The thoughts, dreams, and fantasies of a closet crossdresser.
Recently, I noticed that I'm just not interested anymore. Well, not even recently. It's been like this for a while now. Since the beginning of summer, something in me changed.
One of the things that always separated me from most crossdressers is that I believe I was more into it for the fetish, less so for gender identity. Because of this, I never fit into any transgender communities. Nor did I fit into younger communities, which seem to feel that hormones are the universal fix-all. I wandered around from community to community, never really finding a place that I belonged. Add to all that, I really suck at communicating with people, I never really learned how as a child. So I struggled with communication all my adult life. Because of these factors, I never felt like I belonged to any community.
But I loved the reactions of people, even though I never really understood how to correspond with those that showed interest. I feel that was my biggest flaw, I never really understood how to deal with the attention that I searched for. I apologize to those that tried.
So here I am...
My body is changing. I'm gaining more upper body muscle, my ass is shrinking, my waist got a little larger, and my neck has gotten a little larger. My legs seem to have lost that slight padding that gave me a more feminine look. The illusion seems to have disappeared. Damnit, I miss my bubble butt, it kept my pants from sliding off my ass.
The clothes don't feel the same. The smells of certain fabrics don't bring out the memories I used to cherish.
But in the end, I think it's mental. I leave my 20's very soon. I'm no longer young and I can see it in my eyes. My current girlfriend is neurotic, controlling, and possessive, but she keeps me satisfied. My roommates never leave the house; one had a severe mental breakdown about this same time last year and can no longer work. So I feel the need to stick around till the couple can make ends meet again on their own. But I'm not sure when or if that will happen.
My job sucks. They tried to pull a fast one on me and have me train some new people for "future expansion". They basically tried to get me to train my replacements. They backed down once I confronted them on it. But I do have some help now, so I won't be working 50+ hour weeks anymore. I know I have to watch my ass though.
Now, I'm not looking to be a drama queen. This is more me writing my thoughts down and informing people of the reason of why I disappeared. I’ll probably still stick around in a handful of sites, but the days of me posting pics and videos is over.
Time will tell. I'll probably be back sometime; If not this community, maybe another. I'm a little too much of an exhibitionist to stay away forever. But it's time to pull back.
Thanks for all the comments and take care everyone.
- Dee
My Xtube Profile
You can find download links to my vid clips here. I'll try and keep it updated, but message me if you find a dead link.
Not much other than that. I'm dying for some sunshine and fresh air and plan to take a hike out on the Oregon coast my first day off. For those unfamiliar with the area, google images for Ecola State Park. You'll understand why it's a good decompression destination for all overworked souls.
Not much new going on. I've been super busy and a little grouchy. Being overworked and underappreciated does that to a person.
Topping things off, I lost my hard drive. So all my pics and vids were lost as well. Thankfully, I had most everything uploaded to rapidshare, but all my originals and raw videos were lost. Not a real big deal, you really only can move forward in life.
However, I'm still have no free time to make anything new. Not yet anyways.
That's all for now.
Pics will be up again in time. It really sucks to have lost all those great comments.
Luckily, the last few weeks, the weather has kept me working near Portland so I was able to get a few new things made. I made a few more ass wiggle tease clips
I checked out Xtube.com and wasn't too impressed. I stuck around for 2 days. They wanted me to change the music on my videos and remove my watermarks. Despite me being an amateur that isn't seeking other to centralize their thoughts, this wasn't acceptable for me. It wasn't worth rendering every single video I have since the originals are buries somewhere deep within my archive DVD's. Not worth it.
I posted a few tame clips on Youtube and got some great
reactions. Only one negative bible thumping troll tried to harass me. I
figured I fooled him and he was ashamed for being turned on by a guy
in drag. It made me laugh.
Other than that, I still have some clips I don't know what to do with yet
since they are not my normal stuff and I've gotten a little out of the
habit of posting harder stuff. We'll see.
I can feel spring getting closer. I need sunshine and the Oregon
wilderness badly. Soon, I hope. Let's hope the hedgehogs get it right.
