During one of our conversations about someone who left his parents a year ago coming to America, you asked me "Don't you miss me when I am in college?" How can I help not to -- after you have been part of my daily life for the past 18 long years and have enjoyed the best mother-son relationship during your high school days? Son, you know how much I love you and how much you have meant to me.

        With the onset of your college life, gone are your singing, your gentle voice, and your forever cheerful presence, which is so contagious and so much-sought in our household. Every time I drive past Shawmee Mission South High, I remember sending you there for the past 4 years and now the buildings still stand but without you. Left hehind is the memory of all that is gone plus photos of "Auld Lang Syne".

        To tell you the truth, even before your departure, the thought of your leaving already creates an unexplainable emptiness and meaninglessness in my life. In April 2007 you were out of town for more than four times. Each time I sorely felt your absence. But you know me -- I am not the kind of mother who would selfishly latch on her son for emotional nutrients. And I am always more busy than a bee and have my plate too full to allow the feeling of sadness to engulf me. On the sunny side, I have one less person to serve, which means less complaint from my injured back. Plus a feeling of mission accomplished!! A wonderful feeling, isn't it? With a singing mom, rest assured that things are never gloomy.

        When I emailed Auntie Xia Yuping in Boston, a classmate in one of my online courses, about my plan and goal, she thought I were a college kid, judging from the way I wrote, -- full of ambitions and energy. It turned out we were about the same age. This really says something about my tendency to gather whatever energy that I can exert and charge at full speed toward my goal. This is how I have kept myself fully occupied and will be so in the years to come. Also, as I told you that I planned to join a fitness club this fall -- one more thing to take up my time and enrol in an online course. Remember I also have your sister to keep me busy?

        I remember a saying, "A mother is never free, even if her child is away." It seems an universal truth that a mother knows how to keep herself fully engaged, hand and heart. Sometimes during this summer of 2007 you were out in the evening playing tennis or with your friend. It was dark outside and everyone was asleep inside. I wasn't able to concentrate on anything until you came home safe and sound. You knew it, so sometimes you called me from the dark outside.

        Yes, I will miss you greatly. I miss your beaming face which used to cheer me up and wipe away all my fatigue during your baby years. You were such a happy baby, with a big smile on your big head all the time. Meanwhile, I feel very blessed, fulfilled and content. For the past 18 years I have tried to spend as much time with you as I could and as you tolerated. When you were little, no matter how busy I was and how demanding my tasks were, I always started working on my projects after you were asleep. I told my friends that the only way for me to get my work done was to cut back my sleeping hours.
        Why? Because you were too wonderful to be left alone and I enjoyed spending precious moments even watching you play, listening to your baby talk. Also because I fully realized back then that the time that we were together was very limited. When you were only 10 months old, I held your little hands helping you take your first step. As you let go of my hand and took your first baby step on your own, I realized this was the beginning of your moving away from me; gradually and eventually, you will fly away like an eagle and will never come back to your first nest, except for a short visit. A downright fact. You have been teaching Chinese since your first year of high school. You might be wondering why I have insisted on driving you to their house every weekend for the past four years. Same reason. I would not want to miss a chance of enjoying some time with you even on car ride!

        When your grandparents left America in May 1990, they wanted greatly to take you with them to China. I stood my ground againt any of such attempts no matter how formidable my opponents were. When you spent a year in Beijing in 1994, this was the first time that we separated from each other and I missed you tremendously but I knew you would be fine under the care of your aunties and grandma. I have long prepared for the date of separation since the time when I played with a toddler you inside the sandbox in Green Meadow Apartment, Bowling Green, Ohio, in 1990. I envisioned you walk away tall and strong as I stood there watching you with the school bag on your back, going farther and farther away on your first day to elementary school in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1995. Indeed, you are now walking away tall and strong and are far away now...

        I have a good friend who used to be my high school classmate. We were together again in Bowling Green, Ohio, where both of us received our PhD degree. She has a son who is a bit younger than you are. Her boy suffers from muscular dystrophy from very young age. Last time I talked to her in 1996, she was crying all the time. Her children have totally changed her life. This made me think a lot about you and your sister. I cannot imagine my life without you two. You have made me redefine my concept of happiness. Since I brought you into this world I have ceased to define my own happiness in separation from you and your sister, that is, I cannot be happy if you are not. Nothing stands above my love for both of you and my responsibilities regarding your health, happiness, and the necessary qualities for you to stand on your own when you reach the age. In the process of mothering you for the past 18 years, we have permanently changed each other's life for better. I am sure you will understand its meaning when you have children of your own.

