My wife and I have started to first steps towards a separation and perhaps divorce. She was OK with the dressing as long as it was private, but this web site and all the e-mails were too much for her to handle. We're still good friends and will try and keep it that way. Right now it's a "time out" from each other so things don't spiral out of control. A word to all of you wondering if you should tell you wife. Go SLOW! I couldn't do it and I had advice from everyone to SLOW DOWN! After 25 years that was something that proved too hard to do. When you get little older the urge to dress gets stronger. To deny it is like having a tiger by the tail. You can't let go because it will eat you, but you can't hold on forever. Therefore, ya gotta change the rules! Dressing WILL be part of your life, so you better figure out how to fit it in somehow.
I met with a psychologist last tuesday, the 13th of July. I was recommended to her by a member of the Tennessee Vals and then met her at last Saturdays meeting. She conducts a free discussion group for the transgendered. Dr. Edward's was pleasant, informative, and I can see will be very helpful in putting my head back on straight. She even found me a safe place to stay while things are up in the air between Marge and myself. I don't know if I want to have SRS, hormones and no surgery but live as a woman full time, hormones and live as a woman part time, no hormones and live as a woman part time, or no hormones and just go out as Diane a few times a month. Sound confused? Now you know what Marge's been putting up with. I'm leaning towards whatever could help me live as a woman full time, but that is such a big step! I have almost 50 years momentum as a guy pushing me one way, but my heart is pulling me another. I am moving out of my home this weekend (July 17th weekend) and into the home of the girl that Dr. Edward's recommended . I'll get the top floor, two rooms and a private entrance. It's perfect for me right now.
September 1999
Well, a lot has been going on. I'm on hormones in preparation for SRS next year. That sounds all nice and neat, but I have to yet go do the RLT (real life test). I'm going out now all the time and have never had any problems but WAIT! There's more. The divorce is going ahead but Mary and I still seem to be friends. We're selling the business we've had together for the past twelve years and HOPE that that will tide us both over for awhile. I'm still living with Betty (that safe place I mentioned before). I have the top floor of her home and it turned out to be very comfortable and the company welcome. A great girl named Claire comes over most nights so the three of us will cook dinner (actually, Claire and Betty are the cooks, I'm the one burning the water) , watch tv, or have Betty do electrolysis on one or both of us. BTW, the beard is almost gone now above the jaw line.
Some notes on hormones. Breast should come with warning labels. They hurt! You don't know what a thrill it is to have someone give you a GREAT BIG HUG and it's all you can do to not yell out in pain! I've notice no difference in my mental attitude, but then I didn't expect any. I've learned hormones can be expensive, and can hurt your liver. I also have to learn to give myself a SHOT! Betty has done the last two for me, but I have to learn to do it myself (I hate needles!).
I've been reading a book called "True Selves". I can highly recommend it. Better than that, you MUST read this book if your thinking of having SRS. It lays it on the line and tells it like it is. Changing one's gender is fraught with heartache, danger, and the possibility of losing one's home, family, job, and friends. But for some of us, it's the only choice we have. Read the book. And if someone out there is thinking of skipping the RLT, READ THE BOOK!
A little about SRS. Claire is setting things up to go to Thailand next August for her operation. I'm thinking of going with her. It would be very nice to have company during the trip, operation, whatever.
I sold my business! I've owned it for twelve years with Marge by my side every minute. We started it in our living room with the laundry room as our "warehouse". It's a testament to hard work and professionalism on both our parts that we succeeded as well as we did. Last year's sales we over $850,000. Not bad for a mom and pop and daughter (now). We sold the company for what we asked and the terms are fine. I got to meet with a potential investor in my NEW business on the 25th. We have been talking for a few months, but nothing specific. Well, I got specific! We went out to eat dinner to kind of explore things. We started off with small talk over beers and after ordering dinner he started to get more detailed in his questions/comments. This is when I felt I had to tell him what was going on with me, before he got too involved. I took out some pictures I had brought and told him that this woman was the cause of my divorce and her name was Theresa. He looked at the pictures and commented how pretty she was (Thank you, thank you, thank you!). I then told him she was me. Bewilderment, confusion and shock make for interesting facial expressions BTW. I have to grant him this, he recovered quick and didn't seem offended at all. He said he had no trouble working with a woman and gender didn't play a role in how he does business. He asked some very good questions and made some very good comments. We ate dinner and talked another hour. Everything was a go when we left the restaurant, but he's been out of town for the past two days and he may have second thoughts. I'll give him a call this afternoon and I hope all is well.
