The Extremly Late Show! Episode 2
(( The scene opens to a camera sitting in front of a large podeum. The camera slowly pans out. Revealing a large lecture theatre where mentally handicapped children are pilling into the seats. A middle aged, very pudgy nurse slowly walks up the the podium. Her fat fingers turn the microphone towards herself and she is sweating profusly. One of the mentally handicaped children in the front winks at the nurse and starts rubbing himself and she smiles a faint smile back. The camera pans in as she is about to speak, showing only her mouth ))
Woman: Welcome to Sexual Education....
*A large monitor flips on behind her.....*
(( In association with Extreme Wrestling Association ))
(( ReNeGaDe productions proudly presents........))
Starring:
(( One of a Kind by Breaking Point hits and Dirk Dagger strolls out wearing a new Armani suit and a spiderman tie. He has a pair of jet black oakleys on and his Extreme Title in his hand. He runs out to the audience and slaps hands with the enthusiastic yet very tired crowd ))
Hello everybody to the second installment of
(( Heavenly chimes ))
The Extremly Late Show! Pop quiz boys and girls, is this a regular talk show?
(( The whole audience joins is unacine except for one young man ))
Audience - NO!
Man - Hell Yeah!
(( The whole audience looks at the very embarrased man as two large men dressed in black armani approach the man, they pick him up by the arms and take him away ))
Dirk Dagger - This is the only show out there based on one man...the most charasmatic, sexy, intellegent, popular, did I mention sexy person in the world... ME! Now if there is any beef with that, well that is just to damn bad isn't it! Now question, who saw me kick Sakyo Kyuma's ass on Heat?
(( Half of the audience raises there hands and Dirk chuckles ))
Dirk Dagger - Out of all you people, how many of you aren't over 25....
(( About 10 people raise there hand ))
Dirk Dagger - Out of you people, how many of you had SEX last night!
(( About 5 people raise there hand as Dirk chuckles ))
Dirk Dagger - Now... out of you people, how many of you had Sex while WATCHING me kick Sakyo Kyuma's ass!
(( A very attractive woman and a biker dude raise there hands ))
Dirk Dagger - You two, you have now entered yourself in the "Dirk Dagger Quiz for Kicks Competition!"
(( The crowd applause as the two contestants get a buzzer from the camera crew ))
Dirk Dagger - First question, at what point in my match against Sakyo Kyuma did I have him beat...?
((
BZZZZ
))
Biker Dude - When you dropped his head against that wooden death trap with the CONTUSION baby!
Dirk Dagger - Oooooo sorry that is not the correct answer, you see boys and girls the minute I stepped onto that scaffold I had the match won, I mean Sakyo Kyuma? Give me a break and now I gotta deal with the Truth! What a joke! Moving on to our next question, how many days have I held the Extreme Title?
((
BZZZZ
))
Hot chick - Like, a week?
Dirk Dagger - WRONG!
Biker Dude - A Month!
Dirk Dagger - WRONG!
Audience - 2 MONTHS!!!!
Dirk Dagger - Wrong, Wrong Wrong! 85 days! For 85 days straight I have held this title! Now a lil mexican jumping bean named "The Tooth!" comes along and I am supposed to be shakin in my wrestling boots? This is a man who has to wrestle guys like Sgt. Sluaghter to pick up a victory for god sakes! This is supposed to impress me? Oh wow, a undefeated wrestler without one impressive victory!Well I on the other hand...
(( Dirk laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - Lets just say you don't win the Extreme title fighting 50 year olds... now onto the next question, my match up with the tooth has what kind of stipulation!
((
BZZZZ
))
Hot Chick
and
Biker Dude
at the Same Time -
A
BOILER
ROOM
BRAWL!
Dirk Dagger - Correct! .... Wait a minute my judge is informing me that you both answered the question at the same time! You all know what that means!
(( The audience looks at each other and shrug ))
Dirk Dagger - Wet T-shirt Time!!!!
(( The same two gaurds that were seen before step out with pressurized hoses. They soke down the two contestants as the crowd howls ))
Dirk Dagger - Now who will win the prize... you... the hot chick.... you are SO DAMN FINE, er I mean you have a wonderful body, unfortunetly for you, you are wearing a bra, so I have to give this one to the fat biker with the bitch tits! Give him his prize boys!
(( A large cart is rolled in with a blanket covering it ))
Dirk Dagger - Ladies and Gentlmen this lucky man has won himself a lifetime supply of.....
(( The blanket is removed ))
Dirk Dagger - SPAM!
