| Perspective on Life,
borrowed from: George Costanza
The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your
time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you
get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back
into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating
... then you finish off as an orgasm."
|
| And so it begins
Viagrod.jpg
Surprise.jpg
|
| Q's
and A's
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad
life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's
just be friends."
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other
saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people
are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they
make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl
and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have
Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the
better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man
who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls
and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q. What's the difference between a bitch
and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody
at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party
except you.
Q. What's the difference between love,
true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's
skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only
you do it by yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they
have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs
chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for
an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at
the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of
coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at
the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the
last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head
nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead
are all in third grade: Who has the biggest breasts?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. The three words most hated by men
during sex?
A. "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear
when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
|
| How Easter Eggs are made
EasterEg.jpg
|
| Interesting !!!!!
In PRISON...you spend the majority of your
time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in
a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one
meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour
with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security
card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV
and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends
to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your
family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses
to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life
looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
|
| Thoughts on beer
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer
I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer
and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
all day.
Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when
they aren't drunk, they're sober. - William Butler
Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
drunk to spend time with his fools. - Ernest
Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.
That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the
time.
Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack
of alcohol.
Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue
the one activity that
truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat,
hairy girls.
Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't
even have the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork
to my lunch?
W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave
up reading.
Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life.
Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than
a frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer
the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop
of sweet, tasty beer.
Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such
as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in
beer.
Dave Barry
|
| sThe difference of women
when they are 8, 18, 28,38,48,58 (in Greeklish)
Poia einai I diafora ton ginaikon sta 8
sta 18, 38, 48, kai 58?
8 - Tin pigaineis sto krebati kai tis les
ena paramithi
18 - Tis les ena paramithi kai tin pigaineis
sto krebati
28 - Den iparxei logos na tis peis kanena
paramithi kai tin pigaineis sto krebati
38 - Sou leei ena paramithi kai se
pigainei sto krebati
48 - Tis les ena paramithi gia na min pas
sto krebati
58 - Einai paramithi apo mono tou, opote
den mpaineis ston kopo
|
| Wanna find out your fortune
?
Fortune
|
| Sane cows !!!!
Cows.jpg
|
| Withdrawn Ericsson advertisement.....
ericsson.jpg
|
| THIS IS FOR MEN WHO ARE TIRED
OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings
it.
How do you know when a woman is about to
say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man
once told me."
If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him
in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95%
of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", >
I said "Dust"
In the beginning, God created the earth
and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, no-one has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that
in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son"
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are beautiful.
|
| Malaysian Signs :)
Malaysia1.jpg
Malaysia2.jpg
Malaysia3.jpg
Malaysia4.jpg
|
| Be tactful !!!!!
1. I'd like to shag your brains out, but it appears
that someone beat me to it.
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want
the money?
3. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but
if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
4. If you're going to regret this in the morning,
we can sleep until the afternoon.
5. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I wouldn't dance with
you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must
have misheard me. I said you look fat in that skirt."
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I
seem to have lost mine.
7. I'm new in town, could I have directions to
your house.
8. You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.
9. I may not be the best looking guy here, but
I'm the only one talking to you.
11. I seem to have lost my bed. Can I use yours?
12. Hi my name is ******* remember it, cause you'll
be screaming it all night long.
13. (To be used to the uglier of two girls):
Guy: "Do you want
to dance?"
Minger: "Yes I
do."
Guy: "Go on then,
off you go, I want to talk to your mate."
14. If your left leg was Christmas and your right
leg Easter, can I visit you between the holidays?
|
| What the HELL....
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a
lot of fun down here... you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers...
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some
more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.If
you get cancer no biggie-you're already
dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's... awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack,Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt...
well, you're dead anyhow.
Guy: That's fantastic.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want-you're dead who
cares! OD!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a
cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: Ooooh. Bummer. You're gonna hate Fridays
|
| Sex over 80....
There's a pensioner couple, both about 80, on
a sentimental holiday to the place where they first met.
They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Remember first
time we had sex together,
over fifty years ago? We went round the corner to the gasworks.