November, 1999
Well, I called him and he seemed OK, just had been busy. That was last Friday, today is a week later and he was supposed to get back with me before now. Oh well. You can't win 'em all and I understand that. Now on to plan B. As soon as I have one anyway.
I went to San Angelo for Thanksgiving and told my sister just about the minute I got there. I guess you could say she was ok with it. She said she always wanted a sister. Thank you sis for understanding!!! She told her best friend and SHE was ok with it as well! Both are reading "True Selves" and seem genuinely interested in what I'm going through. We spent the next few days bumming around together and even spent an afternoon shopping for clothes. I loved it. It felt wonderful to be home again (I never lived in San Angelo, but my mom does so it's my home now). I didn't tell my mom because my sister didn't think it would be good for her heart. I think she may be picking up on different things though. We'll see. I'm going back for Christmas and New Years.
December, 1999
I went to see a plastic surgeon on the 6th. I don't need a whole lot done, but the bill will still be staggering. $17,000 staggering to be exact. I'll lose the chin, jowls, brow ridge (I have small ones but I still have 'em), move the eyebrows up and the hairline down, narrow the nose a little at the tip and correct a deviated septum. I'm going to get a face lift that I believe includes some laser treatment for my skin (wrinkles actually).
The investor in the new business called on Friday. He wants to meet this Wednesday, the 9th. Wonderful! This will free up a lot of money allocated to the business that now can be used for surgery. If he wants to continue that is. I hope! I hope!
I had a pretty good Christmas. I spent the first part of the day with my family in Nashville and that was wonderful. I then took a plane down to San Angelo to see my other family- my birth family if you will. I told my mom about me the day after Christmas. It was a beautiful day so we went outside to talk. I used the old trick of showing her my pictures and saying this was the woman that caused my divorce. After she looked for awhile at what she thought was a woman, I told her that the woman was me. That surprised her but didn't shock her. We talked for a long time after that. Perhaps her most revealing comment was about that poor little boy she had. What he must have gone through. Over the next two days I told my older brother and then my younger brother, using the picture technique both times. It seems to take some of the "sting" out of it if they realize you look OK as a woman. You're not a freak, just a person. A sister instead of a brother if you will.
January 2000
Well, the business is gone. I've spent the first two weeks of January helping the new owners "transition" the accounts over to them. I love that word "transition". That was their word for it, not mine. My divorce went through without a hitch on the 12th. I'm still friends with my ex but we'll see how long we stay in touch. My kids are kind of absent lately. If I call them and just get the answering machine, they don't call back. I don't think I'm being shunned or anything, I think they're just doing what kids do after they leave the nest - getting on with their lives. I hope that's all it is anyway. My ex says she hardly ever talks with them either. Again, I hope that's what it is. I need them now more than anything, but I wont butt into their lives unless asked. As far as money goes, after all the taxes are paid and the receivables are matched to payables, I find that I'm about $11,000 short of being able to do everything that I wanted to do. Guess I'll have to work sooner than I had hoped. And so it goes.
Tomorrow, the 16th, I go out to LA to see Dr. Pincus. I actually see him on Monday, not Sunday, for those that keep up with the calendar. I'm going to have my ears pierced out there, something I've wanted to do for a long, long time. This will make it kind of special. Anyway, I see Dr. Pincus for an estimate on plastic surgery. I'm not doing the voice until I try voice couching. He highly recommends this BTW. He works so hard on the voice and the results are so unpredictable, it is very frustrating for him.
