Big Trouble At Castle Zoisite
or
The Wrong Cape Boy
written by Jamie Godley
a fictitious, make-believe,
what-if kind of a Sailor Moon fanfic
(this fanfic is rated PG/PG-13)
Like they always say...
...sequels never live up to the original. But that doesn't mean
they can't try. Hopefully this one will come close to its original: Nihao
My Sailor Scout, which was rated my best fanfic among my friends, and was a
total parody of Nihao My Concubine. Now without further adieu, here comes
its sequel, which is based on Nihao My Concubine's prerequisite, Ranma 1/2:
The Movie: Big Trouble in Nekonron, China. I know, the title I came up
with isn't as cute as Battle at Teenyweenyrininkyo: Rescue the Kidnapped
Cute Guys, but right off, the villain is introduced. At first, I was
gonna use Fiole from the Sailor Moon R Movie, but after thinking it out,
I shook my head. Nah, what would otakus think? So instead, rather than
making this some big love story where a man and woman are brought closer
together in the end, this is going to be some big love story where a man
and a man are brought closer together in the end, and for those of you
intellectually impaired, it means, duh, HOMOSEXUALITY!!! Yes, because
I've decided to use the straight Japanese names from now on in my fanfics
(my first using this was Dead Mask Walking, a real classic), that means the
genders are coming right out of the Japanese series, in other words: Zoi-
site is a male! And he still loves Kunzite (Yeah, I know, in Nihao My
Sailor Scout, Zoisite was female, but I just mentioned that why she's a
he now!)! Yeah, I know, real gross, huh? But it works. I mean, after
all, Akane got away with it with Kirin in the Ranma movie, so why not the
same premise here (Sorry, Emily, force of habit)? Well, as we all know,
Zoisite and Kunzite got this thing going on, and well, in this case, they
were kinda destined to be. Where do I come up with this stuff? Well,
anywho, Mamoru happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he
kinda gets mistook for Kunzite. Gee, how many times has that happened?
Well, all Zoisite had to go by was a cape. Tuxedo Kamen has a cape, so
badda-bing, badda-boom, start making plans, 'cuz Zoisite's found his dream
man! Hmm, maybe I shouldn't spoil anymore. I will mention however, that
for those of you who have read and thoroughly enjoyed Nihao My Sailor Scout,
some things will prevail:
1. Captain Umino
2. The S.S. Nausea
3. A cat fight between Minako and Naru over Umino
4. Usagi will prevail as the heroine
There might be some more re-occurring parts, but that's only because
this is the sequel! Gosh, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that
out. So, with no further delay, heeeeeeeeere's my latest fanfic!
(
As with any cat that had gotten a hold of his owner's Prozac (this
is a running joke that has appeared in 9 out of 10 of my fanfics), Artemis
was bouncing off the walls like nobody's business. Minako had finally had
it and had tossed him outside earlier that morning. With no other alterna-
tive, Artemis went crazy all over Tokyo. He had caused a few accidents by
running through the traffic, among other things.
Meanwhile, Mamoru was trying his hand at painting a beautiful por-
trait of, you guessed it, a rose. It was perfect. He had disconnected
his phone so Usagi wouldn't call him, and everything had been perfectly
quiet up until this crucial moment. If Mamoru were to screw up on this
part of the rose, it would be ruined. He took a deep breath and held the
easel with the greatest if ease. He slowly pulled the brush down the can-
vas. "Almost done," he murmured, "Soon...my masterpiece will be...don-
AAAAHHHHH!!!!" He dropped his easel. He was in utter shock. He looked
at his wrecked masterpiece, now on the floor, and a path of pink and green
paw prints all over the carpet, all over the sofa, all over the walls.
"The hell...?" He followed the path until it stopped on a psychopathic
white cat, who was known for being so sound and humble. "My work of art...
destroyed..." his had reached his boiling point. "Artemis...DIE!!!" Artemis
gulped and leaped out the window. Mamoru didn't waste anytime in following.
"You're gonna pay for this!" Artemis took off like a rocket as Mamoru gave
chase.
Ami watched as the two charged down the street. She had just fin-
ished going to the bookstore, but was disappointed because she couldn't
afford the latest installment of Space Botany & You: Advanced Edition.
As Mamoru passed her, she noticed a bulky square object fly out of his
pocket. Curious, she picket it up. "Hmm, hey, Mamoru-san! You dropped
your...well, hello," she flipped through his notes. Her eyes turned into
yen signs. "More than enough for the book!" Just as she was about to go
back into the store, the good Ami (perhaps the most predominant of the
two) popped up and said, "Ami-chan, you should know better. That's Mamo-
ru's hard-earned money, and it's wrong to steal!" But the bad Ami (yeah,
I know. Never thought you'd see those two words in the same sentence)
replied, "'bout time you listened to me! Take the money, and buy the frigg-
ing book! All Mamoru's gonna do is blow it on Usagi!" Ami tried to fight
the inner conflict. "I must restrain myself, mustn't spend the money." She
took off after the two. "Mamoru! You dropped something!"
Minako had gotten worried for Artemis. She hated throwing him out
like that, but he was going bonkers. She watched as Artemis, followed by
Mamoru, and then by Ami, who was waving around a wallet. "Can't even turn
my back on him for five minutes. Artemis, get back here!" As she turned
the corner, a rather handsome figure blocked her path.
"Minako-chan, come jump into my arms!" Umino yelled as he held out
his arms. Minako responded by knocking him off into the distance. "She may
hide her love, yet I know it's still there. I'll follow you, Minako, my love,
into the depths of hell itself!"
Artemis jumped up on the roof of a two-story home, as Mamoru shouted
out curses from below. He had finally wound down. "Whew, what's gotten into
him?" Artemis looked below. All of a sudden, he heard a bell jingle in the
horizon. He looked around, but saw nothing, until...
CRASH! Now Artemis was underneath the tire of a bike. The person
jumped off and removed the bicycle. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Artemis! It's my
first day on the job!" Makoto apologized as she held her take-out carton.
"You...got a job?" Artemis gasped.
"Sure did. At Nekohanten!" All this with a perky smile. Artemis'
jaw dropped.
"Do they, do they, do they cook cats?" Artemis asked uneasily.
"I dunno. Probably would explain why all those dogs were chasing
me earlier," Makoto sniffed the carton. Artemis nearly jumped out of his
skin, then he bolted off. "What's gotten into him? Artemis! I was only
joking!" She followed him.
(
"I said no and I mean no!" Rei smacked Usagi over the head with her
broom. "For the millionth time, the Sailor Earth (don't ask) manga is mine!"
"Please? Pretty please!" Usagi begged. "The main character is wick-
ed cool!"
"Sailor Earth!? But she's a whiny, flat-chested, uncoordinated,
bratty..." Rei trailed off. "She's just like you! Now give them back!" She
whacked Usagi in the back with her broom. Usagi hadn't expected this, and
accidentally dropped the manga in a giant mud puddle. "USAGI-CHAN!!!! My
manga!" She literally began to raise hell. Usagi ran off, and Rei followed
her, driven by rage.
Usagi tried to head her off on the main street, but Rei was much
more cunning than that. She saw Artemis running for his life far ahead,
followed by Mamoru, Ami, Minako, and Makoto, not to mention other various
characters, that were sure to pop up in the series sooner or later. Usagi
cut through a set of shops until she got up to the front.
"Usagi-chan, what's going on?" Makoto asked as Usagi shot by.
"Don't ask!" she panted.
"Get back here!" Rei charged after her.
Yuuichirou slurped up the last of his ramen. "Hmm, was that Rei who
just ran by, Grandpa?"
Luna grumbled. "That's the third time this week he's mistook me for
a bald-headed geezer. Yuuichirou, for gosh sakes, get a hair-cut!"
"Huh? Sheol1?" Yuuichirou took a closer look.
"No, you bloody twit! I'm a cat!" With that, Luna slashed him
across the face. He yelled in pain and ran outside, coincidentally after
the others. Luna jumped down and looked outside at the raging mob. "What
on Earth is going here? Don't tell me Rei and Usagi are having another
fight! I don't think Tokyo Tower is ready for World War Three!" She darted
off.
The chase continued for another few miles. Sakurada Haruna had
just finished buying an outfit for her big date that night when Usagi
accidentally ran her over. "Tsukino!!! I'm going to give you a detention!"
She wrung her fist in fury.
"It'll have to wait till school starts, Miss H!" Usagi joked as she
kept going. As Haruna got to her feet, Rei ran her over.
"Stupid juvenile delinquents!" Haruna barked.
"You can't run forever, Usagi!" Rei snapped.
"I can sure try!"
As the marathon continued for a few more miles, Usagi had a strange
feeling. Curious as to why many of the people behind her were screaming
and terror and being bumped off, she turned around. She shot ahead of ev-
eryone, in deep terror at the sight of the giant aura.
"What the hell?" Makoto wondered.
"That's some aura," Ami commented. She stopped to get a closer
look.
"Ami-chan, don't just stand there!" Minako grabbed her by the arm
and dragged her on. "We gotta keep going!"
Mamoru was still bent on getting Artemis. Right when he was about
to snatch him...BOOM!!!
(
"And I hope that Umino-chan will ditch that blond-haired bimbo and
come back to me," Naru wished as she rang the rope-thing at the temple. No
one was there, so she figured she could just come, do her thing, and leave.
"I don't know what that Umino sees in her."
As she turned to leave, she heard the sound of something that re-
sembled a crashing jet plane. She looked up and gasped. With no other
alternative, she ran inside the temple and hid. Too bad the temple was
ground-zero for the bombshells.
CRASH!!!
"So much for a relaxing vacation," Luna panted as she pulled her-
self out of the rubble. "As if getting stranded on a desert island wasn't
bad enough."