You leaned against the fence and I gave you one from behind".
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well".
"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll
round there and I'll give you one for old times sake?".
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like
a good idea", she answers.
There's a chap sitting
at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle
to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two
pensioners having sex
against the gas works fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along,
leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the gas works and make their
way to the
fence.
The old lady lifts her
skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around
and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen.
They are bucking
and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for
about forty minutes.
She's yelling
"Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they
both collapse panting on the ground.
The watching guy is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know.
He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether
they still have sex like this.
After about half
an hour of lying on the ground in recovery, the old couple struggle
to their feet and get their clothes back on.
The guy, still
watching, thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train.
I've got to ask
him what his secret is.'
As the couple
pass, the chap says to them, "That was something else,you must have
been shagging for about forty minutes.
How do you manage
it?
Is there some
sort of secret?"
"No, there's no
secret", the old man says, " fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified".
|
| Top five sexualTop five sexual
jokes of 1999
> Number five
> A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her
> and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick
is as hard as your elbow, I'm
> in room 221."
> Number four
> A businessman boards a flight and is seated
next to a gorgeous woman.
> He notices she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her about
> it and she replies, "This is a very interesting
book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises
and Jewish men have the
> biggest diameter penises. By the
way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Goldman, nice to meet you."
> Number three
> One night, as a couple lays down for
bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got
> a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.
> A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
> Number two
> Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home
one day to confess to his wife that he had
> a terrible compulsion. He had an urge
to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested
that he should see a sex therapist to
> talk about it, but Bill said he would
be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
> home. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
> Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that
I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the
pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
> "Yes, I did."
> "My God, Bill, what happened?"
> "I got fired."
> "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh...she got fired too."
> And the number
one sexual joke of 1999
> A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast
> table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together."
> "I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
>"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive
some old times."
> Whereupon the two stripped to the buff
and sat down at the table.
> "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago."
>"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
>"One's in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal."
|
The Beatles Collection
>> LET IT
BE
>> -----------------------
>> When I find my code in tons of trouble,
>> Friends and colleagues come to me,
>> speaking words of wisdom:
>> Write in C.
>>
>> As the deadline fast approaches,
>> And bugs are all that I can see,
>> Somewhere, someone whispers:
>> Write in C.
>>
>> Write in C, Write in C,
>> Write in C, oh, Write in C.
>> LOGO's dead and buried,
>> Write in C.
>>
>> I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
>> For science it worked flawlessly.
>> Try using it for graphics
>> Write in C.
>>
>> If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
>> Debugging some assembly,
>> Soon you will be glad to
>> Write in C.
>>
>> Write in C, Write in C,
>> Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
>> BASIC's not the answer.
>> Write in C.
>> Write in C, Write in C
>> Write in C, oh, Write in C.
>> Delphi won't quite cut it.
>> Write in C.
>> YESTERDAY
>> -------------------
>> Yesterday,
>> All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
>> Now my database has gone away.
>> Oh I believe in yesterday.
>>
>> Suddenly,
>> There's not half the files there used to be,
>> And there's a milestone
>> hanging over me
>>
>> The system crashed so suddenly.
>> I pushed something wrong
>> What it was I could not say.
>> Now all my data's gone
>> and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
>>
>> Yesterday,
>> The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
>> I knew my data was all here to stay,
>> Now I believe in yesterday |
>> IMAGINE (John
Lennon)
>> ---------------------
>> Imagine there's no Windows,
>> It's easy if you try.
>> No fatal errors or new bugs
>> To kill your hard drives.
>> Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
>> Leaving us in peace
>>
>> Imagine neverending hard disks,
>> It isn't hard to do.
>> Nothing to del or wipe off
>> And no floppy too
>> Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
>> Sharing all his money oooh...
>>
>> You may say I'm a hacker,
>> But I'm not the only one.
>> I hope someday you'll join us
>> And your games will fit in RAM
>>
>>
>> Imagine 1-Giga RAM
>> I wonder if you can.
>> No need for left-shifts or setups
>> And no booting again and again.
>> Imagine all the systems
>> Working all life-time
>>
>> You may say I'm a hacker,
>> But I'm not the only one.
>> Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
>> And then I'll make Windows run. |
|
Just have fun....
|
| Some Wisdom
> >A bus station is where a bus stops. A train
station is where a train stops.
> >On my desk, I have a work station...
The depth
> A guy and a girl are having sex when they both
say, "I'm really
> hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing
in the house so
> they both have an argument over who should
go get the food
> and drink.
>
> After a while they decide to have a contest.
Whoever can come
> up with the best poem would be the one to stay
in bed.
>
> They both think for a while when the guy says,
"Okay, I got
> one. Two times two is four plus five is nine,
I can pee in yours
> but you can't pee in mine".
>
> So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay
two times two is
> four plus five is nine, I know the length of
yours but you'll never
> know the depth of mine."
IQ test
IQ.htm
Joke
Q. Why are air conditioners like PC's?
A. Because they both work properly until you open
windows.
|
| Banking....
> > > >A guy in a mask bursts into
a sperm bank with a shotgun."
> > > >
> > > >Open the fucking safe" he
yells at the girl behind the counter.
> > > >
> > > >"But we're not a real bank"
she replies.
> > > >
> > > >"We don't have any money;
this is a sperm bank".
> > > >
> > > >"Don't argue!.......... Open
the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"
> > > >
> > > >She obliges and once she's
opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles
and drink it".
> > > >
> > > >"But it's full of sperm!"
she replies nervously.
> > > >
> > > >"Don't argue, just drink it"
he says.
> > > >
> > > >She takes the cap off and
gulps it down.
> > > >
> > > >"Take out another one and
drink it too" he demands.
> > > >
> > > >She takes out another and
drinks it as well.
> > > >
> > > >Suddenly the guy pulls off
the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.
> > > >
>> > >"Not that fucking difficult,
is it?"
|
| Only
in Australia ...
>> > > > >
>> > > > > This is a story in a local paper.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Recently a routine police patrol parked
outside a local pub.
>> > > > > Late in the evening the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > After what seemed an eternity and
trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which
he fell into.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > He sat there for a few minutes as
a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
>> > > > > Finally he started the car, switched
the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators
on, then off, tooted the horn
>> > > and then switched on the lights.
>> > > > >
>> > > > >He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more
>> > > minutes as some more vehicles left.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > At last he pulled out of the car park
and started to drive slowly
>> > > down the road. The police officer,
having patiently waited all this time,
>> > > now
>> > > > > started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, promptly
>> > > pulled the
>> > > > > man over and carried out a breathalyser
test.
>> > > > >
>> > > > > To his amazement the breathalyser
indicated no evidence of theman
>> > > > having consumed alcohol at all!
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll
have to ask you to accompany
>> > > me to the police station, this breathalyser
equipment must be broken."
>> > > > >
>> > > * > "I doubt it", said the man, "tonight
I'm the designated decoy."
|
| All-time classic comeback
> > >
> > > This has got to be the all-time classic
comeback. This
> > > is an exactrecount of a National Public
Radio (NPR)
> > > interview between a female broadcaster,
and US
> > > Army General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy
> > > scout Troop visiting his military installation.
> > >
> > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald,
what things
> > > are you going to teach these young
boys when they
> > > visit your base?"
> > >
> > > GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach
them
> > > climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
> > >
> > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a
bit
> > > irresponsible, isn't it?"
> > >
> > > GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll
be
> > > properly supervised on the rifle range."
> > >
> > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that
this is a
> > > terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?"
> > >
> > > GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we
will be
> > > teaching them proper rifle
range discipline before
> > > they ever touch a firearm."
> > >
> > > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping
them to
> > > become violent killers."
> > >
> > > GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped
to be a
> > > prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
> > >
> > > The radio went silent and the interview
ended.
> > >
|
| gotta love it...
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He
leans over to the big
woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear
a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell
that joke, you should
know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210
lb., and I'm a
professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The
blonde woman sitting next
to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional
wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250
lb., and she's a current
professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want
to tell that blonde
joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No,
not if I'm going to
have to explain it three times."
|
Christmas joke
>>
>This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife had left him,he had
>lost his job and he owed thousands to the bank.
