S P O O F !

When Tita Helen meets Ate Glo

by Fe Egay

You know who they are. They are two of the most powerful women in the world today (Ate Glo is ranked 9th and Tita Helen is ranked no. 43 according to Forbes Magazine). One is the president that we all left behind; the other the Prime Minister of our adopted country. Contemporary and contrasting personalities as they are, we Filipino immigrants are lucky to observe and know them both. So, what will happen when these leaders meet? How will they fare? What will they do and say to each other? Here they are live in action. The reader may guess who said what to whom and fill in the quotation marks if necessary in this free-wheeling but purely imagined report.

Helen Clark, New Zealand PM, went to the Philippines on a State Visit as Southeast Asia finally opened its doors to New Zealand as trade partners. As the plane moved to the centre of Manila, where in the world was Miss Helen? The towering skyscrapers in the financial district of Makati, momentarily confused her. "Looks to me like Wall Street in the middle of New York!" She nudged her Trade Minister, Jim Suton. "You said it's a Third World country of muck and slums but this place certainly looks plush."

When she emerged from the plane, she dusted of skirt as she did when she sat with Dubya at the White House. She gazed around, shook hands and finally came face to face with the Philippine leader who is all of four feet ten inches all. "Hmmm... dinky wee thing", Helen mused. "Pretty little bugger too though not quite as handsome as my ministerial buddy, Judith Tizard." Smiling like a human Bugs Bunny, Gloria thought, "Ang tangkad tangkad naman nito. Pero and baduy yata niya," as she checked Helen out from head to toe.

First stop, the Luneta to honour the Philippines' national hero, Dr. Jose Rizal. They stood side by side in the image of Danny de Vito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the film "Twins" as the bands played the national anthems. At this point, Helen's short limp bob hair blew around in the afternoon breeze while Gloria was appalled. "Huh, no hairdresser in her entourage! Kuripot talaga nitong PM na ito. Bad hair day siya, while look at me I'm slick and chic." She sidled up to Helen tiptoeing on her Manolo Blahnik pumps. "Don't you have any surplus budget, at least for your hairdresser and for a fashion stylist?" Helen's voice deepened as she half crouched to reach Gloria's ears and said, "Very little. Only 7 billion New Zealand dollars this fiscal year." "Kidding you yata," Gloria shrieked with a blast of disbelief. As Gloria's eyed showed so much cynicism, Helen got annoyed for not being believed. "This hobbit is getting on my nerves. If she visits Middle Earth, I'll decree that onl the most fearsome looking tangata whenua with full facial and body tattoos will meet her at the airport. And I'll ask Havoc to give her some Quality Time for starters."

The foreign dignitaries and the Pinoy diplomatic corps, the military contingent, and the chismoso news reporters gasped under their breaths at the spectacle of the two leaders talking hair and budget in front of the national hero's statue. Further talks were stopped by the laying of wreaths followed by the parade-in-review by the Philippine Military Academy cadets. At night the formal state dinner was held at the Malacanang Palace with lavish interiors and carpets fit for royalty. Again, Helen blinked at the opulence, the lavish Via Mare catered Spanish-Filipino food and at the bejewelled ladies in their glittering gowns. At dinner, Helen could no longer help herself. "So, what's this I hear about your US$60 billion deficit in foreign loans?" she queried Gloria. Quick as a flash, Gloria retorted: "Let's not talk financial matters at dinner. My late father, former president Diosdado Macapagal taught us good table manners, and that is, eat all you can while we are in the Palace, and don't talk while your mouth is full. Besides, I'm feeding 82 million plus hungry mouths while in your case what have you got, a mere 4 million nationals?"

Helen: "In my country of the Great Long Cloud (Aotearoa) our workers eat fush and chups on street benches while talking business at the same time" Gloria: "Like baaa..baaaaa?" Helen: "Pardon? Don't you pick on our national icon, Shrek the sheep. She comforted me while the haters and wreckers protested about the foreshore and seabed issues. I prefer Shrek to those Maoris chanting and raving, sticking their wild eyes and tongues at me." Gloria: "They intimidate you because you don't have any strategic military plans. Here I demand that the military and police guard and protect me at all cost. In fact I have a war zone right beside my bedroom in the Palace. When the stinking masa, those descamisados came to rattle the gates of the Palace, a helicopter took me away to safety. My men water bombed and sprayed rubber bullets at the protesters." Helen gasped: "I beg your pardon?" Gloria: "Egg-sactly as you heard it. Me, I am small but terrible when crossed. I throw cell phones at my own cabinet ministers and party dissenters and throw my political enemies in jail like that low-life actor President called Erap, after grabbing his seat off his pants of course. And as for the dreaded Abu Sayaffs, our local terrorists, I pulverize them with rakatakatak bang bangs using the latest warfare guns from Big Brother Bush."

