Yesterday was a bitter sweet day for me.  It was my Grandma Gracie's birthday, and I was missing her so much.  My Grandma lost her battle to colon cancer March 22, 1999 after 3 years of fighting it. 

I remember the last time I seen her up and moving around on a visit with her from SC to KY.  I was standing in front of her in mon's kitchen talking with my Grandma and with her being legally blind, she took a washcloth and started washing my ankles.  I asked her what she was doing and she said I had dirt on my legs and she was getting it off.  I laughed and told her I had tatoos on my ankles and it's the kind that won't come off.  She started laughing and said she couldn't believe her baby girl Tammei had gotten tattoos.  I even showed her the one I had on my shoulder.  She said I was the last grandchild she ever thought would get such a thing.  Just hearing her laugh and smile will be a memory I will forever have in my mind and heart.

Before leaving to head back to SC, Grandma was sitting on the couch and holding my puppy.  I had a miniture winnie dog, Jazzy.  Grandma wasn't much on animals, but she was holding Jazzy close and begging me to move back to KY.  I told her I wish I could, but I had a house and a good job and I couldn't just pick up and move without discussing it with my husband at the time.  I drove back to SC crying, wishing I could make my Grandma's dream come true.  Three months later I recieved the call that I needed to get home quick if I wanted to see my Grandma one last time because the end was near and she had no more fight in her.

After work I went and got my belly button pierced and stopped by the house to throw a bag together real quick, then headed on to KY.  Usually it took me 8-10 hours to make this drive.  I would stop every so often to stretch my legs, gas up, get something to drink and use the restroom.  Not this trip.  I only stopped long enough to do everything all at once and didn't stop at my usual spots to enjoy the view.  I made the trip in 6 1/2hrs, and yes, I did break some speed limits.  God and traffic was on my side and I made it there safely. 

I sat down beside my Grandma's bed, gave her a kiss and held her hand just talking to her.  I told her I was there and it was ok to stop fighting.  I loved her so much I wanted her to be in peace and out of pain.  Family was telling me she didn't know who was talking to her because the cancer had spread throughout her body and was affecting her brain.  She squeezed my hand and in her weak voice, she said "I know who she is, she's my baby girl, Tammie.  I smell her perfume."  I got a little tickled at hearing her say this.  I leaned closer to her ear and said "Guess what Grandma?  I got my belly button pierced."  She said "Oh lordy" and let out a little chuckle. 

I started getting a migraine, so I took something for it and laid down trying to sleep.  We all camped out in the livingroom where they had Grandma's bed set up.  Three hours after I had arrived, my Grandma went to be with Jesus.

I have many memories of my Grandma to keep her close to my heart.  She was one special lady and I wish she was here in person to see her two grandson's grow up.  She knew how hard I had tried to get pregnant.  I know she's looking down on me with pride and love and seeing them in her own way.

I miss you Grandma, and still love you as much if not more than when you was here on earth with us.  We will see each other again someday.

That was the sweet part of my day, just remembering my Grandma.  The bitter part is the one year anniversary of my ex telling me it's over and I had 3 days to get out of our home.  I freaked out and didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go.  I had no choice but to call my dad here in SC and tell him what was going on.  I knew just talking with him he would be able to calm me down and also give me some suggestions on what to do.  He called my ex that night and made him give me 3 weeks to pack myself and the boys up to leave.  He and my step-mom started looking for us a place to live here in SC.  A week before Thanksgiving and Davidson's birthday, I had the boys and I packed up and ready to leave KY to head to SC to start a new life for us.

As hard as it was not thinking I can make it on my own, I know I've done the right thing.  Yeah, I'm dependent on my dad and step-mom for paying my rent and electric bill, but at least the boys and I no longer have to suffer.  No more wondering if my husband is out sleeping with someone else and bringing home some kind of disease to me.  No more being put down for my weight, the way I look, or the way I cook and keep house.  And especially no more wondering when the next time I recieve a call from him saying he's locked up for drinking and driving or in an accident because of his drinking.  I no longer shed any tears for someone who couldn't love me enough or the boys to stay with us and make our family work.  All I can say is that I hope he's happy with the woman he left me for and her three boys.  I use to call her a bitch because she took away my husband.  Not any more, all I can do is feel sorry for her because now she has to deal with a lying, cheating and abusive person.  Hopefully she doesn't feel down about herself like I use to.

The best part of all this is, that I met his two daughters, the boys sisters.  They are beautiful and very sweet.  One of them has a beautiful son that is so cute.  I'm also friends with their mom now.  I use to hold grudges and hate her for taking my husband away (this is the 2nd time the jerk and I have been married), but now I realize she was sucked in by him just like I was.  All I have to say to him is, that it's his lost and now ours.  Hopefully one day he will realize his mistakes he's made in the past and grow up and fly straight.  I'm not perfect and I will be the first to admit that, but my life changed when Harley and Davidson came into my life.  There is more things in life than drinking and they are very well worth it.  All I can do is pray that God will watch over him and he decides to grow up and be a father to the boys before it's too late like it is with the two girls he helped bring into this world.  You know something, all I can do is pray and take care of myself and my precious angels the best that I can.  I will not talk about about their father to them.  They have enough problems in their life already without me doing that.  They do love their daddy, even though they are upset with him right now.  It will take time and it will get easier.