I don’t know why I’m writing this, I don’t know what I want to say to you. I think more than anything I just want you to understand me better. I find it so difficult to express my feelings to anyone I guess it’s just easier to write it down. Gives me time to think about it.

My dad comes from a posh background, stiff upper lip and all that. He went to boarding school from the age of ten and only saw his parents at summer holidays. His real dad died when he was about 7. I see so much of myself in him it’s scary. For a long time I thought he didn’t even love me, he has never shown it. I saw hardly anything of him when I was little, he works so hard. I’ve only seen him cry once in my whole life. I’m like him, sometimes I just want to run away when things get too emotional.

The more I think about it the more it hurts cause I see myself ending up like that. I feel sorry for him too cause he only knows love, he doesn’t let himself feel it.

I was the first child in my family and when my sister was born I felt that she got all the attention. For a while I did things to try an get attention but my mum got angry with me for it. Eventually I ended up shunning her completely whenever she tried to show me any love, it was my way of getting more attention. To this day I still can’t let myself feel any love from her.

It’s a horrible place to be not being able to feel any love from either parent.

Sometimes it’s alright though, sometimes I don’t think about it. I can ignore that part of myself, the part that needs to love and be loved, deny it’s existence like my dad. It helps you forget that you feel so alone. Smoking weed helps you forget too. I’ve smoked weed almost everyday since I was 13.

I remember when I was 12, it was the day after my birthday and I’d made my younger brother cry for some reason. My dad forced me to apologise to him but because I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong it didn’t sound very sincere so he smashed one of my birthday presents right there and then. It sounds silly now but at the time I was heartbroken that he could do something like that. I went to my room and cried, I felt like my life was breaking down around me and there was nothing I could do about it. So misunderstood, no-one in the world knew me, not even my parents. So frustrated, so alone. This is going to sound even more silly now and I don’t know why I did it but I ran into my bedroom wall….with my head, near enough knocked myself out. Lol, I’m laughing thinking about that now but at the time it was more serious. So yea, don’t know whether it was the pain or just serious brain trauma but it seemed to calm me down. I think you can probably relate to that cause I guess it’s like cutting yourself. There is a release in knowing that you do actually have some control over your life; you can end it. After that I went out in the freezing cold, sat in the middle of a field and cried my eyes out for hours and when I came back later it didn’t hurt that no-one had even noticed that I’d gone. Everything felt num and not from the cold.

Since then I’ve never let myself be hurt by anyone, never let myself feel anything for anyone. That’s why I’m so independent now, I can’t let myself be helped by anyone because I’m afraid they might hurt me if I let them in. My parents don’t even know that I got arrested and almost chucked out of uni for dealing weed. They don’t know anything about my life, I don’t tell them anything.

I am so lucky to have the friends I do, they are the only people I can talk to. Without them I think I would have gone crazy long ago. I think even they only know one side of me though. That’s why I love talking to you, I can show you the side of me that no-one else knows about.

Falling in love with you has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me! It makes colours seem brighter, the sky more blue, the birds sing more joyously. The part of me which I had forgotten about came back and reminded me just how good it is to feel alive!

Ecstasy does that for me too. It’s a weird drug, not like anything else. It doesn’t actually change you like weed or alcohol, it makes you more yourself. Dissolves all your inhibitions, every part of you that makes you hold back. You might remember me saying that I am in love with everybody and everything. Well this is true, I think everybody is in love with everybody else all the time, sometimes we just don’t see it. When you are on ecstasy it’s exactly like that, you see all the love you have for the world and everybody it in and all the love they have for you. There’s something that people call a comedown which happens when it wears off. I don’t think it makes you feel sad because it’s done anything to your bad to your brain, I think you feel sad because you feel love sick. That you’ve been a part of something so beautiful, seen the world as it really is and now that feeling has pasted you by.

I love being in love, I can’t go back to my old self anymore. Love is a dangerous thing though, I fall in love too easily. I’ve only ever been in love twice in my little life and it overwhelms me, I just don’t understand it. I have fallen so much in love with you it did actually hurt not being able to see you in person. I am better now, had time to think about it an that. I became a bit obsessed with you, I felt the only way I could feel good was to have you in my life. Now I’ve realised that I don’t need you in my life to feel good, I just really really want you cause you make it so much better.