At this point, Helen decided she could probably learn a lot from the little one. She confided that her government is rocked by the National Party and Tariana's Maori Party and that if Labor loses next November, she will lose her $25,000 job which is all hat she has. Gloria: "But you have a husband! If you were not that so stingy you should have brought him here so my husband Mike can teach him the full monty tricks. My husband can play tricks on everyone. He is the real expert on how to win votes and influence elections. That's what the critical Manila press can say of him."

"Last elections, my critics and enemies accused me again of stealing the presidency from that aging actor Fernando Poe Jr. who thinks he is another Reagan! He keeps saying he won the elections and that I only wonthe congressional canvas. Por dios por Santo, Helen, millionaires don't steal! Ask the bishops who all support me. No, not me, I am just smart and they are just plain tontos! In fact, when Metro Manilans dumped me with their lousy votes and the Cebuanos gave me the winning margin of 1.1 million votes, I played it smart. You know, I set up another Malacanang Palace in Cebu to spite those snooty Manilans. Now these Manilans are angry. Huh, inggit lang sila. Well, I practice the world empire colonialists rule: Divide, rule and conquer and the people and the lands are all mine! Now they call me a dictator worse than Marcos. But who cares?" And twirling like a ballerina with her arms outstretched, she playfully quipped, "Get me?"

"Also, that nemesis of yours, that Don Brash is rolling you because he is being driven by Asian invasion, I mean Asian women maybe small but they are tigers. Just think: if an Asian tiger chases you towards the top of the Beehive, can Brash stop and say no and risk being eaten alive?" Then, whispering to Helen, Gloria shared a secret: "You know I won because I have plenty, plenty. In fact journalists dub me Plenty Woman." "Plenty what?", Helen shuddered. "Plenty sex, what else!" At this Helen freaked out and asked for water.

Gloria then lectured her on how to conduct a successful election campaign. Gloria: "Use the unbeatable foursome of guns, goons, gold and gimmick. Have your own lookalike contest, using gays." Helen now bursts into laughter, truly entranced. "Teach them to dance the ocho ocho like this [Gloria demonstrated]. Get the top movie and television stars to campaign for you." Then, pulling Helen off her chair, "Let's sing a duet like I did with Jiang Ze Min, former Premier of China. Segurado, CNN and BBC will splash this around the world. Use anything and anyone to endorse you. Bill Clinton endorsed me on TV, he was my classmate at Georgetown University. Helen, how about using someone like Putin to promote your campaign?" Helen: "Why not Britain's Blair or my neighbour, Aussie Howard?" Gloria: "Are you crazy? Precisely I did not ask my friend and ally George Boy because he is a Weapon of Massive Defeat. A WMD! But don't you dare quote me, ha? Otherwise I'll lose my economic and military support. And before I forget, get a link." Helen": "What link? Gloria: "Get romantically linked to another man." "Jesus!", Helen gasped. "You mean I'll have an affair?" Gloria: "Yes you do. That's the least you can do for yourself. At least the public will keep on talking about you." Now Helen roared with unabashed laughter unable to control herself.

Finally, the bulilit ended her discourse. "Helen, the important thing is you win. But first you need a make-over. Wear these push-ups by Triumph International", thrusting her gifts at the now beleaguered PM. "You know, we export everything including bras. Okay?" Helen was now truly stupefied.

On the plane bound for home, Helen was still groggy from the crammed lessons she got the previous night. She now fully understood what America meant by "shock and awe" in their invasion of Iraq, for that was the effect the little brown gal has on her. "What a leader", she told herself. "She was so vibrant, full of verve and guts and determination, enough to tackle Dom, Tariana, Winston, Rodney, Kim and whoever else back home. My own critics dub me tough and ruthless! Hmph, I am nothing but a wimp and a louse compared to that startling terrorism-fighting Pinay. She also has wicked sense of humor about herself and the elections." Helen got more and more confused whether to believe Gloria's braggadocio. Then, too exhausted to go on, she slumped on her seat, wondering where and how to get her magic link.

Meanwhile, inside her black limousine, Gloria laughed and laughed to herself. "Naku, nakabola na naman ako. And I managed to do the Great Escape. Helen did not raise the issue of corruption, or else patay! By entertaining and out-talking her, I rendered Helen dizzy. Hilong talilong siya. And then turning to her rattled aide and using her famous hard intimidating voice, she stared him down and said, "Now, bring the next one on."

Now, back to you, readers and draw your own conclusions. What are your impressions and insights of our two leaders? Nakakaloka, di ba?" As for this writer, I would rather see the humour, that's why I decided to write this SPOOF!

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