"Unnngh," Rei groaned as she sat up. She growled as she found
Usagi sprawled out over her lap. "Get offa me!" She punched her over.
"Are-are-are you alright, Rei-chan?" Yuuichirou asked with concern.
"Why dontcha ask her yourself," Mamoru said impetuously as he
shoved him out of the way.
Ami brushed herself off, but as soon as she stood up, she froze.
Makoto stepped up to her and waved her hand in her face. "Hello, Earth to
Ami."
"You again!" Naru huffed as she approached Minako.
"What!? What are you doing here?" Minako retorted.
"Praying that Umino would get rid of you!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!"
"Says you!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Take it as you will, tramp!"
"A what!? Why you!" Minako got into a fighting position. "Slut!"
"Prostitute!"
"Ooh, big word for someone with brains of oatmeal!" Minako snapped.
The catfight began. "Take that! Sailor V Kick!"
"Huh?" Makoto looked away to see the two fighting again. "Minako-
chan! How many times do I have to tell you, stop beating her up!" She
stepped in between them. A hand slammed hard against her face. She began
to grumble.
"Uh-oh," Naru and Minako uttered in unison.
"Whoever did that is gonna pay!" Makoto grabbed both of their
collars.
Ami finally snapped back into reality. "It's the giant aura again!"
She screamed.
"Sailor Senshi, hurry up and transform so you can fight it!" Luna
instructed.
"Moon Prism Power, Make-up!"
"Mercury Power, Make-up!"
"Mars Power, Make-up!"
"Jupiter Power, Make-up!"
"Venus Power, Make-up!" Eventually they were complete. Mamoru
decided to transform into Tuxedo Kamen just to be on the safe side.
"Show yourself!" Rei commanded.
"Very well," the aura replied.
"What!?" Usagi shrieked. "A talking aura!?"
"Relax, girls. It was just the aura of my spirit. I like to wreck
havoc on major cities every once in a while, just to keep in swing," the
man replied.
"Who-who-who are you?" Makoto gasped. He looks like my old boy-
friend, she thought dreamily.
"And where did you get that tan?" Minako asked obliviously.
"Definite risk of skin cancer," Ami reprimanded.
"Natural skin tone, I assure you," the man replied. He was tall,
with long white hair and a grey outfit. He had on a long, flowing grey
cape. "My name...is Kunzite." He eyes searched the area, until they fell
on Mamoru. "You there! The one with the cape, yes you! It's capes like
those that can ruin a man's life and dignity easily!"
"Come again?" Mamoru inquired. "My what?"
"All my life, I've waited for my one true love to come and take me
away," Kunzite explained. "They said, wear a cape, and I'll come for you.
So I did. And nothing has happened!" He tore his own cape off and ripped
it up. The girls exchanged glances of complete confusion. "DAMN THAT
ZOISITE!!! BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!!!" He shot
up his fist in anger. A giant crash of thunder and lightning sounded.
Makoto cringed and took a few steps back.
Instantly, a giant rumble sounded in the sky. Everyone looked up
to see a massive Good Year blimp hovering in the clouds.
"At last! Zoisite, you've come!" Kunzite was filled with delight.
"Huh?" Usagi slowly lifted her head.
"BEHOLD, THE DAY HAS FINALLY ARRIVED! THE DAY IN WHICH I, ZOISITE,
OF THE CASTLE OF THE SEVEN RAINBOW CRYSTAL CARRIERS HAVE COME TO TAKE THE
RIGHTFUL ONE WITH ME!"
"Speak of the devil," Rei muttered.
"AT LONG LAST I HAVE COME FOR THE ONE BEARING THE CAPE!" A shadow
approached the stern of the blimp.
"'bout frigging time!" Kunzite ran towards the blimp. "Take me away
with you, Zoisite, so we may at last be together!"
"Insolent dolt! I have no business with you whatsoever! You're
not wearing the cape!" Zoisite hissed. Kunzite turned deathly pale.
"Uh, Mamoru-san?" Makoto tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled
around. "Leave. Now."
"AHA! CAPE BOY, AT LAST WE CAN BE TOGETHER!!!" He motioned for one
of his lackeys to come to the stern. "Game Machine Man2! Get him!"
"Hah-hah-hah! Gonna catch me a big one!" Game Machine Man shot out
his grab-thing (like the ones in the Crane Game) and snatched Mamoru up by
the arm. He tried to break loose, but had no such luck.
"Mamoru-san!" Rei screamed as she ran for him. Usagi saw her runn-
ing and got into a starting position.
"You're not gonna get away with this, you dweesil!" With that, Usagi
pounced on Rei's head and propelled up to the blimp.
"Veena, eliminate her," Zoisite instructed.
Veena whipped out her quill pen and drew a boulder. Automatically,
a life-size boulder appeared, and aimed for Usagi, who was taken aghast in
mid-air. "To think you want to come along for a free ride, I don't take too
kindly to stowaways." Zoisite grunted.
"Usagi-chan!" Mamoru called out. Zoisite pressed him up against the
wall.
"Forget that name," he murmured.
Usagi fell through the sky, the boulder right above her the whole
time.
"Usagi!" Minako cried out in concern.
"Sailor Moon!" Luna yelled.
Rei was just getting to her feet. She saw a giant shadow form
above her, as she tried to get out of the way. Unfortunately, she couldn't
get too far. BAM!!! Now Rei was down again, with Usagi on her, and the
boulder on top of Usagi. Filled with aggravation, Rei shot up, and shoved
the boulder out of the way.
"What happened?" Usagi rubbed her head in pain. Rei seized her by
the collar.
"USAGI-CHAN!!! I WILL NOT BE USED AS A DOORMAT!!!" Rei screamed
with fury.
"No, no, no!" Kunzite tried to follow the blimp by foot as it set
off, but to no avail. "You got the wrong guy!" He ran off into the distance.
(
"CRIPES!" Yuuichirou screeched. "The temple is ruined! My master's
gonna kill me!" He immediately got to work at cleaning it up.
"There, that should do it," Ami said as she finished wrapping the
sterile gauze around Usagi's wrist. "Are you alright?"
"Damn that Zoisite!" Rei made a fist and madly pounded it into
the other hand. "Why did she hafta go an' take Mamoru-san like that?"
"Um, call me crazy," Minako sighed uneasily. "But I think that
Zoisite person was a male." Everyone crept back from her. "Well, they
seemed awfully flat for a girl, even an athletic or muscle-bound (which
I might add, this one didn't seem the type) girl! I mean, vmmm! Right
down! Flat as a board!"
"So is Sailor Earth," Usagi commented indifferently.
"She doesn't exist! She is a fictitious character!" Rei snapped.
"No, I believe Minako is right," Artemis said as a he appeared from
who-knows-where. "Our paths have crossed before."
"EH!?" Everyone grew closer.
"You've met this Zoisite before?" Ami asked. "But where?"
"This better be good, Artemis," Luna snorted.
"It all began when Luna and I first fell onto this planet from the
Moon Kingdom. We were separated, and I made it my prime mission to find
her, along with the Sailor Senshi. But apparently, the place I landed onto
was a giant, rocky island, kinda like Teenyweenyrininkyo. It's located
somewhere in the northern Pacific, up near Alaska. I was afraid to take
my chances with the fearsome waves, so I took shelter at the giant castle,
known as Castle Zoisite. It was cold, so I found myself a large cape to
keep warm with. Unfortunately, Zoisite found me, and claimed the cape I
was using was sacred. I wasn't gonna give it, no way, and I held onto it
for dear life. She motioned for one of her goons to fire me off via cannon,
and she succeeded, mind you. But I still had the cape.
"I woke up, in great pain, in the docks of Tokyo harbor. A young
man tended to my wounds as I regained my strength-"
"Kunzite, right?" Usagi interrupted.
"SHHHH!" Everyone hushed.
"-yes, it was him. Feeling I had no other way of expressing my
gratitude, I told him of my perilous mission at Castle Zoisite, and all
the value that was riding on the cape. I told him to take good care of
it, and that someone special would take him off to a faraway land if he
wore the cape. I didn't have the heart to tell him he would probably
never see this person. When Zoisite finally arrived though, it had been
so long since he had seen the cape, so he took the first person wearing
one, that being Mamoru," Artemis explained. He turned around to see the
others talking amongst themselves. "Hey! Weren't any of you paying atten-
tion?"
"I was," Ami replied. "Okay, let me get this straight. You took
some sacred cape, got fired over here to Japan, gave it to a man in ex-
change for taking you in, and while he may think it has some sort of sen-
timental value, you know it's worth a lot more, and now, because of your
insolence, Mamoru's been kidnapped," she summarized. Artemis fell over.
"Alright then, I'm going to Castle Zoisite and getting him back!"
Rei announced.
"Hah! That'll be the day! I remember your geography grades. You
can't even find Japan on a map, much less the USA!," Usagi retorted.
"That's here in Japan, right?" Rei tried.
"That's Usa!" Ami corrected.
"Whatever."
"I'm going with you. That Zoisite's gonna pay for what she, I
mean, he did to me," Usagi said.
"If Rei-chan is going, then I too shall go," Yuuichirou mentioned.
"Hey, if they get to go, I wanna go to," Minako chimed in.
"And I wanna go," Makoto replied.
"Count me in," Ami joined in. "I've always wanted to see the nor-
thern Pacific, not that we didn't come close a couple weeks ago."
"Oh, Mamoru will appreciate this greatly," Luna complimented. "He
is very lucky to have good friends like the Sailor Senshi!" She turned to
Artemis, who was slowly walking away. "What about you? Don't tell me
you're chickening out!" Her head became huge as she chewed him out.
"Alright, alright! I'll go!" Artemis responded fearfully.
Usagi decided to lead the others in a war chant, just to get the
adrenalin flowing. "Where are we going?"