        I have been thinking hard of giving you something for your high school graduation. It is hard to find something for you because you really don't need anything. While some of our friends, like Auntie Li from Oregon, gave you gift, some gave you money. Auntie Chen Jie and Marcie have helped edit your research paper. Remember the saying, "you en bu bao fei jun zi"? You must find some way to express your gratitude to those who have done you a good turn.

        As your departure date was drawing near, I suddenly realized that there were still plenty of things that I wish I had taught you and I still had a lot to say to you. After some thought, I have decided to let this writing accompany you to your new life. On the one hand, as you are leaving behind part of your past and venture into a new life, I hope this writing will serve as a link to your future and will accompany you to your life beyond college. I know you will appreciate its meaning as the years turn. On the other hand, since I have spent as much time with you as possible, your growing-up experience is very much part of my experience and my life. Celebrating your experience also means celebrating mine. As you can see, this is a rather lengthy letter and not meant to be read in one breath. Nor is it for any inattentive mind. Take your time and come back when you feel like to. It's always online,
http://www.geocities.com/yanwenxia2/To_my_son.html

        In recent years I have been a proud mom every time your name was mentioned -- your being semifinalist in two national science competitions, your participation in national academic decathlon and many state competitions, your winning McKelvey Foundation Scholarships, your becoming Philip Evans Scholar, etc. All of my friends commend your for your good upbringing, maturity and accomplishments. Some of my friends even want their children to model after you. But you don't know you were not an easy child when you were little. I realized I would have a bumpy road ahead when you were only a year and half. In the fall of 1990 I carried you out on the balcony and let your tiny hand catch some raindrops. I told you this was yu (rain), you frowned and corrected me saying shui (water). I told you water from sky was yu. You insisted on saying shui. Boy, you really have your own mind at the age when you were expected to simply follow and imitate! In fact, your learning process is never simple and you almost never imitate me! Similarly, I don't expect your road ahead to be simple and easy. But I have confidence in you, as always.

        There is one incident which I cannot fail to amaze every time it comes to my mind. When you were a little over 2 years old I sent you to a nearby daycare. On the way there, I was carrying you, and you knew where we went and was crying heartily. I told you not to cry like that because I would feel sad and cry with you when I saw you cry. You calmed down and tried to make no sound, yet you were weeping soundless all the way and trying not to let me know. Then you resumed your hearty cry as soon as I was out of sight. I heard your cry when I was out of the room. You must have exerted great efforts to control yourself for fear of making me sad. My precious boy, your caring understanding and self-control at that young age is beyond my comprehension!

        You gave me a lesson when you were only 3 years old. I asked him how many birds there were on the tree after one of them was shot by a gun, you told me three. Why. You told me, "baby birdie, mom and dad." The right answer should be zero because that single shot would frighten the rest away. But I refrained from correcting you. How could I hurt your by telling you that mom and dad flew away for their own lives, leaving the wounded baby birdie unattended? You were right from your perspective. I have learned to put myself in other's position and not to rush to impose mine on others. Also, you are right in that, no matter what happens, mom and dad will never desert their loved ones. So was it before. So shall it be in the future.

        In fact, you have taught me much more than that with your kindness and much purer mind. Once I spanked your 4-year-old sister for getting into a neighbor's house without telling me. You shielded her body with your body and cried for her who looked at you and didn't understand why you cried. You put me to shame more than once when I made insensitive remarks or comments about other people. You are right I have too many prejudices and failed again and again in assuming moral authority in front of you. I am glad you are not like me in this aspect and hope you keep it as you grow. In fact, you and your sister have repeatedly demonstrated this fact, that is, parents are not necessary on high ground over their youngsters in this areas. To be honest, you and your sister have educated me in your own way and changed me into a better person.

