10\25\2002
My name is Diana Zambory.
It has been four years, seven months, 27 days, 5 hours.
NO, you're not at the wrong meeting!
That's just how long it has been since I lost my daughter Sylvia to
domestic violence.
What I want to share with you tonight is a little bit about what our
lives have been like since our loss and what we live with each day
because someone else made a bad decision and acted on it and changed
our lives forever.
At first, all you can feel is numbness, shock, and disbelief that
something this horrible could happen to you. During this time you
can still function but you need a lot of help because everything
moves in slow motion. This phase is both short and long. Short
because it changes quickly and new elements are added because now
that everything has settled down, you try to get back to a normal
life. Oh boy, here comes the long part! There is no more normal.
Nothing in your life will ever be normal again. People you've been
friends with for years will suddenly stop calling because they don't
want to say something that will start you crying again or they have
heard the story so many times! Or if you see them in town, you're
still moving in slow motion, so your conversation skills are lost,
and you both stand their feeling very uncomfortable. Sometimes to
make up for this, you're very well meaning friends will say hurtful
things like, They are in a better place, what does this mean? Is
there a place better than with the people that love them?
Or you still have other children so you need to pull yourself
together, but I don't know what together is anymore and another
child can never take the place of the one I lost!
You have to be strong, I was strong when I raise my children almost
entirely on my own, and I was strong when I took them to the doctors
when they were sick but can someone please tell me how to be strong
when it feels like your heart was ripped out of your chest.
God only gives you as much as you can handle, how lucky I should
feel that God thinks I can handle the worst loss of all. Lucky I do
not feel!
Things will get better soon, WELL this one is a hard one! The only
thing that could make it better is to have my daughter back there is
no better, just as there is no normal when you lose a child. All you
have now is, some days are okay and others are rough, and with some
time, the rough days get further apart.
It will make you a stronger person, well so far I've lost my health,
I stay depressed, I don't like to be in groups, I am lonely,
exhausted, empty, sad and wouldn’t wish my life now on even my worst
enemy.
Or another good one is when are you going to get over this or it is
time to move on, okay now I'm going to get hot! I will NEVER get
over how or why my daughter died. I will never get over the day my
world was turned upside down because of a stupid decision made in
haste. And about time to move on, I want to know who is holding the
stopwatch and where is it written that there's a certain amount of
time to grieve. Losing a child is the hardest grief anyone will ever
have to face, there is no comparison.
So here you stand with your loving caring intelligent friends or
even family, who wish nothing more than to offer a token of their
love, but instead you walk away in silence, with both of you getting
hurt. Them because they don't understand why you started crying or
why suddenly there was this huge elephant between the two of you and
you because if you truly told them how you felt, you would hurt
someone that you cared enough to call a friend. And by hurting your
friend, they may never try to reach out to another person, who would
love nothing more than for just a tiny moment of time, to feel
something other than the empty hole that they now carry for the rest
of their life.
I am so sorry!
Can I give you a hug?
Even saying nothing helps!
I am glad to see you!
These little words mean the a lot to us and allow our friends and
family to not deal with the elephant!
Then you don’t even remember when the anger started but it is there
in everything you say or do. Now even family stay away. So you feel
more alone and the circle keeps turning.
You can’t help feeling so much anger for the way you loved one died
or sometimes even at yourself. The would have, should have, could
haves take hold. Maybe I could have or I should have.
This is also the time that we finally feel our child is dead and can
say it. Some people get busy and others shut down. Some do both! Now
people just avoid you. Their life didn’t change, but you now put on
your mask and have to learn how to live yours again with this, new
normal.
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There are 5 stages to grief.
DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE
YOU CAN HAVE ANY COMBATION OR SEVERAL AT THE SAME TIME.
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There is NO time limit on grieving! Sometimes
you bounce back and forth between stages. Especially if they were
taken violently as with domestic violence!
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Welcome to our new normal.
The best advice I can give each of you, is to think how you feel
when you talk about your children or grandkids to others? Sylvia was
24 when she was killed and folks, that is a lot of memories! We
still feel this even if they are gone from us. They left us in the
physical body but NEVER in the heart!
This is my legacy thanks to domestic violence. Please help us stop
this legacy and build a better one! It takes us all! |
In Memory of Sylvia Marie Nunez Cassidy.
My Guiding Angel.
http://www.angelfire.com/wi3/sylviasmom/index.html
http://jasonsfriends2.tripod.com/Page23.html
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