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Well, I didn't make it to the YMCA today. I am planning on doing some Richard Simmons as soon as I get done here. Actually, the Y is open until 10:30, I might still go if I can get my husband to watch the kids. He didn't go to bed until 1:30 pm today so he is still sleeping right now. I don't know if he'll get up anytime soon or not, since he has to work tonight.

It's been a rather hectic day. We got our income tax back this morning, so we had to go spend a little. We have decided against the TV for now. The TV we have is just fine and there are so many other things we would like to buy. We went to Best Buy this morning. I bought myself some nice headphones to hook up to the portable CD player that we have. I want to be able to listen to music while I work out. We bought Kingpin on DVD, since it was only $9.99 and we need DVD's pretty bad. Plus, it's a very funny movie, I think. We really haven't bought to much else yet. My husband did spend $25.00 on a fiber-optic cable for the DVD player! I swear, men and their toys. You'd think his stereo and speakers that he is so proud of would be enough. I actually bought him those speakers. They are Cerwin Vega 15". They cost me almost $1,000.00 and that was only for 2 front speakers and a receiver. We've finally finished the set off. Got the center channel and the rear speakers. So we are good to go.

I am getting a little annoyed. I have been exercising, eating right (most of the time) and drinking my water. The scales seem to keep moving up! It is really pissing me off. Yes, I know I shouldn't be weighing myself except on weigh-in day, but sometimes I can't help it. It shouldn't even be about the weight, the point is, I am getting healthier. I can't help it though. This is driving me crazy. I made a decision this afternoon. I am going to have my husband take the scale and hide it from me. I am going to try and go one month without weighing myself. I will weigh myself when I go back to the doctor in a month. So, no more weigh-in on Monday, not until I go back to the doctor. Sorry, but it has to be this way. I am driving myself nuts over the scale and if I keep it up, I will end up quitting all together. In a month, when I weigh-in, I'd like to see at least 10lbs gone. I am feeling bloated right now, which might explain why the scale is being so nasty. Logically, I know that is probably it, but I still can't help but feel disappointed.

Well I think it is time I do something. Try and see if Michael is going to get up, or see if I am stuck at home doing aerobics. Either way I need to do something before I blow it off completely. Oh yeah, before I go. Do you find these floating hearts annoying? Do they make it hard to read my journal? Please let me know. Thanks and take care.

I exercised two days in a row now. Hard to believe, I know. 1 mile on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the exercise bike, and spent about 20 minutes on the weight machines. I have no idea what most of them are called but I did about 20 reps on each machine. I used a good amount of weight too. No, I didn't over do it, but I made sure I could feel it. I am actually a pretty strong person, I always have been. I used to lift weights when I was a teenager, many years ago. To this day, even being out of shape like I am, I still can make a man have to work to take me down in a arm wrestling match. My favorite thing by far is the leg presses. I did 50 reps on that machine, weight was set at about 70lbs. Then I did another 10 with the weight set at 100lbs. I always feel so proud when I leave there (The YMCA). I am going to be going back again tomorrow. I think 1 mile on the treadmill is as far as I can handle for now. I really had to push myself hard to make it that far. We put Melissa in the daycare center they have on site there... she will be 2 in April. Anyway, she didn't even realize we had left her at first, the lady said. She was to busy messing with all the toys. Then once she realized we were gone, she started crying. The lady said she was just about to page us to come get her, then she quieted down. I hope she will get used to it, or I am going to have problems. She has never been in daycare before so I am sure it will just take her some time, I hope.

The doctor called today to let me know that all my blood work came back. I wasn't home when she called but she left a message. She said everything looked good, no problems.
I took my blood pressure again today, at a different place then yesterday. This time it was 119 over 61. So, something is not adding up here. I know that your blood pressure can go up 10-30 points in a day, but this has got me concerned. Oh well, next time I see her, I will explain everything. Going to end this here. I'll write again tomorrow.