"TO CASTLE ZOISITE!"
"What are we gonna do?"
"GET MAMORU BACK!"
"And how are we gonna get there?"
The four became silent and looked at each other, then at Usagi.
Makoto scratched her head. "I don't know, Usagi-chan, you tell us."
"Uhhh..."
"Ngh! Egh! Un-HAH!" A giant part of the wall fell down. "I never
thought I'd get through there! I, Umino Gurio, offer my unconditional
assistance!"
"Um, Umino," Minako looked down. "You could've used the door."
"Huh?" Umino gulped down the pain caused by his throbbing hands.
"Oh." He straightened himself up. "I freely offer the use of my family
vessel, the S.S. Nausea, for this perilous journey."
"NO WAY!" Rei yelled. "Remember what happened the last time?"
"Oh, that little thing, he-he," Umino laughed nervously. "I assure
you, it's been repaired, and juiced up for such emergencies!"
"Are you trying to say you've been waiting all this time for Mamoru
to get kidnapped just so you could use the boat?" Usagi wondered.
"I promise you, it won't get wrecked this time! This one will give
us more control in steering it in the right direction!" Umino explained.
"I guess we have no choice," Ami said in resignation and anxiousness.
"Then it's all set," Makoto responded. "WE'RE OFF TO CASTLE ZOISITE
TO TAKE ON THAT, um, PERSON AND THE SEVEN RAINBOW CRYSTAL CARRIERS!"
"YEAH!!!" Everyone cheered in unison.
"Oh, Minako-chan, it seems like old times. You, me, a steady boat
ride under the stars..." Umino nuzzled up against her.
"I can hardly wait," Minako gritted her teeth.
(
"Well, I can see we walked right into this ol' trick again," Makoto
moaned as the small rowboat sailed across the Pacific Ocean. "You alright,
Rei-chan?" Rei responded with a retching sound.
"It's not bad, Rei," Yuuichirou sympathized. "Feel the motion of
the boat, up and down, up and down, I feel a song coming on! _Row, row,
row your-"
"HRRRUGH!!!" Well, the song was over, much to everyone's delight.
However, Yuuichirou had a difference of opinion.
"Gee, you just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Usagi teased.
"Shaddup!"
"Ooh, we don't wanna get angry, now do we?" Usagi was treading on
thin ice.
"Usagi..." Rei made a fist.
"Aw, come on, you guys, this is neither the time nor the place!"
Minako chided.
"No way, not until Usagi's at the bottom of the Atlantic!" Rei
threatened.
"Um, that's Pacific." Umino corrected. The boat was beginning
to tip.
"Hey, everyone, if the boat's center of gravity changes too much,
WE'RE ALL GONNA GO OVERBOARD!!!!" Ami yelled. SPLOOOOOSH!!!
(
"Bring the Cape Boy forward," Zoisite commanded.
"Aw, c'mon! Leave me with Techniclan and Veena, okay?" Mamoru
persisted as he was pushed forward by Red Battler.
"Hmm, you're cute," Zoisite smiled.
"Um, you're cute too," Mamoru gulped. "I think." He looked over
to see the magazine sitting on Zoisite's lap. "Just outta curiosity, what
magazine is that?"
"Why, Playgirl, silly," Zoisite said saucily.
"Huh?" Mamoru almost choked. "Oh, for a moment there, I thought you
said Playboy. I'm just glad you're not one of those types that are gay and
look at magazines of naked guys."
"Is there a problem with that?" Zoisite twirled a lock of hair a-
round his finger.
"Well, yeah, I mean, it's, it's sick!" Mamoru shouted. He then
caught himself. Okay, Mamoru, let's have a reality check here. Something
tells me this is a guy rather than a girl, and that they are, ahem, homo-
sexual. Man oh man, I hope this is a dream. He turned to Zoisite. "Hey
you, pinch me."
"Hmm? Alright, if you insist," He went around and pinched Mamoru
on his posterior. Mamoru cringed insanely. "My, aren't we apprehensive."
"Not there, you sicko!" He screeched. Mamoru, he thought to him-
self uneasily. This is real. A little voice came on in his mind, Hey,
Mamoru, it's me, you're conscience. Hah-hah-hah! You're stuck on a Good-
year Blimp with a pack of gaywads who read Playgirl, and you gotta marry
their master! Boy, I'm glad I'm not you right now! "But you are," Mamoru
countered. Oh. "I'm really sorry, but I can this isn't gonna work out.
I'm sure you'll make a real good husband for some other guy, but you and
me, well, nuh-uh. Sorry."
"I'm afraid you can't turn back now," BoBo the Vulture declared from
behind.
"Wanna bet? I'm outta here," Mamoru turned to leave, but BoBo block-
ed his path.
"Oh, no you're not!"
"Take him to his quarters," Zoisite instructed. "He needs to let
this all sink in."
(
"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life," Rei muttered as
she drug Yuuichirou through the waters. Sure enough, they were without a
boat.
"It's not so bad," Ami replied as she shot by. "We'll hit land in
no time."
"That's easy for you to say," Makoto huffed. "You don't have a lead-
weight clutz, and two aqua-phobic felines on you."
"Hey, I got some good news," Minako said as she caught up with
them. "I think it's safe to assume we lost Umino."
"Minako-chan," a familiar voice uttered from behind.
"EEEK!!! Kill it!" Minako back-fisted him. "Mako-chan, got anoth-
er passenger!" She tossed the wet carcass over to Makoto.
"Look! A ship! We're saved!" Ami announced. Everyone's hopes
were up, until that is, they saw the captain.
"It's him! The one who started this whole fiasco!" Rei accused.
"Who cares!? Let's hitch a ride!" Minako swam forward, but was
knocked back.
"What the hell?" Makoto asked angrily. "Why did you knock her back?"
"You're the same girls that were with that jerk that Zoisite mis-
took for me!" Kunzite blared. "If you think for one moment I'm gonna let
you five giggly, squealing little teens onboard with me, then forget it-
huh? Where didja go?" He looked everywhere, but they were gone.
"Looking for us?" Rei asked with sass as they presented themselves.
Somehow, during his whole speech, they had snuck onboard the back way.
"How did you get onboard?"
"It's a little thing we do every now and then," Minako replied
sweetly.
"You're not allowed onboard!"
"Hey buddy, it's late, we're all tired, we gotta find Mamoru, our
boat *sunk,* you came along, so like it or not, you're stuck with us!"
Makoto jabbed her index finger into his chest.
"Hah, not if I have anything to say about it. I can take Zoisite's
minions on by myself!" Kunzite huffed.
"Look, we don't like this anymore than you do," Ami said. "Believe
me, ever since I met Tuxedo Kamen/Mamoru, I've been telling him to lose the
cape. It clashed with his roses. But what's done is done. Do you honest-
ly think you can handle seven warriors, not to mention Zoisite himself?
If we team up, we'll have a better chance of winning. There are seven of
us-"
"Six," Minako interrupted. "We lost Umino again."
"-six of us, plus you, and if we ever get Mamoru back, that's eight.
Eight on eight, it sounds pretty even to me," Ami explained. "And if Umino
ever comes back, that's, um, well, okay, that gives us eight and a half.
But still, consider that rather than seeing yourself black and blue from
trying to fight, which we all know is impossible." She finished with a
saucy smile.
Kunzite couldn't sense arguing with her, after all, she was a cer-
tified genius, and her logic was thorough. "Well-hmmph. Okay, then-hmmph."
Every time he had a good comeback, it wasn't good enough. "Fine. You can
stay." The gang cheered. Kunzite turned around and tossed them each an
oar.
"Huh? What's this?" Yuuichirou asked snobbishly.
"It's an oar," Kunzite replied without expression. "You row with it."
"I knew there was a catch," Makoto grumbled as she started rowing.
(
"Bring the Cape Boy to the breakfast nook," Zoisite commanded as
breakfast was set aboard the blimp.
"I don't wanna go!" Mamoru pleaded in the distance. Pox shoved
him right into the table, where he reluctantly sat.
"So, have you given it some time to sink in?" Zoisite sat fem-
ininely at the table. Veena served the food. "Tasty, is it not?"
"Shrimp?" Mamoru poked at it with disgust. "I hate seafood."
"Oh, I like shrimp," Zoisite replied with an annoying perk. "Shrimp
Kabob, Shrimp Scampi, Shrimp Gumbo, Shrimp-"
"Alright, alright," Mamoru motioned for him to stop. "Look, I'll
be frank. I'm straight."
"I have no problem with that," Zoisite responded obliviously.
"You'll learn to love me."
"No I won't."
"More and more people are switching to the alternative lifestyle
everyday," Zoisite informed.
"Not me," Mamoru shook his head. "I am sooo heterosexual..." App-
arently this wasn't enough to convince Zoisite. Mamoru put his head in
his hands. He had to get out of this madhouse. "Can I be excused?" he
asked pitifully. Before he could get a response, he marched out of the
room.
"What's with him?" Veena asked.
"Some men," Zoisite huffed. "They ridicule your food, they ridicule
your love life. They don't appreciate a thing!"
"Either the gay overtone goes, or I go," Mamoru grumbled as he went
to his quarters. On his way, he passed a set of doors, locked with thick
board. On the door in sloppy pain read: CLASSIFIED. "Hmm, maybe I can get
some help out of there..."
(
That night, while the crew slept, Mamoru snuck to the classified
room. With his trusty cane, he slashed the locks off. He jumped back,
expecting an alarm, but got nothing. "Hmm, this one seems too easy," he
thought as he crept inside. The light from the hallway showed through
the room as he walked inside. It was obviously a large room, given to
the fact that his voice echoed throughout. "What is this place?"
