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History ... Explained with Dr. Jocko Dinbuster

Episode 2 - Guy Fawkes, Man or Myth?

©2000 by Joseph Kunkle all rights reserved

-Title sequence - Start theme music

History Explained with Dr. Jocko Dinbuster

Cast:
Dr. Jocko Dinbuster - host
Mike - a former college student
Tom - another former college student
Guy Fawkes - an indigent

Scene 1 - (Int.) Dinbuster is wearing his lab coat and is sitting on a desk fiddling with a mason jar holding a fetal pig. He shakes it, picks it up and then turns it upside down. It is while looking through the jar that he notices the camera is on. His eyes widen and he hastily sets down the jar which slides off the desk and shatters on the floor with a crashing/wet splat. There is a chalkboard in the background with a bunch of mathematical formulas written on it.

Dinbuster:
“Hello, (crash! - "Fuck!") - quick recovery - "and welcome to this episode of "History Explained" I am your host, Dr. Jocko Dinbuster.”
Dinbuster grabs some papers off of a stack on the desk and starts wiping up the mess. He holds up one of the papers which has "Doctoral Thesis" written on it. Cut to Dinbuster's right side as Dinbuster stands up and turns to face the new cam. Audience can see "Kissinger prophylactics and placebos" written in the corner of chalkboard in childish script. Dinbuster Gestures towards chalkboard. . . .

"Many of the world's greatest scientific minds, people for whom the complexities of physical space and time are merest playthings will often be at odds with their colleagues when discussing their theories. No treasure is more carefully guarded than the work in progress of today's top physicists."

Cut away to still of Dr. Guy Fawkes in wheelchair.

". . . There are few things these great scientists agree on, but one thing that they all acknowledge is the genius of Dr. Guy Fawkes. Confined to a wheelchair by congenital syphilis, his sole communication with the outside world is through a computer. Because of this, his mind is left free of mundane concerns to go wandering at will through the cosmos, redefining the very concepts of space and time."

Cut back to starting cam position.

. . . On this show, we will meet two college students who have a bold yet amazing claim to make about the genius, Dr. Fawkes."

Cut away to Mike and Tom sitting at computer terminals in a digital rat nest. they look and act like computer geeks because that is what they are. Tom speaks while Mike in the background nods enthusiastically.

Tom:
"We made him."

Mike:
"Yep."

Cut back to Dinbuster standing by the desk holding a sodden mass of papers in his hands. Audience sees a little snout poking from among them. Dinbuster is looking around for a waste basket. A crewperson wrinkles nose in disgust at the smell as she comes on frame to take the mess from Dinbuster's hand. Dinbuster wipes his hands on the crewpersons back as she retreats off camera.

Dinbuster:
“And now we must ask the inevitable conundrum that has been plaguing our writers for weeks. A question that springs up unattended and interrupts you while bathing. A question that seems to sometimes behave as if it has a mind of its own . . ."
Dinbuster looks about off camera suspiciously. Cut to still of Guy in wheelchair.
Dinbuster:
"Tonight's question is . . .Guy Fawkes, Man or Myth?"

Cut to CU head & shoulder of Dinbuster.

"We will answer these and many other questions, tonight . . . On HISTORY EXPLAINED!“

Title board - up music - down music

Scene 2 - (Int.) Mike & Tom's computer rat nest. Tom is holding a bulky apparatus resembling an RC remote control unit with a microphone attached.
Tom:
"When me and Mike went to Oxford on Rhodes Scholarships in '71, we used to party a little.“
Mike:
"Man, we got wasted every night.“
Tom: (with annoyance over his shoulder)
"You mind letting ME tell the story!“
Mike:
"I just thought you needed some background, man.“
Tom:
"I don't need any background, would you shut up already!“
"Mike:
"Sorry, man, don't have a cow, man.“
Tom:
"You finished?“
"Mike: (after small pause)
"Yes.“
Tom:
"As I was saying, in '71 we was at Oxford, diggin' the pop scene and not getting drafted. . . . We was gonta have a Guy Fawkes party, you know, where you get a dummy and a wheelchair and go around from door to door, sorta like Halloween. That was when Mike had this great idea.“

"Mike: (triumphantly)
"Why not get a real guy for Guy Fawkes?“

Cut aways seedy part of town. Tom and Mike pull Guy from a dumpster and stuff him unceremoniously into a shopping cart. Tom starts wheeling him away while Guy wiggles in protest. Mike closes the dumpster and runs to catch up.

