He's Back, He's still pissed, and he still hates just about everything. He's The Couch Critic. Read up on what he has to say. Do it and be cool.
Couch Critic, revisited
All right! we’re back like garage rock, only a few months late and obviously ripped off from something else. But, it’s cool like dat cuz I’m down with digable planets, my friends.
So, let’s begin what I like to call Behind the Times Rants and Raves. First of all, in the bad idea bin, what is the deal with R. Kelly’s gay Zorro outfit in that song about hotels or whatever? I want to know who thought this was a good idea. I’d say he was a spokesperson for NAMBLA except I know he likes peeing on 14 year old girls, not boys. I guess pink is in now, and I’m just proving my ignorance with this, but he still looks like a gay Zorro.
Bad idea 2: that Tipsy song where they repeat over and over “uuurrrrrrrrrbuddddy in the club getting tipsy.” Not only is it tough to say everybody, but the video takes place in the dude’s house which gives new definition, apparently, to the word “club.” The beat sucks as well.
Bad idea 3: that Kanye West song Through the Wire. I want it explained, in great detail mind you, very great detail, who thought having Alvin and the Chipmunks high on helium singing the hook would make a song good. Tell me now, and when you’re done explaining it to me, I will slap you as hard as I can for trying to tell me that’s a good song.(Ed's Note. I need slapped Mr. Couch Critic. I for one am all about Kanye West. Odd since I am also all about Metal the good and cheesy 80's kind.)
Rave number 1: crappy super-mark-duper hit song of the year, Brittany Spears’ Toxic. That song is ridiculously hottttttttt, with like 48 more t’s.
Rave number 2: my crappy super hit of the week is that Maroon 5 this love jingle. It’s all funked out in an Average White Band kinda way, not nearly as funked out as Kool and the Gang, but what can you really expect from Maroon 5?
Let’s see, what else is going on? Hmmmm. I don’t know. Oh, Kill Bill vol. 1 is coming out on DVD with absolutely no special features because they want to rerelease it when vol. 2 comes out on DVD so they can make even more money.
I just bought Pulp Fiction on DVD the other day, and let me tell you, that soundtrack kicks major ass. The movie, well, the movie is hip and everything, but the soundtrack makes the movie way iller.
Other movies, ummm, Hellboy, The Punisher, um, stop. Who the hell dares remake the classic Dolph Lundgren film, The Punisher? I realize it’s Hollywood trendiness that says comic books are totally in, dude, but they have taken it too far. Dolph’s performance in the movie was, ahem, punishing. And, yes, the movie actually sucked, but that doesn’t mean they have to make a remake; I mean, are they going to make a remake of Waterworld just because it blew ass?[Ed: OUCH his tounge is razor sharp, his words cut like a knife but it feels so right.]
Random facts that are important to your daily life:
1) In Madden 2004 for xbox, Kyle Boller is the fucking man, except last game he threw 6 interceptions in the first half before he got hurt, so, um, that was a bit rough.
2) Old Spice makes razors.
3) Cheese is good.
4) Lavar Arrington is a GOD on Madden 2004.
5) Ving Rames, who is in Pulp Fiction, was in Mission: Impossible with Tom Cruise, who was in Legend, a movie sort of about a unicorn that had Tim Curry playing the devil. So that’s how you get from Quentin Tarintino to the Sci-Fi channel in three sweet ass moves, my dears. Booyah, fuckers.[Ed:Bring back Beat the Geeks I beg you Comedy Central. You only need one geek and I've got him. muwahahaha.]
Back to the Spring has Sprung like a boner in Halford's Leather Pants Issue.