| 30 Things that make me smile.... (16-20) |
| 16 - Stacey Lyttle. I thought I was a positive person, glass half full and all that bull shit. I thought I could fly through an article called thirty things that make me smile without thinking, the way I figured I�d just pick a few situations that make me grin but once I�d done people being hurt/embarrassed and Shaft I was kinda stuck. So I looked at closely at my day and thought what makes it almost bearable? People. Believe it or not I�m not a people person, but not in your normal sense. I�m not a social recluse and I don�t find it hard to talk to people, the reason I�m not a people person is that I hate way over 70% of the world (approximately 95% of Americans included in that) so if I like you (even a little bit) you�ve done very well. Well who is it amongst my friends that makes life less agonising? Who is it that takes some of my shit (life�s pressures not faeces) and helps me deal with it��..Jesus. But I can�t write an article on Jesus. Blasphemy is something I�m just not willing to risk. So who else offers salvation from the regular array or morons, Muppets and rejects? Stacey. How to describe her? Well she�s a girl for a start and she goes to my college. Stacey is one of the nicest people I know and I must say it�s very refreshing to meet a �nice� person without them provoking a stream of perpetual vomit. I mean she really is nice in every conceivable way. She�s got a face that says �I care about other people� and that �light up the room� smile as well as a cheery disposition that couldn�t be further away from mine if it tried�.and yet I like her. Don�t get me wrong the world needs nice people�people to do stuff for those less fortunate and clothing the naked etc. but if I generalise, I�d say all of these do-gooders piss me off. Which is why this one is such a puzzler. I was struggling to come up with some things that make me smile for this article when she came as my salvation offering herself as smile bait. I naively entered into thinking �This will be a piece of piss, I�ll simply talk some shit and everything will make perfect sense��.heck it worked in every other article I�ve written why should the trail of glory stop here? But I couldn�t think of any reasons why she makes me smile�.and I couldn�t back out, I�d promised I�d write it, and being a cub scout I knew never to break a promise�. So I weighed it up and thought some more�still stuck�.she�s smart, charming, gorgeous (believe it or not she grew up to cuter than she is in the photo),caring and funny. For most people these seem like good friend qualities, but on these grounds I�d probably promote, partake and most likely lead a mocking frenzy along with a good ol� fashioned ass whoopin��but for some reason I don�t feel the need. The thing is she�s nice in every way of defining (definitions gained from Hallmark and Disney who both bought the rights to love and compassion leaving the world in which we live cold and void of feeling)but she�s cool with it, I don�t understand it really. I always thought that nice people and cool people were arch enemies and could never get along�.Stacey has taught me not only can they get along they can exist in the same person. Heck, I might even be all positive and nice to people�nah. She is also a P*I*M*P with a mean pimp hand (no knuckles, just hand) and along with myself she is part of an elite group who know the slave ship dance�.yeah that�s right pimps can dance to you know. 17 � Mullets, mullets kick ass. I�m not big on hair styles (which is probably why I think they kick ass). Look at them, they�re horrible. Actually fucking vile. But not in a malicious way, in a playful and happy way. Why would people have them? Who would choose to have this atrocity done to themselves, why? It�s not stylish in any way. It�s the haircut equivalent of tripe (that �Food� made from the stomach lining of a cow), they are (in the words of my good friend Louie) �a fucking disgrace�, but none of these factors stop millions of people sporting the mullet, deeming it the number one choice amongst carnie folk, trailer trash and general scum. It�s brilliant the fact that it tells you so much about a person. If I see a person with a mullet I can make the following assumptions. � They are scum, this is definite. No self respecting person would allow themselves to be caught dead with what appears to be a dead rodent stapled to the back of their cranium. Some losers may say �What about those �trendy� mullets, they�re quite hip� ha ha, I used the word hip because that voids they�re argument. Proven fact only assholes say hip. Anyhow back to the point. Try no, mullets are not �hip� they are shite, always have been, always will be�period. Anyone stupid enough to have a mullet because it�s �trendy� disserves the abomination that is sat on their heads, people are too quick to ignore common sense in the name of style�if this describes you, then you are an asshole and I ask you to please leave my website as you sicken me to the core�.go on�.get out. � They have no job, and if they do have a job (very unlikely) it is going to be either a musician aka busker, a sales assistant in a thrift shop or managing the Waltzers at the local fair. All three are scum which again proves the first assumption. I remember when I went to a fair once, I looked at the man running the waltzers, I felt an indescribable level of contempt, I also felt warm. It was weird, he sickened me and yet he made me happy. Why was this? I know it�s because I�m not him. I was happy because he gave me a burst of hope. I knew at that very moment, no matter how bad I do, no matter how much