He continued to walk deeper into it, until he bumped into a stack
of something. Some of the items from the top fell on him. He picked it
up. It was a magazine of some sort. "What the-MY GOSH!!!" His eyes bugged
out. "This is Playgirl(!" He flipped through it madly. He whirled around
to see thousands of stacks, piled sky-high with Playgirls. "Gosh, I didn't
know they had made so many!" A lightbulb came on. "Hmm, perhaps if I...yes!
It's brilliant! There's more to life than being gay-huh?"
"Who goes there?" A voice commanded from the doorway. It was Zoi-
site, and his minions.
"Ah, just the person I was looking for!" Mamoru grabbed a special
edition of Playboy he had kept stored away in his cape and approached
Zoisite.
"What do you think you're doing with my magazines! They are for-
bidden!"
"Like hell I'd touch those awful things! I've got the ultimate
weapon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
"Oh, and what may that be?"
"THIS!" Mamoru shoved his Playboy in his face. "Read it and weep!
There's more to life than looking at naked men!"
"OOOHHH!!!" The minions hissed. "Don't do it, Master Zoisite!
Don't do it!"
"Relax, I can handle this," Zoisite motioned for them to stop.
Veena pulled him back.
"Please! You know the consequences!" She warned.
"Are you man enough?" Mamoru teased as he waved the magazine in the
air. Zoisite grabbed it and flipped inside. Everyone watched in anticipa-
tion.
"These...these...these are female!" Zoisite exclaimed.
"Well, duh," Mamoru smirked. "Alright, I've tortured you enough."
He reached for it, but he snatched it back.
"No! Saaay, what's this?" Zoisite curiously pulled out the center-
fold. "This is, this is, this is a real woman! This is what the female
body looks like!" He began to laugh madly.
"See? Homosexuality is so early 90's," Mamoru replied. "And
there's more where that came from! There's also Penthouse, Big'uns-"
"Ungh!" Zoisite reeled over. The magazine fell.
"Huh?"
"You fool! What have you done?" Veena helped her ailing master.
"Hey, I was just trying to help! I mean, there's more to life
than being a gay!" Mamoru argued.
"That's just it! Master Zoisite comes from a long line of homo-
sexuals, it's in his blood! Being exposed to the bare female body is
just like stabbing you with a knife!"
"I didn't know!"
"Playgirl," Zoisite muttered. "P-P-Playgirl!" He fell back again,
right onto Pox. He leaned over, right onto a lever. An alarm went off.
"That wouldn't be the lever that opens the floor, would it?" Ma-
moru asked nervously. He saw Zoisite's desperate face and leaped into
action. "I'll get you a frigging issue! How about a holiday one, or-
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
The bottom opened, and all the magazines began to spill out. Zoi-
site ran after him, unfortunately, as Pox pulled the lever back, it was
too late. A few magazines fluttered to the ground, but Zoisite and Mamoru
were gone.
(
The girls (still in Sailor form, as they will probably be till fur-
ther notice) were taking a break from all the rowing. Yuuichirou and Umino
took over. "Ah, but why must I man the oars?" Umino nagged.
"I dragged your drowned carcass from the sea, that's why!" Kunzite
barked.
"Say, what do you think those falling objects are?" Minako pointed
up. Makoto grabbed a magazine.
"WOW!!! Playgirl! Cute guys wearing dang near nothin'!" She ex-
claimed.
"Not those, the two big ones."
"They look like," Ami squinted her eyes. "It can't be! It's Mamoru
and that Zoisite person!" The group watched as the two bodies splashed into
the icy waters.
"Mamoru-san!" Usagi jumped in after him.
"My Zoisite!" Kunzite jumped in after his man.
"Rei-chan, why didn't you go?" Minako asked.
"What, and mess up my hair?"
"Look!" Ami pointed up. "It's a giant net!" The net went into the
waters and successfully retrieved Usagi, Mamoru, Kunzite, and Zoisite. "Usagi-
chan!"
"Usagi!" Luna cried out.
"Oh no! What horrible misfortune!" Artemis yelled.
"This is all your fault," Makoto popped her knuckles. "And you're
gonna go up there and get them back! Get 'em, girls!" Within seconds,
Artemis was tied up with a rope. "ALLEY-OOP!" Makoto tossed him up, and he
clasped onto the blimp.
(
"Master Zoisite!" The minions yelled as the net came back into the
blimp. "Hmm, it seems the number of love slaves has increased!" All of a
sudden, the intruder alarm went off.
"More intruders!" BoBo motioned for the others to go out. The room
cleared.
"Why do I bother?" Artemis panted as he clung to the side. "I've
gotta rescue Mamoru and Usagi!" Using the last of his strength, he jumped
onboard, but he was pulled back. "What the-" he peered over. Hanging onto
the rope, in order of highest to lowest, Luna, Ami, Minako, Makoto, Rei,
Yuuichirou, and Umino. "I can't win." Instantly, he yanked on the rope, and
the gang flew up, and landed onboard, face to face with the minions.
"Give back Mamoru!" Rei commanded.
"And Usagi!" Ami added.
"You're gonna hafta get through us first!" Game Machine Man got into
a stance.
"It's us versus them!" Minako yelled. "Let's go!" It was every person
for their own self.
"How's it going, Mamoru?" Usagi asked as she hung upside down in
the net.
"Usagi-chan! You came!" Usagi swore she saw tears in his eyes.
"It was awful! They're all gay!"
"Well, if you hadn't worn your stupid cape, we wouldn't be in this
predicament!" Usagi accused.
"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Mamoru narrowed his eyes as they watch-
ed Kunzite nuzzled against Usagi. He was delirious, bigtime.
"Oh, my lovely..."
"So, you're the only one for me, Mamoru. No one can replace you,
Mamoru," Mamoru mimicked. "Hah!"
"Eh?" Usagi tried to push him off, but the net suddenly snapped,
and the four fell out.
"Where am I?" Zoisite felt groggy as he got to his feet.
"Huh? My Zoisite, are you alright?" Kunzite tried to comfort
him.
"Who are you?" Zoisite asked disdainfully.
"I'm the one you are supposed to be with! I had the actual cape!
His is generic! You never came so I assumed you never will! I'm the right
one for you!" Kunzite pleaded.
"Liar. Mamoru is the only one for me," Zoisite looked away.
"Hey, hey, I don't mind," Mamoru squeaked. "Take him, please."
"Are you dense?" Usagi wondered. "Kunzite was kinda destined for
you, Mamoru-san ain't the right guy!"
"Hah," Zoisite smirked. "Mamoru bared the cape, so it is only by
prophecy that he comes to be my love slave."
"No way!" Usagi was getting annoyed. "There's no way I can let you
take Mamoru from me!"
"Why is that?"
"He and I...he and I," Usagi took a deep breath. "We're betroth-
ed!"
�DRAMATIC PAUSE�
"We are?" Mamoru repeated. Usagi nudged him. "Oh yeah, I comple-
tely forgot! Usagi-chan, my soon-to-be wife!" Zoisite rolled his eyes.
"Please, don't give me that load of crap," he replied.
"I am not gonna give him up," Usagi sneered. "If you take him..."
"If I take him..."
"Both of you will..."
"And both of us will what?" Kunzite gulped. What sort of death
threat will she conjure up, he thought.
"DIE, BECAUSE A STRAIGHT AND A HOMOSEXUAL CAN'T BE MARRIED!!!"
Usagi screamed.
"By golly, she's right!" Mamoru perked up.
"Shaddup, it can happen!" Zoisite barked. His fatigue finally re-
caught up with him. "Oh, the horror of those bodies." He fell into Mamoru's
arms.
"Aw hell, I give up," Usagi turned heel and charged off. "You two
can try all you want, I really don't care!"
"Uh, I'll be back!" Kunzite waved his fist and followed.
"Usagi-chan, wait!" Mamoru dragged Zoisite as he went out.
"Urawa Ryo, I can hardly wait," Ami got into a pose. She still
resented taking Ryo with her on the boat ride from hell a couple weeks
before. Now she was battling him again, in his true form, as Bumboo.
"Shaban Spray!" But it wasn't enough. She was pummeled within seconds.
"You can't dodge my fire forever!" Rei yelled to Veena. "Fire Soul!"
Veena took her quill pen and drew out a wire to tangle Rei. It worked, by
golly, and Rei was bound to the deck.
"I want my mommy!" Yuuichirou and Umino screamed as Red Battler and
Game Machine Man loomed over them. They hugged each other for dear life.
The two wasted no time in disposing them.
Luna and Artemis teamed up against Pox, but they lost. Minako lost
against BoBo. Makoto tried to play Miss Macho against Techniclan but was
knocked right up against the stern. Usagi and Kunzite came out just in time
to see their fallen comrades all over the place. They ran over to their
sides.
"Drop the interlopers into the sea!" Zoisite commanded. Veena
nodded and pulled the lever as the hatch opened the gang fell out, Usagi
and Kunzite among them.
"Nooo!" Mamoru tried to stop her, but it was too late. He peered
over to see about nine splashes in the waters below. Zoisite pulled him
back inside.
"Whew, that was close," Usagi wiped the sweat off her forehead as
she held onto the rope ladder that just *happened* to fall out with them.
The others managed to hold on as well. They weren't gone just yet.
(
"Are you, um, feeling any better?" Mamoru asked as he peered inside
Zoisite's room. He was lying in bed, still ill from seeing the pictures.
"I'm sorry I showed you that magazine. I had no idea."
"It's not your fault-"
"Oh, thank goodness. For a moment there, woo!" Mamoru let out a
sigh of relief.
"You thought you were doing the right thing. When you acted *str-
aight*, when you showed me your *magazines*, you did it just for me, am I
right?"
"Uhhh..." Mamoru trailed. "I wasn't acting. I really am straight.