I have some thoughts in my head. Pretty complex. I hope to voice them here soon.
In fact, I'm missing you all.
With all of the attention I got in december, it's so
hard to go back to nothing. It made me feel better in my own little world.
Now, nothing as I sit in a lame office with an unmonitored connection for
the first time in the last few weeks. What exhibitionist doesn't like
attention? I'll freely admit is.
I have a handful of new pics, nothing too grand, I'm hoping to share.
Stuff from the last month that involved dildos and plugs that never got
shared. I wanted too, but only a handful were decent enough that I felt
were worthy of sharing.
I recently posted one of my leggy teases to Youtube, wow. Lots of emails again, haven't been able to keep up with them.
The last few weeks have been great. I practiced poses, makeup, and loaded up on new pantyhose. I made a bunch of sets that I was fairly satisfied with, other than feeling my legs looked too muscular/stringy from all the jogging I've been doing.
I'm not going away. It's just that if anything new comes out of me will be a total unexpected treat. Maybe I should have saved all those outfit sets and spread them out more. But then, most were all made from that same black miniskirt. I really liked it, it felt nice.
What really sucks, is that I didn't get to make the set I was working up towards. All that experimenting with poses and camera angles was leading to something. I bought a fairly expensive red minidress that was skin tight and looked awesome. Think Kelly Bundy style, as I can't think of any other reference.
I was also planning on replacing my cheap wig. Though I never decided on the color. Step by little step. Hopefully, I'll replace my camcorder soon. Until then, no high quality vids.
First off, I just plain suck at corresponding and online flirting. I never know what to say. It's not that I'm stuck up or uninterested, I'm just shy by nature. I can guarantee I'm flattered by any comment I get, but I never know what to say in return. Many times, I've had an email sitting in my inbox that deserved a proper reply, but never sent one. All because I never exactly what to say. So, to the recent admirers, don't be offended if you never hear replies from me; I'm shy.
I'm amazed how much unshared footage I have. I've taken
600+ megs worth of photos and have only shared 20 megs. I have gigs of raw
mpegs, yet share such few clips here and there. Hell, I have 20 gigs of my
non-CD exploits. Most things never shared
have my face (which I'm still not comfortable sharing) or just plain suck.
The other thing on my mind is colors. In my mundane world, I wear black
and grey. No, I'm not emo, it's just my favorite color. As I CD more, I
find that I do better in brighter colors, because black doesn't translate
very well for someone of my skin tone. I hope to someday find colors that
totally look great on me, but it's hit or miss with me since I've always
been horrible with colors. The clothing I do have is a mix, which I find
that I really do suck at mixing and matching.
So, since I have some time to find a good combo the next
few weeks, we'll see if I learn anything about matching colors.
Also, I was thinking. I've talked about my childhood
and how I got started. Thank the gods, I didn't have access to the
internet, a camera, or a camcorder back then. I'd would have been posting
pics of myself, at 12 year old, as a crossdresser; which probably would
have had me in jail or in major trouble by the standards of this country.
An empty apartment, a few weeks at home, no sexual outlet (i.e. no current girlfriend), and a few bottles of rum that I haven't had the chance to touch in over a month.
For you my faithful stalkers, this means more pics, and maybe some video payoff if I get around to getting a new camera. Let's find out together! I'm interested in the pics you want to see since I feel my last few sets were pretty much the same poses.
Again, I apologize to those who were waiting for custom sessions. With my camcorder dead, the status of those sessions is in limbo. I don't know when I'll be able to get around to making them again, if at all. Hopefully...
There were 3 sessions on there, 2 custom made clips for admirers. I'm apologizing ahead of time to those I made the clips for. My time has been slim as it is to make the ones I had, so
Next camera I'll get will probably be digital, so I think the clips on the tape is gone for good. I'll try and redo the custom clips, but it's always so hard catching that same mood.
I added a link to a new Flickr gallery, if you've come across only a few. Mostly my tame stuff, but it's another place to share. I'm looking into what else I can do around here.