I screw up at least I�ll be better than that guy. This gives insight to why they make me smile. � They probably hunt their own meals. There�s nothing that quite tastes like freshly hunted dog is their. Don�t hate them because you are too picky, just because you don�t consider road kill a healthy meal, listen here princess, not everyone can afford fillet steak�sometimes you just have to make do. � They scratch a lot, look at anyone with a mullet and I guarantee, within a minute their hands will begin to�.wander. I don�t want to go into much more detail as I haven�t long eaten�but you know where I�m going. I like mullets because they�re fun; they�re care free and sum up the entire attitude of �I don�t give a shit�. They�re rebellious and stray away from the norm, they know they�re vile but they embrace their ugliness. They are the exact opposite of every pretty, polished appearance and a whacking great, erect middle finger to sensible style. They also are really stupid looking and make me laugh. 18 � People moaning about McDonalds. I love this because everyone does it. Everyone goes �Oh McDonalds is shit� it�s some what of a proven fact. We know its shit food�.simple solution. DON�T EAT THERE! Why are people so dumb, they bitch and complain �Oh, its so rubbish. The burgers taste like cardboard� etc. I know, everyone knows. You aren�t the first to notice this amazing discovery and I doubt you�ll be the last so shut the fuck up. If everyone followed their own dam advice and stopped eating there then one of two things would happen� � McDonalds would close down � McDonalds would start making good food Neither of these would be bad, I mean good food at McDonalds�.could happen�I suppose. But why should they change? What possible incentive have McDonalds got to clean up their act a produce nice food? People eat ridiculous amounts of McDonalds; they say its shit and then eat there again. I can see why Ronald McDonald must be shittin himself�oh wait I can�t. No matter how people bitch there�s no real alternative�when you absolutely need something really fast that tastes of nothing but grease�.McDonalds is the only answer. Some may say Burger King�.it�s way better than MacDonald�I even heard they use beef in their burgers, but they�re not even a pimple on Ronald�s ass. They are in unstoppable force, until I stepped in�.I have come up with an awesome plan to stop the constant bitching about McDonalds�..COOK SOMETHING YOUR FUCKING SELF! Painfully simple I know. How about it, instead of paying the �3.00 plus for a cardboard burger with cheese do something yourself, get off your worthless ass (that�s probably a bit over padded thanks to Ronald and his drones) and cook something. It�s cheaper, tastier, probably quicker and more satisfying. I also have noticed people bitch a lot less when it�s they who�ve cooked something. 19 � The words Cock, tit and Gallop, these are my favourite words but not enough sentences contain these words. Please help me by using them more in casual conversation. E.g. Bill � Hey there Ben� Ben � Cock! Bill � What was that Ben? Ben � Tit! See, it really is that simple. I think the world would be a better place if people used these words more, if you don�t use them you are holding back the human race and it�s progress towards utopia. For shame� 20 � My dad dancing. My dad can do a lot of things�.shout, moan, nag, bitch, complain and whine are a mere insight into his talents. Dancing however isn�t. He doesn�t do it a lot, and I know why. He�s so shite it�s embarrassing. He only really dances at the big there occasions�weddings, birthdays and funerals. But when he pulls out the big guns he�s goin all the way� You see he doesn�t dance very often, maybe twice a year so people forget just how bad it is. I think I�ve set the scene a bit wrong, it�s not just the fact that he can�t dance�it�s the fact that the only dance he�ll do is the twist. The fucking twist! Doesn�t matter what song is actually playing in his ears, his feet are doing the twist. The DJ could be playing YMCA and everyone in the god damn place is doing the official YMCA dance�.except my dad. Everyone else is hearing �Young man�there�s no need to feel down, I said young man, pull your self off the ground�� but my dad is hear Jive Bunny�s �Let�s twist again, like we did last summer��. I mean the twist isn�t that bad. They do the twist in Pulp Fiction and it looks completely badass, but my dad�.well he�s my dad for a start, a million miles away from John Travolta, he looks perhaps as un-cool as anyone has ever looked ever. He starts off fairly formal, the legs remain fairly straight and there is a slight rhythmic twist from the hips but the balls of his feet remain connected to the floor�.he begins to loosen, slowly his knees bend and not only are his hips gyrating but his feet are flying all over the place�.he resembles a fish just before execution, flapping about�.by the end once confidence is up (thanks to alcohol normally) he is standing there alone in the middle of the dance floor, there is a circle of everyone else around him, they aren�t watching in awe, they are simply standing their distance so they won�t get hit, because by now limbs are flying left, right and centre. It�s funny to watch�.what is even funnier is that from that madness came me�..maybe I�m adopted. |
 |
| Dirty fuckin' Mullet |
 |
| McDonalds |
 |
| This is Stacey as a baby. To the untrained eye this appears to be a normal picture of a gleeful young girl, however when you look closer you'll note the marks of a P*I*M*P in the making as the very clothes she wears act as warnings to those who screw her about. |
| Baby Stacey |