        "When I am among three people, there must be something good in them. I must learn these good parts from them." In Chinese, san ren xing bi you wo shi, ze qi shan zhe er cong zhi. You may remember I often quote this Confucius saying to you and repeatedly asked you to explain to me its meaning. But you might not know why I emphasized this more than others. Let me explain to you why. When Jiajia was little, people often complimented her on her being good-looking. Whenever you heard such compliments, you jumped up and challenged the compliment, saying, "Do you mean I am not handsome?" Or "I am more handsome!" I have observed you many times that you are not comfortable when other people's strengths are mentioned. I also have noticed the same problem in some member in our family. This is like a disease, which I dread greatly that you would catch and keep. Remember Zhou Yu in the novel of Three Kingdoms? I know it might cause you discomfort when I mention something like this. Remember it is not my intention to make you feel bad. Instead I hope you can always keep in mind this saying. Trust me you will be a much better and richer person if you can turn the strengths of others into yours.

        During your high school years, sometimes I saw you stay very late working on your English paper. I was tired and sleepy and I knew you must be so, too, hence I offered my help, but you insisted on doing it yourself, even though you knew you could have an easy way out or much better paper by having my help. Son, I want to let you know that I am proud of you when you chose to do it yourself. This is how you have improved so much in your essay writing and achieved such high score in state decathlon competition!

        It always warms my heart when I recall the day I got back from hospital with your new-born sister in March 1995. It was one of those hard days in my life, taking care of a newborn and a 6-year-old you when my tummy was cut open the day before. There were just three of us when Dad was off work without taking a single day off. Every time you saw me sit down, you ran around the room collecting pillows, stacking them behind my back, and asked me to lean back. I sat there telling you how to cook pizza in microwave or asking you to get me a cup of water. Or you were reading while rocking the baby's cradle. You were like a little man, helping me in whatever way you could, a much greater help than you ever realized. You were only six years old, yet you were caring and helpful beyond your age! Together we roughed through one of those hard days in my life!

        When you watched TV about the danger of breast cancer, you came to me and asked me if I kept up regular check, with the concerned look which was so rare on a child's face. I promised you that I would check myself and I told myself at that time that I must take care of myself for that precious boy of mine.

        Both you and your sister have experienced to certain extent identity problems in your grow-up process. You were at First Methodist Church Day Care in the fall of 1993. Once you came back home asking me,
"Mom, am I white or black?"
"Why do you ask me this?" I asked you.
"I want to be white," you answered.
"Why?"
"Nobody played with Amber," you said.
Amber was the only black girl in your class. During your primary school years, you told me again and again how upset you were when some classmates called you "Chinese" because you did not want to be a Chinese. I know you have outgrown all this and I am so happy to see that you have fully accepted yourself as who you are and have been trying to make the best out of whatever you are given.

        You have read Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. I believe you understand why you were asked to read this novel. I hope you continue keeping a reading list. Make a point of spending some time on reading, not simply for entertainment but for leading you out of the shallow existence that we all have the tendency to get into. Think and reflect upon the experience of the characters in your reading. Our own life experiences are very much limited in terms of time and space, however books give you wing to fly anywhere and anytime. I used to read non-stop like your sister does now. Books give meaning to my life and keeps sanity from escaping. Do read regularly for this purpose and keep me posted.

        Again on this Crime and Punishment novel. There are many factors that have led to the crime committed by Raskolnikov. Somehow I couldn't help linking the Virginia Tech tragedy to this crime. I thought both crimes were consummated by persons of a loner type, with a mind in isolation. It seems any craziness can be generated out of isolation. I even cannot trust myself in this kind of isolation, although I have spend a large chunk of my time in isolation and lived the world of my own. Son, I want you to know that, when you are out of home, any time you need someone to talk to, I am here all the time. You can always trust your mom, as you have done before. If something seems too burdensome on your mind, unload it to someone you trust. I am especially worried for you because I have the bad habit of keeping everything within and I dread greatly of passing it to you. DO NOT ever try to keep it to yourself.