>After he finishes his prayers he closes his
eyes and as he gets ready to
>jump Father Christmas taps him on the Shoulder."Whats
wrong?"he asks.The
>man tells F.C.why he is so miserable and gets
ready to jump "Stop,I'll
>grant you
>thre wishes if you do me one favour"
>"Really Father Christmas,that would be wonderful.Thankyou
Thankyou!"
>Father Christmas promises him that;
>1) when you go home in 1 hour your wife will
be waitingfor you in her
>sexiest underwear begging for your forgiveness
>2)you shall go into work tomorrow and sit at
your desk.You will have a
50%
>payrise and noone will remember your sacking
>3)You shall go to the bank and you will be in
credit with no outstanding
>bills.
>
>"Thankyou Father Christmas what is it you would
like me to do?"said the
>man.
>Father Christmas tells the man to pull down
his pants and bend over.
>After a brutal rogering,Father Christmas asks
the man how old he was.
>"36" the man replied"why?"
>you're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas
aren't you?" said the
>jolly fat gay bastard.
|
| Make the woman happy!
Do something she likes and you get
points. Do something she dislikes and points
are subtracted,
You don't get any points for doing something
she expects....
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here
is a guide
to the point system.
Sample Duties
You make the bed....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets....-1
You put the toilet seat down .... +5
You put the toilet seat down, but there's wee
all over it.... -15
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort
to Kleenex....-3
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light
panty liners with
wings....+5
But return with Strongbow....-15
You check out a suspicious noise at night....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and
it's nothing....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and
it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father....-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party....+5
You stay by her side for a while, then leave
to chat with a
"friend from football/rugby" ....-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer....-6
Tiffany has 36DD implants....-8
A Night Out
You take her to a movie....+2
You take her to a movie she likes....+4
You take her to a movie you hate....+6
You take her to a movie you like....-2
It's called Death Cop 3....-3
Which features cyborgs having sex....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans....-15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise
to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort
to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts....-30
You say "I don't care because you have one too"....-800
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip....-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost....-10
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town....-15
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town
and meet
the locals up close and personal....-25
You know them....-60
The Big Question
She asks, " Do I look fat?"....-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in
responding....-10
You reply, "Where?"....-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying
what looks like a concerned expression....0
When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30
minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking
at the TV...+15
|
Remember the 80s?
Just in case you were feeling young today...
The people who are starting University this autumn
across the nation were
born in 1981.They have no meaningful recollection
of the Thatcher era.
They were prepubescent when the Gulf War started.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as
the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Atari's and Space Invaders predate them, as do
vinyl albums and audio
tapes.
The Compact Disc was released when they were
one year old.
Even worse............
As far as they know, first class stamps have always
cost about 26 pence.
Few have used a TV set without a remote control
and they don't know they
come
in black and white.
They were born the year that Sony brought out
the Walkman.
You're probably aged 23 to 33 if.........
You wore a Kagoul, especially those windbreakers
that folded up into a
pouch
you could wear around your waist.
You remember Le Freak by Chic and Bad Manners'
Can-Can.
At school, you and all your friends discussed
elaborate plans to get
together
again at the end of the century and play "1999"
by Prince
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in
a Duran Duran, Madonna or
Bruce Springsteen video.
There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie
living together.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at
a dance during "Crazy for
You"
by Madonna.
You know who shot J.R. but have probably forgotten.
You remember which policeman you liked best in
"Chips".
Mark from Eastenders will always be Tucker from
Grange Hill/Tucker's
Luck.
You remember when Terry Wogan was on TV everyday.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and
in German.
Your jaw would ache by the time you finished
those "brick-sized" packages
of
Bazooka gum.
You reckon Wagonwheels/Mars Bars/Ginger Nuts
used to be bigger.
You remember when there was no breakfast TV and
when TV shut down at
midnight, and when there was nothing on TV in
the middle of the day
except
for that test card girl with the stupid clown
and a blackboard.
