Everything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark
 
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics. Get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. Snails were on board with cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float for a while.
Ten: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you're with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.


A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


Be careful choosing a hymn
 
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he  said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into  the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the  wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then,  finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take  it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant  smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At  the River.'"