        Things have not been rosy all the time. We did experience some rough time or "growing pains" when you were little, that is, before your adolescence years. You had your comfort level and would not go beyond that and I had my expectations. You demanded entertainment and I asked for hard work from you. Remember I once cut off the power cord to TV because I could not tolerate your watching too much TV? Also, I took away your game CD to limit your gaming time. We had fights literally on every front in various manners. I am not perfect and have not exercised better control over myself all the time. Thus mistakes were made occasionally. I hope you could understand it all. I am not sure if things would turn out the way they are now if I had not intervened. Glad to have a happy ending for all the rough time!

        You emphasized the power of vision, which I agreed with you on the power of vision but I have to make you see the need to reconcile with what is relevant and what is needed to realize any vision. Remember we talked about American presidents and I told you my favorite one was Woodrow Wilson, because he was the most educated president. But he was not popular when he left the White House with the defeat of his treaty for League of the Nations. He was sadly remembered for sometime as a failed president, because he was too much wise, visionary and idealist to meet the level of popular mind. My point is any vision that is beyond the reach of the reality will sadly remain a vision for as long as the reality allows. Keep in mind you must get down to touch base with reality. You must combine your dream with reality and make solid effort to get closer to the realization of your dream.

        One of the disappointments in your upbringing is your Chinese language study. You resisted so strongly that I had to give it up. That was when you were in elementary school in Fort Wayne, Indiana. When looking back I understand why I had to let go your Chinese study. I was overwhelmed with your school work, your baby sister and the teaching job. In January 1997 we moved to Virginia and I started learning Oracle development on UNIX. I had to take some load off my back. It was too much on my not-so-young shoulder. In high school you took Chinese lesson from an American teacher and came back talking like Americans speaking Chinese! I wish you learned Chinese from me and started another foreign language in high school. You told me you could take foreign language in college. Yes, you can and nothing is impossible if you put in sufficient effort. Yet, as you know clearly it's better to start earlier in learning a foreign language.

        Lately I have talked a lot with you about your sister's education. You were there whenever I needed to talk or to be heard. To be exact, you are the only person that cares to listen when it comes to your sister's education. You have provided me with valuable information from your own experience. I know I can keep on talking to you on this subject even after you have left, but I will refrain myself from so doing because you will be fully occupied with your college experience. Now I have come to realize how much I will miss you!

        In 1995 Dad promised your grandmother nai nai that he would go back to see her every year. That was the year when your sister was born. You know what that means to me? That means work, cooking, and two children all on me alone. When both of you were young I felt I had a strong shoulder to bear it all, no complaint at all. Some of my friends knew this and gave me lots of credit for undergoing these hardships. But in recent years, with your and your sister's after-school activities, rushing home from work, cooking, cleaning, driving to places, going home like going to another unpaid job, I feel more and more not up to the task with my injured back. To be honest, I wish I had not spoiled you to the effect that you seldom help around at home.

        This summer things got so worse that one day I got back home from work finding kitchen sink piled up with dirty dishes, cups, and mugs. I thought it unfair for me to clean up the mess you and your sister made after my day's stressful work. I simply put many cups and mugs in a bag and left the bag in the garage. I don't like complaining but my energy and body are not like before any more, especially during the last weekend before you left. So much to clean, to prepare plus we had Uncle Xia and Auntie Chen's family coming over. Sometimes I wish I had someone help me around the house.

        Do you remember the time when you and dad were constantly fighting? There were savaging exchanges of shouts and yells every time either one of you opened your month. Dad even had fight with you in his dream! I was thoroughly impressed by the explosive energies and fire both of you willfully poured into your communications. Now you witness the same kind of communication between dad and your sister, unmitigated with years, which used to be between you and dad. There is nothing wrong with noisy communications. Some people are simply stronger and more energetic than others, and can pour more energies in their voice when they talk. Maybe shouting and yelling at top of one's voice is beneficial to some people's health, a form of exercise, maybe it is better healthwise than keeping everything quietly within like me.

        The only problem with it is I am a very quiet person and have never developed such kind of nerve for this intense loud noise. You don't know how relentlessly such form of verbal exchanges battered my brain. How I longed to escape to a quiet and peaceful corner! I like night time and am very reluctant to go to bed at night simply because the night quietness is too precious to waste in sleep. I asked you to change yourself for my sake. You understand how I feel about shouting and yelling.

