May 23, 2001
Almost two months since the operation to end all operations. Well, for me anyway and that's kind of a nice feeling. I've noticed some changes to me since I wrote last in my diary. And I don't mean the obvious ones! LOL
My attitudes towards things have changed. It's kind of hard to explain really, but I'll try. First, I'm not so worried about finding work. Second, I go out now and forget about not always having been the person I now am; I'm just me. Third, and probably the one reason that made One and Two possible, is the compulsion to change/find out who I am/become a woman/dress....whatever you want to call it......it's gone now. After all those years....heck, decades, I finally got the monkey off my back (so to speak). I think I now know what some people mean by being at peace finally.
A little update on the kids. I've heard nothing. I sent my daughter some pictures of my efforts on the recipes she had sent me along with a note and a few recipes of my own. This was a month or so ago and I've heard nothing. I had hoped that we might start communicating through cooking. I'm not giving up hope, this is a long, long process. As far as my son goes, his birthday is coming up and I'm going to send a letter along with a gift. I don't expect a response but he'll know I'm thinking of him.
June 14
I meant to write something last time about my trip to Nashville. Now that I've had SRS, I wanted to get my drivers license changed from the dreaded "M" to "F". So after I got to town I went to the drivers license station and was greeted by a state trooper in front of the building. He asked me what he could do for me and I just pointed to my drivers license with the "wrong" sex on it. I told him I needed that changed. He looked at me, told me to follow him and he'd take care of everything for me. He marched me to the desk that handles all the changes and told them they had made a mistake on my license. They looked at me and started the paperwork to change my license. The trooped made a joke that they'd have to call in a doctor and perform a medical exam. Ha Ha! Big joke, they all loved it. Except me, of course, but no one noticed the bead of sweat that was forming on my upper lip, or my hand go into my purse for the medical certificate. In just a few moments they had finished the paperwork and sent me on my way. I never had to show them anything or explain a thing. All of this made me feel pretty good, I'm doing well enough that the drivers license people think they must have made a mistake on my drivers license when they saw me. The voice must be doing pretty good too. So, all-in-all, a wonderful day!
August 12, 2001
Not much going on, looking for work is all. I just started a week ago so I've not gotten very far. I've emailed my resume to all the employment agencies in town and I'm at Monster.com so I hope something comes up. I hope anyway, it's been 20 MONTHS since I went to work last!
The dilating is still going on and will for another month and a half. I don't know about everyone else, but I find it rather boring. I think it could be made much more enjoyable if I had help. {giggle}. And on that particular subject I guess I can tell you I have a honey. But like a lot of things connected to this medium, I've never met him. It's been all IM and phone calls. One day I hope to correct this little problem. :-)
I went on another one of those month long car trips out to California like last year. Instead of having an operation waiting for me I went to my nephew's wedding and had a wonderful time. Here's a picture from the trip, taken along Highway 1. It was a nice trip but still it was nice to get home.
August 26, 2001
This diary entry is an important one........Hey! I need a job!
I'm listed at Monster.com and have on-line agents looking in the local paper, the New York Times and the Nashville Tennessean So if anyone out there is needing someone that has years and years of business experience let me know ok? It never hurts to ask I always say.
October 30, 2001
I have a few things going on the job front. My first interview was on September 11th at 10am. I woke up to the buzzer and hadn't watched any tv or listened to the radio before I arrived. Only after I told the woman at the desk that I was there for an interview did I notice they were watching tv. It took me a moment or two to realise what was happening and when I saw a tower fall I just lost it. I couldn't talk when the guy came to get me and I just went home.
But I haven't been idle, I've been working at a place selling renewable energy products but am getting paid commission only. The good part is I'm interacting and meeting with people. Speaking of meeting people, I went to a Halloween party this past Friday and went as the Bride of Dracula (they called me "Countess"). I had a good time and three guys have called me. If they only knew.......and I'm not telling! :-)
November 09, 2001
A few days ago we had to rush my mom to the hospital because she thought something was wrong....there was, she had a heart attack. She goes in for open heart surgery on the 21st on this month. If you've been reading this you know what she means to me; she stood by me and accepted me when everyone else in my family seemed to turn their back on me. Say a prayer ok? Thanks.
November 28th, 2001
The prayers seems to have done the trick. : -) She had a quadruple bypass but is doing well. A few more days and she will be able to leave the hospital. This operation will give her the energy to do the things she used to do. Like cook dinner.....LOL Sorry about that but you know no one cooks like mom!
January 22, 2002
I have a job doing something I'm very interested in - renewable energy and energy conservation. It doesn't pay anything right now but it looks like I'll be opening up a new store and I'll have an income from that. I've also started up kickboxing (and I can tell you, so far, it's kicking a certain part of my anatomy!) I play cards on Thursday nights with friends I've met, kickboxing on Monday, Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings, go to work every day.....I think I've settled into a new life.
