| 30 Things that make me smile.... (11-15) |
| 11 � Ska music, I love Ska, it�s awesome. For all you philistines that don�t know whether your arse from your elbow�.ska is a genre of music that mixes rock-steady, Jamaican ska, reggae and punk. It�s a highbred genre and kicks anything other genres ass. Nu-metal? Back on the line. It�s energetic, passionate and socially conscious. I�m sick of all these pop fad things. Hip hop, which was popular for all of 5 minutes, the music biz took anything that was radio friendly and suddenly it was the new thing�.now it�s shit. But this never really happened with Ska, safe in the knowledge that people would rather listen to pointless drivel about love and cuddly toys I know my precious ska will remain un-tainted. Anyone one that is currently a piece of shit, but wants to upgrade�.try listening to a bit of ska, it won�t rid you of all your asshole attributes, but it�s a start. I recommend the likes of The Beat, The Selecta, The Specials (Single greatest band of all time) or if you want to ease in very gently�.some early Madness stuff. Should start you on the road to recovery. 12 � Babies and/or small children swearing, it�s not because they�re swearing. I don�t find the obscenity funny�it�s the fact that they�re un-aware of their actions and to what degree it offends people. But the best thing is because the kid provokes a reaction, they repeat whatever it is they were doing. If they say �Shit� they�ll repeat in order to draw more attention to themselves, because lets face facts. Every child ever born is a shallow, attention seeking hoar...desperately trying to make someone give a shit, swearing is fair game to them. I also love the attention of people to children swearing. If it�s your kid you are in mortal shock, �Oh my goodness. That�s the first time he/she has ever done that, I can�t think where they got that from� you try to play it down and move on, hoping and praying nobody reports you to social services for being an awful parent. But if it�s not your kid, the complete opposite happens. You see the kid swearing�first thing you do is smile. Now this isn�t that big, but it gives the kid just enough incentive to carry on until�.you snigger. Not very loud and not for very long but the kid heard it. They now have an audience�a crowd to play to. Now only are they gonna carry on, they�re gonna be louder with it. They continue to scream �Shit!� at the top of they�re lungs; occasionally switching the �Cock� of �Bugger� just to keep the crowd on they�re toes. The parent of the devil child is crying practically and looks like their about to die from embarrassment�.and you�re egging the kid on. You didn�t have to utter a word but the expression screams �Go on, do it again, say it louder�.again, again, again�. And we all do it, because nobody is happier than when they�re watching a parent struggle�. �Nobody said parenthood would be easy�.but you suck exceptionally�. 13 � Soccer AM, Soccer AM is a television show that is on Sky sports 1 at 9:00 am every Saturday. It is a hugely entertaining mix of football, comedy and chat. It�s famous fans include Terry Hall (lead singer of The Specials), Noel Gallagher, Ryan Giggs and Chris Evans (OK, he�s a ginger twat, but still he�s fairly famous) who described it as the �best show on TV�. 14 � Car bumper Stickers, is it just me, or are people a lot funnier nowadays? No wait, wrong question. What I meant to say was�.Is it just me or are there way more ignorant tits walking around thinking they�re comedians nowadays? I don�t mind people being funny, in fact I have a soft spot for those who can make me laugh, but why is everyone suddenly a fucking comedian? I go on like I could moan forever but it�s a specific group that currently get my goat, yes a very small clan of titanic losers trying to be comical, well it sort of works�.I smile�.mainly because I�m happy I�m not you. That�s right it�s losers who have car bumper stickers with �funny� slogans on them that make me smile. I don�t find them conventionally funny, no not �ha ha� funny�my humour is more �ha ha, how much do you suck�ha ha�. To illustrate this point I have decided to show you some of my favourite car bumper stickers and explain why I find them amusing. |