        You remember how numerous times that I have asked you, "Please talk. Do not shout." Now I am so happy to see you listened to your mom and have changed into such an agreeable individual! It's almost like a miracle that you have changed into such a gentle boy. Thank you for putting your sincere efforts for me. As you know clearly the only reason that I stopped sending your sister to her piano teacher was her uncontrollable tendency of shouting. In fact, I have regretted greatly ever sending her there. Too much damages have been irreparably done by her shouting.

        I want to emphasize this point. The key to any successful relationship is harmony. Yelling and fighting serve only to disrupt this harmony and eventually lead to the breakup of any relationship. When I sent your sister to learn piano, I only hoped she could cultivate a love for music in her life, but the piano teacher's constant shoutings totally defeated my purpose. Now the bad memory associated with paino lessons leaves her with nothing but a dislike of piano and other undesirable feelings, so strong that she would rather smash the piano. An unforgettable lesson for all of us. Please always remember this, understand the power of gentle talking and guard against giving people the unpleasantness of shouting and yelling.

        In one sense my life has become richer and more fulfilling because of you. I owe you the strength and motivation to surmount and to achieve, and to reach my goals again and again. When you were a baby I was totally engrossed in the depth of obstacles and hardships -- teaching, working on my dissertation with the committe chair retired and with a new unqualified chair, babying you, and taking care of dad who had gallstone attacks nearly every month to complete this oppressing picture of an entrenched distress and hardships on one shoulder. I even couldn't help crying for help, but help in whatever form never came at all.

        Auntie Li saw all this and told me, "You should wait till your son grows up and get a job to support your dissertation project." Of course I wouldn't do that. If I truly love you, I want to be a good role model for you, to be someone you are proud of when you grow up. What would you like to have a mother on welfare without any education? This has been an incentive for me to focus on achieving the goal that I set for myself, getting my degree, getting into a profession and, on top of all, becoming someone you are so proud of! That was indeed a hard time when looking back. You were such a sweet little one and were a comfort to me simply by your happy being. Aren't you glad we made it! In recent years I have further challenged myself physically, like learning roller-skating and free-style swimming. You might not know this -- I did it for myself and for you and your sister. You will understand this when you look around people of my age.

        In 2003 when I got laid off during Sprint's outsourcing drive, I told you what I had in mind. I said I was in much better condition now than 10 years ago when both of you were young and I just made a career change to software engineering. The only difference was I was 10 years older now and I felt my energy and confidence dripping away. You told me, "If your brain has not degenerated you are not any older than before." You encouraged me to get into whatever I put my heart in. So I jumped into the business side of healthcare industry and into clinic research, and cancer registry, etc. Sometimes I feel I need this kind of pep talk even at my age. Thank you for the encouragement! You have been always so patient listening to me. Sometimes I felt spoiled by your patience.

        Son, I remember clearly how you rushed to me with your happy smiling face, telling me, "Mom, I got one hundred on ..." each time you got a good grade at school. At that time you seemed to be motivated to perform well at school by your desire to make me happy. I am glad that you care. In the similar manner, for some times, I was motivated to work hard so that you would be pleased and proud to have a mom like me. I have tried to improve myself to be a good role model for you. When looking back I have come to realize that we have motivated each other all these years, all because we care. Again, my life has been so much richer because of you! A thousand thanks to you are far from being enough!!

        I often retell this incident to your sister. This happened when you were about 4 years old in Bowling Green, Ohio. We took you to a friend's apartment. There you were thirsty and asked for juice. Then you said you didn't want any more when you saw the smeared cup handed to you. Other people couldn't understand why you didn't take the cup, but I knew what was in your mind. The wonderful part of this is you were so sensitive even at this young age. You didn't want to hurt people by telling them their drinking utensil was dirty.

        I am glad to see that you repeatedly show your sensitivity by avoiding hurting other people's feelings. From earlier days you repeatedly taught your little sister not to utter hurtful words to me. That is so characteristic of you! On the other hand, I sincerely wish you could greatly dull your sensitivity when it comes to remarks from others. I hope you could learn to filter out those insensitive remarks by people who never mean to hurt. You have been fortunately surrounded by a group of great friends who will become dear to you as you leave them behind and you will appreciate their friendship as you look back. As I once told you, "the older people become, the harder it is to form genuine friendship."