I got a girlfriend, the one that claimed we were betrothed a while back."
He clenched his fists. "She'll be back. And when she challenges you next
time, she'll win."
"She'll come for me, but not for you?"
"Huh?" Mamoru was dumbfounded. "Hey, that's not what I meant! I
mean, she wouldn't come just to fight you! She'd come to rescue me, as
well!"
"Oh, I wouldn't necessarily say that..."
"Usagi will come for me, I assure you of that."
"Usagi? Oh, you mean, that girl calling your name back in Japan?
No, wait a minute, that can't be right, we just dumped her off in the sea!
And her friends as well!" Zoisite managed a weak smile and climbed out of
bed. "My dearest Mamoru, you know you want me."
"Like hell I do!" Mamoru shot back. "As much as I want a lobo-
tomy!"
"I can see you're the stubborn type," Zoisite's look of adoration
turned into viciousness. "Perhaps you'd like the same fate as your trauma
team back there? I can make it happen!"
"No!" Mamoru shook his head. Zoisite turned and headed for the
door.
"We'll be arriving on my island is a short while. If your friend
Usagi re-challenges me (and I seriously doubt that), and I defeat her, I
will let you come to me of your own free choice. Prepare for landing." He
left the room.
Mamoru followed him with his eyes. Somehow he reckoned he had only
dug himself deeper into the dilemma.
(
"Are we there yet?" Usagi whined as she continued to hang on.
"Soon enough," Kunzite replied from below. "Soon we'll hit Castle
Zoisite."
"This ride is taking forever!" Makoto began to whine as well.
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch," Artemis retorted.
"You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you!" Luna
chided.
"I think we've made that clear," Minako added.
"I think I see it!" Ami squinted her eyes and saw in the distance,
a huge, lumbering tower, with different wings jutting out on every angle.
"That has to be it!"
"Oh, Ami, give it a rest. You said that about the last six islands,"
Rei snorted. "Even Teenyweenyrininkyo!" Ami blushed.
"No, I think Ami is right," Artemis responded. "I'd recognize that
place like the back of my paw." Ami gave Rei a raspberry. Rei flipped the
bird in return.
"Uhh, correct me if I'm wrong," Makoto began nervously. "But those
things up ahead wouldn't happen to geysers, would they?"
"I think Mako-chan's right," Minako replied urgently. "Everyone--
hold on tight!"
"What did she say?" Usagi screamed over the sound of the water.
"Hold on!"
"What? Doldrum?"
"HOLD ON!!!"
"Cold rum? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Usagi screeched as she flew
off the ladder, and into the geyser.
"USAGI-CHAN!!!" The girls screamed.
"She'll for sure get herself killed in that treacherous current,"
Kunzite acknowledged.
"Well, no DUH!!!" Yuuichirou shot back. "And I'm going after her!
Coming, little buddy?" Somehow, a bond had formed between him and Umino.
"Sure thing!" The two jumped off, like skydivers.
"Like hell I'm staying here!" Makoto grabbed Rei by the arm and
took her with her.
"Hey! I ain't going unless Ami is going too!" With that, Rei wrap-
ped her arm around Ami's ribcage and pulled her down.
"Come on, Minako!" Luna flew off. Kunzite drew back his newly-
mended cape (it's amazing what some people can do while hanging from a
Goodyear Blimp) and took the dive.
"One moment!" Minako pried Artemis from the rope ladder and leaped.
"Can't leave our ringleader behind!" And so, like the amazing flying Elvises,
the group hurled themselves into the twisting torrents of the geyser from
hell.
(
"Master Zoisite, we've reached the castle," Techniclan announced as
the crew stood on deck.
"Very well. Proceed," Zoisite and Mamoru watched as ZING!, the
seven were over the side. "You, Cape Boy, are coming with me. We have to
prepare."
"Prepare? For what?"
"What else? Our wedding!" He watched as Mamoru became incredibly
stunned, then he blacked-out. "Hmm, that's odd. Oh well, whatever works.
Personally, I was thinking of drugging him into saying yes, but I guess
this is even better." He lugged the comatose Mamoru over his shoulder and
jumped off.
(
"Usagi! Wake up! Come on!" Rei shook her shoulders, but received
no response. "Wake up, now, you good-for-nothing piece of-"
"Do you really think verbally bashing her is gonna wake her up any
faster?" Minako wondered. "Well, you have to admit, she probably hit down
pretty hard. We were prepared, she wasn't."
"Alright, I was afraid to do this, but I guess I have no choice,"
Umino rolled up his sleeves and got down on all fours. "Step aside ladies,
Umino Gurio, certified in CPR and First Aid!" He inhaled, and prepared to
give Usagi mouth-to-mouth.
"EEEEK!" Usagi squealed suddenly, as Umino was preparing to plant
a big wet on her. "I think I'm gonna throw up!"
"It's about time!" Makoto helped her up. Umino sat up, slightly
disappointed.
"Say, Minako-chan, wanna play Rescue 911? You be the victim, I'll
be your dashing rescuer!" Umino raised his eyebrows.
"I got a better idea. Why don't you be the victim, and I'll be
the rescuer," Minako replied slyly. "But in order for me to save you, you
gotta be in peril. Now...go jump off that cliff!" She pointed over to one
facing the rough waters.
"You can count on me! When it comes to being helpless, I wrote the
book!" Umino ran off.
"Whatta maroon," Ami sighed. As the remaining group started on
their way, a giant boulder crashed in their path.
"The heck-?" Makoto flipped it over, revealing a note taped to it.
She ripped it off. "It's in some sort of strange code."
"Leave it to me," Kunzite snatched it from her grasp. "Ohh, it's
written by my dear Zoisite!"
"Shaddup and read the frigging letter, Casanova," Rei said impa-
tiently.
"Hmm, okay. Onight-tay, at-hay e-thay eak-pay of-hay is-thay ery-
vay island-hay, Oisite-zay ill-way arry-may Iba-chay Amoru-may, in-hay e-
thay ustic-ray Astle-cay Oisite-zay. All-hay ose-thay o-whay ish-way o-
tay oin-jay in-hay is-thay omentous-may asion-occay, ease-play eet-may
uards-gay ong-alay e-thay ay-way." He turned around to see everyone's faces
showing utter stupefaction, everyone except for Ami.
"So, in other words, Zoisite's challenging us? There are probably
guards set up along the way, and they'll distract us while Zoisite ties
the knot with Mamoru," Ami translated. Everyone's looks of confusion
turned into surprise.
"You got that from that!?" Makoto asked in shock.
"I always sucked at Pig Latin," Minako raised a finger to her
temple.
"We can't waste anymore time standing around! Mamoru needs us!"
Yuuichirou bolted off, but subsequently, in the wrong direction.
"Yuuichirou-san! That's the wrong way!" Rei chased after him.
Usagi was still confused.
"Um, Usagi-chan, aren't you the least bit angry?" Luna asked.
"Why?"
"Didn't you just hear Ami? Zoisite's going to marry Mamoru!" She
hesitated as Usagi comprehended all this.
"He's what!?" Usagi turned red with anger. "That does it! Is he
gonna get a piece of my mind!" As the other began to follow, Usagi motioned
for them to stop. "No way. I'm doing this alone. Except for you, Kunzite.
You want Zoisite, so you come along. And you two, Luna, Artemis, you two
come along as well."
"We're second to cats now?" Makoto huffed as the two cats scurried
by.
"Hey, when your man gets kidnapped by a queer, then you can pick
your own team! Now if you'll excuse us, we're gonna go kick some homophile
hinders!" They darted off.
"So, whaddya wanna do?" Minako asked.
"I dunno. Say, read any good books lately?" Makoto asked, des-
perately trying to start a conversation.
"Well, actually, I just finished-"
"Aw screw this! I'm gonna go follow, like it or not!" Makoto cut
Ami off to join the others. Minako started to follow, but Ami pulled her
back.
"What about your dweeb in distress?" Ami grinned as Minako's look
of annoyance and pity.
"You just had to bring that up, didn't you," Minako sneered as Ami
ran off to join Makoto.
(
Usagi and her band of fellow rescuers finally approached the first
small castle. "Ah, the little virus advances," Game Machine Man poised
his Super Scope( and got a glimpse of the group. "I, Game Machine Man,
champion of the Negaverse, will delete her!"
"Why can't the first one be a weakling?" Usagi whined as she char-
ged at him.
"Oh, waaahh," Kunzite smirked and shot a wave of energy at the
beast.
"You never told me you could do stuff like that!" Usagi beamed,
grateful.
"You never asked." Kunzite replied boldly.
"Hah! You think you can stop me!?" Game Machine Man taunted. "Puny
mortals, feel my wrath!" He sent an energy blast at the four, a much more
powerful one than Kunzite's.
"Oh damn." Just when all hope seemed lost...
"GANG WAY!!! I GOT A BOMB!!!" Umino ran like hell into the scene,
carrying a bomb with a short fuse. Unfortunately, he tripped and the bomb
(Are wondering where and how he acquired this? Figure it out for yourself)
flew from his grasp. Everyone was stunned, but only Usagi and her comrades
were smart enough to vacate the premises. Game Machine Man and Umino were
both blown the smithereens in the blast.
"What was the point of that?" Luna asked obliviously.
"I have no idea," Kunzite shook his head. "I don't even know of
that was helping us or not."
"Hey!" A voice called from behind.
"Huh? Minako!?" Usagi called back.
"Did Umino get obliterated in that blast?"
"Uh, yeah."
"YEESSSSS!!!" Minako whooped with joy. "I'm free! I'm free!"
(
"What is this place? It's like a giant nightmare," Usagi shudder-
ed as she saw the place. The building seemed to adorned with larger-than-
life math symbols, like +s, -s, (s, etc. The group cringed a few times
before attempting to enter. Noticed that I used the word attempting,
because a giant thing blocked their path. "Who are you?"