Ok, I'm back from LA. I had a great time, but it was way too short. Dr. Pincus was very nice as was his staff. I had three doctors look at my face and do what they do best and I felt pretty encouraged about the whole thing. And I got my ears pierced! Cool! I couldn't believe how afraid I was to go and do it. I don't know what the big deal was, but my heart was racing. Kind of a fun thing, coming back. I went out there as Terry because of my drivers license - I have a beard in the picture. I said what the heck and came back as theresa. I just showed them my license as if it was no big deal. Guess what? It was no big deal. I was afraid they would deny me a seat, but as long as your not carrying a bomb or something like that, I guess they don't care all that much. Not in LA anyway.
Today's the 27th and I got the price for all of the work I want done.. $25,125 for some work on my nose, an expander in my scalp (to make more of it), chin reduction, brow burring (is that right?), eyebrow lift, a face and neck lift. If I understand everything correctly, the expander will help correct male pattern baldness and help in the eyebrow lift. I told them my goal was to pass without makeup. I have to stop using the word "pass". That seems to mean your fooling someone. I AM a woman and I don't want to fool anyone. I just want to be me. Perhaps using "GG" would be better?
An update on the hormones and their effects on me. Since September 21st, I've gained a half inch in my hips, a half inch in the waist, a quarter inch just below the breast and an inch and a half in my breast. The hair on my chest and belly is almost gone now and the hair on my hands is much, much finer. My face seems to be a little different also. Some of the sharper angles are being softened. It looks much better now.. I've been trying to follow doctors orders and gain weight because I got yelled at for being 147. I'm kind of hovering around 155 now and feel like this is the weight I should stay at.
February 2000
Claire has been going down to Atlanta the past few weeks to have electrolysis done there. Betty has been to slow for her and what she had cleared has a lot of regrowth. You should have seen her after she came back last week. FOUR hours and she looked like a chipmunk!!! I'll be going with her to get my neck done but I'm still using Betty. Four and a half hours for me, Monday through Wednesday. I'm a little swollen myself.
I've had a breakthrough. I was afraid that I would find myself not liking men. No problem, I do. When I go back and think about it, I've wanted this for many, many years. Just to damn afraid to do anything about it. I was NOT gay. I knew that, so what was I? I really never thought that I was a woman and that liking men was just being normal. Just part of this process of self discovery we go through.
Now lets talk about pain. I've been trying to stay in touch with the kids, to not cut off the lines of communication. This is hard enough........well, you know that already. Anyway, I was supposed to see my daughter for lunch on the 10th. When I called her to verify, she told me she had been in an accident and couldn't make it. No problem, we rescheduled for Sunday. Then I got a call from my son to leave her alone. She's getting ulcers thinking about me. I said ok to him and called me ex to get a better picture of what's going on. She tells me my daughter called her a few minutes prior to me and said how relieved she was not having to meet me. Now we're getting into the pain part. I've been so tired I thought I'd never feel rested again. I've been so scared I don't know how I functioned, but I've NEVER felt anything like this before. The tears just came and came and came.
Just a note on the ulcers. My daughter has had pain in her abdomen for years. She's been in the hospital twice for observation and they've found nothing. But the pain is very real, so I'll leave her alone. I just sent her a letter asking her to just let me know how she's doing.
February seems to be a busy month. I went down to see my mom and sister last week. I had told them about me over the Christmas holidays, shown them pictures, but never appeared as Theresa to them. This time I only brought woman's clothing, but not really feminine clothing. Blue jeans and a top sort of thing. By now, even a simple top has some female curves to it and I didn't try and hide anything. They were fine with everything. On Friday my mom asked me if I wanted to go out shopping. Are you KIDDING!! Of course!! For the first time my mom saw me with makeup and all she said was "wow". A good "wow" BTW. We bought a new skirt for me along with four new tops. On Sunday she gave me some new outfits along with lots of jewelry and perfume. We then went to church. Just a mother and daughter going to church sort of thing. She found it hard to stop calling me my male name, and even did it once in the store, but she's getting better. When my sister came back into town late Sunday (she had been in Houston) I had to model
everything for her. This trip did a lot to ease the pain.
