My Childhood Memory

It was a brisk summer day late in October. Which would make it autumn really. The year was 1983. I'm guessing here. Actually I have no idea what year it was. What I do know is that I was in elementary school. Or possibly middle school. All that schooling kinda runs together after awhile, now doesn't it? We had just returned from recess, or possibly the library, where little Billy had bloodied his nose on the jungle gym.  So okay, it was recess.  I'd appreciate our not splitting hairs here. I remember the teacher, Mrs. um... Something, gazing menacingly in my direction.  Suddenly she shouted my name.

"Mike!" she shouted.

Realizing almost immediately that she did this less out of passion than in order to get my somewhat erratic attention, I responded.

"Ummm, yeah?" I said.

"Could you please come to the front of the class and name the 50 states while we wait for the paramedics to finish securing little Sally to the gurney?"

“Wait a tick. You mean Billy, not Sally. And what’s he doing on a gurney anyway? Isn’t a gurney a slight overreaction to a bloody nose?”

The teacher eyed me impatiently, “No Mike, you’re confusing two childhood memories. Billy is fine. He won’t bloody his nose until next Thursday. Sally on the other hand was completely mauled by a runaway crocodile that escaped from the zoo last night. How is that not your one childhood memory? Look, you obviously have issues kid, but that’s not getting you out of reciting those state names for me. Any more lip out of you and I’ll make you name their capitals too.”

I panicked. At that point in my academic career I wasn't even aware that there were 50 states; let alone what their names might be.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Teacher-Lady but alas, I cannot."

Her response was quite harsh to say the least. The class was subjected to a half hour lecture on declining educational standards and I was tasked with memorizing all 50 states by the end of the week. I went home that night and informed my mom that she needed to buy me a set of encyclopedias for a class project, which she of course ran out and immediately purchased due in no small part to my amazing ability to influence women. As soon as my mother returned I set about crossing out with black felt tip marker any entries not pertaining to a state. When I had finished, I realized that I didn't even need the "B","J","Q","X","Y" or "Z" volumes, but I kept them anyway, not wanting to split up the set. The rest of the week was spent reading from the remaining volumes the states' names in alphabetical order. And that is why I, to this day, can recite alphabetically the 50 states.