"Bumboo." the object grunted.
"No, who are you?"
"Bumboo." again the object grunted.
"Do you speak Japanese? Who...are...you?"
"Bumboo."
"I give up! I'm just gonna pass-KAAAABAAAAAAAMMM!!!" The thing
socked Usagi in the kidneys, and she flew backwards.
"Alright, you big, ugly, son of a-BAM!" Kunzite rammed his fist
into the monster. "EEEYAAAAHHH!" He wrung his fist in pain. "Heh-heh-heh,
I hope I wasn't too out of line with that big, ugly crack." Next thing he
knew, Bumboo grabbed him the cape and flung him off into the distance. He
grunted and turned to Luna and Artemis, who crouched back in the shadows.
Artemis arched his back and sneered.
"Make myself look bigger, make myself look bigger," he muttered.
"Leave them alone, Ryo!" a high-pitched voice yelled in the back-
ground.
"Sailor Mercury!" Usagi yelled as she keeled over. Bumboo grun-
ted some more.
"SHABAN SPRAY!!!" Ami yelled, and out came her array of bubble-
thingies. She managed to keep this spiel up long enough to actually
rust him.
AND RUST HE DID, & HE CONTINUED TO RUST UNTIL HE COULD RUST NO
MORE.
"Gee, that was better than finding the magic staple in my okono-
miyaki!" Usagi smiled as she joined Ami.
Ami sighed. "Usagi, that was not a magic staple, Kuonji Ukyo just
said that to shut you up."
"What!?" Usagi shook her hands in agony. "NOOOO!!!"
"Come on, we must keep going," Kunzite grabbed her by the arm and
led her on. Luna and Artemis followed.
"My whole life revolved around that magic staple!" Usagi wailed
as they walked into the distance.
"Artemis? What's with your back?" Luna asked with concern (and
sarcasm).
"I'm permanently arched."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Want me to make you feel better?"
Luna nuzzled up against him and purred.
"So, does this mean you don't want to be platonic anymore?" Arte-
mis wondered slyly. WHAM!!! Luna slammed her paw on his spine, fixing
his altered state, and then ran ahead. "EEESH!! Say, I'm cured! Luna!
You do care!"
(
The wedding preparations were taking place. Mamoru gulped as he
walked into the giant room. "Zoisite, I'm not gonna wear this."
"Oh come sir, it will be a beautiful Catholic wedding," Padre BoBo
urged in a seriously monotone voice.
"I'm not Catholic."
"Very well, a beautiful Jewish wedding," Rabbi Padre BoBo corrected.
"I'm not Jewish."
"A glorious Lutheran wedding," Minister Rabbi Padre BoBo amended.
"I'm not Lutheran."
Zoisite grumbled as he leaned back in a chair. "This is going to
be a long wedding."
(
Upon entering the castle, Usagi huffed, "How many more castles are
there!?"
Artemis looked around and jerked his head in every direction. "I
thought there was a guardian here. Oh well, guess there's no one here.
Free one!" As soon as everyone had been schnookered into a false sense of
security...BOOM!
"What the-" Kunzite whirled around to see a small monster with a
red head and a black body. "Who the hell are you?" The little beast lashed
out at him, but all Kunzite had to do was put his hand on the thug's
forehead, and it couldn't advance. "Look, I don't have all day."
"Want me to shoot it?" Usagi modeled her Moon Sceptre.
"AAAAAIIIIIIIIYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Yuuichirou swung into the castle,
and knocked the beast out. "Have no fear, Kumada Yuuichirou is here!"
"You know we don't have much time," Kunzite mentioned as he con-
tinued to hold the monster back.
"Leave him to me, I'll show him," Yuuichirou shoved him out of the
way and started punching the little mongrel.
"Have fun!" Usagi waved as they continued on their trek.
(
"I'm not Buddhist."
"Hmm, then it shall be a splendid Baptist wedding," The Monk Father
Minister Rabbi Padre BoBo sighed.
"I'm not Baptist."
"A Shaker wedding?"
"Shakers can't be married."
"A joyous Mormon wedding!"
"I'm not Mormon."
"Shinto?"
"No."
"Protestant?"
"No."
"Presbyterian?"
"No."
"Oh, for crying out loud, what are you then?" Zoisite asked im-
patiently.
"I'm a, a, um..." Mamoru stopped to think. "I'm a, I'm a Vulcan!"
"You don't have the ears," Zoisite hissed.
"Are you atheistic?" BoBo asked.
"Of course not!"
"Then you are a Quaker."
"No."
"Amish?"
"Nope."
"Just forget it. We're getting married, like it or not!" Zoisite
grabbed Mamoru's hand. "Get a move on, Padre!"
"Do you, Chiba Mamoru, take Zoisite as your lawfully wedded hus-
band..."
"NO!"
"Yes, you fool! Yes!" Zoisite ushered.
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
(
"The fourth castle," Usagi fell to her knees on the doorstep. "Can
we take a rest here?"
"You're right. I need to take, a breather," Luna panted.
As the four cooled off on the steps, a giant shadow formed over
them. "Ahh, shade from the blazing sun. Thanks a lot, Kunzite," Usagi
waved her hand against her face.
"Why are you thanking me?" Kunzite asked. "I'm right beside you."
"Eh? Well, if you're not shading me, then who is?" Usagi felt a
shiver go down her spine as she slowly turned her head. "AAAAAAAAAAAA-
HHHHHHHHH!!!"
The mammoth-sized monster growled. It looked like a cat on
steroids. As it studied the group, its eyes fell on Luna.
"Huh?" Luna perked up. "What's going on?"
The monster leaned over and glared at Luna. It began to growl,
but it didn't sound sinister, but actually, friendly. The two began to
make eye contact. Usagi watched the two carefully, and gasped as the
monster picked Luna up.
"Let her go!" Artemis yelled.
The monster examined Luna, and tossed her up in the air, then
caught her like a baseball player catching a baseball. "Oh my," Kunzite
was taken aghast. "We should be on our way."
"Y-y-yeah, we should be going," Artemis shuddered as he stepped
back.
Usagi could see no sense in arguing. She knew Luna was strong
enough to take care of herself. "Uh, Luna, stay, make nice-nice, okay?"
She darted off.
"GET BACK HERE!!!" Luna squealed. "USAGI-CHAN!!!"
(
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Please, a couple should not fight," BoBo chastised.
"We are not a couple, we're fighting!" Mamoru snapped. "There's no
way in the world I could marry something like that!"
"Oh yes there is!" Zoisite hissed. "Say yes or pay the consequences!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Fine. Then we'll get married," Zoisite let out a low snicker as
he watched Mamoru try and figure out his reverse psychology.
"Fine!"
"Alright! You heard 'im, Padre, let's get married!" Zoisite gra-
bbed Mamoru's arm.
"Huh? What!?" It finally hit him. "D'oh!"
(
Veena sat perched atop her castle as she saw the group approach in
the distance. "So, the little party-crasher has made it to the fifth castle
gate. She may think she can pass easily, but I am Veena, champion of the
Negaverse (yatta, yatta, yatta), and letting her proceed goes against all
my principles."
"Looks like there's no one here," Artemis looked around.
"Look, you said that about the last one, and look what happened
there! Who knows how Luna is sparing!" Usagi hollered back.
"Are you two going to quarrel, or are you going to follow me?"
Kunzite put his hands on his hips. "Look, maybe the furrball is right
about this one. I'm going through." Just as he was reaching the doorway,
a thin figure jumped from the roof and blocked his path. The three jumped
back in surprise.
"Who are you?" Usagi asked.
"I am Veena, guardian of the fifth castle gate. I am afraid I am
unable to let you pass," she replied in a subtle tone.
"Look lady, we don't have time to waste. Lord only knows what that
horrid cape-bearing fiend is doing to my precious Zoisite," Kunzite whim-
pered remorsefully.
"Hey! I think it's the other way around," Usagi corrected.
"Go home now, like a good little girl. If you do, Veena won't
have to kill you," Veena announced shrewdly.
"Kill...us?" Artemis repeated fearfully.
"Forget it, you hideous harridan!" Usagi got into a fighting
stance.
"Very well. I guess I have no other choice," Veena too got into
a stance. "Veena final attack--FILAMENT ASPHYXIATE!!!" Instantly, three
lightning-fast strands of twine shot from her quill pen, and wrapped ti-
ghtly around each of the group's appendages and chest area.
"I can't move!" Usagi stammered as she tried to move.
"I've lost all feeling!" Artemis faltered.
"Engh! I'll get outta this!" Kunzite twisted back and forth,
letting out a grunt with each move.
"I would like to see you try," Veena said calmly. "The more you
move, the tighter the twine becomes. Would you like to see a free de-
monstration?" She plucked a twine wrapped around Usagi's ribcage and
upper arms, and Artemis and Kunzite gasped as she screamed in agony.
"I don't give up so easily," Usagi slowly raised her fists, trying
effortlessly to disregard the pain. "You're gonna hafta--kill us first!"
"No-no-no!!!" Kunzite and Artemis replied quickly.
"Mm? Well, you said it, not me," Veena pursed her lips. "DIE!!!"
The watched in trepidation as Veena flashed a ginzu knife from out
of nowhere and aimed it at Usagi. Usagi gritted her teeth as she tossed
it at her.
"Just our luck she has a perfect arm," Artemis muttered in horror.
As the knife neared Usagi's throat, she gulped and closed her eyes
tight. She held her breath and awaited her decapitation. Suddenly, she
felt nothing. Am I dead? she thought. She slowly opened her eyes and
lifted her head. Her eyes bulged as she watched the broken twine flutter
to the ground. "What the-" she looked up to see a flash of black hair and
a red and white outfit land on the path between her and Veena. "Huh?