You remember Farleys rusks tasting nice, but
when you had one about 5
years
ago they were bloody awful!!
You are a true child of the 80s if ....
You remember Now compilations that had the pig
on the front cover.
You never questioned why the A-Team was always
imprisoned in places that
had
sufficient tools to build an armored tank.
Dungeons & Dragons was your favorite cartoon
Your lunch times were spent perfecting swan dives
and backspins.
You've ever said "bright light, bright light"
in a strange high-pitched
voice
You know the theme tune and the names of all
the actors and characters in
Dallas & Dynasty.
You ever wished your hair/clothes/lifestyle resembled
the above (or they
actually did!).
You fell out with friends during heated arguments
about the relative
merits
of Matt & Luke.
You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.
You have ever danced (or even worse cried) to
Kylie & Jason.
Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow
have ever featured in your
wardrobe or make-up collection.
You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around
your neck without
having
your arms in the sleeves, and knew you looked
like a super-hero.
You remember when the Aha video was the pinnacle
of modern technology,
and
you can still sing all the words.
Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.
Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball
skirt.
You ever owned a thin, black leather tie(and
were proud of it), or worse
it
was patterned like a piano!
You wondered why a popular kids TV programme
told you to "Turn off your
TV
set and go and do some less boring instead".
You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy
Boys.
You have ever po-goed or space-hopped.
You remember when Keith Chegwin & Maggie
Philbin were the hottest
romantic
couple.... And when Keith was associated with
Cheggers Plays Pop rather
than
Cheggers drinks alcopops.
You wondered why your walkie-talkie didn't have
the same range as those
in
the Red Hand Gang.
You were shocked by the controversial plot lines
in Degrassi Junior High.
You remember watching a house inhabited by a
jester, a pantomime horse,
and a
woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was
perfectly normal.
You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip
of red lights on the front
of
his Capri so it looked like KITT.
"Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.
You've ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p
mix-up.
Not only did you wear luminous clothing, but
they were mismatched
Finger-less gloves and towelling socks.
When Yoda said There is another Skywalker you
wished he was talking about
you.
Wearing your hair like buns on the sides of your
head seemed like, a good
fashion statement.
You remember when Betamax was at the cutting
edge of technology
You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the
word Exterminate.
Vimto or Dandelion & Burdoch ever featured
in your diet.
You were really pleased when Pacman got a girlfriend.
You grew up believing that filing cabinets and
telephone boxes possessed
magical powers of transformation.
After ET, you wanted a Speak & Spell even
though you were top of your
class
(don't lie you weren't really top of your class)
Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate
that your wings were
like a
shield of steel.
(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally
worn with leg warmers!
(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons,
generally worn with white
toweling socks!
Shiny grey flecked suits.
You grew up in Trumpton, Chigley or Camblewick
Green.
You've rolled the sleeves of your suit jacket
up
Ooh, you could crush a Grape!
You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck
a deckchair up your nose.
You went to school with Pogo Patterson,Gripper
Stebson,and Ro-land.
Long scarves, K9, and a time-travelling police
box ring any bells.
Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured
on your Saturday
afternoon
You wore legwarmers, tried to do the splits while
jumping in the air,
while
singing you were going to live forever.
Fingermouse
You were proud of your picture appearing in the
Gallery, just before
watching
a lump of plastercine who couldn't speak English.
You fantasised about those girls from that Robert
Palmer video.
You know all the words to Hey Mickey (well nobody
knows past the first
verse
anyway).
You remember Look In magazine, and when it was
only 20p
You wondered why you and your mates never encountered
diamond thieves
whilst
out on your BMXs.
You can remember what Quatro tasted like.
Your best mate had a soda stream at home and
you were jealous.
The Yuppie next door caught you nicking the VW
badge off his Golf Gti
You remember mobile phones that had briefcase
size battery packs
attached.
|
Family Fortunes
The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants
on "Family
Fortunes" in the UK. If you've ever doubted that
the families who appear
on this show are of sub-human intelligence, doubt
no longer - they are
all morons and Les Dennis is their King...
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three
Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have
an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels |
