Max
"Sexy Man Pants" Hoyland

Oil rig worker? Or secret pub lover?

Ah, Max. Our favourite SexyNonPubWorker. Flew into Ramsey Street after three years on an oil rig off the coast of Australia following the death of his wife Claire. Daddy Hoyland claimed it was in Eastern Timor, although I'm inclined to think he actually just lied about that to make himself sound macho, and in actual fact merely jetted across the ditch on a super-saver last-minute Quanta’s airlines 6am flight to New Zealand to buy a pub and NotPullPints as his 'Aussie' accent is alarmingly Kiwi at times ("Well Boyd, here's a hunt." What's that you say there Maxy? A hunt? Where? What hunt? In Ramsey Street? And why on earth are you giving one to Boyd? OoOOOooOOoh you meant *hint*! Well why didn't you just say that then?).
Besides, those shirts he wears would have made him the laughing stock of the entire rig and before long he'd be on the 6 o'clock news as the Australian Navy picked him up from the middle of the ocean. Where they'd thrown him. And the fact no hunk-o-man oil rig worker could possibly have developed so many NonMuscles so expertly. "But!" You may think, "but I thought you loved Max?!"

Oh but we do! We can overlook his questionable rig years, his bad dress sense, the fact that he seems to take a huge amount of work at the pub, and yet never seems to actually *do* anything, that he can't seem to decide whether he can actually dance or not, and that his hair is thinning even before he's hit forty, and see him for the perfect man he is; a good father, funny, kind, a great boyfriend, and maybe the most important of all...a humanitarian idol who offered refuge to a lonely Dino when it was wandering the streets of Erinsborough after no appropriate family-with-kids had graced the set for eons.

Such goodness and humanity is why we love Max Hoyland, and hope he can one day love himself enough to admit to his family and friends that he never was an oil rig worker, but instead spent three years was owning a little known public house under the name of “The Leather-clad Kangaroo” (a little Steph foreshadowing there?) in Southland, NZ.

"Hey, Max? Could ya get me a pint?"

Karl hugely overestimates the extent of Max's 'working life'

(Max in a moment of beautiful confusion)

Steph couldn't shake the feeling Pa Scully was subtly getting revenge on her. She couldn't tell exactly what she'd done to deserve this, but she knew she was sorry.

"That bloody Dino's stolen more of my hair, again!!"

" Dad that's nothing...he's stolen my eyes!!!"

The boy obviously didn't get the memo sent out to all human beings at the start of the 1990's saying that bowl cuts were out, as were mullets, and so therefore, in *NO POSSIBLE WAY* could the two be *combined* in a way that would be cool. Not even ironically. It's just plain logic.

And we thought the brat was meant to be some sort of child prodigy. I tell you this now, if I was his father I'd have ruled with an iron fist a long time ago. A haircut's £20 (AU$50) tops. I'm sure his father has enough in the bank from his 'oil rig years' (he does so little work at the pub he's obviously secretly on strike due to rubbish pay, so we can't expect him to dip into his pub paycheque to spend on his devil-spawn eldest) to put his son out of his misery. Or even a sympathetic collection from Boyd's 'friends' (we've only ever seen evidence of ONE) and peers would do.
Maybe Boyd thought he'd go for the long surfer look? In which case I can only conclude that something went horribly wrong the day he decided that having a fringe with that, and never even combing it was down with the kids. He just looks like a bad cross between the obligatory Blonde Tall Man Sent to Stir Up Trouble in any given 1800's period drama and Reese Witherspoon circa Legally Blonde. Poor love.

And no-one's gonna tell him. After all, he'd probably just make their lives sheer hell with all his whining and his snide comments and his selfishness and his ME-ME-ME attitude and his ruining of family outings just because he didn't want his father to GetSome 'cos Heather wouldn't put out and he was jealous. Beware all those who decide to put Boyd in his place. Your car wont last the night.

Vintage Boyd:

1. "Whaddya mean the bowl cut's out??"