        Since the beginning of high school you spent so much time on the computer that once Dad was determined to disconnect our Internet service. You were so distressed that you were on the verge of crying. You came to me for help. I told you to talk to dad and try to make him change his mind. No matter what you said, he wouldn't budge an inch. You were so frustrated that you said with a crying tone, "I am not going to school any more if dad disconnects the Internet." I knew Internet had become so vital to your sanity that cutting it off might drive you crazy. So I helped you out by approaching dad with some reasons which fortunately he listened and changed his mind.

        You know you do have many legitimate reasons to keep internet service. After all that was the only channel through which you communicate with your friends from all over the world. And you do need friends as a teenager. Internet made up a large part of your life. But I was disappointed at you because you failed to convince dad. I wish you can learn a lesson from this incident and develop the ability to argue, persuade and convince. This is also called the skill of conflict resolution. Be assertive when you believe you are right. Here's one of my experience of assertiveness.

        This happened when I was in Waco, Texas in 1984. I planned to buy a camera for your aunt who just got married. I went to a millionaire-looking camera store while I myself didn't dress like a millionaire. Two salesgirls didn't bother to serve me when I asked for their service. They looked at me and looked away, continuing their chatting. Next I raised my voice asking to see their manager. This caught their attention and they offered their service. When I insisted on seeing their manager, they behaved so humbly that my heart softened and I just let them go this time. I never forget this incident and I hope you could remember this incidence. Raise your voice when your voice must be heard.

        Some people are in the habit of raising their voice in an attempt to frighten others out of their wits. Don't be intimidated by such people. They are so-called "paper tiger" -- roaring like a tiger but are actually made up paper. I once worked with a manager who could never talk. Her only means of communication is yelling and banging on the table. She was successful in overpowering some people. When she behaved this way to me, I told her in a quiet and even voice that I could hear her clearly if she could drop her pitch and I preferred to carry out conversation in a professional and civilized manner. I believed I have put her to shame when I saw her face turn red as blood. She must be aware of her unprofessional behavior and lack of self-control. You must learn to use the power of calmness and reasoning when facing uncontrolled and uncivil behavior.

        When Auntie Zhao Yi learned that you went campus visit by yourself in April 2007, she said you were very independent. I would go with you to help you make decision if I could. However, I felt you could make it yourself since you had the experience of the Russian trip, that is, if you really learned a lesson from that trip. I wrote you a letter day after you got back from Russia. I am not sure if you still remember my point in the letter. As I told you before, a wise person learns from the experiences of others while a fool never learns a thing from his own mistakes. This and the lesson of Kalu schema should leave you wiser.

        This summer, the summer of 2007, you had another unpleasant and costly experience, which I told you to write it down and I am sure you have not done so. This regards your trip to New York. Originally the whole trip, air ticket and hotel, was paid for by the sponsor. Yet you decided to stay in New York longer than the original plan and had booked the return ticket two days after the schedule, without even telling us. Later it turned out that you had no place to stay during these two days in New York. I know the subsequent events are too painful to retell. I mention it here so that you will learn a lesson and avoid such occurrence in the future. You are so young and mistakes like this seem unavoidable. Learn to evaluate the consequences of different scenarios before you make a decision.

        I didn't realize this until your first cousin brought it up. Indeed, very often your tart remarks and sharp tongue constituted the root cause of your fights with your sister. I don't understand why you have to make these remarks. I am sure you don't do it to show how smart you are. I was also surprised to learn that you used impolite words when talking to your friends. As you may recall that I have never used these words to you, where did you learn all these?

        I may be old-fashioned, but I still think respect for others is the key ingredient in daily communication, especially among friends and among family members. I once told you that the worse form of communication occurs in the closest circle and among the most intimate ones. Why? Because people feel no need to wear a decent mask when they are in private. They feel free to let go their true ugly nature. You must have realized that I have been a victim of such rude remarks in our home. Basically these people are are selfish in that they only care for their own expression without caring not to hurt others.

        To tell you the truth, your habit of caustic and unkind remarks is beginning to make me worried. Please pay due respect no matter where you are, especially to those who are closest to you. The more you care for a person, the more you should be careful not to hurt that person. Nurture the relationship that you care. Don't take it for granted. Please keep in mind these words from your old-fashioned mom.