Rei-chan!?"
"Usagi-chan! Are you alright?" Rei asked with concern.
"Well, actually, if you had come a little bit sooner," she looked
at her outfit. There were slits and shreds everywhere, and there were
slashes and abrasions all over her arms, neck, and legs. The same went
for Kunzite and Artemis. "AAACK!!! My clothes! Rei! Look what you did!"
"What I did?" Rei rolled her eyes. "Nothing's good enough for you,
is it? You might as well go on ahead, I'll take it from here."
"STOP!" Veena roared as Kunzite, Usagi, and Artemis hobbled around
the side of the castle.
"Veena, I'm your only opponent now!" Rei whipped out a piece of
parchment and got ready.
"Very well. COME!" The two let out battle cries and jumped into
the air. Usagi watched from far ahead as an explosion occurred when the
two forces clashed.
"Rei!" Usagi screamed.
"Come on, we have to keep going!" Kunzite tugged on her sleeve and
the group continued on their way.
(
About ten minutes later, they reached the sixth castle. Usagi
stepped forward boldly. "Alright, I've got business with the guy after
you, so you'd best just let me through!"
"I'm afraid that's next to impossible," the tall figure replied
as she stepped out of the shadows. "You'll have to get through me, Tech-
niclan, first!"
"Is that all?" Usagi whipped one of her many weapons, in this
case being the Moon Sceptre once again. "If you're anything like your
predecessors, then I shouldn't even break sweat!"
"Perhaps I should point out that the reason for that is because
your friends are taking care of the predecessors rather than yourself,"
Kunzite acknowledged. A water-drop thingie appeared on Usagi's face.
"That doesn't matter!" Usagi blared. "THIS ONE'S MINE!!!" She
lashed out at Techniclan, delivering swift kicks and punches all over.
Techniclan seemed bored by the attacks, and rolled her eyes. Usagi
jumped back and caught her breath. "There, have ya had enough yet?"
"Oh, please don't tell me that was your petty onslaught," Tech-
niclan yawned. "I can do much better than that. My turn now, sailor brat!"
With that, she struck at Usagi nonstop, using various weapons found in any
science lab, like beakers, forceps, test tubes, etc. Usagi tried to dodge,
but Techniclan was way too fast. Usagi could feel the tools slashing her
left and right, and she was getting weaker by the minute. Techniclan
eventually stopped. "Have you had enough?"
Usagi shook as she her knees locked. Blood began to drip from
ountless places. She couldn't even tell if she was sweating or bleeding
at this point. Artemis gasped. "Stop! Don't hurt her anymore! Can't you
see she's had enough?"
"Hmm, I suppose the only way to end this little game then if she
is eliminated," Techniclan raised her hands, and two dissecting knives
appeared out of thin air. "Your days are numbered, sailor girl! AAAAAAAAA-
HHHHHHHHHH!!!" She charged forward. Usagi gazed up with a dazed expression.
"SUPREME THUNDER!!!" A familiar battle cry rang across the bridge
the castle was situated on. Faster than anyone could say by Jove, it's
Jupiter, Makoto came charging through the area, knocking over a damaged
Techniclan. Usagi was dumbfounded. "Usagi-chan!" Makoto yelled as she
continued to run for the main castle. "Leave the gaywad to me!!!"
"Mako-chan...?"
Techniclan got to her feet and brushed herself off. "Feh, measly
upstart. Now then-" she looked in the distance to see a giant cloud of
smoke approaching her quickly. "-oh, my..."
"WAIT FOR ME, MAKOTO!!!" Ami hollered as she jumped right on Tech-
niclan and charged by. Luna was at her heels, only stopping for a mere
second to give Usagi the evil eye.
"The calvary has arrived!" Artemis announced. But the brigade was
far from over.
"I GOT REI, EVERYONE ELSE IS MINOR!!!" Yuuichirou ran over Tech-
niclan, carrying Veena.
"SINCE WHEN DID I LOOK LIKE THAT!?" Rei hollered as she followed.
"SOMEONE HELP ME! UMINO'S BACK!!!" Minako wailed as she brought
up the rear.
"MINAKO-CHAN, MY DARLING! COME BACK TO ME!" Umino pleaded as he
brought up the rear.
"None shall pass..." Techniclan groaned as she laid on the pave-
ment, with foot-prints decorated all over her.
"Those are some friends you got, Usagi," Kunzite commented.
"Yeah, they're one of a kind," Usagi replied sheepishly as she
slowly got to her feet.
(
"Do you, Zoisite, take this man to be your lawfully wedded
husband?" BoBo looked up at her.
"You bet I do!" Zoisite replied excitedly.
"And do you, Chiba Mamoru, take this man to be your lawfully
wedded husband?" BoBo turned to Mamoru.
"I..." As much as Mamoru wanted to say no, he knew he couldn't,
for Zoisite had a gun cocked at his head. "I..."
"FREE MAMORU THIS INSTANT!!!" Rei roared from the doorway.
"Mamoru-san!" Ami yelled in concern. "Are you alright? Mamoru?"
She gave a questioned look as Mamoru bowed down in Catholic style and made
praises to Heaven.
"Aha! So you are Catholic!" Zoisite glared. Mamoru froze in em-
barrassment.
"I am afraid you have crashed a sacred ceremony. I am sorry, but
you must leave," BoBo said calmly.
"Sock it to them, BoBo," Zoisite commanded.
"Fat chance, bird boy!" Rei poised her hands. Minako got into her
stance.
"CRESCENT BEAM!!!" Minako screamed.
"FIRE SOUL!!!" Rei yelled.
"Pathetic," Zoisite snickered. "BoBo, your final attack!"
"Get ready girls!" Luna instructed. The girls nodded.
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
"What was that?" Artemis wondered as the three saw the explosion
from the castle's base.
"Those girls must have disrupted the ceremony," Kunzite replied
calmly.
"And we're just standing here!?" Usagi clenched her fists. "LET'S
GO!!!"
Mamoru shuddered in anxiety as Zoisite gave a girlish smirk.
BoBo was obliterated. So were the Senshi, Yuuichirou, Umino, and Luna.
"I hate intruders, don't you?"
"Where's Usagi?" Mamoru wondered nervously. "Could she have been
bumped off earlier?"
"Hmm, looks like we can't be married now," Zoisite looked at BoBo's
totaled state.
"Hey, it's been swell, but I gotta jet," Mamoru headed for the
door. "Have fun, good bye, and good riddance." Just as he was halfway to
the door, Zoisite pulled him back. "Now what?"
"So we can't get married now, big deal," Zoisite began deceptive-
ly. "But we can always elope."
"E...lope?" Mamoru mouthed each syllable fearfully.
"AW, NO YA DON'T!!!" A familiar voice hollered from the door. At
this time, the others were coming to.
"Usagi?" Rei muttered slowly.
"And that queer guy," Makoto added.
"Artemis!" Minako opened her arms as he ran into them.
"You--me--right now!" Usagi ground her teeth in anger and jabbed
her finger at Zoisite. "Winner takes Mamoru-san, loser takes Kunzite!"
"Hey!" Kunzite interjected.
"Hmmph, sounds fair enough," Zoisite crossed his arms over his
chest. "And are your little girlfriends gonna help you?"
"Nah, they're not necessary," Usagi scoffed. The girls gave her
dirty looks.
"See if we ever help you save the world again," Ami snapped under
her breath.
"Prima Donna," Makoto mumbled.
"Fine then," Zoisite rested his head against his hand. "I'm game."
"You're gonna wish you'd never been born!" Usagi charged at him,
Moon Tiara in hand. By the mere power of his magical cherry blossoms,
Zoisite knocked Usagi back. She got to her feet and ran at him again.
"MOON TIARA ACTION!!!" On the brink of cheering that she had gotten her
magic through, she soon realized this was wrong when she found herself
slammed into the wall.
"Usagi-chan! Are you alright?" Minako asked in concern.
"You heterosexuals are sooo predictable," Zoisite teased.
"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!!!" Usagi screamed as she rammed her Moon
Sceptre at Zoisite. Once again, she was shot backwards.
"I grow weary of this little game," Zoisite yawned. He felt a
tugging on his sleeve.
"Hey, Zoisite, this was fun for the first five minutes, but as you
can see, Usagi-chan ain't gonna last forever," Mamoru explained.
"Mamoru-san!" Usagi yelled angrily. "Butt out! I can take care of
myself!" As she stood up bravely, she heard an annoying snicker from her
right. "Rei! Geez, it's not supposed to be funny! I'm serious! I can
beat her!"
"And just how do you plan on doing that?" Rei asked between laughs.
"Hmm, good question," Usagi muttered as she began to think. None
of my attacks are getting through those damn petals. I need something fast
enough, powerful enough, something that I can maneuver, oh, wait a minute,
that blows everything out of the water...say, wait a second! Water! That's
it! Usagi made a fist and pounded it into the palm of her other hand.
"Hmm, I've never seen that look on her face before," Makoto glanced
at Usagi curiously.
"What do you mean?" Ami inquired.
"The look that she may actually have a good idea for once," Makoto
replied.
"I heard that," Usagi sneered. "I'm gonna finish you, dweesil!"
Usagi charged forward, but right when she was in hitting distance of Zoi-
site, she jumped up and smashed her boot into the floor as hard as she
could, enough to break it, and every level below it.
"What the hell was that?" Zoisite tossed his tresses in provo-
cation.
"Then again, I was wrong," Makoto corrected.
"What's that rumbling sound?" Umino asked nervously.
"Is it an earthquake?" Yuuichirou shuttered fearfully.
"Of course not, you big baby," Rei snapped.
"Well, actually, this island is situated right on a fault line,"
Ami pointed out.