2. Dino realised that with the ever increasing volume of Boyd "Because I'm Worth It" Hoyland's thatched roof, he could easily hide himself in it, and finally escape this four walled prison for the Great Outdoors where the girls run free and the pervin' comes easy...

Current Boyd:

Boyd wondered why all the kids were laughing. Had a bird shat on his head? Well whatever it ate was fucking hairy.

Boyd was visibly unimpressed when he saw that Valda was copying his haircut.

Boyd was worried. His finger was stuck in his hair, and he had suddenly realised that brush his dad bought him for christmas wasn't a joke...

Summer: "Get it Daniel!!!"

Daniel: "Don't worry mate! I'll kill it!"

Boyd: "That's my *hair* you fuck!"

Wife of Boyd, aka Heather, sprang into our affections with the mega eye rolls and tutting behind Boyd's back, particularly where his hatred of Steph is concerned, and deserves our love because she puts up with him, which i am sure is no easy task. We don't know where she lives, or who her parents are, as her parents appear to suffer from the disease a lot of school children's do -- they are invisible.

As unfortunate as this is, she doesn't let us feel sorry for her, just mopes about with Boyd, and gets tiny spots that we all wish we had when younger, yet when she gets them she refuses to go to formal dances.

Soft wench!

Largely underused, mainly due to the fact she goes to That Other School that other Neighbours children don't attend, we had to include her here because anyone who even half manages to keep Boyd's trap shut is a personal hero of ours.

Due to circumstances beyond our control (we liked her, she dumped him and wouldn't take his shit!!) we must expand the "Wife of Boyd" catagory. Luckily for Heather, she escaped to sexier men, whom she rightly deserves. Unfortunately for *this* young lady...

Coming soon...Skye

You poor, poor sod you...

What is there to say about Summer that hasn't already been applauded? She may be a little whingy and annoying at times, but she's only young, *and* she can wrap everyone round her little finger, which is definately something to admire. EVERYONE. Even "Cactus" Jack Scully, the infamously moody resident. Maybe she sees a little of grumpy Boyd in him?

(Who can forget her shouting at Boysd to get the bug out of his arse and be nice to Steph in the coffee shop? So she didn't use those exact words; but she WOULD have if she wasn't so damn polite too. God this girl's an example to everyone!)

She plays a mean game of football, laughs at Nudist's beaches. And she's cute.

What?? She's adorable bless her! So endearing, always smiling. And she loves Steph "Biker Chick Senior", and she annoys Jack "Lurch Addams" Scully. (Yes, he's allowed two nicknames in one bio. Anyone who is confused about the Lurch reference, refer to "Genetics Gone Wrong" with Karl Kennedy [coming soon])
And we're sure she knows the truth about Pervyn.

BINGO!

Born in BC 65 500 000 to rich parents, Dino had everything going for him. Smaller dinos were practically throwing themselves into his open jaws in order to feed such a magnificence beast. DinoMere and DinoPere hoped he might go into the church. ...But then he threw it all away when he finally admitted to himself, and then his family and peers, that he was fascinated by these odd flesh-coloured creatures he saw in his dreams, and he was giving up his heritage to wander the globe in search of them. Of course the community thought he was quite mad and were happy to see the back of him. And so Dino wandered...across field, country and continent, yet never seeing these weird and wonderful animals he had watched dance across his eyes when the night fell.

But then he got stuck under a huge lump of ice during the Ice Age and that kinda put a dampener on his plans for a few million years.

When he finally thawed out, he was astounded, for he was sitting behind a large pane of glass, surrounded by a group of the creatures he'd been searching for! Then, before he could jump down and admire them, one of them with what looked like a large, dirty yellow plant on his head reached down and grabbed him. And so Dino came to live in the Hoyland residence at number 32 Ramsey Street in the Southern Hemisphere.
And although his dreams of wandering the streets of this new world are now shattered as he soon realised after an attempt to free himself that his limbs were frozen solid and he was confined to his spot on the windowsill, Dino quickly became aware of the magnificent voyeuristic possibilities of his assigned position. Within days DinoPerv had become the lecherous Pervyn we all know and love. And although completely unnoticed by the resident of The Street, we see him. And we love him.