Clash of the titans
I figured the only way to end this, was to go about weighing up the facts in a scientific manner, carefully comparing various attributes of each contender. These are the arguments.
Stat from the top, good place to start. What is at the top? The head, what is on the head....hair. Now this is a lot more important than the average moron may think. Both were renound for their hair, Fonze with his impeccably styled dome and Shaft had an afro that still remains legendary around the afro community. It seems that in hair style they match pace for pace, so a different marking system must be employed.....manageability. It seems to me fairly obvious who would win this, I mean in the many years of Happy Days, the Fonze never once combed his hair because it was just perfect every time, now this is something Shaft just can't deliver, he must spend ages styling his fro before strutting his stuff on the mean streets of Brooklyn. Maybe if he spent more time fighting crime and less grooming he'd catch more villains the easy way, instead of having to chase them down all the damn time. Round one Fonzarelli.
Now there are two main parts to male style, hair and clothes so it only seemed fitting that clothes came next. In my opinion there can only be one be one winner, so stand up Shaft, you got one back. Don't get me wrong Fonze dressed to impress but it didn't do it in the way Shaft did, the blue denim and leather coat are questionable and instead of being bad ass from head to toe (like Shaft) he is just bad ass from the head. Plus Shaft could, did and probably will continue to keep weapons in his long black leather coat, not pussy weapons, god damn sawn off shot guns and base ball bats, compared to the Fonze's Swiss army knife.....not real contest. Also Shaft dresses in all black; black is the colour of a badass.
So we know that Fonzie and Shaft are both badasses in their own right, but where are they being badasses? Surely this makes a difference. Shaft was raised and lives (also dominates) the means streets of Brooklyn, no doubt badass. However Fonze comes across as a bit of a pussy, I mean he lived in a quaint little village type thing, I means one of the main gangs in this poxy place to live was lead by Ritchie Cunningham who was an obvious knob jockey. So, to me, Fonze is just a big fish in a small pond, where as Shaft is a mutha fuckin' shark in the meanest pond in the known universe. 2-1 Shaft.
We know about what kinda living situation they were in but what is that they did when they were not being complete bad asses? Fonze was a mechanic, he loved bike and they loved him, it was his reason for living a no doubt a calling, and don't get me wrong mechanics are normally fairly handy looking in appearance but they have their limits. This wasn't a problem for Shaft. He was a professional badass; he was a New York cop. He lived, breathed, ate, slept and drank badass, everything about him points to pro-ass kicker, if it was a sport he'd be the best in the world. This dude was bad ass personified.
Catchphrase, why bother arguing? What was Shaft's catchphrase? Don't know? Thought not (if there is one, then I reserve the right to ignore it as I can't remember it and it didn't catch my attention and stick in my brain, therefore it failed as a catchphrase.) Now the Fonze......"Heyyy" what a catchphrase, it's hello shortened, so it's friendly, it's super cool, and it is the answer to almost any question ever. "Mr. Fonzarelli, you have failed to pay your taxes in 15 years and you�re facing a long jail sentence..." simply reply "Heyyy" and walk off, problem solved. The person will be in a state of confusion; however they will also long to be just like you and so will let it go because you are that damn cool. Fonze claws one back and halves the difference.
Theme music.....not too difficult, this may be for some as they might like the Happy Days theme....me? I hate it to a degree that I want to travel back in time and threaten the person who made up this audio diarrhea with beating the likes of which have never been seen. Now Shaft....his music was every bit as awesome as the man it represented. From the wank-chi-wank-chi guitar sound to the cheesy (yet retro, where as Happy days was cheesy and......shit.) to the pipe sound that kinda makes it sound like porn, to the awesome sound of Isaac "Career in the music industry, know for one damn song" Hayes' voice, class all the way. Shaft seems to be winning.
And what it all comes down to, fighting technique. It doesn't matter how cool your hair, jacket or theme tune is, if you are a pussy the people will know. I don't think this fight would happen, I'd love it to, but it's a mere pipe dream. The simple reason that the Fonze was a wuss, every time there looked like a fight was gonna kick off he'd shoot out a pearl of wisdom like "Heyyy, fightin' is for losers" everyone would see that the Fonze was "Right" and would go home feeling all warm inside, not Shaft, he'd whoop the Fonze's ass. Once for being a cry baby sissy, once for bullying Ritchie Cunningham, once for fun and once for being a paedophile (that's right I said paedophile). He'd whoop him back to the Stone Age and the Fonze would take it like the bitch he is, was and forever will be. Case Closed.....Shaft reigns supreme. As if would be any other way.
