This time I was very excited right from the start. I had wanted nothing more than to have another Baby, after I had lost Mikhayla.
I went to the Doctors and did all my bloodsugars faithfully. I started to see an endocrine Doctor. He changed my insulin around and gave me a whole new regime to follow. Being on this new insulin, my blood sugars shot up into the 400s. This was not a good sign for me or the Baby. So after trying to decrease my sugars on my own for a day, I decided to call my Ob.
They sent me to the Hospital for an ultrasound. There she was..a little tiny baby with a flickering heart beat, 6 weeks along.
I was admitted into the hospital to get my blood sugars regulated.
WoW...I was scared to death once again. The what-if's and all that set in. I wanted to be hopeful. I wanted to start planning my life with my Baby. I just couldn't though. I guess it was a coping mechanisim.
Two days later I began spotting. This time it was uncontrollable fear that set in. The next morning I was off to another ultrasound.
There was complete silence in the room. The Doctor came in, looked at the screen and left. Not a word. I knew right then and there that my Baby was gone.
As they wheeled me back to my room, I tried to prepare myself for the news I was going to hear. "I am sorry" said the Nurse. I couldn't cry, I couldn't talk. I tried but nothing came out. I called my Mom and told her, I called the Baby's father. Still no tears..until I hung up the phone. Then the tears came and they wouldn't stop.
Once I got home, I decided that I had no right to be sad or to mourn for this child. The Baby was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't bring her back. So I went on with my life and ignored the gaping hole in my heart.
Now as I sit here writing my Angel's story, I realise that, the decision to "forget" was the worst I have ever made. I didn't allow myself to grieve. I didn't give my Child the respect that she deserved.
A little over a year later, when Alex's Brother went to Heaven to be with her, I realised that all of my children counted and they all deserved to be mourned. This is when Alex recieved her name and I began to allow the tears to fall for her once again.
My Little Alexandria Debra, a part of my life, a part of my soul went with you the day you left, But a part of you, stayed with me.
I'll love you Forever !!
xxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxx
Mommy
