my birth name was an exercise in frustration
seems no one really used it
like no one ever really used me as recommended

they just drove their warmth past the entrance
to my movie theatre parking garage
like I was some kind of big bomb threat

large and in charge...

and every year since I turned eighteen
my mom's voice begins to ring
it's that second sin of November already
"get your apathetic ass up" and elect some petty
moron minus a clue
so there's less worry for me and you

and I asked her why she loved money over me
she slapped my face, sighed and said
"Don't take that tone, missy."

when her voice and face died
I carried on, a woman-child
dependent on guidance
trapped in my silence

the ships inside my mind
sailed repetitive pennance seas
their docks became stripped
and my soul silenced of her crew's pleas

quiet I always was
never breathing never turning on
wearing secrets as bones
missing meals was my only election

as if that pasty shell was my job
all feelings but sadness myself did rob
robbed of any place in this quid pro quo world
afraid of speaking any truth,
lest I be shushed as a bitch or silly girl

so now it's me that has to pay
I must buy my own sack of groceries today
and it is an act I truly despise
because all I ever wanted to feed were my eyes

which ask,
"why is everybody buying eggplant?"
because it's that "time of the year?"
don't they have desires and votes of their own?
or does weilding one's own sword spell great fear?

when I spy a fruit inhabited by a worm hole,
I bite right through her shiny red skin
because she must be the sweetest, smartest apple in the bin
since that educated radar worm so badly wanted in

since when was thinking for yourself
some kind of black sheep suit?
who says every tree's branches have to
bow and cow tow to her misguided menusha roots?

don't ask me how my name used to sound to me
because those brave enough to have known it are out to sea

won't somebody

scatter the ashes of that cold, hard tree
drive over the bridge and push off the urns for me
I don't want to be any part of my family
because they failed to learn any me in my history

yeah, none of them knows a damn thing about [me] ellee