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I was supposed to go last week but didn't make it due to the weather. Anyway, I went to get on Well Butrin, to help me stop smoking. First thing they did was weigh me. The scale there said I was 245lbs, and that was fully clothed. So, I am anxious to see what the scale says on Monday. While I was there, I ended up getting a pap smear (since I was so far behind) and she did some blood work. She is checking my thyroid and cholesterol, a few other things I'm sure. Last time I had went and seen her, back in July, she had said my blood pressure was high. This time she said it was high again. Something like 150 over 90. Back just two years ago I had my blood pressure checked regularly by a different doctor, while I was pregnant. He had said it was excellent. She said she wants to see me again in a month and recheck it. She also said, if it is high again, she is going to start me on some medication for hypertension. While I was at the pharmacy getting my prescription for Well Burtin filled, I checked it myself on those big chair things with a cuff attached to them. It was 130 over 68. Now I am starting to think, since the 130 over 68 was what it was just 2 years ago, that maybe the doctor's cuff is messed up. Both times she took my blood pressure, I was in the exact same room with the same exact same equipment. If it is high again, I am going to mention this to her and have her do it with a different cuff. I am also going to check it myself once in awhile, just to be sure. I really would hate to start taking medication that I really don't need, that could even be harmful. Also, the doctor was amazed at how much weight I had lost since the last time she seen me. I have only lost 33lbs but she acted like I should be going into the Guinness Book Of World Records or something. It was almost irritating the way she kept going on about it. She said the Well Butrin would also help decrease my appetite. We'll see. As long as it helps with the smoking, that is all I am worried about. Now on to the best news, for me anyway... I went to the YMCA today and I worked my butt off! I did about 15 minutes of weight training. Mostly I was just messing around because I didn't know what I was doing half the time. I did feel a lot of burning in my thigh muscles though, so I guess that is good. I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes. I did the exercise bike for 10 minutes. I know that might not seem like a whole lot to some people, but to me, it was. The weird thing is, I actually enjoyed it! I am going back again tomorrow. I am going to try and go everyday, but I don't know if I will be able to. Another cool thing is, I signed up for a total health consultation. After I complete that, they will know what shape I am in and then I can start the 12 week personalized fitness center. I am going to quote exactly what the book says about it, "A twelve week beginner program designed to ease you into a fitness program and help you build the commitment to keeping fit. The personalized fitness center is set in a private area featuring a complete system of strength and cardiovascular equipment. Professional staff will help you set up a program featuring cardiovascular, strength and flexibility training to monitor your progress". Best of all, it's free with your membership. I am really looking forward to this. I know that I could lose twice as fast if I would start exercising, now is my time. That's all for now. Take care.

Sometimes it seems like I go one step forward and two steps back. I do so well one week and the next is shot to shit. It will take me forever to reach goal at this rate. I'm sure it must get frustrating and even discouraging to read about my failures. I would just like to say... I am human and I struggle with this weight every single day. Not a morsel of food goes into my mouth without me thinking about it first. My problem is, sometimes I just don't care. The point I am trying to make is, please don't lose faith in me. I haven't lost faith in myself. I will struggle with this weight for as long as I have to. For the rest of my life if need be. I know that I will not be happy until this extra fat is gone. I am going to work harder, and that is the bottom line. I am stronger then food. I want this worse then I want fatty foods. I will get there. This is my goal and my vow to myself. The next few lines are written for me, by me. "I will not let food beat me. I will get back in there and kick some ass. I want to be the beautiful person I imagine I can be, inside and out. I am going to start taking control again. Right now, this day, this minute. Not next week. Not next month. Now! I have always been a person of my word. As a matter of fact, I hate liars. I am not going to lie to myself. If I write it here for the world to see, you can believe it. You never know what tomorrow will bring, live for today, and live happy". Next weeks weigh-in will be much better. I am not even that concerned about the numbers on the scale. I am concerned about what they represent to me. When the numbers are higher, that represents failure to me. I don't want to fail, so I am not going to. If you are struggling too, you need to reevaluate yourself, your feelings. That is what I am doing and it is giving me a whole new focus. Look to the important things in life. Keep at this for as long as it takes and never give up. Despite my failures, I am proud of myself. I am sticking with this. I feel like a better person when I am strong. It's a great feeling, one I want to have more and more of. I will make it so. That is all I am going to say about this topic right now... I am starting fresh.

My husband won $100.00 on a scratch ticket yesterday, so he wanted to buy a dvd player. We put a little more money out and got one. I know we are kind of behind the times, seems like everyone owned one, but us. I never really wanted to by one. I have a huge collection of vhs tapes. I've been collecting for years. I was always buying out of print movies. When they get all the same movies on dvd that they have on vhs, then I'll be happy. We should be getting our income tax back on the 8th, then we are going to get our new tv. I think that is still the plan. Well it is late and I am tired so I will update again tomorrow.

Well, it's about 2:30 am, but still the 2nd to me. My page was so boring looking, even I couldn't hardly stand to visit it. HEHE I hope you like the new look so far. This is just the beginning, time permitting, I will be doing more. I really need to try and organize some things on here.

Well lets see. I didn't make it to the ymca again yesterday, or today. :/The kids did have school yesterday, but Kendra had to stay home due to an ear infection. I took her to the doctor and they also said she has allergies, so she got medication for that too. Today was her birthday party. She is having to friends spend the night tonight also. I probably won't make it to the ymca tomorrow either it doesn't look like. Depends when these other girls go home. I ate cake today, to much cake. I ate pizza for supper. Not looking good for weigh-in day. I am really depressed. Not just about my eating, but everything. The kids fight nonstop and I haven't had a minute to myself to sort my thoughts. The only time I get by myself is late at night while they are sleeping and by then I am pretty much brain dead anyway. I seriously think my 6 year old, Sarah, is in need of some medication. She is so hyper, it's unreal. She wakes up at 8:00 am every day for school and stays up until at least midnight every night. I put her to bed earlier, but she just won't fall asleep. I am trying to figure out what to do about everything around here. My husband isn't around enough to be of any help really, so I am pretty much on my own most of the time. I hate that he works nights! I feel like a single mother most of the time. I'm just really frustrated tonight and should probably just go to bed. Sometimes I don't think anyone understands me. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. The more I write tonight, the more I get irritated, so I am going to close here. Sleep well.