(( The crowd laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - If it doesn't look like normal meat...its probably spam! Now for our first geust this evening I would like to introduce someone very special... recently he made his triumphant return after a brief stint on the inactive roster... Ladies and Gentlmen you Role Model and mine... Shawn Armstrong!
(( Gone Away by Offspring blasts over the speakers as Shawn Armstrong walks out, he is decked out in a white T-shirt, leather jacket and a pair of Jeans. He jogs out and takes his seat as the female audience members go crazy ))
Dirk Dagger - It's nice to see you again Shawn, how was...uh... being dead?
Shawn Armstrong - Being dead was a very, how should I say, different experience for me Dirk. Many people didn't like the little stint,but what the fail to realize is,it wasn't me fakin it,a man did try and actually kill me...luckilly I unlocked the trapdoor from the inside...
(( Dirk smiles ))
Dirk Dagger - Them EWA officials think of everything don't they? So after your big victory on Heat you are gonna be makin another run in the EWA.. one that actually sees you win some matches?
(( Shawn laughs ))
Shawn Armstrong - Dirk, I started in the EWA with one goal in mind, that goal was to be the best. I learned that it isn't possible until you win and lose some matches. This is a brand new start for your rol model and now that i've lost about as many as I have won, I think this new start will be a very, very, sucessful one. I dont know about you Dagger,with all those wins under your belt it gets me wonderin when will your fall occur...
(( Dirk smiles ))
Dirk Dagger - Is that a threat?
Shawn Armstrong - Ya boy its a threat...
((Shawn quickly stands up and sits down, smiling ))
Dirk Dagger - Oh no I'm so scared! Did you just call me boy?
(( Dirk laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - Listen man... I have beaten you how many times now?
Shawn Armstrong - Dirk you beat me once fair and square...admit it though the second time was questionable. I was gettin up after 2 CHAOTIC CONCUSSIONS...and if it weren't for April ya just never know if you'd have your..
(( Shawn pats Dirk's Title ))
Shawn Armstrong - little Extreme Title here...
(( Dirk bursts out laughing ))
Dirk Dagger - So according to what you just said... a woman kicked your ass? Maybe that is why you turned to Divine.... What was that all about?
(( Shawn laughs ))
Shawn Armstrong -You think i know? Man, that guy I will never be able to figure out. He does have a crush on me ya know...I guess he likes me so much he just didn't want to see me leave!
(( Dirk smiles ))
Dirk Dagger - Maybe it was a thank you present for shaving his head... whatever it was best of luck with having a flaming homosexual on your tail! Shawn I was wondering.... what do you think of the Truth? I mean I got a match with this lil self-proclaimed savior of his people... and another thing.. if his people love Mexico so much why the hell do they always try to get into the states! Damn border hoppers....
(( Dirk laughs ))
Shawn Armstrong - I'll need all of the luck I can get! The Truth huh? Well first of all, what the hell is with that saying... "May the Truth Set you Free"? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
(( Shawn laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - I think it means that he will only leave the EWA once he finds out WHO THE HELL his father is! I mean after all, his mom spent many a nights slaving away on that street corner...
(( Dirk chuckles ))
Shawn Armstrong - Your right he speaks his little el this and essa that when really we don't know what the Fuck he's sayin...do me a favour Mr. Golden Boy...nail that jagged edge on him and teach him a valuable lesson...Dagger style!
(( Dirk begins to mock the Truth ))
Dirk Dagger - I am the real deal essa, el Tooth wont know what hit him essa, I am going to squash him like a bbuuuuuuug... essa!
(( Dirk laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - Hey Shawn I got a good question for you.... why doesn't Mexico have a olympic team?
(( Shawn shrugs ))
Shawn Armstrong - I dont know why dont they essa?
Dirk Dagger - Becuase every Mexican that can run, jump or swim is already across the border!
(( Both men laugh ))
Dirk Dagger - I got a question Shawn.... how would you like to join me for this weeks *Heavenly Chimes* Extremly Late Show Weekend Exclusive?
Shawn Armstrong - If i'm not booked to get laid somewhere else, count me in!
((The men in the audience cheer as Shawn nods in approval ))
Dirk Dagger - There you have it foks we will me right back after these commercial break with a very non-dead Shawn Armstrong!
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A Commercial for Spam is shown, followed by a Dirk Dagger "Don't Try This at Home" Commerical
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Dirk Dagger - Ladies and Gentlemen, this week in the fictional news business has been a crazy week to say the least.
Shawn Armstrong - The very least!
