Misc Jokes Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in Ameriaca. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Submited by MeQ. Wats the difference between izzie and an ice hockey team?
A. The ice hockey team has a shower after four periods.
Submited by KarlCannibal father and Son were walking through the jungle when they saw a pretty, but naked blond run by. The Son said to the dad "Let's track her down, kill and eat her". The Dad said back "No, let's track her down and take her home and kill your Mother".
Submitted by MeQ. What happens when you boil a cabbage? A. Wheelchair floats to the top.
Submitted by SeexQ: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Submitted by AshtonThe hunchback of natra dame is on a tower which is on fire. hes stuck right at the top. So the emergency seervice arrive an say jump jump we'll catch you. but he mumbles something an they cant understand him. One man says get esmarelda she'll undertsand. So they do. She says comon jump we'll catch you. he mumbles an a man says "what did he say?". she replies "he said what the fuck do you think this is (lump on back) a fuckin parashute.
Submitted by MeThe usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.
"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."
Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"
Submited by MeQ. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club.
Submited by MeTwo sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
Submited by MeA fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
Submited by MeQ. whats the diiference between a paki and an oinion
A. you cry when you cut up an onion.
Submited by Trevor (aka Lank)Q.How do u stop a paki from spitting
A.Take it off the BBQ!
Submited by LankQ. Wats the differnce between a fox and a dog?
A. about 8 pints of Guiness.
Submited by Me
Michael Jackson and Arnold Swcharzneger got their genes mixed up and it came out with Micael WasANigger.
Submited by Rushton
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
Submited by Me
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the
man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper
in this one either."
Submited by MeQ: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Submitted by Ashton
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea.
Submitted by Ashton
Q. What did the tampax say to the fart?
A. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Submited by MeA kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Submited by Me
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Submited by Me
Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: Drowns.
Submitted by AshtonQ: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
