Mary Sue of Ohio was a prominent member of her Church...
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One catty member leaned over and quietly asked her friend, who was just as catty, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade - especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick!
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their
television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."