What NOT to Wear,

Ok, so, you're a middle aged guy, two kids, one of whom is a minion of the Anti-Christ (here's looking at you Boyd!), you're looking for love, and you're going slightly bald, so lets face it, any attention away from your head is good attention, right?

Wrong!

Now, we love Max and his wacky shirts the way we love Alfie Moon and HIS wacky shirts in Eastenders, in fact, i think they might even be related: both adorable, both very much huggable and both....well, fashion clueless really.

Sometimes they just need a little...help.

So, welcome to "Fashion Faux Pas with Max". Trust us, he's a worthy guide into the horrors of what happens when your mum dresses you...

...then leaves town for good without a forwarding address, and there's no-one to tell you that that shirt you bought? Is *hideous*.

Love is blind chaps, but it's NOT stupid, sooner or later, Steph will wake up and smell the Christian Dior coming from Karl's house, and then... .

We tell Max where he's gone wrong in a series of lessons...

a) If your girlfriend's wearing green, you don't want to give the whole street a headache and thus send Dino running for cover in the curtains, by screaming at us all with your visually insulting purple striped concoction.

Less is more.

b) Flowers aren't manly, and should at ALL times be left to women, small children or people holidaying in Hawaii.

Always remember; simple = less painful on other people's eyes.

Max sulked as the taunts about his forget-me-knot covered short flew out of the guests mouths. The salesman had said it made him look manly. Well that was $100 he'd never see again.

c) Unadvised and unusually hideous patterns can be dangerous to loved ones...

Too busy laughing at Max's floral torso-decor, Steph failed to notice Pervyn harvesting her precious blonde locks for gene therapy experimentation.

d) Persistant rule breaking may, unfortunately, lead to much personal and romantic distress for the wearer.

"I'm really sorry, Max. I don't want to do this but...it's just not working out. ...honey, you look like a street performer!"

Camoflage is invariably best left to people who are actually in the army and need to blend in to survive. Otherwise, it has nasty effects on a man's pride.

And a man without pride in his appearance is like... MAX.

See below examples for common, everyday problems.

Exhibit A:

"Um, Max? You match the wallpaper."

(proudly) "I knoooow!"

"Yeah, and it makes you look like a twat..."

Exhibit B:

"Max? Honey you match the sofa..."

Exhibit C:

It can be a hard habit to break out of...

"What?"

"Um, yeah, now the lace curtains..."

Exhibit D:

But once you do, beware of the hypocritical female response.

"What do you mean you won't touch me in this shirt? I don't match anything!"

"Yeah. That's the point."

Ok, so you've accepted it, you're badly dressed. What do you do?

You might ask a kindly friend to give you some advice. This is NOT always a good move. Make sure you know your friend well, and you're certain they are being totally honest with you...

a) Beware of anyone trying to sell you something you're not 100% comfortable with.

"I don't see why you're making me wear this jacket. The sales guy said green was in!"

Sales people are no impressionable man's friend.

b) Face the possibility that even good friends may be laughing at your expense...

"But Lou DISTINCTLY told me, when I wore this and furrowed my brow I was James Dean!"

Friends can be opportunistic shits. Trust no-one.

Follow these simple but basic rules, and you'll be a God amongst men.

However, remember that life, and fashion in particular, is fickle: your efforts may go completely unappreciated.

But buck up there little camper! You know something they don't. You know how to dress yourself...

"Max felt dejected when, after finally learning how to dress himself like a normal person, there was no-one around to see him."