On a side note, I hit a record. For the first time in my
life, I've had a girl dump me in as little as 1 week. If I didn't have bad
luck, I'd have no luck at all. Good news is, she wasn't a very nice
person. So it's good for me I didn't try and make it work out of
desperation (I really needed to get laid).
I've been considering changing things up around here. I keep wanting to
add a few things that my basic html layout can't handle, but I don't want
to take the time to learn all the new code and redesign everything.
Combined with my limited time as it is, I don't know what I'll do.
On a good note, I am now 20,000 dollars away from paying
off my student loans.
During my time away, I had some pretty intense dreams. I'm considering
posting them in a fantasy format. I'm sure someone else will get a kick
out of them.
That basically means I won't be able to check things very often, not that I've been updating much lately. Same basic routine I've been doing the past couple of years.
I've been taking things cautiously on Multiply recently. It sounds like they're trying to force the adult users and content out. Since I don't know of any other site that lets you store unlimited vids and pics, I'm just being careful trying not to draw any unwanted attention. This sort of means not posting anything new there.
Other than that, same thing as always. I'm sort of out of ideas what to make and share. I'm sure someone out there has some really hot ideas.
I made another dildo on the pole clip. It's probably the last one I'll do. It was pretty hot, but I didn't like the camera angle when everything was done.
I've been getting advice on getting some new pantyhose since all of mine have runs in them. The shiny ones are my favorite and I really needed some good ones that would fit me since I seem to be in am inbetween size. By all means, if there are experts out there that can give tips, email me. My Bio has my physical stats for helping find something just right.
My shoulders are getting pretty broad, less fem like. This always happens during summer as I go climbing whenever I can. I don't climb rocks, it's more along the lines of mountaineering, climbing to the top of the cascade foothills. There's not too much rope invloved.
Added an up to date photo collection in the recent video posts. If a password pops up, it's "slut".
Summer is a good time for me. It's the time I get away from work for a few months (retrain and certifications) and get some balance in my life. Nothing better than hiking the foothills in Oregon during the summer. Last week, I spent 5 days in the hills around Mt. Jefferson.
I've been neglecting this site. I have a few clips and new photos I haven't shared here yet, but are available via my Multiply profile. I'll get around to updating the posted video section soon. It feels like I'm juggling too many sites and profiles right now.
Not much else, I'll have to update my favorite comments soon. I've gotten so many from Multiply.
One thing I noticed about Multiply is that you get a lot of contacts fast, but nobody really talks to one another. The flaw of the sight is that everyone has so many contacts that you can lose track of people that have updates on their site even though you get update emails.
Other than that, I've been staring at some old stuff on my computer. I've been at a loss as to what to do next. Since I haven't come up with any new ideas to shoot, other than my last batch of pictures, all that is left is my old clips. I don't know if I like them anymore so I don't know if it's worth it to go back and re-edit them now that I have a real video editor.
I've pretty much abandoned Yahoo 360. They want everything Disney friendly and that's not my style. Even after editing the photos and covering up what they deemed "offensive", they told me to stop it or they'd ban be. Wasn't worth it anyways, those social networks are popularity contests and I'm not enough of a drama queen to keep people constantly interested.
I've shot a few new pics recently. Mostly me practicing my Shibari knots on my legs. Every once in a while, I have to practice some of my knots. Since my favorite site was shut down, I'm looking for somewhere new to share my things.
No offense to anyone, but it it so hard finding a crossdresser community that isn't full of 40+ year olds. I mentally relate to a younger crowd and there is a lack of a community. Not being feminized seems to alienate me from the older crowd.
One of my stalkers sent me 4 bottles of Costa Rican rum
in exchange for a private video. Done and done, but the clothing choices
were different. Mostly vintage stuff. Full body girdle, silk stockings,
and other things from 50's and 60's. It was one hell of a wild
session. I guess someone out there found out how crazy I get when drunk.
=)
What else. I passed up on a opportunity to meet with someone.
Chickened out more like it. More on that later, it's an interesting story.
Other than that, I've tried to get my Yahoo 360 site up and running. I don't know if it's worth it, but it seems a whole 'nother community to integrate myself into. /sigh...
