Matt Hoffman: October 12, 2001

I used to hate the internet...and the Dirtsheet in particular. Nothing angers me more than some fatass, high-school or college dropout, living in his parents basement, cooking up some sub-par internet wrestling articles for a "Living"....BUT....after spending the last few months with a severe concussion, putting on weight with my steady diet of gerber through a goddamn curly straw, ive realized that writing CAN be fun...who knew! So here i am...your newest columnist...who will be the first of his kind to be able to actually back up his opinions with his fists if need-be...

This week, i've been told to write about whatever i wanted..so i chose The NYSWF...oh the fun, fun, fun. The place is goin up, thats for damn sure, but it's do to the actions of a very small group of people in my opinion...the rest are just along for the ride, just like Scottie Pippen and Ho Grant back in the Bull's glory days. Now I'm not hear to keep things kind, i'm not here to praise everything that takes place in professional wrestling, thats not what i'm payed for...as a matter of fact, im not paid at all, so i think it's time for me to rip into some people, right..??

Naw naw, not quite yet, first, looking back at the NYSWF last weekend of festivities...i'm gonna give praise where praise is due...i'll be doin that this week in the form of.....THE TOP...errr, FIVE!!!!! *que streamers and party poppers* Ok, so it's not really that cool, and it screams un-originality...well, fu*k yall anyway, like i give two liquid shits..

5. Shane Cornell- Now this dumbsh*t may be the most inconsistent, and overall dissappointing wrestler ever to make multiple comebacks in the sport...but he did win a match last weekend, can't take that away from him, and his dueling sh*t talkin segment with Harding Cash, and their subsequent, roll-around-the-ring thing was golden. He's gonna have a hard time however, changing my views...i've still got money down on when his next dissappearance/gimmick change will occur, the over/under is sittin at about three weeks right now.

4. Michael Draven- What a wonderfuly entertaining beatdown of Evan Douglas last Saturday nite. It never seizes to amaze me how many times this man can save face. Everytime he's dug himself to the Earth's core with his inconsistent performances and overal lack of effort, he clocks somebody with a chair, or molds a title belt across someone's grill, and gets people buzzin again...beautiful stuff.

3. ICE- One of the few bright spots performance wise in the federation right now, and the man probably couldnt execute a simple nerve hold or pressure lock if his life depended on it, sad eh..?? Not takin anything away from the guy, he's one of the few people i wouldn't want to pass in a dark alley, thats for sure. ICE picks up yet another, seemingly effortless victory last week, where he took a few international objects to the dome, and then proceded to wipe Jason Phoenix's ass with an entire Waffle House. I'd give this match three *'s...but in the interest of being original, we'll go with carrott's...

- Latest match rating: ^^^ -

2. New York Hardcore- C'mon..i had to throw these guys in there, perhaps the two biggest burnout/drunks on the face of the planet, gotta love em...decent showing against near impossible odds in the form of the legendary tag team known as Star Senshi.

- Latest match rating: 2 bottles of Old English -

1. Harding Cash- He's one of my least favorite people in existance right now, and that says somthing, given the rapidly growing world population, but he came up semi-huge this last weekend, making his long awaited return to the NYSWF, taking out three mid-card peons in the process...not exactly his best effort, but nontheless, he is now the biggest name in the company, i'll pause now so the Storm's and Haven's of the world who are reading can have time to foolishly dispute that in the privacy of their own mansions................ok, now having said that, i think there is a great oppurtunity Cash could go due South after this fiasco, I call it that, basicly becasue it was on Saturday nite (Memo to CHC: Heat is the important show, dumbass)...we'll see how it all pans out though, im fully prepared to eat an onion should he skyrocket to the main event by Thanksgiving...

Alright, now that i've got all that praise out of the way, if you can call it that, lets get down to business, with the BOTTOM five...ahhh, much funner for me.

5. Andre Griffin, aka The Kaze- Well, i think it's him, the same guy that was seemingly unbeatable in the not too distant past has now become the laughing stock of professional wrestling....again. And just when it seemed like it couldnt get any worse for this poor bastard, The Darkling and fu*king Shadowhawk come along. Andre Griffin could have beaten these two X-Men rejects with nothing but his dick as a weapon in the past, let alone with his dick, AND Cameron Jones, but Saturday nite, these two green employees of the NYSWF handed him a devastating loss, way-to-go champ...i think it's time for you to fly...go bathe in blood, go ginsu on a fetus, whatever...just do it well away from a camera so we as viewers aren't polluted and sickened by your plummeting workrate.

4. Evan Douglas- Just when i thought this assclown was getting smart and beginning to develop into a nice young star, he ties himself to the anchor that is Jonathan Storm. I mean, this freakin ape had a chance to gain a victory over the supposed Television Champion, easily, and rather than throwing that punch, he shook that assholes hand...are you freaking serious?!?!?!? If Evan Douglas was a stock, he's be plummeting right now for certain...because he's just lost all credibility. Just look at the facts, one week he's winning the Lightweight Championship, and two minutes after befriending Storm, he's wearing the belt as a golden faceplate...you do the match, Douglas + Storm = no fame, no wealth, no girls, no career..

3. Chip Masters- Sorry Chip'sta marks...but the American hero was a major dissappointment against Kanyon. He totally blew any chance he had at recapturing that past glory, by getting his ass handed to him by the 'Innovator of Offense'...i mean, after the freakin spectacle he put on at the Pay-Per-View with all the cheap pops, all the wasted pyro..he almost HAD to get a win here against Kanyon, and he failed miserably...it's back to square one for The American Champion, lets just hope this new beginning will lead him out of the freakin classroom...if i hafta see another night school reject asking him questions i'm going to puke up my vital organs.

2. Chris Kage- It's real simple Kage...when you win the World Title, give the fans the liberty and privelage of seeing you on the next weeks cards in full force. You won the goddamn World Title for christs sake, be proud...cut a freakin promo...AND beat a washed up Grady Smith on the SAME NITE!!!!! *gasp*

1. Jon Storm- Why is he #1..?? Well, i guess you could say that this is more a personal vendetta than anything else...and being a writer here at the Dirtsheet, i have the privelage of taking out my vendetta's whenever and however i see fit...so HA! First things first. If i've gotta hear Storm tell people he's the GREATEST Lightweight Champion of all time again, i just might hafta go against doctors orders and sign myself up for a one day contract in the NYSWF, which is all the time i'd need to put this cock in a wheel chair for life. Now lets get things straight, Jon Storm is NOT the greatest Lightweight champion of all time....I AM! plain and simple. Anyone who disagrees needs only to look back at the archives and see who he defended against, which is nobody if im not mistaken. And dont even get me started on how he stole my catchphrase, we wont touch that, lets instead look at his last match, which actually wasnt a match at all, becasue instead of defending himself like a real man, he brainwashed his opponent into joining his stable to avoid a sure loss...nice Jon...nice, lets try that one on Alexander Haven and see how far it gets you, pal. This next match for Storm is his ultimate test...once and for all, we'll see if he's for real, of if this is just another brief brush with greatness that he's goin through...only time will tell, however, the fact that he attempted to duck the match tells us a little in advance perhaps. If he loses to Alex Haven...everything he's earned goes back down the tubes...and we're likely to see another nickname and/or last name added to his well rounded collection, ick...

There it is, the good ole Bottom five....sign on to the Dirtsheet next week, to see if any of these poor slack jawed yokels can make it up to the glamours list up above....later folks.

- "The Last Respectable NYSWF World Champion" Matt Hoffman -