7:00am
I woke up after a terrible nights sleep. Left my room and saw my daddy laying on the floor with some girl and mommy passed out on the couch with a beer in her hand and a tray full of cigarettes on the floor. Now I know why I had to go to bed early. I walked into the bathroom quietly hoping they wouldn�t wake up.
12:00pm
I had my neighbor drive me to Tommy�s birthday party. He�s turning 5 this year; I�ll be 5 in about a month or so. Mommy never throws me a birthday party. My neighbor asked why my parents didn�t drive me; I lied and said they were too tired.
3:00pm
I get a call at Tommy�s house from the Mr. Police guy. He said I had to come home immediately. Maybe I was in trouble?�When I got home, no one would let me inside but I saw big vans with flashing lights and the car the Mr. Police guy had and many more like it. Maybe this was my early birthday present!
5:00pm
I got tired of waiting outside. I ran in to see my dad in a pile of blood in the T.V. room, and my mom holding a knife screaming words that they never taught me in kindergarten. The police guy asked me questions. He wanted to know if I was ever in danger living at home. I told him that mommy always punished me when she was drunk but I thought it was because I was bad. He let me go.
6:00pm
I went to see if mommy was OK after the police left. I think they took daddy away. They were going to take mommy away but I told them not to quite yet, I didn�t want to be alone. I knew mommy would never really hurt me, she always said she would love me. She reached her arms out while she walked towards me wobbling. I reached out to hug her and she grabbed me and sat in the sink. Told me to close my eyes and she�d show me a surprise.
That was the night I learned what abuse was.
7.6.03
We always feel broken
Hiding behind our lies
"Saving ourselves" from the world
With our clever disguise
Indefinite ups and downs
Heart filled with pain
Keeping it in
Feelings remain
7.10.03
Making promises that won't last
Thinking about when your life was good
Most of that being your childhood
When you look at me, what do you see?
Do I really care? Is this is the real me?
A lot of love is in my heart
Everyones hate just tears me apart
There is no way for me to relieve
The pain in my heart because no one believes
When I get sad, will you forget it?
Please dont ask me, I wont admit it
But you always seem to put me down
You always turn my smile to a frown
Do these amature words mean anything to you?
Will you ever believe these words are true?
7.8.03
Far falling
No sleep
Limit recalling
Truthful lies
Keeping me down
Kicking me around
Kicking me down
6/28/03
Sleep away goodbyes
Torn into the night
Forever in my dreams
Hearing your screams
Burning out the light
7.9.03
The day is long, depression seeps in
These kinds of days are when you need friends
No one there helping you along
Feeling alone, wondering where they went wrong
The smallest things can lighten your day
Like the way we used to talk, that special way
Remembering when we used to hang out together
When we didn�t, you�d blamed it on the weather
If you were a real friend you would know
And see that this friendship is really shallow
Yeah, you were there to talk about boys
What clothes are in and your latest toys
What about when I was down and needed someone to care?
When I looked around you were never there
The smallest things can lighten your day
The smallest things can tear you away
When I tried to move on, you�d pull me back
There was still that �true friendship� that we lacked
Maybe you came back just for money
Then you always left when you found a new �hunny�
Yeah, we talked about how bad boys can be
But when one came around, you�d just leave me
I wrote you a letter about how I feel
How I�ve dealt with it for so long, and probably will never heal
It�s sitting in my drawer waiting for you to see
But every time I see it, the more it hurts me
I know you�ve found someone better
And that�s why I haven�t given you the letter
Just know this, that I did try
But since I wont speak to you�
Here�s your �good-bye�
7.5.03
Where will we be in 4 years
Can we stick with it through all the tears
Will we learn to live and still move on
Or will this friendship die without a �so long�
Remember when we thought we�d be friends forever
I never though this would happen, never
Maybe I�m jealous that you�ve all moved on without me
Sad to think that our group has amounted to us three
Loosing friends makes people cry
Backstabbing friends resort in a lie
Would they be there for me if I wanted to die
Or would they just move on and say �good-bye�
Where will we be in 4 years
Who will help me through all my fears
I thought we were all stronger than this
Maybe they don�t care and don�t want the risk
The risk of knowing they are friends with me
Fearing that people might actually see
I might be this big band fool
I�m sorry if I don�t make you feel cool
But I like who I am and I thought you did too
Do you know that popularity doesn�t matter, do you have a clue
You�ve changed so much during this past year
Maybe I haven�t changed and it�s making me fear
I fear of what our days will become
I hope our group wont become only me, just one
8.6.03
I wish I were someone different
And maybe someone that others wanted to be
Maybe I�m really just a loser
Digging in far to deep
Everything seems so empty
And I feel like no one really cares
Did you ever stop to notice that I was never there?
8.8.03