(( Dirk rotates his chair to face a new camera shuffling a stack of cards in his hand ))
Dirk Dagger - First of all we have a tall tale of Insanity. Rumors have been floating around that Big Daddy Deuce was spotted choking and verbally harassing a elderly nun. Apparently the old nun took his favorite parking spot moments before he got there and he immediately snapped... now call me a monkey's uncle but I bet the word RESPECT was used at least 5 or 6 times... 5 or 6 hundred that is....
(( The camera focuses on Shawn ))
Shawn Armstrong - In true but pointless news, former EWA Star Condemned is currently being charged for attempted murder. During his trial this poor misguided sole pleaded guilty and begged for the electric chair. Give the poor guy a break, I would wanna be dead if I was that ugly to!
(( The camera pans back to Dirk ))
Dirk Dagger - Have YOU ever wondered what a psychic hotline could do for you? Lets listen in on one very satisfied customer...
(( Dirk puts on his best Mexican accent ))
Dirk Dagger aka The Tooth - Yo Essa man, you there?
Shawn Armstrong aka Shazam - Yes, I great Shazam is hear... what do you need child?
The Tooth - I mean like whats gonna happen on el Tuesdayo....Am I going to get the victory essa?
Shazam - Let me look... I have good news and bad news for you... which would you like first?
The Tooth - Shazam man, like let me here the bad essa!
Shazam - Someone by the name of the Chosen One is going to decimate you on a tv show, leaving you a brutally battered and badly burnt... you will not only lose the contest, but you will lose your dignity!
The Tooth - Oh Shite, Like what the good news essa?
Shazam - Taco Bell burritos are dropping to 70 cents a piece...
(( The camera focuses in on Shawn Armstrong ))
Shawn Armstrong - Some more breaking news for you... TNT is a alcoholic and Divine is a flaming homosexual... what the hell? I thought this was fictional news! Ever wonder why Leon Sharpe is called the terminator? It's cause he can take it in the corn shoot like a robot! Bada Bing!
(( Dirk stiffles a laugh and continues on ))
Dirk Dagger - EWA Superstar Sakyo Kyuma is now a proud supporter of Glad Tupperware! He has gone as far as throwing out every GLASS plate and bowl he owns and has switched completely to cups... is it just me or does this seem to be a sign that something terrible happened... oh and Sakyo... how is your back?
(( Shawn smiles ))
Shawn Armstrong - Recently the Wildman checked his son Sid Luscious in to a mental hospital after finding a dead kitten under his bed, well... what was left of the road kill victim anyways.... I am surprised the Wildman didn't notice the smell before hand... it has only been rotting under there for YEARS. In Wildman's defense, his house always smells like that...
(( Shawn smiles and grabs his pretend ear piece ))
Shawn Armstrong - This just in! Sid and Wildman are reportedly very upset with me... well EWA, welcome them to the club...
(( Shawn smirks as Dirk flips through his cards ))
Dirk Dagger - Recently Tiki Tortez was over heard stating I, Dirk Dagger was a lower classed wrestler, and wished I was put out of the game... well at least I am not the man who was knocked out for 6 freakin months by a man who doesn't even wrestle in this industry... look at the winning percentage buddy.. watch who your talking to....
(( The camera pans over to Shawn who is looking amazed ))
Shawn Armstrong - OH MY GOD! We haven't heard from the Underlord in 8 days now!
Dirk Dagger - You gotta be kidding me! All that puking must have strained his vocal chords!
(( They both laugh ))
Shawn Armstrong - Speaking of puking, Johnny Havok wasn't spilling his guts so to say because of alcohol...
Dirk Dagger - He wasn't?
Shawn Armstrong - No! Underlord just hasn't learned what exactly a shower is for yet!
(( The camera zooms in on Dirk ))
Dirk Dagger - Max Starr has bestowed himself the Given One... which is a joke because we never wanted him in the first place!
(( Dirk smiles ))
Dirk Dagger - You know what is puzzling me Shawn?
Shawn Armstrong - What is that Dirk?
Dirk Dagger - How a guy with a name like c4 has never held the Extreme Title!
Shawn Armstrong - Oh yeah?
Dirk Dagger - Yeah it is crystal clear to me that he EXTREMLY sucks at EXTREMITY!
(( Shawn smiles ))
Shawn Armstrong - OH NO! Pegasus Warrior is back! A Freakin Horse with wings! RUN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
(( Dirk chuckles ))
Dirk Dagger - Eric Walther has returned with a new bad ass look! Unfortunately for his skills, this is a same shit different pile scenario!
(( Both men laugh ))
Dirk Dagger - Oh and yeah... Nick Diamante is the one from Wrestling Purgatory, USA....
Shawn Armstrong - and his restaurant sucks to....
