Letters
by Philip 'Boy' Mactal
�Please help me with my problem. I am totally in love with this guy who has a pretty bad reputation. He has slept with many girls over the years and drinking habit, yet is intent on changing for me and waiting until marriage to have sex with me. I accept the facts about his past, but my parents are not happy in the slightest about me going out with him, let alone marrying someone like him. Should I lis- ten to my heart or my parents? Does it matter so much what he has done in years gone by if we are in love with each other and he is willing to change for me?�
Your problem is not different with many ladies around. You asked whether you should listen to your hearts or your parents. I suggest you listen to both! This might seem a strange suggestion, so let me explain what I mean.
When we speak of listening to your heart, we generally mean listening to your spontaneous feelings. In your case, your heart is telling you to keep on going with this guy. Your heart is saying that he might even the right one for you to marry. You said you are �totally in love with this guy�. So your feelings for him are very strong. Your heart is saying that it�s wonderful to be with him and you might even spend your whole lives together.
By contrast, your parents are giving you a very different message. They don�t believe it�s good idea for you to spend time with this person. They certainly don�t believe you should marry him. They�re telling you that you should be better off not going out with him.
Your heart and parents are giving you very different message. They don�t believe it�s good idea for you to spend time with this person. They certainly don�t believe you should marry him. They�re telling that you should be better off not going out with him.
Your heart and your parents are giving you opposite messages. So you might be puzzled when I suggest you both. How can you listen to both? Surely you can�t follow what your heart is saying opposite things; it�s true you can�t follow both messages, but you can listen to both.
To make mature decision we often need to listen to various choices. Then we need to weigh up what the various voices are saying. We need to consider what is really going to be for the best. When the issue is important and complex we might need to take time in deciding.
From what you have written, it seems that the choices you are facing are both important and complex. Choosing a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions anyone can make and the issue is complicated. When someone has had a chequered history of relationships such as your boyfriend you should do well and take your time in deciding about this relationship, and certainly taking a good deal of time before committing yourself to marriage.
You wrote of love for this person and his love for you. True love is a gift to be treasured. But love needs to be tested by experience to show how strong and true it really is. As the weeks and months go by, we can see that relationships mean in practice and then we can judge whether they are relationships based on genuine love.
Does your boyfriend�s conduct in the past matter for the future? Your heart is saying that you need not worry about his sleeping around in the past because he has promised to change for the better. Well, it is possible for a person to change and it is possible that this person will change for you. However, you have to consider how likely this is.
Your heart says he will change. Your parents say it is highly unlikely. I would add that a lot of sad experience supports what you are saying on this point. We can�t presume that people can change for the better when they�re married. The more promiscuous are to be highly unfaithful after marriage.
You said your boyfriend is intent on changing. He may have promised you that he will change. But you need more than his words in a change in the way he behaves. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
You may listen to your heart to your parents and to your experience of relating in the coming months. In this way I�m sure you will be able to come to a mature decision about what really be for the best. May the lord grant you wisdom as you think about the future.
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�My fianc� is a Muslim and a different nationality to me. Being a Filipina he agreed to marry in a catholic church. Could you give me Mang Boy some ideas if there are any special formalities I need to explain to him?�
You will need to explain to your fianc� who is a Muslim what a Christian or catholic marriage involves. It�s your obligations and leading standing in this country. You will need also to obtain dispensation from bishop in order to marry a non-Christian. Our priest in the Filipino community will explain the procedures for this.
Also ask you fianc� to explain his ideas about marriage and family life. Don�t assume that the customs or religious laws are the same as yours. There are widely differing practices and legal rights, even with Islam. It is important that you understand these before you marry.
It is a big step to build a bridge between two religions or two different cultures. Try to make sure that you have talked about the special problems that could arise in your marriage. Knowing these problems might save you trouble with you fianc�.
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�Ako po ay isang Pilipina na may asawa at mga anak at sa kasalukuyan ay nagta-trabaho at naninirahan dito sa Auckland. Marami pong mga kababayan ay nanghi-hikayat sa akin na sumapi sa isang networking o pyramid scheme na sangayon sa kanila di umano�y kikita kaagad ako ng malaking salapi (instant money) sa pamamagitan ng pamumuhunan ng maliit na halaga. Ang iba pa sa kanila kadalasan ay kinukulit ako na sumapi kaagad. Maaari ba ninyo akong payuhan kung ano ang nararapat kong gawin?�
Napakahalaga ng iyong katanungan kabayan. Batid ko na marami na ang nabiktima at nahumaling sa kung ano-anong uri ng pyramid scheme. Maging sa ating bansang Pilipinas ay napakaraming tao ang nabibiktima nito. Kung kaya inakala ko na mahalaga ang bagay nanito upang sumakaalam sa inyo lalong-lalo na sa mga bagong migrante na karaniwan ang mga ito ang nabibiktima.
Ipinapayo ko sa iyo na mag-iingat sa pagdalo sa mga paanyaya tulad ng birthday party, wedding anniversary, barbeque party, children�s party or blowout party. Kung magkaminsan ay may daladala pa kayong regalo. Makaraan ang salo-salo kayo ay pupulungin ng host at kukumbinhisin na sumapi sa tinatawag na pyramid scheme. Dahil sa pakikisama o pakikipagkaibigan kayo ay hindi nakatangi at hindi nagtagal ay isa na rin kayo say mga recruiter na nag-babakasakaling yumaman kaagad. Makaraang kayo ay mawalan gumasto na malaking halaga ng salapi at panahon ay saka lang ninyo malalaman na kayo pala ay biktima. Marami diyan dahil sa pagbibigay ng malaking panahon at oras sa pagre-recruit pati mga anak, asawa at trabaho ay napapabayaan. Maging ang pagsisimba kung weekend ay napabayaan lalo na�t ang prospect ay available lang kung araw ng linggo.
Remember, laging nabubuwag ang pyramid scheme dahil imposibleng gawing tuloy-tuloy ang pangangalap ng bagong miyembro. Kung nais ninyong mapag-alaman ang iba�t-ibang uri ng mga schemes natataglay ng mga pandaraya o panggagantso at ang modus opirandi nito tulad sa paduwit sa libreta ng tseke, credit card, mga pyramid schemes, mga work-at-home schemes, health and diet scams, credit repair, vacation promotions, mga oportunidad sa pamumuhan at mga lalaki (dom) na ang pinupuntiryang ligawan ay mga solo mother na may pera at assets, ay maaari po ninyo akong tawagan. O personal na makipagkita para sa karagdagang impormasyon.
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�I�m planning to marry by next year. As I noticed many married couples today are going for divorce. Could you give me some tips on how could I experience a happy married life?�
Marriage is a life-long process of making a relationship work. Early days of disappoint- ment and sexual frustration are likely. Don�t let that lead to a breakdown in discussion or sharing of feelings. Use such moments as a chance to learn more about each other. In this way your marriage will be a true sign in peace between you and deepen your love for one another.
It may well be that neither of you pray very much at present. This need not put off the idea of praying together as a married couple, as a family. Many couples find strength in reading a passage from the bible together and then talking about it. This is God�s word and it gives us guidance for life. You might be happier just to share one or two familiar praying together.
Some Christians are happy to share their prayer together by speaking out loud to God in their own word. Others find that they are too self-conscious for this. It�s good to share your prayer in this way but you are not a failure if you can�t. The important thing is to respect each other�s beliefs.
More letters next issue...