Tom: (voice over to proceeding scene)
"We went downtown to soho and found this dude in a dumpster, took him back to our flat and propped him in this old wheelchair. The party was smashing! We had such a good time . . ."

Cut away to Guy propped in wheelchair with a piece of cardboard sign around his neck saying 'Penny for the guy?' in crude letters. There is a tin can on his lap and pennies and other garbage are being thrown at it, some with force to where they are bouncing off his face. Party lights, strobes, loud cheesy sixties (doors?) music, confetti and shadow silhouettes on wall indicate a wild party is going on. Cut back to Tom for last line.

Tom:
". . . that after the party we kept him for awhile."

cut to next scene

Scene 3 - (Int.) fade in to period roll back 1971 - lead into clip with Oxford University, England -1971 text. - Cut to college type classroom/lab. Younger looking Mike and Tom are dressed in hippie clothes snoozing while a professor gives a boring lecture in monotone.

Professor:
". . . the blah blah of the blah blah blah when replicated using blah blah blah blah will result in blah blah blah blah blah blah. . ."

Cut to Tom. (yawning)

Tom:
"This quantum physics class sucks."
Mike:
"I hear ya!"

Pan to zoom in on framed picture on wall of classroom. Tom is staring at it. It is a photo of Einstein. Cut to ext. as Tom looks out the window and sees an old man being wheeled by in a wheelchair. Cut back (int.) to Tom as he suddenly gets a sly look on his face. Mike eyes him warily, knowing something is up.

Tom:
"I just had a totally excellent idea."

Cut to next scene.

Scene 4 - (Int.) Mike and Tom's flat. Very messy with psychedelic posters and paraphernalia. Guy is in his wheelchair parked in the corner with some laundry piled on him. Tom and Mike burst through the door and Tom immediately pulls the dirty laundry off of Guy and wheels him into the center of the floor. He steps back and looks at him as a sculptor studying a blank piece of stone. Guy is still wearing the cardboard sign.

Tom:
"This, is going to be great!"

He buzzes around the flat pulling a blender and a toaster out of the kitchenette.

Tom:
"Do you still have that transistor radio your Dad sent you last Christmas?"
Mike: (puzzled)
"Yeah, Why?"
Tom:
"Get it!"
Mike:
"Why?"
Tom:
"No time to explain, just get it! . . . And get that microphone you scabbed from that whiskey a go-go"
Mike: (sarcastically)
"Aye Aye, Captain"

Cut to Tom working at a mountain of electronics scattered all over the kitchen table. He picks up an antenna and sights along it.

Tom:
"Albert Einstein did his best work as a patent clerk, you know."
Mike:
"Yeah? . . . So?"
Tom:
"Geniuses spring up in some of the strangest places."

He puts down the antenna, picks up a screwdriver and starts taking apart a toaster.

Tom:
"I need you to scrounge me an electric motor somewhere."
Mike in background shrugs and walks off camera.
Fade out.

Scene 5 - (Int.) Cut back into the classroom. The professor is still monotonously droning.

Professor:
". . . the blah blah of the blah blah blah when replicated using blah blah antecedent proximity blah blah will result in blah blah veracity blah blah cosign blah. . ."

In the back of the hall, the doors swing open, the outside light silhouettes a wheelchair in an ominous fashion. The chair starts rolling into the room. Guy is strapped to the chair with a plastic box taped to his chest. The wheelchair is now motorized and there is an antenna attached to the back of the it. Guy rolls mechanically down the aisle, amazed students gawking at him from all sides.

Professor: (has not noticed)
". . .blah blah wherein blah blah blah to collectively stimulate blah blah blah blah . . ."
Cut to the professor facing cam (chalkboard POV) with Guy diminished in background. The professor is writing on the chalkboard while droning.

.Professor:
". . .So that in conclusion, blah blah verisimilitudes quintuplicated formetically blah blah . . ."
Guy interrupts the professor.

Guy: (sounding like silicon hammy) through tinny sounding speaker strapped to chest)
"In quantitative numerative black holes, supernovas collide spiraling ever outward in infinite verisimilitude."

The professor's eyes widen and he drops his piece of chalk.

Cut to Tom and Mike in coat closet peering through hole at the classroom. They are barely managing to keep from laughing. They are carrying the bulky apparatus. Tom is holding a vibrator to his throat while speaking into the microphone.

Tom: (Sammy silicon)
"An illustration of this theory is . . ."

Cut mid sentence to shot of Guy inside classroom. Continuous audio.

