One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small Canadian flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor Smith, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 

The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." 

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

* There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.  For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

* Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

* My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

On the door of the maternity ward "Push, Push, Push"

On the optician's door "If you don't see what you are looking for, You have come to the right place."

On the podiatrist's door "Time wounds all heels"

On the veterinarian's door "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
      "Unattended children will be given a free puppy"

At the muffler shop "No need for an appointment; we will hear you coming."

At the tire shop "Invite us to your next blowout."

A Dog's Funeral

Once upon a time, an ould fellow lived alone with only his dog which he doted on. The dog died, and so the ould fellow went over to the parish priest.
"Father, the ould dog is dead. Would you say a mass for him?"
The PP replied: "No, we can't say a mass for a dead animal, but I hear there is a minister down the road and there is no knowing what she will do."
"Right!" says the ould fellow. "I'll go down right away. Do you think a couple of thousand ought to handle the expenses for the service?"
"Hold on a minute," says the PP. "For God's sake, why didn't you tell me
your dog was a catholic?"