn street without seeing a couple fags getting all lovey-dubey. Makes me wanna puke.

That there NYSWF is filled with 'em. Have you ever seen that Johnny Storm over there? Prancing around in his purdy ponytail... it's pure destitution people, thar ain't no other way at lookin' at, I tell ya. They all got pansy names too... stuff like 'Whisssper' and 'Julian Dreeeeamwalker.' Why don't they just go ahead and have the big ole orgy their all thirstin' for, and be done with it? I mean, these guys, and I use that term very loosely, look like they just hopped out of a damn Prince video! I don't get it folks... but that place has been going downhill ever since Grady Smith vacated the World Title, and that damned Dark Messiah got his stubby little fingers all over it. Grady Smith... now there's a true champion if I ever did see one. Class act all the way, always rassles his heart out... now that's what these people should be strivin' to become. But instead, they all wanna be fudgepackers, like that queer Hardin' Cash. Don't you tell me he hasn't swung from both sides of the plate on more than one occassion...

I'll tell ya what though, I was surprised with that KOTR there... that was actually watchable. To be honest, I was duuuully impressed, for the most part, it was top quality action. I'm sure most of yas either watched it on PPV, or have read about it here, so I won't summarize what happened... but nonetheless, it was exciting. And that Karma? Oooh my, she's finer than a Steiner... the purdiest little thang I ever did see! My big sturdy trooper may be in retirement, but he sure as hell still knows how to "stand at attention" if ya get what I'm saying. Ha!

She's a damned woman though, so if ya ask me she should just stay in the kitchen where she belongs... maybe occassionally letting ole Zekey have a taste of her custard pie, so to speak, heh. She won't amount to anything though, so no worries there... unless she starts sucking on Duane's pickle like that hooch Laura, then she might go somewheres. But enough talk about stupid women... let me tell get back to KOTR for a quick sec. Star of THEE night was most certainly Harvey Knox, who earned himself there a World Title shot at the next Clash of the Champions. Three matches folks, all of 'em against undefeated opponents, and he won daggum every one of 'em! Even though he's been very impressive, he's got a real test for himself there this upcoming week, as he takes on tha Extreme One, Venom. I'm surprised nobody's called an exorcist in on him yet, that boy is possessed by Lucifer himself! And I wouldn't be surprised if ole Venom pulled out a win against Harvey this week, and won that there Hardcore Title... just a hunch, since Satan is running rampant in the EWA. In other matches for this week, on WNW, a returning Erik Nuff takes on the newbie, "Jammed Up" Jay Pills. Ole Erik is a little rusty, but I think he's got enough strength to lift up his leg and "jam" his foot, right up Jay's ass! Hahaaah! But hey, who knows, this Pills kid could surprise us. Also, we've got Johnny Flash taking on the luscious Karma, in what I'm already calling THEE MATCH OF THE WEEK! Mark it down folks, it's gonna be a goooood one! Yes sir, you betcha! Karma talks a good game... we all know she's got a talented mouth, especially me... oh the tongue ring of hers, so ticklish... heh, but ole Flash Gordon is coming off his first loss of his EWA tenure, and looks to be out for blood. I'm going with Flash here folks, but it's gonna be close. But starting things off on WNW, it's gonna be Willy Haynes taking on another new guy, Chrissy Dawson. I don't know much about this Dawson kid, but he sounds like another fag to me! I'm gonna take Haynes here... he's a damned bastard though. Also on WNW, we got a Television Title match, with Laura defending against that flamer Blaze, and the medievil hero, X-Calibur. Another great match folks, I gotta commend Gates on his booking here, cause it's damned good. I know Johnny hasn't been too hot these past couple weeks, but I'm gonna go with him in this match, he's due for a big win. Then on the main event of WNW, we gots Jack Daniels taking on Hardin' Cash, in a sure to be war. These two share a long history together, and have fought many a time. Since both these boys are coming off big wins at the PPV, this is just too close to call. I'll go with Jack Daniels though, cause he's been there comforting me on many a lonesome night. Well, not him personally, but still... you get the point.

Starting off on TNT, we got yet another youngin', Steven Arwich, taking on the big ole monster Dredd. Steven Arwich? He sounds like a weak little nerd, so I'll go with Dredd here. Hey folks, I'm just being honest with ya! Then, in a sure to be hardcore extravaganza, we's got Johnathan Snyder takin' on the Northern Virginia Mental Institution's pride and joy, Jack Reed. Two veterans who still know how to kick a little bee-hind, yes sir! Reed has been impressin' me lately, so I'm gonna go with him... though that takes nothing away from Snyder, formerly known as Johnny Napalm. I thought they got rid of that stuff after 'Nam? Anyhoo, he's been away from this sport for a very long time, and it might take another week or two for him to get back in the swing of things. Oooh goody, I like the next match scheduled thar folks... THE STIMULATOR BABY!! HE'S DY-NO-MITE!!! THAT THERE HE IS!!! We gots Jimmy Walker takin' on Paranoid Perry. Though I like Perry's work here in the EWA so far, he's gonna have a tough time with da Stimulator... so I'm gonna go with ole JW. But I reckon ole Perry will put up a hellacious fight, cause he's tougher 'an snot. As I talked about earlier, we got Venom and Knox for the Hardcore Title. Oooooooh WEE! Hot damn, that's a good one! I know Harvey has yet to be pinned here in the EWA, but I'm gonna go with Venom here. I think he's finally gonna take advantage of the situation here, and make the most of it... if not? Oh well, like I said, if anyone asks me about it, I'll just act clueless and blame it on da whiskey. In the main event, we got a Tag Team Title match. Ya know, it's about damned time that TGO and Boden defend the tag titles. What do they think this is? A Holiday Inn? Hehee, I told yas I was hip as a fox. Well now, there's a lot of strong teams in this four-way battle, who've definitely got a chance to dethrone TGO and Boden. I especially like the team of Kage and Satre... Kage has really been impressive as of late, and Satre has been purdy frickin' good as well. I smell chemistry between those two... other than there out of ring "friendship" that is... but I still think that The Golden One and Sean Boden are gonna walk out of there with the gold still in hand, some way or another. Hopefully they'll defend 'em against here in the next year or so. Heheh, I can be a real dilly wagger sometimes.

Well, that's all I got for this week. Just on a sidenote here, this is an opening column here, so I thought it'd be best to do the usual thing, if you know what I mean... don't want y'all get yer panties in a bunch. However, next week's column should give you a better look about what ole Zeke Thunder is about. Now that's all I got ta say 'bout that. That's my story... and I'll change it if need be. See ya on da flipside...