THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

* Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

* Miners Refuse to Work after Death

* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

* War Dims Hope for Peace

* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


I laughed out loud (something I never do--at one of these.  Betcha 
can't  
guess which one!

Carol Kelley wrote:

   After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, 
which 
conveys to the mechanics
problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need 
repair or 
correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then 
respond in 
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, 
and 
the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it 
be 
said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as 
submitted 
by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers (By 
the 
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.):

P =  problem logged by the pilot.)
(S =3D The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget 
pounding 
on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.


KIDS AND MEMORIES OF THEIR PRAYERS


When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer 
before 
going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, 
"Give 
us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our
mattresses."

My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 
years 
ago, and the memory still remains in my heart. Groton, Mass.

My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of 
grapes."  
Missoula, Mont.

My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, 
how 
didja know my name?" Uniontown, Ohio.

I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." 
Covina, Calif.

I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. 
Some 
child thought it began, "I led
the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio.

When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: 
"I 
pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard 
Stands." 
Tampa, Fla.

When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He 
suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius 
Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still 
snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. Oak Harbor, Wash.

When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church 
altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he 
tugged at 
her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. 
Imagine 
his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, 
"Be 
quiet until you get to your seat." Grand Junction, Colo.

When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into 
temptation." I 
thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.


>> > > > POINTS TO PONDER:


1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting 
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed 
up in 
the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky 
dunk."

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell 
the 
difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could 
simply 
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you 
haven't 
fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what 
he 
said.

9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they 
can 
in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have 
started 
with something called labor!

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



>> > > > For those who already have children past this age, this is 
>>hilarious.
>> > > > For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
>> > > >
>> > > > For those who have children nearing this age, this is a 
warning.
>> > > >
>> > > > For those who have not yet had children, this is birth 
control.
>> > > >
>> > > > The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
>> > > >
>> > > > Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.house 
4 
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with 
roller 
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded 
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong 
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman 
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread 
paint 
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When 
using 
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times 
before you 
get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit 
by a 
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already 
too 
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 
36-year 
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year 
old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still 
can't 
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show 
they 
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not 
like 
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms 
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.



 > First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was 
reading the
 > story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of 
the
 > story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building 
materials
 > for his home. She read, ...And so the pig went up to the man with 
the
 > wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have 
some 
of
 > that straw to  build my house?'"
 >
 > The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that 
man
 > said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he 
said...'Holy 
sh_t! A talking pig!'"
 > The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 >   25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the
 > Clorox and brake fluid
 >
 > =====
 > Chris Ingersoll
 > Research Technician, UNC-CH
 > vyolynce@earthlink.net
 > www.sabbatjustice.net