I am Avi

Updated: Wednesday January 14, 2004

Avi's Wall of 6 Degrees of Fame

Avi -to- President Clinton: The Chair of the civil engineering department at Ohio State worked under Clinton as the Assistant to the Secretary of Transportation

Avi -to- Gweneth Paltrow: My first cousins went to high school with her in NYC

Luke Hertert -to- The Bionic Woman: His second cousin was the stunt woman for her

Karl Fey -to- Drew Barrymore: Karl stood in line with her Wednesday October 8th at the Astor Place K-Mart, she was buying 15 pairs of boxers and a "nice" scarf.

Courtney Wong -to- A Bunch of People: Kate Hudson was 2 feet away from her on 8 Ave. and Greenwhich. Gweneth Paltrow lives around the corner of where she stayed in NYC for the summer. Liv Tyler lives around the corner (2 houses away from Gweneth) and Courtney bumped into her on the street this summer. James Vanderbek (the guy from dawson's creek) ate in her uncle's restaurant. Courtney knocked on the guy's bathroom (she really had to go bad) when he was in it.

Meg Bossong -to- Bill Cosby: In high school when Meg was looking at college's, she bumped into bill Cosby on the sidewalk at Williams, and some hairy guy took a picture of them.

Morgan Kim -to- E.T., The Color White, and Bill Gates: Morgan has a birthmark on his bum that sort of resembles Tony the tiger...and Tony the Tiger's catch phrase is "that's grrrrreat"...now...there's two that branch off of that...the first one is...that Steven Spielberg is a grrrrrreat director of movies...one of which is E.T...and E.T. is in it...so there's the connection with E.T. The second is that Tony is a tiger...and Roy, of Sigfrieud and Roy was recently mauled by a white tiger...and white is Morgans favorite color...even though it's not really a color. Lastly, Morgan knows Scout Fiato...who knew his freshman suitemate, who was also his RA, Marvin Yun...and Marvin made fun of a girl who went to his high school, named Natalie Portman...Natalie Portman is in the Star Wars prequels directed by George Lucas...George Lucas is a chubby geek...now, Bill Gates isn't chubby but he's a geek...There ya have it.

Jeen-Joo Kang -to- Some People: Natalie Portman was in Frued class. Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT) was living in the dorm she stayed in for prefrosh. Tatiana Ali was reading under a tree in front of her dorm. Bruce Willis came for the hasty pudding parade (a random Harvard thing). JJ had dinner with Al Gore and Tipper (when he had the beard). JJ went to church with the Dali Lama (no, no, he hasn't converted he's just seeing what Jesus is all about). She played golf with the former president of the democratic national party. JJ's caddy at cypress point caddy-ed for Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan. Also, JJ knows some crazy homeless bag lady who graduated from Harvard. She's the only known homeless person to ever graduate from college, let alone Harvard.

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The Days Top and Bottom Headlines:

Anywhere America, - A chronically depressed hypochondriac overdoses on placebos. Fred Freder a depressed man from somewhere...it doesn't really matter where he was from...was in a control group for a new antidepressant called Zolotrex. Mr. Freder swallowed the whole bottle of placebos after a night of Must See TV on NBC. "I just couldn't take all those happy shows and happy people, I felt so alone" says Freder. After downing the whole bottle Freder felt "nauseous and gassy." Saying, "After taking the whole bottle of pills I knew I was done for. I could feel my innards making their way out...I could feel myself dying." Mr. Freder's doctor, Dr. Mike Lamzadar explained to Fred that he was going to be alright and that the pills were nothing more than sugar tablets. After convincing Mr. Freder that the pills weren't real and that he wouldn't die of an overdose Fred then became depressed over the fact that he was not picked by the medicine company to receive the real drug. "No one ever picks me...I never get picked...for once just someone choose ME!!!" exclaimed Freder.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Man with wig tests positive for drugs. Target manager, Roger Palpison, 24, had a snippet of his hair unknowingly cut from his head during a lunch break. The hair was sent to a lab and tested positive for marijuana and a list of other opiates. Roger claims that since it was not his hair he should be retested by either a blood or urine test to prove he is innocent of these charges. When asked to comment Target executive Barry Worthalot said that Target's no tolerance, one strike your out policy eliminates the possibility of a retest. Mr. Palpison could not believe the ludicrousness of the decision saying "It's a *%#@ing wig...it's not my hair!!...Don't you people understand!?" Mr. Palpison said he started going bald at the young age of 5 1/2 and his head was completely hairless by 10. Roger sent application after application to Locks of Love but he was never chosen by the organization to receive a wig. In a last ditch effort Roger pleaded for help with a Dutch group called Hair for up There. Where they finally gave him the help and hair he needed.

Rawlings, WV - The West Virginia senate recently passed a bill that makes talking in libraries a punishable offense. If found bantering with others or simply murmuring to ones self, jail time of up to 36 months can be ticketed to the offender at the discretion of the librarian. Talking in libraries has been on the rise according to a study published last year in the journal "Quiet Time" noting that since 1970 talking has increased 43%. Librarians in WV lobbied in support of the bill. A rally was held last Saturday before the bill was signed with librarians holding up signs, rather than chanting, that said "Shh means Shh." To many it seems that talking in libraries isn't a very significant issue and is ridiculous to hand out jail time for such an action but as one Librarians puts it "Libraries weren't made for your personal little play time. If you want to talk, study at Starbucks."