"Usagi, I thought you wanted to save me," Mamoru said pitifully.
"Just you wait," Usagi replied with a big smile on her face.
"She sounds proud of what she did, although I can't figure out
why," Minako stood still as the rumbling sound grew closer. All of a
sudden...FFFOOOOOMMMMM!!!
"It's a giant geyser!" Artemis was spellbound.
"She used all her power to make a hot spring?" Rei tried to piece
it all together, but she ended up shaking her head.
"Very impressive," Zoisite gave a deep laugh. "I'll send you the
plumbing bill." He watched as Usagi readied her Moon Sceptre. "Here we go
again." He flashed his cherry blossoms of doom.
"MOON PRINCESS HALATION--REVISED!!!" Usagi swung her sceptre like
a baseball bat as a splash of water flew off it and hit Zoisite clean in
the stomach.
"She got a good hit in!" Yuuichirou cheered.
"Oh, I get it now," Ami grinned. "Using the water as an offensive
force, she can easily assault Zoisite with her sceptre. What genius!"
"The gods may smile upon anyone once," Zoisite recited.
"'scuse me?" Usagi stopped and tried to figure it out.
"SUCKER!!!" With that, Zoisite gave a swift kick in Usagi's left
thigh. She lurched back in pain, grabbing her thigh.
Usagi began to teeter, and no one knew which way she would fall.
The fight was nearing its completion, and she hadn't hit jack. It was
time to use her most infallible power yet. Like her plummeting into the
spring at Teenyweenyrininkyo, a pink aura formed around her. Zoisite
could sense an end in sight as well, and a yellow aura formed around him.
"Say, ain't yellow the color of fear?" Makoto pointed out.
"Is not! It's for innocence!" Zoisite hissed.
"That's white, you boob!" Rei shot back.
"Actually, white's not really a color, it's a neutral," Ami ex-
plained in her intellectual tone.
"SHADDUP!!! It's my big scene, and you guys are ruining it!!!"
Usagi shrieked.
"Come on, don't make all those fights against the Negaverse seem
obsolete," Luna stammered.
"I have one attack left, and I gotta bet all my energy on it,"
Usagi made a fist. The background music began to approach its big climax.
The Senshi and Co. watched in anticipation.
"You better win, Usagi," Mamoru whispered. "Or else!"
Zoisite gave a sly sneer, and awaited Usagi's big attack. "If it's
anything like her others, then Mamoru and I'll be in Vegas by evening!" He
thought.
"I wonder what her power will be?" Makoto turned to Luna. "You
know?"
"Hey, I'm only cast as a minor character in this fanfic," Luna
replied. "I don't know her attacks."
"Ooh! This is gonna be cool!" Rei shrieked. Yuuichirou peered
over her shoulder. "Man oh man, Usagi's attack is--wow! It's gonna kick
ass!"
"Rei, put away the script!" Ami reprimanded. She snatched it up
and tossed it into the distance. "So, what was it?"
"Get bent, I ain't telling you."
Just when Usagi felt her aura reaching its maximum peak, she
raised her hands up, almost cupping them, but not completely. The energy
in her aura filtered into it, as the sphere turned into a bright red color.
Zoisite had waited long enough. "I ain't getting any straighter
here," he jumped high in the air, aiming for Usagi. "Die, Usagi!!!"
"I don't think so," Usagi muttered. "MOON APEX OUTBURST!!!" She
pushed the ball at the quickly approaching Zoisite. Everything paused,
for a brief second, even Zoisite suspended in the air, until...BBB-
AAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!! Usagi looked up as the blond-haired figure shot
up into the sky.
"YOU DID IT, USAGI-CHAN!!!" Mamoru whooped.
"It didn't seem that great, Rei," Ami scoffed.
"Uh, I hate to be the party pooper, but I have this eerie sinking
feeling," Umino said nervously.
"Why do you say that?" Minako asked.
"Says here we're all gonna get caught in a big whirlpool," Rei
read from the script again.
"And that's where our stunt-doubles come in, right?" Usagi asked
uneasily. "Right?" Rei grinned and shook her head.
"It's every Senshi for their own self!" Makoto yelled as the waters
submerged them.
Usagi saw Mamoru floating the distance, and she knew she had to
get him, after all, Zoisite was out of the picture, so to speak. Just as
she was in touching distance, the body was snatched away. "Zoisite! You
fiend! I won, he's mine!"
"Like I would follow a game with such stupid rules," Zoisite huffed.
"I don't stop until I get what I want, and believe me, I always do. After
all, he's still wearing the cape--uh-oh."
"You were saying?" Usagi smirked. The waters were around them now.
They were able to float around in the void at free will. The two jerked
their heads over to a loose board jutting out in the void. Snagged onto
it was the cape. They both yelled in unison: "The cape!"
Kunzite finally got out of the water and struggled to gain control
in the void. He saw Zoisite and Usagi in shock, and then he realized why.
The cape was as good as his!
"No! That's for my Mamoru-san, not you!" Zoisite screeched. He
cringed as Kunzite grabbed the cape and wrapped it around him. "Oh my gosh--
my Cape Boy! It is you!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you all along!" Kunzite
yelled as Zoisite cuddled him.
"Mamoru-san!" Usagi yelled as she held onto him. Gravity or no
gravity, he was still too heavy. Just by accident, she looked down, just
in time to see water rushing up to her. Before she could get out of the
way, the water pushed her and Mamoru up to the surface.
(
"Whew! That was rough!" Usagi caught her breath as she smashed
through the surface. She wasn't treading water, but she still managed to
stay up.
"Usagi-chan," Mamoru said as he approached her. "Thank-you."
"It was nothing," Usagi sighed. "You would've done the same for me.
Mamoru, right? You would, wouldn't you?" She grew irritated by his hesi-
tation.
"Of course I would! Why would you even ask?" Mamoru wrapped his
arms around her in an embrace. "If you were ever kidnapped by a homosexual,
then I would come rescue you."
Their attention was then turned to a small pillar that had been
erected from the explosion. Zoisite and Kunzite climbed out of the water
together, hand in hand. Kunzite had the cape.
"I can't believe I wanted that straight guy over you," Zoisite
looked down. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, everyone makes mistakes," Kunzite shrugged. Just as the
two were about to kiss...
"Alright, there'll be enough of that," Rei slapped her hands over
Usagi's and Mamoru's eyes. "Well, that was one hell of an adventure."
"Can we go home now?" Makoto whined. "For all I know, Motoki's
probably changed the locks on his house."
(
It took a while, but by a sheer strike of good luck, the S.S. Nau-
sea was revived, and the gang prepared for the long trek home. The Rainbow
Crystal Carriers had turned back to normal, introducing some surprises.
"Ami, I know you want me," Ryo said casually as he stepped up to
her.
"Huh?" BAM-SOCKO-WHAM!!! "Ryo, I have told you once, I have told
you a thousand times, leave me the hell alone!"
"So, who's watching the temple?" Grandpa Hino crossed his arms
over his chest, waiting for an answer. Rei and Yuuichirou pointed at each
other.
"Say, Reika, I know you need some time off to relax," Makoto said
slyly. "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse."
"Sorry, kid, Motoki's mine."
"Before we get started, may I ask what religion you two are?"
Padre looked at Kunzite and Zoisite. Kunzite blurted out Catholic as
Zoisite said Baptist. Padre put his head in his hands. "Why can't I be
a monk?"
"Gee, Luna, you're a big hit with the big cats, aren't you?" Ar-
temis teased as Red Battler gawked at her dreamily.
"Artemis, remind me to kill you when we get back," Luna gritted
her teeth.
"I'll pay you �1000 for those Sailor V dolls," Minako offered.
"I'm partial to them."
"Forget it. They're for charity," Joe said curtly.
"What!? I'm a charity; I have needs too!" Minako pleaded, but to
no avail.
"Wow, this is so great," Lanni Lenigh3 spoke up in her perky tone.
"If ya'll could stand still for a few minutes, I could sketch out a great
picture for a portrait!"
"P-portrait?" Mamoru stopped. He turned to Artemis, and gave him
an evil glare. "Speaking of which...ARTEMIS!!!" Artemis took off like a
rocket as Mamoru gave chase.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Ami caught herself. "Mamoru! I've got your
wallet!"
"Mamoru-san!" Usagi whined. "Get back here!"
"I want a piece of that cat!" Luna growled as she followed Mamoru.
The End...
...on second thought...
"Uh, Minako, don't you have this feeling that you've forgotten
something?" Makoto asked as they sailed back.
"Like what? I still have what I came with," Minako thought for
a moment, but shook her head. "Nope, I can't think of anything. Why do
you ask?"
"I dunno, call it a hunch, I guess," Makoto shrugged.
(
"Huh, huh, huh," Umino panted as he popped his head up from the
surface. "What happened?" He looked around. He was in a lake of some
sort. There was a pillar in the distance, with two people making out on
it, and a brown-haired boy in a bloody pulp scraping the ground. "Gee,
I think I'm still on that island with those gay people. Where did the
others go?" A hand fell on his shoulder. Stunned, he whirled around.
"Hi, I'm Jed," the blond-haired guy greeted.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Umino screamed. He swam away in panic.
Jed was stupefied. "What did I say? What did I say?"
Characters (c)1996 Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha/Toei Animation
Sailor Earth (c)1996 Renee Starling/WHAU
Sheol, and Sailor Earth's actual identity
(c)1996 Jamie Godley/Anivision/WHAU
1see Vampire Sailor Rei (Allotment Two villain)
2I don't know what the Japanese names are for the Rainbow Crystal
Carriers, so I'm sticking with the English, with the exception of Akon,
which I found his name, the Red Battler.
3I couldn't find her Japanese name. I'm not even sure if this is
spelled correctly. I'm only human (sniff)!
??