Shawn Armstrong - Last but not least.... I am your RoleModel...
Dirk Dagger - I am the Chosen One and this has been your weekend exclusive!
(( Dirk stands up and looks at the camera ))
Dirk Dagger - Coming up next I have a very special geust! After these messages.... we will be riiiight back!
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A commercial advertising Rogain is shown, followed by a Viagra advertisment and a EWA PPV ad
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Dirk Dagger - We are back and better then ever ladies and gentlmen! Now for my next geust I have a treat for you ladies and gentlmen, I need for all you smiling faces to be very kind to the next geust, and don't make any sudden motions or he might snap.... this man has just lost something very special to him and he is kind of touchy feely at the moment... Ladies and Gentlmen The Owner, er I mean former owner of the EWA MR. Tom Stone!
(( Thoughtless by Korn plasts over the speakers as a unshaven Tom Stone walks out, mustard stains cover his last Armani suit as he calmly sits in his seat, Dirk looks shocked ))
Dirk Dagger - Um.. Mr. Stone... how long has it been since you have seen some light, your turning into somewhat of a hermit.... are you upset about something?
Tom Stone - Upset about something? UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING?!?! ARE YOU FUCKED?!?! I JUST LOST MY FUCKING COMPANY, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY?!?!?! YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH DAGGER, BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A HERMIT OF YOUR OWN GRAVE!!!!!
(( The crowd gasps ))
Dirk Dagger - So you are so upset you can't shave....
(( Dirk sniffs Stone ))
Dirk Dagger - Or Shower?
(( The crowd laughs as Dirk smiles ))
Tom Stone - Of course not! I could care less! As of right now... I'm a god damn homeless, jobless bumb! Who the hell do I have to impress? The fucking street lights? Fuck that! First things first.... I'll get my company back, kick Nick Diamante out of it, THEN shave and take a shower!
Dirk Dagger - Fine by me... so I take it you are going to show up on heat and listen to what Diamante has to say?
(( Tom looks at Dirk funny ))
Tom Stone - I will obviously listen to what he has to say! He's got what I want.... so I must listen! Whether I give into his demands or not is a completely different story. And if you keep up with these rediculous questions, another thing I'll do when I get my company back... is book a No Holds Barred Match between MYSELF and YOU, Dirk Dagger! So get on with the REAL questions!
(( Dirk laughs ))
Dirk Dagger - Your all talk... either that or just stupid... which makes the mind wonder... are you the idiot who booked me in a match with the Truth on Heat? Do you want to get the man killed! I mean look at me... I am the CHOSEN ONE and you expect me to wrestle a little mexican jumping bean?
Tom Stone - Any idiot would know that the BOOKING COMMITEE signs all the matches! But you, obviously, are a slow-minded asswipe. See... the booking squad put you in this match because The Truth has ben a thorn in our sides since DAY ONE! So... we put him in an Extreme Rules match that he WANTS to win, and we hope that he will kill you, and you'll kill him! Then we benefit in two ways!
(( Dirk smirks ))
Dirk Dagger - I am sorry I dont have a say in what goes on in the EWA.... oh wait a minute! You don't either! Hell, right now Stone... I am making a lot more money then you.... so pay your respects! If you want another stupid question... is it hot in the boiler room?
Tom Stone - Of course it is you bafoon! By the way DIRK, I MADE YOU! I SURE AS HELL CAN BREAK YOU! So you better pay me my damn respects!
Dirk Dagger - How can I respect a man who smells like sewer water, Vodka and Dead hookers all at once.... NOW if it is so hot in the boiler room... there is a good chance SOMEONE might get burnt on Heat *cough* TRUTH *cough* ?
Tom Stone - .........SOMEONE IN HERE IS GOING TO BE BURNT IN ONE SECOND!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((Stone gets up, and whips his chair at Dirk Dagger! Dagger catches the chair, and throws it on the floor! He begins to approach Stone.... but Stone pulls out a bottle of something and sprays it at Dagger!))
Dirk Dagger - MY EYES!!!!!!!
Tom Stone - TAKE THAT, YOU PRICK!
((Tom Stone runs off the set, as far as he can from Dagger! Just then.... Dagger realizes it was only WATER that Tom squirted at him!))
Dirk Dagger - I should have known.... Tom can't afford anything but water these days.... Well that's all we have for tonight folks! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have! I hope you all witness me beat th eliving hell out of the Truth this week on Heat. Tune in next time where I am sure this will be just as..um...just as "interesting"...
(( The Credits begin to role as the TV goes fuzzy ))
(( BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ))
...No Signal...
(( BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ))