        Talk about double-faced behavior, I find it especially undesirable to be decent in public and going opposite in private. This is particularly popular among people who care about their faces above anything else. Be consistent as much as you can. Honestly and unfortunately, I see you going in that direction. You often say you want to be a ju zi and not xiao ren. ju zi is consistent inside and outside, now and then; while xiao ren is inconsistent, wearing masks at some occasions to some people. Be yourself and be natural. Don't be uncomfortable when you read here. As I often say to your sister, you hear nothing but truth from me. I hope you could reflect on this and be guard against such behavior.

        After your trip from Hawaii you told me how you used this opportunity to meet new people instead of spending time watching TV in hotel room. This shows the sign of maturity that you have reached. I am very happy for this. As I repeatedly tell you that "Rely on your parents when at home; count on your friends when outside home." "One friend means one channel of support." I feel less concerned when you are away from home and are always among friends. Great friends are valuable assets in that they can help you and motivate you to achieve the same level of greatness. Even I have become familiar with the boys and girls that you have been together in your high school years and the thought of leaving them makes my heart sink. They are part of the past you have left behind. Friendship -- pure and genuine. Value them as you value yourself.

        I will greatly miss your singing when you are away from home. Every time I heard you singing aloud, I knew you must be in a good mood which put me at ease. I hope you will take your cheerful songs with you wherever you go and help create a relaxing and cheerful environment. Be a sunshine wherever you are. Love music, always. Sing whenever you feel like (outside class, of course). They are source of endless joy! Soak yourself in your favorite music whenever you can afford. I know how much music has served me especially in days of special needs. I hope it will serve you, too.

        For numerous nights during your high school years you stayed late until after midnight, beating deadline or preparing for next day tests. I tried to stay there with you but could not help much. Most of time I was too exhausted to be there with you and had to go to bed, meanwhile I knew you must be equally tired. I was very much worried about your constant midnight work. You know we have talked about this a thousand times. Still, your tendency to procrastinate and your failure in time management often leave you no other choice. This has been and will continue to be one of the top worries that constantly vex my mind. This is burning the candle from both ends. How long do you expect it to last? As you are going out of my sight, please take care of yourself, manage your time well, and avoid midnight burning as much as you can.

        I want to emphasize the importance of a strong character. It is no exaggeration to say the power of character can make or ruin a person. Your grandfather liked to read biographies of great persons in history. I remember talking to him about Richard Nixon, the only president who had to resign halfway. He was very shrewd, very versed in history, diligent, smart, highly pragmatic, and extremely successful in foreign policy. But in the end it was the profound flaw in his character that brought him down. It is a great tragedy to see such a great man fall at the hand of his own making. Clinton, with a great heart for the underprivileged, has tremendous capacity to bring blessing to the greatest majority of people. Yet he went through an excruciating experience for his affair with an intern. Why couldn't he say, "Yes, I did have an affair. That's my own business"? At critical moment like this, the weakness in his character took control of him -- his lack of courage to own up. The lesson from these presidents is: When something goes wrong, NEVER ever try cover-up. Cover-up is a definite NO-NO. This is extremely important!

        You may wonder why I am so long-winded on this. To be honest, I am worried about you on this matter. I have noticed many times that you have the tendency to shift blames to others when something happened. It won't do you any good if you try self-defense. Absolute no self-defense, shifting blaming when you know in your heart you have done something wrong. For your own benefit in the long run, read and find good role models to follow. Start working on building a character as strong as steel. In another word, have backbone. It will give me great pleasure to see your progress in this aspect.

        You were a rather thrifty boy even when you were small. I remember you raised your small hands to stop me from buying something when we were in Bowling Green, Ohio. You said,"Mom, you cannot buy it because it's not on sale." But you have changed a lot in recent years. Your repeated mistakes have been fairly costly -- the one made on your Russian trip cost nearly two thousand dollars, the one on your New York trip cost over half a thousand dollars. I have told you before that "It is a crime to be wasteful." Once I had a chat with a person selling something to raise money outside Wal-Mart store. I learned that a person could only raise a few hundreds dollar at best in one day by selling something this way. Considering those less fortunate and those in need of help, you have no reason to be wasteful even when you have this money. In the future, after you fulfill your basic needs and still have plenty left, you should consider making donations. There are many ways to give back, to volunteer and to donate. When you were little, I made a pledge to sponsor a child through Christian Children Fund, $24 per month. There are many children who are in dire need of help. I am glad that you have planned to get involved in CCF.