An update on the kids. We ( my mom, sister and myself) got a nice gift from my daughter. Nothing from my son, but that's his nature so I'm not concerned. I have to tell you this, as I do more and more things, as more and more memories are being made, the hurt is less and less. Just thought I'd let you know.
April 22, 2002
As my life gets more "normal" I seem to spend more and more time living it and less and less time on the transgendered issues but I felt an update was due........
I had an interesting development on the romance front. I met a guy a few months ago and we really hit it off right from the beginning. He was a perfect gentleman and fun to be with. Everything was going well, and I do mean well, when I decided it was time to tell him my past. I didn't want things to go so far that he couldn't pull out of the relationship gracefully if he felt uncomfortable but I wanted things to have gone far enough that he would know me for who I really am. This way of telling someone makes sense to me and I feel you must tell someone if you have feelings for that person. There are too many things in the past that can come up from out of the blue. In my case it was my maiden name; or lack of it really. He had asked me what it was before and I told him one thing. During a wonderful dinner, on the 6th of April, he asked me again. Not remembering what I had told him before and not giving it a second thought, I told him my old name was something else (my mom's maiden name). Well, the short story is he picked up on the discrepancy and made a comment about it, something to the effect that I had changed my story. Since I had been talking to my mom for weeks about when I should tell him, I decided that now was the time. We left the restaurant and he took me home where I told him. It wasn't easy for either of us. I wish I could tell you an easy way of doing this, or a way of doing it without crying but I can't. He took it hard even though we were still pretty innocent in our relationship - I guess he really liked me and had plans for the future. But, so far, he hasn't been able to shake off his upbringing ( mildly homophobic) and we're stuck in "Let's be friends" mode. We went camping this past weekend with a large group of his friends and co-workers and I was very uncomfortable the whole time. Don't get me wrong, he tried, but I felt pretty alone.
August 1, 2002
Just thought I'd show you a new picture. It was taken last month at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. All is well, my mom saw the kids in Nashville and they seem to be accepting now. Enough to want to see a picture anyway....I think this will be the one.
September 30, 2002
I just got back from a trip to Montreal with Tom, my boyfriend. It was a perfect trip. Perfect weather, a perfect city and perfect company. We had a wonderful time and plan on more in the future. Here are a few pictures from the trip. in front of waterfall, kind of a nice picture but I think I like this one better, in the park, we were getting rained on but I was enjoying it sooooo much! I have to tell those of you that have been brave enough to read all of this, life is good now. My old life (such as it was) is but a distant memory, quickly fading into nothing more than a odd dream. However, there's always the kids. :-D
December 25, 2002
A quick note on Christmas Day. I no longer work at that renewable energy place and have now started my own lighting business. Sales have been good so far. My relationship with Tom is, I think, a very good one. We have many things in common and we seem to get along very well. He's supposed to come down here the middle of January, I'm looking forward to his visit. We'll see if Montreal was as nice as I we remember it. :-)
Not a word from the kids however. I'm starting to wonder about them; getting a little mad as well.
Here's a new picture from a few days ago. Kind of as a joke, I put on an old wig
March 14, 2003
Tom didn't make it down in January...he was furloughed from his job and didn't think spending money right now was such a good idea. We're still doing good...very good.
The business is taking off like a skyrocket. I've never made this much money before but I'm working very hard to earn it. Since I'm home based, I don't get out like I used to but it's ok for now. As far as any TS issues; there isn't any. I fit in everywhere I go and really don't even think about it any more. My daughter has written again so I'm starting to see how things will go in the future - some contact but they have their own lives to lead. Very normal.
July 6, 2003
Ok, a new picture for you. Kind of a dumb one - I took it of me in a mirror I just bought. Hope you like it. :-) The business is still growing; doubling each month. I've had to rent a storage space for inventory and will be looking for an office/warehouse soon.
My daughter is sending me letters regularly now. Without telling her, I've sent her a few thousand dollars for their house fund. I'm sure it will help them to buy a home....if they need more I'll send it. Not much to report. I had a nice July 4th with some friends at a lake near here - no swimming, just eating! ;-)
September, 2003
I just got finished reading a book "She's Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Very interesting, I recommend it highly. One thing she said that struck me as being especially true; when we start down this path, it's not so much a decision we make to transition, it's more like a erosion of an illusion that we can be someone we are not.
May, 2004
The business is doing well and keeping me very busy. My daughter and I are getting along pretty well and email each other often. I'll see her in September, perhaps my son as well. I just got back from 10 days in Italy with Tom. We had a wonderful time but the money just didn't go as far as we would have liked (not many trinkets to bring home). Here's a few pictures from the trip.....at St. Peters Square, one more at St. Peters, and one taken one night at the piazza in Amalfi. A lot of the pictures got zapped by the x-ray machines. One roll was just fog but most of them were ok (see the one from Amalfi) |