To hold the horny over till I get the clip edited, I posted an older one, Pantyhose #3. It was made before the wig and corset, but seems to be a favorite for the leg fans.
Speaking of communities, I'm wondering if there's some community/networking sites like Alt.com without all the subscription BS. Something that not only caters to the CD/TV crowd, but also to those of us that are also Shibari/Kinbaku tops/riggers. If you know of any, drop me an email.
I guess it also means that all of you will probably have some new content to enjoy pretty soon.
So the question is, what to do?
I've been running out of ideas and I hate doing the same thing more than twice, it's just a personality thing. I don't want to be the person that posts the same crap over and over again. My stuff is already repetitive as it is.
I've got a few ideas from my inbox, but a week is a very long time. Schoolgirl outfit is top on my list, I've never tried it before it it might be great. Someone requested some closeups, planning on that. Other than than this and having a bit of fun, I have no ideas.
There you go. I'll probably update a few times this week since there's nothing else to do with the weather sucking and recovering from an injury (had a 100 lb cable spool roll onto my ankle, ouch!).
I shared the clip. As always, I was flattered by the comments the clip brought me. I thank you all that enjoyed it. What I felt was almost a little too personal to share, others felt was hot. The mob has spoken in a positive way, they loved it. So again, thanks for the comments.
I posted this elsewhere, but I'm posting this here. It's a list of places I buy things...
laceandfrills.com - I hate giving this source up because I don't want to compete for the good stuff. They're discreet, good people, and have a great selection. Bonus points from me for them being located in Oregon. Stay away from the 36B, 36C, 38B, and 38C....they are mine!
Electrique Boutique - I don't remember how discreet they were, but never found a cheaper source for shoes and boots. They also have decent, cheap wigs too.
I found it interesting that being away from my naughty habit for months that I was able to pick it back up so quickly after making more teaser clips. But I am pretty disappointed in my collection. It's either boring, unsexy, or expensive. I see other peoples collections out there and they're cute or have better taste. But I'll save that rant for another time.
I don't know why, but I always seem to do really crazy things when drunk. The last session I did, I was tanked pretty good and things got way too intense when I was playing with a dildo. Fuck, it felt really damn good and I went to town on the thing wishing it were a real cock. Days later, my ass still had that "needs attention again" itch.
Problem here is, I don't know if I'm going to share the clip to anyone else except who I made it for. I'm not denying the clip because I want attention and people begging, the clip is just a little uncomfortable for me to release. It's that...personal? I guess is the feeling.
One last thought. April is coming fast and I get to stay in Portland for most of that time. During some of that period, I will be housesitting for some family friends. I definitely plan to make more clips, but am also contemplating maybe...just maybe...
I've been far more inactive lately then I
think I ever have. I'm not sure any one specific reason is the cause, but I think I can guess at a few of the reasons.
I just don't feel young anymore. I look in the mirror and I can see I'm not 21 anymore. Self-image is a powerful thing and it's depressing when you realize you don’t look as young as you once were. This winter I got too skinny and soft in all the wrong places. Finally, I never was able to pull off the full fem look; my face is to manly/unique to pull it off, my shoulders too square.
My job had me flying somewhere new every week over the winter, living out of hotels for months. My roommates never left the house when I was home. Toss in a few completely failed relationships with women and there was never any time to get into my favorite naughty habit. Life has been rough.
Finally though, my roommates took some time away from the house when I was back in town. Soon, I was in front of a camera, making a new clip. After posting it a few places, a few devoted stalkers came out from the woodwork and requested something more along the lines of what I used to make. A half bottle of rum later and I found my ass filled with rubber for the pure sake of turning someone else on.
So here's where I'm at again. I barely have the privacy to do this anymore, but I still like being a tease and exhibitionist. Oh, how I still get turned on by the comments; they still make me want to get my virgin ass pounded by the thick cock of a real live stud; one that really knows how to break a sissy in.
We'll see how things go from here. Maybe you'll get some more clips out of it.