Punch Lines: Caught in a tug-o-war

by Lyn Lumanlan Elloso

My son and I were watching a Filipino movie one night. Not understanding any words spoken, he asked me why the little girl was crying, clutching her father's arm. I was dumbfounded, not being able to give him a quick answer for the first time.

How would you address your children's questions upon the breakdown of a marital relationship? Far worse, how do you deal with an ex-spouse about the children when the relationship has gone dour? Your quick response to these questions I have put before you, might be: not interested, it's not going to happen to me, we are Filipinos.

It's probably true that there are lesser cases of parents being separated among our people compared to other cultures because we've been raised by firm ideals that when the going gets tough, we get tougher and stay together. However, in this contemporary age where sex, money, power and career have become hyped, we are susceptible to the risk of losing our family unit.

And so the story goes--both parents start to undermine each other before their children's eyes so they can win their loyalty and the possibility of living with them. The in-laws will get involved and a whirlwind of confusion is created: the children are powerless to do anything. When issues have become unresolved, the only ideal place to go is the Family Court.

Or is it really ideal? Going to court is adversarial. Lawyers get involved and oftentimes they wouldn't help you in the most expedient way. After all, their bread and butter come from your disputes.

Here are some of the most commonly asked questions:

What is the meaning of custody?

Custody is another name for the day-to-day care of the child. The parents may agree that the child lives most of the time with one parent, known as the custodial parent. When they don't agree, the Family Court will make that decision.

If the child is minor, does the mother get custody?

The welfare of the child is the paramount and most important consideration when the Family Court makes decisions about guardianship, custody or access.  The mother does not always get the partiality in the courts of New Zealand.

However, the older the child is, the more likely it is that the Court will take account of his/her wishes. Specialists, such as psychologists and social workers, can be asked to provide information about what is best for the child to help the Judge make this decision. The child him/herself will not be directly involved with Court proceedings, although the Judge may speak with an older child.

If one loses custody, will guardianship cease?

Guardianship begins when the child is born and ends on the child's 20th birthday, unless he or she marries before that age.

While one parent becomes the custodian of the child (responsible for everyday decisions about the child), the other parent should be consulted on the major decisions about the child's life (guardianship). Such decisions involve education, religion, health, relocation et al.

What are the rights of the other parent who does not have custody?

The parent who does not have custody of the child can seek access. Access refers to arrangements for the child to spend time with the non-custodial parent. Both parents and step-parents can apply for access.

The best access arrangements are those agreed by both parents. Access arrangements need to be flexible and may have to be adapted over time to take account of the child's age or changing needs.

Most people think that the Family Court has all the answers and solutions to the disputes. In many cases, going to court establishes an unconstructive conclusion to the relationship of the parties. In the end, the children are the ones who suffer. The reality of it all is no one really stops to think about what kind of consequence custody battles have on the children that are involve. Many children are left wounded and emotionally insecure. The children of these events are often out in the cold feeling perplexed and desolated.

After divorce, many children, especially those in highly conflicted custody cases, develop allegiance with a parent. These loyalties, or strong preferences for one parent over another, can lead to a band of children's behaviour in the post-divorce family, from a secretly held longing to be with the preferred parent to visitation refusal. At the farthest end of the spectrum, alienated children not only refuse access but also have a rigidly held set of behaviours, affects, and cognitions about the non-preferred parent that include grossly unjustified criticism and hatred.

Are there any ways of resolving your issues with your ex-spouse without going to a custody battle? Here are some suggestions: increase your awareness of what you and each child needs over time. Heal yourself of the anger, the past and raise your patience, while you adults sort what is best for the children. Most important of all, help each other, the relationship may not be mended, but your children's future is most important. Avoid relatives and other stepparents who can add their own custody opinions and needs, increasing conflict complexity. Kids, with their own needs - have little power, and are usually caught in the middle.

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