and through the wall she's telling her mother my life
telling my all as if she were my wife
and i don't know what i'm doing
i didn't ask for this strife
wait
though
maybe i did

maybe a ball should have been my stance
inside to rattle and shake and romance

but it's just not my way
not to weigh each side then play

some mornings i fear
putting on my lenses
i fear what face they replenish
and who i will be that day

why do my hands feel so small?
when i sit in the middle of the room
fighting to swim across the blue carpet threads
dying inside every little charm
that's left their scar as they've slid

dial tones bring tunnels
funneling the fractions of the clock
windows and screens and memories pound my brain

tic toc
tic toc

my body doesn't even feel like mine
nor this heart
nor this health
nor this line

so hard to express a me
a me that everyone leaves in her sea

when i find a bucket i'm gonna fill this boat
inspire her with water until she can no longer float

if the bucket takes too long
i'll stop weeping overboard
splash my salty disillusions
and leave a rhyme of death to record

because in this nothing i lost everything
no matter how happily i slice
my new nails hung onto splinters
then lost their grasp
the last time I rolled the dice

T H I N K T W I C E

Ellee 2002

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