I hope you don’t think that this letter is some desperate attempt to make you feel sorry for me cause it really ain’t like that. I think more than anything I just want someone to know the real me. Least if I get run over by a bus tomorrow I can say that someone in this world really knew me, you know?

I remember when I was younger and looking at adults out an about. They looked so lifeless. Walking about doing their daily routine, everyday the same as the next. I understand now why they look like that, sometimes life really can wear you down. I felt so sorry for them. I looked in their eyes and saw nothing staring back. I don’t want to become like that, I want to feel alive. I guess it comes down to a simple choice; get busy living or get busy dying. This world is a weird place, it holds so much promise, so much potential but so much pain and suffering as well. It’s like a film I saw said, “first you hate it, then you get used to it, given time you depend on it”. I don’t want to depend on the next day being the same as the last. I am so afraid of change and what might happen but the more I think about it the more I’m sure I just have to surrender life, take it as it comes. The good and the bad. You need the bad to appreciate the good. I’ve been hurt so much in my life, that’s why I appreciate love so much. I love that you love me, it makes me feel so complete, I feel like I can do anything! It’s funny but I think that’s why it’s so difficult for us to meet up, anything could happen. Ours lives are ours to lead, no-one else can tell you what to do or what to think, you just got to trust yourself. Trust that whatever you do will be the right thing.

So what do I think about you? I guess I should say something about the kinda person I think you are. Please don’t think that I’m trying to second guess you or judge you, I’m not.

I think you find it hard to trust people. I think you find it hard to trust yourself. Maybe it’s cause people have let you down in the past, said things they didn’t mean, done things that have hurt you. I dunno. I trust you, I would trust you with my life. I have so much faith in you it’s unbelievable. I talk to you and I feel the life in you, its beautiful! I don’t know how you feel about yourself, I think sometimes that you think that you aren’t as good as other people, that they’re better than you. I look at you and I know that you can do anything with your life, go anywhere, achieve anything! Maybe it’s cause I am so in love with you but I think you are amazing! Truly magical. I wish you could see what I see in you.

It really surprised me when you first said that you cut yourself. I couldn’t believe that someone so wonderful couldn’t see that wonder in herself. I couldn’t believe that your life could possibly be so bad that you’d want to end it. I felt so sorry for you cause I’ve been there before, I’ve just never taken in so far. It’s horrible to feel that the only thing you have to look forward to in life is death.

I felt really helpless that there was nothing I could do to make you feel better. If I could have done I would have taken all your pain and hurt upon myself, even if it meant feeling that bad myself. I’ve changed over the last few days, I accept it more. The pain in your life is something that you have to deal with yourself and I really can’t make it go away for you.

I think in time you will trust me more, trust yourself more. Realise who you really are and just how amazing that person is. There are still things about you that you don’t tell me. Like when you say you have a baby and then go all quiet on me about it. Confuses the fuck out of me :p I honestly don’t care whether you do or not, it doesn’t change anything for me but I understand that it would completely change your life if you had.

I don’t expect anything from you anymore, I’m just happy that your in my life at the moment. There are so many things that I hope for but nothing that I expect. I hope that some day I will get to feel the touch of your body against mine, to feel your warmth, feel your heart beating. To wake up in the morning and see your face starring back at me. I hope that we can be friends and just have fun together, jump up and down on the sofas in town listening to dnb, get chased out by the security guards! I hope someday that I do get to see you, to look into your twinkly blue eyes and hold you in my arms. I hope that I have given you something to smile about in your life.

I ain’t going to try and pretend what it feels like being in love with two people cause I never have been. I know it must be difficult for you and sometimes I think that it would be easier for you if you’d never known me. But I’m so glad we’ve got to know each other, you’ve changed my life! Maybe that’s a bit selfish but you and me feel so right I don’t know what to think.

I think it is probably a good idea that you don’t talk to me anymore, at least for a while. You need time to figure out your feelings and what you want to do and me being there doesn’t help that.

Whatever happens, whether you never talk to me again or we get married tomorrow, I want you to know that I am truly grateful that you’ve let me into your heart Helen. You have made me realise things about myself that I never would have otherwise. Made me realise that there is still hope left in this world. Made me feel loved for the first time in years!

I’m quite spiritual so I believe that if we’re meant to be together then we’ll end up together and it’s as simple as that, I don’t need to worry about it.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on I’ll always be here for you. I love you more than anything or anyone and I will never forget you, not tomorrow, not in a million years!

You will be in my heart forever angel.

xXx