Guy:
". . . Immediately apparent when taken in conjunction with God and entropy"
The professor is leaning on his podium, chin in hand, a dreamy expression on his face. Cut to Guy and show students in background in dreamy state. Cut back to interior closet. Mike is trying not to laugh as Tom peers through the hole, light from the room is beaming on his eye.

Tom: (whispering excitedly while cupping hand over microphone)
"They bought it!"

Fade out.

Scene 6 - (Int.) Lap dissolve Back to computer rat nest with older Tom & Mike. They are currently arguing over some vague point from Star Wars. Dinbuster sits on a desk off to the side, nodding off.

Mike:
"Man, If Banthas are indigenous to Tatooine, a hot desert planet, why do they have so much fur?"
Tom: (Condescendingly, as if to a child)
"Just because it was a desert doesn't mean it was hot, you big idiot. Look at the jawas!"

Before Mike can phrase his rebuttal, Dinbuster notices the tally light. He hurriedly stands up. Mike and Tom look up towards cam, mouths hanging open.

Dinbuster: (hastily interrupting the argument)
"So Dr. Fawkes was taken seriously from the very beginning?"

Blank stares from Tom and Mike.

Dinbuster: (repeating with urging motions/prompting)
"So Dr. Fawkes was taken seriously from the very beginning?"

Mike: (finally aware)
"Oh . . . yeah . . . they were completely taken in. As a matter of fact, since that time, we've done nothing but maintain the Dr. Fawkes image. Check this out, we've got Dr. Fawkes on satellite surveillance and control, He's even got Lojac!"

Tom:
"Some teenagers at a shopping mall borrowed him once."

Mike:
"But their parents made them give him back."

Cut to CU of monitor showing Fawkes in conference setting. people in academic apparel are gathered around him in attitudes of engrossed attention.

Mike: (mischievously)
"Listen to this."

He holds the vibrator to his neck and speaks into a microphone. Cut to conference room.
"If the universe was as big as our solar system . . . then our solar system would be the size of a booger."

A mother is standing in the foreground back to camera. Tilt down shows a 5 year old child holding her hand.

Child: (to mother)
"Mommy, why is everyone paying attention to that goofy man?"

Mother shushes child. Cut back to rat nest. Mike grins at Dinbuster and winks at Tom.

Mike: (still talking into microphone)
"I need to go"

Guy on the monitor starts to squirm a little. Some of the academics nearby him pause expectantly. Mike is pressing a large brown button on the controller gizmo. Cut to Guy in conference room.

Guy:
"I need to go now."

CU to Guy's face as it turns slightly red from exertion. The academics start to step back from the Guy as a tremendous farting sound fills the room. Some actually run away. Mike and Tom are both hooting with laughter.

Tom: (laughing)
"Houston, we have a code brown! I repeat, a code brown!"

Mike: (laughing, to Dinbuster)
"We wired up his sphincter a couple years ago."

Fast fade out.

Scene 7 - (Ext.) Cut to establishing shot finds Dinbuster. He is walking over a grassy green hillside reminiscent of England.

Dinbuster:
"And the rest is historical fact, Dr. Fawkes has since become the reigning king of the quantum physics set. A respected professor holding chairs in some of the greatest universities in the world, he eventually went on to win the Nobel prize in physics."

Dinbuster stops to face cam for CU.

Dinbuster:
"As for Tom and Mike, they dropped out of Oxford in 1974 at the end of the Vietnam war. They now live in San Diego where satellite connections and space plus technology enable these grand puppetmasters to continue to ply their nefarious trade."

Cut to Mike and Tom in rat nest waving. Cut to office from beginning. A crew person is spraying air freshener around as Dinbuster faces camera for final segment. There is a new jar with a pickled pig's foot in it on the desk.

Dinbuster:
“And that is all for this show. I hope you have enjoyed yourselves, and I also trust you will tune in next time, when 'History Explained' will tell you more than you (need to know) . . .

(Dinbuster makes the finger quotations gesture.)
. . . about ‘The CIA, Marilyn Monroe and Pocket Petey'

Fade in theme music. Cam zooms out Dinbuster has hands thrust into lab coat pockets.

Dinbuster:
“Until then, this is Dr. Jocko Dinbuster saying, have a pleasant day and thanks for watching - HISTORY EXPLAINED!"

Up music

Dinbuster pulls a candy bar from his pocket and begins to unwrap it.. As he is putting the candy bar in his mouth, he notices the pig's foot. Fade out just as he is reaching for it.

Fade to black - Roll credits The End.

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