| Oh my god, I know what they�ve done. See what they did was say �I love animals�� and they even used that adorable little heart thing to make it look authentic, I mean you know where you are with this, you think �That�s nice that they like animals�they�re probably vegetarians� until you carry on reading and see ��they taste good�. What the hell?!?! This is a comical roller coaster of emotions. One minute I think they�re animal friendly vegetarian / European types until BLAM suddenly the hit you with a �punch line� and you realise they are just as, if not more carnivorous than most of us�ha ha ha, oh the hilarity. This is comical genius, they sent me one way and pulled me another�.I think that�s what the pros call misdirection�.my goodness that was funny. I don�t know whether you can tell but that last chunk was a little out of character, it was all lies you see. As soon as you started to read your sarcasm detector should have been going nuts�if it wasn�t then I�m afraid your detector is broken. You see that sign is shit. I don�t like vegetarians at the best of times, so pretending to be one (for comical reasons or otherwise) is risky business. This is because if you openly are a vegetarian, you risk me trying to ram you off the road�.so highlighting the fact that you are a veggie is very silly�. �But wait, it�s a joke. Read the second part and we can all laugh together�ha ha� I hear veggie sympathisers say�.No. I don�t want to read your stupid bullshit sign, I don�t really want the read the second part�.listen buddy, I�m a highly temperamental person, I�m looking for an excuse to kick your ass and this is just too good an opportunity to pass up. To be fair, I don�t want to hurt you�.oh wait�I do; now that�s real misdirection. Had you goin� there didn�t I�.yeah thought so. |
| This is the next bumper sticker; it is by all means a classic. �Any closer and you�ll need a condom.� What can I say�brilliant, sheer genius. I can�t comprehend how anyone could ever create something that promotes safety and yet maintains a cheeky almost Carry On type humour. Brilliant. No�.you got me again. I hate this one as well. I probably hate it more; any closer and you�ll need a condom? What the hell is that meant to mean? Is it some kind of mating ritual? Just because somebody drives a little too close, does this suddenly mean that you must have (safe) sex with them�.what if it�s a family in the car? All of them? What exactly are they going on about�I don�t understand. Is it a form of protection (no pun intended) is a condom in anyway going to save me if I crash into the back of another car? What is a small lubricated balloon going to offer in ways of shock absorbing? Because I can�t really see anyone going �You�re a little close to that car in front�� only to hear �Oh it�s ok, I�ve got some Durex extra safe so I should be ok��.but you never know�..I do actually recommend this to vegetarians. I may have got it all wrong, maybe it�s just in case you accidentally crashed into someone, flew through the window screen, brake through theirs and land in a position to perform the art of love and conceive�..is that a bit far fetched? I can�t see someone who has just been torn apart in a car wreckage being up for a quickie, can you? �Listen, we�re both done for�.so we might as well shack up for one last hurrah��.ah, worth a try. Please tell me, what is the fucking point? Even though people trying to be funny through the context of car bumper stickers pisses me off a whole load and stirs a level of hatred that is unquenchable, they do make me smile, because I am happy to think that the type of people that think these things are funny will go around looking at car bumper stickers until�they take their eye off the road and SPLAT�.one less punk on the road�..I live in hope. |
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| 15 � Frank Zappa, Frank Zappa kicks ass. Not only one of the best musicians of all time, he had a killer sense of humour. The Beatles (the �best band of all time�) were inspired to making Rubber Sole by Frank Zappa (listen to some of his stuff; you�ll hear the clear similarities). Now this pissed Zappa off, he�d spent ages developing his Rock/Jazz hybrid genre and the Beatle come to steal his shit�.,fab four my arse. Normal people would sulk and go �Damn Beatles, why would they do something like this?� but Zappa is a rude mo fo and released an album to hit back �We�re only in it for the money� mocked the Beatles and especially the Sgt. Pepper album�the Beatles cried and knew that they got owned. Zappa is a badass in every way�.his name Zappa that kicks ass. He is a don, an actual fucking don�.I don�t think you understand. He tried to do this thing and he couldn�t do it�.only joking, not only could he do it�.he kicked ass and owned everyone at it (especially the Beatles). He is awesome, he�s amongst the ranks of me, Shaft and Raphael. Sobody once said he didn't kick ass...they were wrong...so I kicked their ass. See it's got a happy ending and everything. |
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| Frank Zappa |