NY NY - Friend of three years makes classic illiterate mistake. Harry Bonning, 22, suspected his friend, Mike Wallstead might be illiterate but saw no hard proof until three years into their relationship. Bonning said mike "always seemed like he was guessing in restaurants as to what was on the menu and never wanted to read me what movies were playing in the newspaper. One time Mike even shampooed his hair with Jergens lotion for an entire week until I asked him about it. I knew it was because he couldn't read the label but Mike just shrugged it off saying that he thought his scalp was super dry." Bonning said the most condemning incidence came last week on the subway. "We were going to a jazz club Friday night and as we sat down on the train Mike pulls out a book he was "reading." After the 20 minute trip down to the village I asked Mike why he held his book upside down slowly flipping pages as if he were reading." This caught Mike off guard so he quickly replied. "I'm not illiterate," trying to ward off suspicion. Bonning however was convinced even more by his sudden answer. Bonning wants to confront Mike about his apparent illiteracy but keeps laughing every time he thinks about his friends problem. Bonning said he thinks he'll just take mike to more movies with subtitles and then try to have a conversation about them afterwards. "He's got to have a breaking point" Bonning said, "And I'm going to crack him."

LA, California - Model, Jai Calme, was fired during a recent photo shoot for cracking a smile. The shoot with world renowned photographer Edward Siegel for a Bryers Ice Cream was going relatively well until Jai started to bend his facial muscles into what appeared to resemble a smile. "Whoa...what's that" said Siegel. Jai Calme stunned wasn't absolutely sure what Seigel was referring to and began to reply "Ah, I was just about to smile." "No, we don't do that anymore" Siegel explained. "That's a mistake still lingering from the 80's...If you want to smile go on some children's show. Here we do the "pained stare of longing" or the "look of admonishment" as Siegel loosened his face and tilted his head to show Jai. "Now get off my set" yelled Siegel, "you're a disgrace to the profession." Jai has reportedly not been able to find modeling work since the firing saying "photographers think I might crack a smile at any moment and they don't want that kind of liability."

Cool Facts about Avi, Life, and Avi's Life

Fact# 198: They have wireless everything today, wireless phones, wireless internet...I bought a wireless wire the other day, I don't know where the hell to plug it in
Fact# 199: I went to the eye doctor recently and apparently my eyes are so good that I have to wear corrective lenses to diminish my eyesight...my doctor said that I might have an unfair advantage over the rest of society
Fact# 200: If I ever run out of facts I can just make stuff up

Fact# 201: Did you ever notice that everyone in the porn industry is a Star...they're not Porn Actors, they're Porn Stars. That's reason enough to join...I wanna be a star too!!
Fact# 202: I don't understand how automatic doors came about. I mean were people just like "you know, I'd like to go in that building but if I'm gonna have to open the door I can just go somewhere else." Have we all gotten that lazy?

Fact#203: I'm lazy but I think in a good way. Without me and my lazy friends we'd be without inventions like the Lazy Boy, or drive through windows, or squeezable lemon juice sold in fake plastic lemons, or automatic doors.

Fact#204: If fingernails could talk, and I don't think they can...but if they could, I think they'd choose not to.
Fact#205: I'm going to try to get a job weaving thin strands of wheat into Triscuits.

Fact#206: Who came first the Hen or the Rooster?...My guess is the Rooster.
Fact#207: I hate stairs, because stairs hate me. I was like "stairs, you want to have lunch" and stairs were like...FU, I hate you, why would I want to have lunch with you.
Fact#208: I think I've developed an allergy to Mercury and Lead based paint.

Fact#209: Money doesn't buy happiness, it buys the things that make happiness.

Fact#210: I never tire of getting tired.
Fact#211: The best thing about not having any limbs is that people hardly ask you to do favors for them.

Fact#213: Miniature murals aren't murals at all.

Fact#214: How do you think the movie would have changed if Darth Vator said "Luke I am your daddy."

Fact#215: I quit reading.
Fact#216: I look forward when in the future, watching TV will be like reading a book...painful.
Fact#217: Now, for pleasure I get full release massages...Wait did I just say full release massages, I meant...yeah that's what I meant.
Fact#218: I made probability history yesterday. I flipped a quarter 623 times and only managed to get 2 heads, the rest were tails.

Fact#219: Good new, I don't have Polio.
Fact#220: I narrowly escaped death the other day when I was almost crushed between a pair of elevator doors upon entry. Luckily, one of the passengers on board the lift was familiar with the button display and promptly executed the "Open Doors" command. A second female passenger courageously stuck her hand between the closing jaws of the mechanical monster and managed to pry the doors open with what seemed like a tremendous feet of superhuman strength. I never got a chance to thank this fearless individuals for their heroic actions. As a token of my appreciation I would like to dedicate this Fact#220 to my guardian angels, whoever you are. Thank You. Without the instinctive actions of these two people my ribcage and skull could have easily been crushed by this OTIS brand Elevator.
Fact#221: How come you never see any exclamation points in the Bible. Were people just not as excited back then. I feel like if I saw some dude split a sea in half I'd be like "Holy Fucking Shit!!"

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