I always thought pregnancy was personal. With my husband, of course, but in a conservative private sense, still personal, still mine. My decision to conceive, my conception experience, my pregnancy, my sensations, my bodily changes, my birth experience, my baby. Again, I use the word "my" in this regard as meaning "shared closely with my husband, Michael". I was acutely aware of this miracle I felt so blessed to be experiencing. I felt a wondrous sense that God was involved, that something bigger than me helped me have this blessed experience, but again in a very quiet, private way. 

This feeling of privacy carried through to the planning of our second daughter, perfectly timed to our wishes and delivered with the same security that God is here, God is good, and the miracle of life is ours to embrace. With little hesitation we planned for my third pregnancy. My sense of this decision being private and personal was heightened by the raised eyebrows of the public but was rewarded by the warmth our announcement generated in our immediate circle. I felt that we cannot explain our passions to people sometimes. Words are inadequate to express how I feel about nurturing this new little soul both inside me and outside me with everything I know how to give and share. It is fair to say I own a little of the Mama-bear mentality. Again, my body, my pregnancy, my diet, my baby, my decisions, my parenting, my thrill, my family, all gratefully shared with God, I still felt that I had created these experiences. 

On October 18, 1999, this sense of being a small private unit in a big world changed without warning. While out at the neighbourhood park with my three beautiful daughters, Naomi 4, Moira 2, and Molly 2 months 6 days, my baby Molly died of SIDS. She was in my arms, at my breast, tucked out of harms way from the weather and as loved as she possibly could be. Suddenly, from the moment I ran to a stranger's house for help right up to the present day, I was sent down a new path that would bring many things, many new realizations. 

Molly's death brought people out of their private lives and into ours so fast I can hardly believe it. In the first few hours and days after this lovely little person died, we saw a lifetime of kindness, of reaching out, of prayers and gifts, of grief shared. In awe, I watched people who did not know us cry for us and with us. 

I do not believe that God made Molly die, even for noble reasons. I leave the reasons to the medical community for now. But I do believe God saw me through my third pregnancy and watched with a smile the beauty Molly's presence brought to all of us. I believe God mourns for us now and embraces Molly for us. And I feel especially a community sense, an awareness that my private endeavors make an impact building bridges and strengthening bonds far beyond my control. Thank God. 

Ruth Irving, Nanaimo, BC