        Talking about money, you have also noticed the tendency among many people to define success in terms of dollar amount and define life's goal as the pursuit in this direction. You have long known my strong objection against this kind of pursuit and you also have realized that life is far more beautiful, worth-living and meaningful than the boring dollar. I know some people lost their spouse, health and family in their short-sighted hot-pursuit of money. NEVER make it your goal. Never become a slave of dollar. Give away whenever you can. Don't count your fortune. Count your donations. Count your contribution. Keep in mind these words please.

        You understand the concept of inertia in physics and in human nature. I have talked about it with you many times. One of the reasons for the inertia in human life is the tendency to cling to anything old and familiar and resist changes and anything that challenges their status quo. This also explains why music pieces consist of many refrains or repetitions or variations of the main theme. The process of leaving the old and adjusting to the new environment is painful to many people. I went to a boarding school for my primary education. In some way reading Harry Potter's leaving Hogwarts and returning to his uncle Vernon for the summer break struck a familar cord in me. To this date I still remember how reluctant I was when we said goodbye and headed home for the long summer break. I hope you can keep your eyes wide open and your mind fully occupied any time you find yourself in a new environment. This is the attitude that Uncle Zhang Chunsheng takes when he is out of the States into foreign lands meeting new faces nearly every month. Keep yourself busy meeting new challenges so that you can keep your mind from drifting back to the familar and feeling the pain of leaving the old. Please remember my advice.

        There is one thing that has troubled my mind. That is you have so far experienced smooth sailing all your life, never have had the kind of experience that I have gone through during my younger days -- allergic body since primary school days, military camping, factory-worker, farm-laborer, frustrations, hardships of all kinds. I would not want you to go through my experiences. Yet they certainly have helped steel a tough character in me, so that I have become so strong in my mind that in later years no failure can distress me and no unfavorable circumstances can crush me. This is what I hope you could have: tough, persistence, tenaciousness, and resilience. Be strong in your character, yet gentle in your relationship with those significant persons in your life. I heard a lecture by a teacher with these words, which is exactly what I want to say to you -- "...if there is something you want to do, do it. Never let fear, doubt or other obstacles stand in your way. If there is something you want, fight for it with all your heart. If there is something you want to do, go for it. If there is somebody you want to be, do whatever you need in order to live up your dream. Don't stop until you make it..."

        All of us, your friends, your school, and family folks here and in China, are very proud of you for what you have become and what you have achieved so far and for your being admitted by some of the great institutions in the world. When I talked to Auntie Xu Yan (mother of Yiyi) in McLean, Virginia, she wanted to see you in particular. Yet, please do remember this: great institution does not guarantee the development of great minds and past glory never repeats itself automatically. I am sure you know what it takes to become a man of great mind. With your mind in right place everything will follow.

        As you are leaving the place where you have been raised and nurtured, I am very happy that you have been on the right track in your body and soul. You know I can talk non-stop until I wear out the most patient listener and I have the bad habit of repeating myself too many times. Blame me for being a mom. But not this time. On top of whatever I have said, here are 10 points, which are made of solid gold:

        (1) Independence -- think independently; eye on your goal not to be sidetracked by outside influence, nor cave in to popularity.

        (2) A healthy lifestyle which includes love of outside activities and good eating habits.

        (3) Time management--you have realized this issue. The only thing that we are given equally in our life is time. Time means life. Keep on watching out for time-thieves, which is also life-thieves. Practice beating deadline by setting one manageable task per day for yourself and must get it done. Do not allow yourself to miss a single day. Make good use of every second so that you will not be tortured by remorse over wasting your life when you look back.

        (4) Music is vitally indispensable in your life. I don't know if I could have pulled through all these years of toils and hardships without singing aloud whenever I felt depressed and distressed. Do keep your singing habit to cheer yourself up. You have learned both piano and violin. Make an effort to keep your practice of one of them. You will come to realize how important music i