Kingdom of Dos-a-lot by Carlos DaSilva


Kingdom of Dos-a-lot
as told by Sir Optimize and written by Carlos DaSilva

Part the First

Yea to all ye who rolleth thine eyes on this ancient scroll, er... Usenet
post...

A large crowd was gathered in the Castle square. A coder in shining armor
(tis I!)stood in the center. He was atop the black stallion known as
Assem-blur.

"I am Sir Optimize, and I represent the noble Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, ruled
fairlyand justly by the great King Gatesway. There has been rumors echoing
alongst thecountryside of an evil presence by the name of Sategllib, ruler
of Clan Micro$oft (whatparts of his body this means to describe, I shall
never know)." I said. The crowdlaughed warmly.

I continued, "He owns a large dragon by the name of Wyndoes. This evil
dragonplans to conquer all of Dos-a-lot, and the neighboring kingdoms of
Uniches, Crap-in-toosh,and yes, even the mysterious 'Oh... Es Tu.'" Their
collective awes was unnerving.

"This large dragon may have a weakness. While it promises to shield us from
thetyrannies of King Gatesway (and his twin princes Autoeggsekbat and
Konfygsis) we all knowbetter than to believe this mindless drivel." The
crowd began to cheer.

"The Kingdom Dos-a-lot has history, and many stories to tell. Thousands
haveroamed the lands producing such fantastic art that our minds still reel
from their beauty.Think of the great Crew of Future, and their Reality the
2nd and Panic. Think of thegreatness of id and their Duum and Kway-keh" The
crowd murmured amongst themselves,remembering the good times. I turned
slowly on my horse to address the rest of theaudience.

"What has this evil dragon to offer? A heretic scroll known only as
Dy-rect-ecks.Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Great prophets and wizards have
predicted the future of great gamingand tis not in what is trendy, or what
the blasphemous Sategllib wishes, no... forces youto think. It claims to
give you unparalleled wonder under the confines of the most damningrules.
Never forget the forgiving Kingdom Dos-a-lot. It may take longer to set up
shop andhome in Dos-a-lot, but when you finally do, the benefits reaped are
unparalleled."The crowd cheered more forcefully this time. Just then
several loud horse clops wereheard.

"What twas that? Aha, tis King Gatesway, and his trusty thoroughbred
Wattkomm. Hehimself has come to rile up your adventurous spirit, and to
bring this vile treacherouscombination of Sategllib and Wyndoes to a
satisfying shutdown." The crowd was in afrenzy now. Chants of "Gatesway"
made their way into the king's aged ears insurround sound.

King Gatesway rode out in the middle of the square, surrounded by hundreds
of loyalcitizens, wish to know what was their fate. He spoke slowly, yet
surely... "Citizensof Dos-a-lot, we have lived peacefully for many years
now. It is a sad fact, but rememberthat Sategllib provided us with this
tract of land on which we could prosper.Unfortunately, an oversight in the
original clause forced us to allow him to bring theevil dragon Wyndoes
here, in which to wantonly graze on our resources. It wasn't as bad aswe
thought, we could banish him when we wished, and summon him when we needed
him. Itwasn't a bad situation at all. But when, Sategllib terminated
Wyndoes, and brought in anew dragon. A larger dragon. A more
resource-hungry dragon by the name of..."

"Wyndoes 95." a nasal voice said.

The crowd turned to see where the voice came from. Just then, the sky
turned black andthe trees became alight with fire! Riding on the new dragon
Wyndoes neck, was the evilSategllib! Wyndoes, who was rumored to weigh over
100 megabytes and growing each day,towered over the small castle of
Commandcom.

He spoke with a nasal voice that was difficult to understand, yet annoying
to the ears."Yes, you heard me correctly. Wyndoes 95! We have come to
abolish you, and your pettykingdom! Dos-a-lot is no longer necessary!"

A circle opened up around King Gatesway, as he stood alone. Everyone else
cowered asfar as they could. Now he spoke loudly, and with conviction.
"Sategllib! Do you takeus for fools? Our great wizards know of Wyndoes 95
and it's weaknesses. You know very wellyou cannot rid of us, for without
us, you cannot feed Wyndoes' voracious appetite forresources! Yes, even
Wyndoes 95 will require the services of Dos-a-lot!"

Sategllib beamed broadly, revealing his billion dollar pearly whites.
"Yourwizards are obviously not up to par. Do they know any weaknesses for
my next dragon? Hmmm?I present to thee, the new and improved Wyndoes...
Wyndoes EnnTee!!!"

A huge dragon, easily twice the size of Wyndoes, appeared. Several more
appear fromeach side of the castle. When eight had appeared, Sategllib
announced, "These are theWyrkstayshuns... And now meet the grandest one of
all, Sirvir... HAHAHA!" Agargantuan Dragon, easily twice the size of the
Wyrkstayshun Wyndoes EnnTee's erupted fromthe ground. Immediately all the
Wyrkstayshun's connected with the Sirvir.

They failed to connect, and were left hopeless unaware of what to do.
Wyndoes 95 triedto connect with Sirvir, and he suffered from a Jenerl
Protekshun Fallt. His weaknessrevealed, he had no choice but to go into Dos
mode. Sategllib was quick to point..."No matter, the Sirvir alone will
crush you all! Now, Gatesway. Kneel before me andprofess the greatness of
the Wyndoes family."

Gatesway dropped his great sword, "Pentium" and descended from his
noblestallion. He began very slowly to drop to one knee. "We may not
provide you with thebest means to visit the information superdirtroad, and
alas Wyndoes is the way to dothat."

I yelled out, "No! Not you, oh great King Gatesway, surely you jest?"

Gatesway turned to me and waved me back. "Sir Optimize, please, it is not
yourplace." His knee dropped even lower, almost touching the ground now.
"Dos-a-lotcannot compete in productivity, and alas Wyndoes is the way to do
that."

I could hardly look anymore.

As Gatesway knee was mere inches from the ground, he said, "Dos-a-lot has
been inexistence for much longer than it perhaps should of, because of it's
ability to entertainbetter than Wyndoes. And alas Wyndoes..."

Sategllib was foaming from the mouth, "YES?!? YES!?! GO ON..."

"along with Dy-rect-ecks..."

Sategllib looked very disheveled now, his glasses nearly falling off his
face,"REMEMBER THAT I CREATED YOU, AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU..."

"is simply the..."

"SPEAK NOW!!!"

"WORST GAMING PLATFORM EVER DEVISED!!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT,EVERYONE!!! FIGHT
FOR DOS-A-LOT!!!"

I turned around and already the war had begun. The more veteran Dos-a-lot
citizens,along with the Coders of the Look-up Table jumped into action.
Micro$oft's rather largearmy of public relations marched over the hill, as
the Sirvir torched various clusters ofthe land. Who will win? I know not,
for the battle still rages on.